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So, is it horrible that I'm not going?

TheGirlNextDoor

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My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

http://www.elmshotelandspamobile.co...4.0...0.0...1c.1.17.mobile-gws-hp.5gHMP3QbJKc

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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Pardon the typos...posting from my phone. I hate auto-correct!
 

spud_meister

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People need to realise with weddings that it can be fancy and expensive, with glittery gifts and **** or there can be lots of people. They can't have both. They made the choice to have expensive stuff. :shrug: Your choice is completely understandable.
 

Porchev

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I my opinion, if you can’t afford to go then that is good reason not to go.

I like the family reunion part of weddings, so maybe your Mom thinks that part would be fun for everyone.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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I my opinion, if you can’t afford to go then that is good reason not to go.

I like the family reunion part of weddings, so maybe your Mom thinks that part would be fun for everyone.

How're you doing? Haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope things are going well.
 

Mr.Nick

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My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

http://www.elmshotelandspamobile.co...4.0...0.0...1c.1.17.mobile-gws-hp.5gHMP3QbJKc

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

I think your cousin is demanding if he expects high end crap.

Since I don't know the individual in question I will only assume it's the brides "insistence" that they get the high end junk... I'm only saying this because most dudes are not very demanding when it comes to **** like blenders or household items.

If you want an answer to your question I have none for you because I don't know you or your social circle however, if I was in your position I wouldn't even go to the wedding.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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I think your cousin is demanding if he expects high end crap.

Since I don't know the individual in question I will only assume it's the brides "insistence" that they get the high end junk... I'm only saying this because most dudes are not very demanding when it comes to **** like blenders or household items.

If you want an answer to your question I have none for you because I don't know you or your social circle however, if I was in your position I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

My cousin is the bride...Haha.

I'm not "high end" in my lifestyle, but she most certainly is.
 

Porchev

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How're you doing? Haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope things are going well.

I took a break from DP for a while; but lately I have more free time, so I am back here off and on. I have not been feeling the greatest though. I get another arteriogram next week to see how everything is going. Then I will know if I need more work done or not. It has been a crazy few years. I am finally medically retiring from the Air Force, and I am on my Terminal Leave time right now (or in civilian terminology, I am taking unused saved up vacation days right now…off but getting paid).
 

Mr.Nick

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My cousin is the bride...Haha.

I'm not "high end" in my lifestyle, but she most certainly is.

You can afford what you can.

I think someone should be happy with a present - you're not obligated to "break the bank" and if your cousin loves you she would understand this and be grateful with your mere presence at her wedding.

If she wants anything more than you than that then shes not your friend/cousin.

Considering they're lawyers (not to mention in their 40's) cant they buy their own stuff? Don't they have enough stuff already?

I think the idea of buying things for the bride/groom is only applicable to people in their teens and 20's to start them out, however 40?

I wouldn't buy them anything IMO.
 

Gipper

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My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

Just politely decline by mail and send a small gift certificate somewhere.

Frankly, people need to understand that the more exclusive you make something, the more you exclude. It reminds me of that thread where the girl had an open house and everyone had to drink either lemonade or iced tea - couldn't even bring their own drinks. She can make any demands she wants. She can also not be shocked when the turnout is a fraction of what she expects.

Same here. When she has high expectations about requirements, she better have low expectations on turnout.
 

Mr.Nick

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I don't want to insult your family or anything but (and this is as a joke) -- buy them a silver spoon with a card that reads "I found this I think you lost it". hahaha
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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I don't want to insult your family or anything but (and this is as a joke) -- buy them a silver spoon with a card that reads "I found this I think you lost it". hahaha

I lol'd..

Anyone that knows me, knows I'm a low maintenance kind of person. Frugal comes to mind. I take pleasure in little things... so something like this isn't at all what I personally would want, and really, I think it's way over the top. I want be attending because I can't afford to and we aren't that close. If I disappoint my family...then so be it.
 

Mr.Nick

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I lol'd..

Anyone that knows me, knows I'm a low maintenance kind of person. Frugal comes to mind. I take pleasure in little things... so something like this isn't at all what I personally would want, and really, I think it's way over the top. I want be attending because I can't afford to and we aren't that close. If I disappoint my family...then so be it.

Yea, I loled myself at that joke....

Weddings are horrible anyways... I don't even understand why they exist (the actual ceremony and reception). It's just an excuse to have a party (reception) anyways, that's why you see 10x more people at the reception than the actual ceremony. Not to mention you're basically trading blenders for food... Of course you end up seeing people you see all the time and then are forced to act like total strangers are like family - most of which you will never see again...

Weddings and funerals are so awkward - both are so simple but are made into events.

That's why I usually don't attend these things unless it's immediate family.

I believe in simple things...
 

Helix

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Just send the card and a small gift. If you can't afford to float a luxury hotel and trip, that's excuse enough. ****, I couldn't afford that either.
 

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I don't think you should feel obligated to go. If she were your sister, it would be a different story. I have many cousins, and I've never been to the weddings of any of them.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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I took a break from DP for a while; but lately I have more free time, so I am back here off and on. I have not been feeling the greatest though. I get another arteriogram next week to see how everything is going. Then I will know if I need more work done or not. It has been a crazy few years. I am finally medically retiring from the Air Force, and I am on my Terminal Leave time right now (or in civilian terminology, I am taking unused saved up vacation days right now…off but getting paid).

Glad to see you. Gang in there...I know you've been going through this for awhile now. You and your family are in my thoughts.
 

DiAnna

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I hate weddings. Always have to force a cheery face for them. The ones I'm forced to go to... bosses, children, very close friends... are either high-end events with high-end gifts expected, or outside by someone's swimming pool with the buffet table food covered in flies.

I say don't go. You'll be miserable AND broke, and I don't want either of those things for you. :)
 

ChrisL

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My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

Pfft, no. They should be grateful for that much. I hate when people just expect you to spend all kinds of money on THEIR wedding, especially if you're not even close. Having to travel, put up air fare and pay for a room? They should completely understand when a lot of people are a no show.
 

Josie

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If you're not close, there's nothing wrong with not going.
 

Aunt Spiker

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My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

No - its not horrible . . . be honest about your reason, though.

If someone wants you there bad enough - they'll help you cover the costs. If they don't care, they won't. It's your cousin, not your son. People who opt for weddings/etc should consider these things.
 

SmokeAndMirrors

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My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

I don't think you're horrible at all. I think you're perfectly sensible, and they've put you in a crappy position.

I've watched some of my friends have to go into debt to attend these kinds of weddings, where the couple expect them to spend as much as they might on a personal vacation just to show up, never mind the ridiculous gifts they expect.

And personally, I think these kinds of weddings are rather inconsiderate. Throw any kind of wedding you want, obviously, but if it's so important for your loved ones to be there, why would you make it so hard for them?

It strikes me as really selfish to expect everyone to go broke over your wedding.

Is it about sharing a day of love, or is it about your entitled belief that everyone should lavish you with presents and flat line their own bank account so you can feel ritzy for a day?

I wouldn't go either. I have other things I need to spend my money on, and if that's how they're gonna do it, then obviously they don't want me there all that badly.

Sorry; I just feel strongly about it after seeing a friend eat nothing but rice for a month to go to a wedding like that. The couple knew he was having problems affording it, and just laid the guilt on him. He's lucky I didn't know them, or they would have gotten an ear full from me.
 
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