So, is it horrible that I'm not going?

[Henrin]

All my cousins are married and I didn't go to one of their weddings. I'm not close to any of them and it just seemed awkward when they sent me an invite. It's like I have no idea who you are except that we meet once when we were eight and you're my cousin, but come to my wedding! Ah....no.

I wouldn't worry about it. If you're not close to them it really shouldn't matter much to anyone involved.

 

[Aderleth]

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

It's not at all horrible. It's not anyone's fault, and your cousin is probably smart enough to get that. I'd also suggest that you send her something sentimental rather than money. That might have more value in the long run.

 

[MaggieD]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

If I were you, I wouldn't feel obligated to send her money. I'd just send her a lovely card -- you and the kids each sign it -- write a great note inside wishing her well saying that you're sorry you have to miss her big day.

 

[Sparkles]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

We have a culture that tells everyone to do like our government, and just borrow yourselves into oblivion, splurge on whatever you want, and worry about the consequences later.

I recently got an invitation to a cousin wedding myself. I know him, and I've met the girl, and they are both awesome. But the Wedding is in California at a uptown place, and I'm in Ohio, and work for $10 an hour.

Oh sure I wouldn't mind going to California.... but I *would* mind having my electricity cut off from not paying the bill. Of course I could always take out a credit card, and then max out my credit limit (I do not have a single credit card at this time).... but I just spent 5 years of my life, working as an indentured servant to the banks I borrowed money from.

I paid off every single debt, canceled every single card, closed out every single loan. I am *NOT* going to do that *EVER* again. Period. PERIOD.

So guess where I'll be for Captain America, and Wonder Woman's wedding? (He's ex-military and still looks like a model, and she's a Latin beauty pageant) Here in Ohio... working.

Let me put it another way. If you were physically blind, and someone offered to take you on a helicopter ride over the grand canyon, would you go?

I'm blind.

Yeah but the view is going to be amazing!

But I'm blind.

Yeah but this is a once in a lifetime thing!

Hello... I am blind!

Would you call such a person horrible, because they didn't go on a sight seeing helicopter ride when they are blind? Of course not.

Well.... if you don't have the money to go to a wedding... then you can't go. If someone thinks badly about that, then tell them to pay for your trip.

If my Cousin offers to pay for my flight, pay for a rental car, pay for food and boarding, I'll be more than happy to eat on his dime. But I don't have dime. I've got bills to pay.

So I'm with you girl. Buy a card, put a bunch of hearts and XOXOs on it, and put a 33¢ stamp on it, and call it good.

 

[CanadaJohn]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

I'm not a big fan of expected behaviours, particularly when it comes to family dynamics. You can't pick your family, you get what you get.

If it's any concillation, I have a nephew who is 33 - he's been engaged three times - each time I've bought engagement presents, etc. and gone through the normal routine, even though the first two were cancelled. This past May, they had a 'destination" wedding in the Dominican Republic which I declined to attend. They also planned another wedding ceremony here in Toronto in early June for those who didn't go to the Dominican. I told him that I wouldn't be attending the Dominican wedding and I also told him I wouldn't be attending the Toronto "replay" since it wasn't a true wedding ceremony, just an excuse for more gifts and cash.

Call me old and cranky but I'm nobody's fool. You should do what you feel is right and what suits your personal circumstances.

 

[Bob Blaylock]

Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? …

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years…

I don't see what your objections to their ages. Too bad it took them both that long to find each other, but why should it be any less of a deal now, than if they had found each other and married when they were twenty years younger?

From the rest of your postings, it sounds like you may have enough other valid reasons to decline to participate, but it sure seems to me that to be this hung up about their ages in this manner, and to use that as a reason, is just petty and uncalled-for.

 

[TheGirlNextDoor]

I don't see what your objections to their ages. Too bad it took them both that long to find each other, but why should it be any less of a deal now, than if they had found each other and married when they were twenty years younger?

From the rest of your postings, it sounds like you may have enough other valid reasons to decline to participate, but it sure seems to me that to be this hung up about their ages in this manner, and to use that as a reason, is just petty and uncalled-for.

Excuse me, but I mentioned their ages as an aside to registering at extremely expensive places, and why I asked the QUESTION as to my feelings about older adults getting married and asking for expensive gifts...if I was being antiquated in my thought process regarding having household items are say 20s as compared to professional adults in their 40s.

But thank you for calling me petty for asking the question. :?

 

[Sparkles]

I don't see what your objections to their ages. Too bad it took them both that long to find each other, but why should it be any less of a deal now, than if they had found each other and married when they were twenty years younger?

From the rest of your postings, it sounds like you may have enough other valid reasons to decline to participate, but it sure seems to me that to be this hung up about their ages in this manner, and to use that as a reason, is just petty and uncalled-for.

I guess that's not how I read it. I read it like she was surprised that people aged 40 would spend millions on a lavish wedding.

My experience is that the more people blow on the wedding, the less likely they stay married. But that's just my limited experience. Also, the older they are when they marry, the less likely they are to stay together. Or the more likely they are to have a loveless bad marriage.

 

[Cephus]

It's your choice what you do, if you can't afford to go, don't go.

I had some distant relatives who were also in their 40s, they had been living together for more than 10 years, had 2 kids and were finally getting married and they pulled the same thing. Expensive wedding, expensive hotel, wanted expensive gifts. I sent them nothing and didn't go. They weren't starting out, they were just trying to get stuff. Screw 'em.

 

[Sparkles]

What's really odd about the unrealistic expectations today, is that this me centered demand for stuff, is the exact opposite of how it was in the past. Now I could be wrong on this, so don't cite me, but ages gone by, the expectations were that the people getting married would provide for the guests, not the guests provide for the couple marrying.

In fact, for those who claim to be Christian, the difference was even more stark. In Biblical Jewish history, if you traveled across the country for a wedding, and you arrived and they ran out of food, or ran out of whine, you could take the hosting family before the court for damages. I traveled from all the way over there to this wedding feast, and they ran out of food and drink!

This is why the scripture about Jesus first event was so important. Mary told Jesus they ran out of whine at the wedding feast. If Jesus had not turned the water into whine, the hosting family could have been in big big trouble.

Yet oddly, our culture has flipped this on it's head.... like somehow the guests owe them something? I've never understood that. But it's the same deal as kids who think their parents owe them a free college education, with a private apartment, and new car to drive. Since when are we owed anything? None of us are owed jack squat. If people deem to give you something, it is only because of their good grace, not because you deserve so much as a second glance in your direction. Your existence on this planet does not entitle you to anything at all.

 

[Goshin]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

If they want to make it too damn expensive for some of their family to afford to come, then they'll just have to deal with fewer guests showing up.

If they asked why didn't you come, I'd just tell them flat out: I couldn't afford it because you made it so expensive, but that was your choice so I just had to wish you well from my own living room.

 

[Bob Blaylock]

Excuse me, but I mentioned their ages as an aside to registering at extremely expensive places, and why I asked the QUESTION as to my feelings about older adults getting married and asking for expensive gifts...if I was being antiquated in my thought process regarding having household items are say 20s as compared to professional adults in their 40s.

But thank you for calling me petty for asking the question. :?

I just don't see why age matters, or why you thought it worth mentioning. A marriage is a happy occasion, whether the couple are in their twenties, forties, eighties, or whatever. To me, it just seems petty and gratuitously disrespectful to treat the occasion as any less deserving because the couple are that old.

My brother was forty when he got married, and it was no less a joyous occasion than when I got married at thirty-two; and neither occasion was any less joyous than if we had married younger. That's how long it took each of us to find the woman that we were meant to marry.

It's your choice what you do, if you can't afford to go, don't go.

I had some distant relatives who were also in their 40s, they had been living together for more than 10 years, had 2 kids and were finally getting married and they pulled the same thing. Expensive wedding, expensive hotel, wanted expensive gifts. I sent them nothing and didn't go. They weren't starting out, they were just trying to get stuff. Screw 'em.

Now that's different. For all intents and purposes, except for the legal binding, they were functionally “married” more than ten years ago. The time for a formal observance has long gone. It's good that they have finally taken the long-overdue step of formalizing the marriage, but it's just in bad taste to have a big celebration at that point, as if they are celebrating the beginning of a new marriage. Again, age doesn't really have anything to do with it. It would be just as much in bad taste if they had moved in together as soon as the younger of them turned 18, and they had had two kids together, and now, ten years later, they were finally deciding to formally marry.

It's cases like that which make a very strong case in my mind for “common law marriage”; it seems obvious that there is some point where a couple can pass in “playing married” where the law should recognize them as having a binding marriage, even if the formal steps have not been taken to establish it. Living together and having children together surely crosses that line. Certainly, the children deserve the security of having their parents bound in a marriage that cannot be dissolved without a legal divorce process in which the interests of the children and the parents are properly protected.

 

[Cephus]

Now that's different. For all intents and purposes, except for the legal binding, they were functionally “married” more than ten years ago. The time for a formal observance has long gone. It's good that they have finally taken the long-overdue step of formalizing the marriage, but it's just in bad taste to have a big celebration at that point, as if they are celebrating the beginning of a new marriage. Again, age doesn't really have anything to do with it. It would be just as much in bad taste if they had moved in together as soon as the younger of them turned 18, and they had had two kids together, and now, ten years later, they were finally deciding to formally marry.

Unfortunately, that's the way most people seem to do it these days. They live together first, then, maybe, get married down the line. I'm not impressed.

It's cases like that which make a very strong case in my mind for “common law marriage”; it seems obvious that there is some point where a couple can pass in “playing married” where the law should recognize them as having a binding marriage, even if the formal steps have not been taken to establish it. Living together and having children together surely crosses that line. Certainly, the children deserve the security of having their parents bound in a marriage that cannot be dissolved without a legal divorce process in which the interests of the children and the parents are properly protected.

In many states, there is a common law marriage that kicks in after about 7 years, so they were already legally married, they just wanted to have a ceremony and get stuff.

 

[Sparkles]

I just don't see why age matters, or why you thought it worth mentioning. A marriage is a happy occasion, whether the couple are in their twenties, forties, eighties, or whatever. To me, it just seems petty and gratuitously disrespectful to treat the occasion as any less deserving because the couple are that old.

My brother was forty when he got married, and it was no less a joyous occasion than when I got married at thirty-two; and neither occasion was any less joyous than if we had married younger. That's how long it took each of us to find the woman that we were meant to marry.

Now that's different. For all intents and purposes, except for the legal binding, they were functionally “married” more than ten years ago. The time for a formal observance has long gone. It's good that they have finally taken the long-overdue step of formalizing the marriage, but it's just in bad taste to have a big celebration at that point, as if they are celebrating the beginning of a new marriage. Again, age doesn't really have anything to do with it. It would be just as much in bad taste if they had moved in together as soon as the younger of them turned 18, and they had had two kids together, and now, ten years later, they were finally deciding to formally marry.

It's cases like that which make a very strong case in my mind for “common law marriage”; it seems obvious that there is some point where a couple can pass in “playing married” where the law should recognize them as having a binding marriage, even if the formal steps have not been taken to establish it. Living together and having children together surely crosses that line. Certainly, the children deserve the security of having their parents bound in a marriage that cannot be dissolved without a legal divorce process in which the interests of the children and the parents are properly protected.

Horrible idea. Lets make marriage mean even less, so that now you don't have to do anything, and you magically bestowed marriage. Then you people wonder why the divorce rate is so insanely high. Well yeah... its because you have made marriage worthless, trivial, and meaningless. You will *NEVER* get to a good relationship with a member of the opposite sex, by making marriage even more cheap and worthless than it already is.

 

[Bob Blaylock]

Horrible idea. Lets make marriage mean even less, so that now you don't have to do anything, and you magically bestowed marriage. Then you people wonder why the divorce rate is so insanely high. Well yeah... its because you have made marriage worthless, trivial, and meaningless. You will *NEVER* get to a good relationship with a member of the opposite sex, by making marriage even more cheap and worthless than it already is.

What do you think we are doing to society now, by allowing it to become normal and accepted as proper for a man to father a child with a woman to whom he is not married, and has no intention to marry, and to abandon his responsibilities to be a permanent father to that child?

 

[radcen]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

Invitation should have read...

Black tie option... but we'll mock you behind your back if you don't.

 

[Ikari]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

No, that should be fine. If they wanted this to be more of an accessable family affair, they would have gotten married in a place that more people could afford. They wanted the grandiose wedding (not a bad thing mind you), and it should be expected that not everyone can attend such extravagant swarays.

 

[Hard Truth]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

If someone asks you to spend a lot of money for travel and clothing to attend an event, it is fine to decline for any reason...Unless they attended your wedding and did the equivalent for you. Then you should do it if you can, but you don't have to go broke. Their age is irrelevant. Spend as much on a gift as you can afford that is proportional to what they deserve. (how close they are to you)

 

[Hard Truth]

Yea, I loled myself at that joke....

Weddings are horrible anyways... I don't even understand why they exist (the actual ceremony and reception). It's just an excuse to have a party (reception) anyways, that's why you see 10x more people at the reception than the actual ceremony. Not to mention you're basically trading blenders for food... Of course you end up seeing people you see all the time and then are forced to act like total strangers are like family - most of which you will never see again...

Weddings and funerals are so awkward - both are so simple but are made into events.

That's why I usually don't attend these things unless it's immediate family.

I believe in simple things...

Much to my surprise I've had fun at both weddings and funerals, thanks to mostly knowing cool people.

 

[TheGirlNextDoor]

If someone asks you to spend a lot of money for travel and clothing to attend an event, it is fine to decline for any reason...Unless they attended your wedding and did the equivalent for you. Then you should do it if you can, but you don't have to go broke. Their age is irrelevant. Spend as much on a gift as you can afford that is proportional to what they deserve. (how close they are to you)

She attended my wedding (I'm no longer married) and she was a kid. However, my wedding was small and local. :shrug: I was very young when I married, but that's another story for another time.

 

[Superfly]

If they want to make it too damn expensive for some of their family to afford to come, then they'll just have to deal with fewer guests showing up.

If they asked why didn't you come, I'd just tell them flat out: I couldn't afford it because you made it so expensive, but that was your choice so I just had to wish you well from my own living room.

Perfectly put. If you are close, you couldn't be so candid, but if you aren't close, I'd let them know exactly why I wasn't able to attend. Rich people. SMH.

If she's really nasty, go to Dollar General and pick her up one of those .50 cent cards.

 

[Hard Truth]

She attended my wedding (I'm no longer married) and she was a kid. However, my wedding was small and local. :shrug: I was very young when I married, but that's another story for another time.

Then you're definitely off the hook.

 

[CRUE CAB]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

Call them and tell them you cant make it, wish them the best for a long and happy marriage.

 

[Captain Adverse]

My cousin is getting married in three weeks. I got the invite and it's "black tie optional ".

They are getting married at The Elms and they put on the invite that you could reserve a room. Now, my cousin is 40, never been married, yet it registered at all these hoity toity places. I always thought if someone was older when they got hitched, they really didn't do this? I don't know? I thought the point of registering was to let people know what you need as far as household items because you're starting out? ... Or am I antiquated in my thinking?

She's an attorney for the DoD and he is some high ranking military officer. They're both in their 40s, with lived in their own for years... this wedding is a big deal, and my mom called yesterday asking if the kids and I we're going. She seemed upset when I told her no.

I can't afford (honestly ) the trip to the wedding, a room to stay over and a gift from one of these high brow stores. My son has a suit, but it certainly isn't a tux and it's not a black suit to fit the black tie optional...so there's another expense. My cousin and I are not close.

Missouri Resorts | The Elms Hotel & Spa, Kansas City

Is it horrible that I don't go and just send a card and some money...? It want be a lot if money either...lol...just saying.

YES! You are a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, SELFISH PERSON! Who cares if it places you in debt for the next ten years??? Go hock everything and...

...rush right out and buy the most expensive dress imaginable, and be sure to get your son a tuxedo he will never use again in his life. Then go to not one, but EVERY store they are registered at and find the most expensive item in each store and BUY ALL OF THEM as gifts. Then go rent the penthouse suite at the hotel they are staying in so you can have a weding party at your expense for them in it. Don't forget to whip yourself with a wet noodle for ever thinking in such a selfish manner again!!!

Ooops, sorry I just work up from that nightmare. No, you are perfectly fine simply sending them a nice card with an affordable monetary gift. You are never obligated to maintain unnecessary appearances at the expense of financial wisdom.

 

[Sparkles]

What do you think we are doing to society now, by allowing it to become normal and accepted as proper for a man to father a child with a woman to whom he is not married, and has no intention to marry, and to abandon his responsibilities to be a permanent father to that child?

Exactly. It's ruining our country. And we hide this idiocy behind the curtain of "Women's sexual freedom"... and then women complain there are no good guys. Well duh... women are creating the very monsters they hate.

They give themselves away to men freely, teaching them that they can have sex without any hint of responsibility, and then women are shocked men don't want to take responsibility?

How is this shocking? This cycle has to stop, or the nation will be ruined for sure.