Need a little advice -

[Checkerboard Strangler]

That's the crappy part of parenting nobody mentions having to get tough. It sucks. I wish you and the rest of the parents the board going through a rough patch with your children the best of luck. Those WTF are you thinking times tend to throw parents for a loop. Cheers.

She's a good girl and a hard worker.
I think she's just a little unrealistic about starting her own business.
If she were to try starting a business where she goes around and does hair, I think it would be a smashing success, but she's too shy to go around walking into people's homes.

 

[MaryP]

She's a good girl and a hard worker.
I think she's just a little unrealistic about starting her own business.
If she were to try starting a business where she goes around and does hair, I think it would be a smashing success, but she's too shy to go around walking into people's homes.

She'd make a mint. There is a stylist here who does it and she has all the work she can take. She charges about half of what the salons do because she has no overhead but gasoline.

 

[trixare4kids]

You're not. You just love your kids.
And they're not loving you back.
We are very fortunate in that both kids seem to appreciate our efforts, our daughter just doesn't realize that starting a business is incredibly difficult.

There is no proof that they're not loving her back but for some reason or another, they obviously feel entitled to taking more than they should be giving. SF explained in a few posts up that her dearly beloved husband may have fostered that entitlement. Not easy for a mom who has lost her partner to undo that kind of damage.

The thing that shouts out to me the most here. SF is growing, and it's painful to grow and break old habits some families acquire, but she is doing it.

 

[PirateMk1]

She's a good girl and a hard worker.
I think she's just a little unrealistic about starting her own business.
If she were to try starting a business where she goes around and does hair, I think it would be a smashing success, but she's too shy to go around walking into people's homes.

I would be in her ear every time I saw her on that business proposal. She would do very well if she is remotely as talented as you say. The only investment she would have to make would be her tools and advertising and once she got clientele she could lower the advertising or drop it altogether. It's actually the perfect business for her as it builds on knowledge she already acquired. If she really wants to sell candles for some reason, she can parley her hair clientele into candle customers by having the candles with her and using them or giving samples out to her clients. There is all sorts of ways she could parley the hair business into other areas. By the way if she uses the candles while she does her clients hair it will also give her a unique sales pitch for new clients make sort of like a mini spa day or something like and charge a slight premium. She might have the new thing to make her her very own hair styling candle selling empire. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Juks]

Hey, y'all. Could use some advice.

Let me preface this by saying this is regarding my family, so please - if you can't say anything nice, just don't bother.

Maybe you already got the advices you need , It is after al a couple of days since you posted. And I don't believe I have any ultimate solution for you.


The only thing I can say. No matter what, it looks like you are on a raging train and no matter what you do it will crash. That seems to be the only certainty in this situation. The only thing you can do is damage control. If you sell your house and throw them out, they might never talk to you again. If you don't the day when you put yourself in a situation where you can't support neither them or yourself will come and the outcome will be the same (you will have to sell the house and throw them out)

So damage control... You need to sell the house either way. Make it as soft as you can. Maybe you can visit your hometown and look for a broker that can understand the situation, lower the price on you house, make sure you are there for the viewings and have a condition of 6 month in before overtake. That would give your children plenty of time to come to terms with the situation and would minor the risks of them destroying the viewings. But then again if you work yourself it is hard to get time of to be on the viewings....

Secondly: Try and separate them. Start with your youngest. Try and help her to get her own apartment (maybe through the same broker) and help her in looking for a job she would like (or apply for education she would find exiting) . Maybe even in another state than where she is currently. If you succeed move on to the second oldest and then you only have the last one to deal with... I doubt very much that they are happy as it is, they seem to be more stuck, bewildered and crippled. They need someone or something to help them out of it.

I don't know, it's a difficult situation. I wish you the best of luck.

Also, your grandson seem to be the one that channels the state in wish everyone seems to be( He is the sensitive one and therefor you could say the most healthy of them al) and the oldest husband (his father) seem to be the only one that has the capacity of action still within him, maybe it is him you should talk to and maybe by addressing the sons problems as a result of the dynamics and helping out with him you can steer the others on a better path (with the help of the husband)?

 

[Juks]

I also don't think that your oldest daughter, her husband and their kids should move back into the bad neighborhood. they should sell that house and maybe buy a small apartment (or rent) in a better neighborhood

 

[Overitall]

Hey, y'all. Could use some advice.

Let me preface this by saying this is regarding my family, so please - if you can't say anything nice, just don't bother.

I have a house down near Birmingham, paid for, free and clear. When my husband was still alive, we bought it with every intention of fixing it up. He passed away before we were able to get any work done. All of a sudden, I was cash-strapped with no money to fix the house up, and I didn't know how to fix it up on my own.

When I started working in Louisiana, it stood, for the most part, empty. I had planned on putting it on the market, but my adult daughter's lease was up, and she needed somewhere to go that would take herself, her family, and her pets.

I told her that she could live in my house, as long as they fixed it up and did some minor repairs that needed to be done, and they said that that would be no problem. I also told them that I wouldn't hammer them with rent, as long as they paid my homeowner's insurance bill every month. They said that that would be no problem as well.

That were supposed to live there only long enough to make the repairs on their house, so they could move in there, and my house would be empty. Their house is in a bad neighborhood, and the electrician who is rewiring it doesn't want to rewire the house, because people will break into the house and steal the wiring out of the walls (for a 2nd time). So no work is currently being done, and no work is being done on my house, either (they haven't really done any repairs to it).

They missed this month's rent payment and can't pay it until like the 19th. If I waited that long, my homeowner's would expire, so I'm having to pay for it myself out of an already strapped check, and then just hope that eventually they will pay me back.

They've been in my house for a year. I had a solid cash offer on my house, if they could close in 3 weeks. I have to have a minimum of a 60 day close, though, because it will take that long for my daughter to get her house ready. So I had to turn down that offer.

I am so angry and frustrated. They shouldn't have been there that long, but that's beside the point. My daughter hasn't been working, mostly because she doesn't want to, but also she's been having trouble with her son acting out, and she can't leave him alone. He's threatened suicide (not sure if he's serious, but you have to take any threat seriously), and my son-in-law just suffered a stress-related heart attack last week.

I'm so torn. I don't know what to do. I am having to work just to be able to pay rent on my house, just because I can't sell my house and pay for another one. I'm literally paying rent on a house, even though I have a house that's paid in full. They don't have a lot of money, and have too many dogs to be able to rent a regular house while their house is being worked on.

I don't know what to do. I am in such a bad spot and I can't kick them out, but I need to be able to sell my house, so I can buy a house here, and pay my car off. If I do that, I will be saving $1,800 a month, and won't even really have to work. I can go back to the way I was before, where I didn't have to work, and had much more free time.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but I've given them a year and nothing is moving forward at all. I'm broke as **** and can't afford to keep paying all these bills by myself when I shouldn't even have to.

You're in a tuff situation. This may have already been brought up, but have you discussed with your children about selling their home (in the bad neighborhood) and purchasing yours? It seems they would be better off investing their money on fixing your home up then the one they currently own. Fixing up the bad neighborhood home doesn't sound like a good choice. I'm sure there are ways that a seller of a house can help buyers to get finance for a purchase. Even a land contract could be wrote that frees you up financially from the home.

All other options removed I wouldn't feel bad about having to evict them if they won't cooperate with you to find an equitable solution that works out for everyone. As a parent you did you job of raising them. Even a bird will kick out their offspring from the nest to have them fly on their own and build nests of their own. It's not cruel. It's the right thing to do.

Good luck.

 

[justabubba]

You're in a tuff situation. This may have already been brought up, but have you discussed with your children about selling their home (in the bad neighborhood) and purchasing yours? It seems they would be better off investing their money on fixing your home up then the one they currently own. Fixing up the bad neighborhood home doesn't sound like a good choice. I'm sure there are ways that a seller of a house can help buyers to get finance for a purchase. Even a land contract could be wrote that frees you up financially from the home.

All other options removed I wouldn't feel bad about having to evict them if they won't cooperate with you to find an equitable solution that works out for everyone. As a parent you did you job of raising them. Even a bird will kick out their offspring from the nest to have them fly on their own and build nests of their own. It's not cruel. It's the right thing to do.

Good luck.

let's review the situation
the children and their significant others, 8 adults in aggregate, cannot even find the means to pay the homeowners insurance that superfly explained they need to cover - in addition to renovation work they agreed to - as a condition to occupy her home
they are unable or unwilling to fulfill either of those obligations
yet, your recommendation is for these "adults" to enter into a contract to purchase her home? how would them not paying the mortgage to her be better than their not paying her insurance expense
and from what she has posted, we know that doing so would cost her ~$75,000 in cash she could realize from a viable buyer

 

[Overitall]

let's review the situation
the children and their significant others, 8 adults in aggregate, cannot even find the means to pay the homeowners insurance that superfly explained they need to cover - in addition to renovation work they agreed to - as a condition to occupy her home
they are unable or unwilling to fulfill either of those obligations
yet, your recommendation is for these "adults" to enter into a contract to purchase her home? how would them not paying the mortgage to her be better than their not paying her insurance expense
and from what she has posted, we know that doing so would cost her ~$75,000 in cash she could realize from a viable buyer

If I'm not mistaken the son-in-law is not permanently disabled and it can be assumed he will be back on the job. If he's unable to work and is qualified for unemployment or government assistance they should have an income to qualify for a section eight loan. They probably will be foreclosed on their own home which they haven't lived in for a year, so they can just let it go or try for a quick sale. Most likely they wouldn't break even but what does that matter. They need to narrow down their focus. They are currently overwhelmed and probably unable to see their way out. Giving up is not a good option for anyone. I'm just tossing out a suggestion.

 

[Superfly]

Update: Have another full cash offer on the house, and willing to have a 60 day close. Wanted to see it this morning, and my oldest daughter freaked out because she didn't have time to get the house ready for showing. Granted, when I sold the house in Savannah, I had it show-ready, 24/7. But some people aren't neat freaks like me. The thing was, she freaked the **** out when I told her about the showing, so I chose that time to give them 60 days from today to vacate. They lost it. I told them that with 5 people working, there should be no problem at all getting a place.

They are absolutely incensed with me. They won't even answer me now when I try to find out a good time to reschedule the showing, and the middle child says I'm going to have to get her out. She will not leave voluntarily.

My mom said I should offer them a cash incentive to leave peacefully. I hate to even consider that, but it might be the only way that I can get them to leave without destroying my house. Middle child will deliberately destroy that house. Of that, I am sure.

 

[Superfly]

There is no proof that they're not loving her back but for some reason or another, they obviously feel entitled to taking more than they should be giving. SF explained in a few posts up that her dearly beloved husband may have fostered that entitlement. Not easy for a mom who has lost her partner to undo that kind of damage.

The thing that shouts out to me the most here. SF is growing, and it's painful to grow and break old habits some families acquire, but she is doing it.

That's it, in a nutshell. I heard from middle child several times today, "What happened to you? What happened to the mother that would give us everything we ever needed?"

That's the problem there. See, I'm not the kind of person that willingly gives everything over to their children. I tried to give them a good life, but I was also the kind of person who tried to put boundaries on what they had/got. Their father was the one that made things hard - especially for middle child. She was his perfect little princess, and he doted on her. Anything she wanted, she got, and I could never tell her no. I had $20 once to buy groceries for 4 of us for a week, and she wanted a $4 chicken sandwich from the freezer section of the market. I told her no, and he got mad at me, yelled at the top of his lungs, and left me standing in the middle of the grocery store, with everyone staring. I just left the cart where it stood, and walked away, bawling my eyes out. That's what I had to live with with especially her, and that's why she's fighting this so hard.

She/they can't stand the idea that I'm not who I used to be. I'm growing, and I'm happy for the first time in many, many years. They don't want me happy. They want me sitting at the old house, sad, miserable, lonely, but giving them everything they want.

I refuse to do that.

 

[Superfly]

Maybe you already got the advices you need , It is after al a couple of days since you posted. And I don't believe I have any ultimate solution for you.


The only thing I can say. No matter what, it looks like you are on a raging train and no matter what you do it will crash. That seems to be the only certainty in this situation. The only thing you can do is damage control. If you sell your house and throw them out, they might never talk to you again. If you don't the day when you put yourself in a situation where you can't support neither them or yourself will come and the outcome will be the same (you will have to sell the house and throw them out)

So damage control... You need to sell the house either way. Make it as soft as you can. Maybe you can visit your hometown and look for a broker that can understand the situation, lower the price on you house, make sure you are there for the viewings and have a condition of 6 month in before overtake. That would give your children plenty of time to come to terms with the situation and would minor the risks of them destroying the viewings. But then again if you work yourself it is hard to get time of to be on the viewings....

Secondly: Try and separate them. Start with your youngest. Try and help her to get her own apartment (maybe through the same broker) and help her in looking for a job she would like (or apply for education she would find exiting) . Maybe even in another state than where she is currently. If you succeed move on to the second oldest and then you only have the last one to deal with... I doubt very much that they are happy as it is, they seem to be more stuck, bewildered and crippled. They need someone or something to help them out of it.

I don't know, it's a difficult situation. I wish you the best of luck.

Also, your grandson seem to be the one that channels the state in wish everyone seems to be( He is the sensitive one and therefor you could say the most healthy of them al) and the oldest husband (his father) seem to be the only one that has the capacity of action still within him, maybe it is him you should talk to and maybe by addressing the sons problems as a result of the dynamics and helping out with him you can steer the others on a better path (with the help of the husband)?

Yeah damage control is all I can do at this point. Oldest child and middle child have never, ever left where they lived without anger and drama. They are always asked to leave, or leave as a result of an argument. They can't just leave quietly and peacefully.

 

[Superfly]

I also don't think that your oldest daughter, her husband and their kids should move back into the bad neighborhood. they should sell that house and maybe buy a small apartment (or rent) in a better neighborhood

I have suggested that. Sell the house, use what they get out of it to rent a nice place, or buy a mobile home and rent a lot. I suggested they move closer to the rest of the family, so we can be here to help them out, because obviously they need it.
They flatly refused, and said they loved where they lived, and were staying there.

 

[Cardinal]

Update: Have another full cash offer on the house, and willing to have a 60 day close. Wanted to see it this morning, and my oldest daughter freaked out because she didn't have time to get the house ready for showing. Granted, when I sold the house in Savannah, I had it show-ready, 24/7. But some people aren't neat freaks like me. The thing was, she freaked the **** out when I told her about the showing, so I chose that time to give them 60 days from today to vacate. They lost it. I told them that with 5 people working, there should be no problem at all getting a place.

They are absolutely incensed with me. They won't even answer me now when I try to find out a good time to reschedule the showing, and the middle child says I'm going to have to get her out. She will not leave voluntarily.

My mom said I should offer them a cash incentive to leave peacefully. I hate to even consider that, but it might be the only way that I can get them to leave without destroying my house. Middle child will deliberately destroy that house. Of that, I am sure.

Well that got ugly. It never did sound like they were going to be reasonable, though. The fact is (as I understand it), they've always had the solution to their problem, and that solution is the status quo, by any means necessary.

There are two kinds of screwups (well, thousands of kinds of screwups, but two kinds within the scope of this discussion):

1) People who can't ask for help. They're overly obsessed with the concept of independence. But we're a society with a social fabric, so this level of independence is a fantasy. Nobody can actually survive completely on their own.
2) And all the way on the other side of the spectrum, people who can only survive through the help of others.

I think we know which group your daughter and her husband fall into. You're going to have to force them to solve their own problems or, more likely, survive by the goodwill of some other unsuspecting victim.

 

[Superfly]

You're in a tuff situation. This may have already been brought up, but have you discussed with your children about selling their home (in the bad neighborhood) and purchasing yours? It seems they would be better off investing their money on fixing your home up then the one they currently own. Fixing up the bad neighborhood home doesn't sound like a good choice. I'm sure there are ways that a seller of a house can help buyers to get finance for a purchase. Even a land contract could be wrote that frees you up financially from the home.

All other options removed I wouldn't feel bad about having to evict them if they won't cooperate with you to find an equitable solution that works out for everyone. As a parent you did you job of raising them. Even a bird will kick out their offspring from the nest to have them fly on their own and build nests of their own. It's not cruel. It's the right thing to do.

Good luck.

She wanted to do the contract, and I explained to her that I need the cash to purchase a place for myself. Besides, I don't trust them to make the payment. If they can't pay $250 a month for insurance, they'll never be able to afford insurance plus a house payment.

 

[Superfly]

let's review the situation
the children and their significant others, 8 adults in aggregate, cannot even find the means to pay the homeowners insurance that superfly explained they need to cover - in addition to renovation work they agreed to - as a condition to occupy her home
they are unable or unwilling to fulfill either of those obligations
yet, your recommendation is for these "adults" to enter into a contract to purchase her home? how would them not paying the mortgage to her be better than their not paying her insurance expense
and from what she has posted, we know that doing so would cost her ~$75,000 in cash she could realize from a viable buyer

Exactly. I need the cash to purchase a place where I live now, so I can stop paying $1,100 a month rent.

 

[Superfly]

Well that got ugly. It never did sound like they were going to be reasonable, though. The fact is (as I understand it), they've always had the solution to their problem, and that solution is the status quo, by any means necessary.

There are two kinds of screwups (well, thousands of kinds of screwups, but two kinds within the scope of this discussion):

1) People who can't ask for help. They're overly obsessed with the concept of independence. But we're a society with a social fabric, so this level of independence is a fantasy. Nobody can actually survive completely on their own.
2) And all the way on the other side of the spectrum, people who can only survive through the help of others.

I think we know which group your daughter and her husband fall into. You're going to have to force them to solve their own problems or, more likely, survive by the goodwill of some other unsuspecting victim.

Almost everywhere they have ever lived, they lived by the grace of others. This time, it's on my dime.

I just can't do it anymore. I just don't want them to destroy my house, and I'm afraid they are going to do that.

 

[Cardinal]

Almost everywhere they have ever lived, they lived by the grace of others. This time, it's on my dime.

I just can't do it anymore. I just don't want them to destroy my house, and I'm afraid they are going to do that.

Yeah, you gotta lance that sucker.

 

[trixare4kids]

That's it, in a nutshell. I heard from middle child several times today, "What happened to you? What happened to the mother that would give us everything we ever needed?"

That's the problem there. See, I'm not the kind of person that willingly gives everything over to their children. I tried to give them a good life, but I was also the kind of person who tried to put boundaries on what they had/got. Their father was the one that made things hard - especially for middle child. She was his perfect little princess, and he doted on her. Anything she wanted, she got, and I could never tell her no. I had $20 once to buy groceries for 4 of us for a week, and she wanted a $4 chicken sandwich from the freezer section of the market. I told her no, and he got mad at me, yelled at the top of his lungs, and left me standing in the middle of the grocery store, with everyone staring. I just left the cart where it stood, and walked away, bawling my eyes out. That's what I had to live with with especially her, and that's why she's fighting this so hard.

She/they can't stand the idea that I'm not who I used to be. I'm growing, and I'm happy for the first time in many, many years. They don't want me happy. They want me sitting at the old house, sad, miserable, lonely, but giving them everything they want.

I refuse to do that.

Thanks for sharing what you are up against.

God Bless... You're on the right track and yes, you are growing. Nobody ever said that growth does not come with pain.

We're here for you should the track get temporarily sidetracked or derailed. You love your kids, and are doing the best for them by ending this cycle of dysfunction. Remember, my friend, you can only be manipulated if you allow it.

 

[Cardinal]

That's it, in a nutshell. I heard from middle child several times today, "What happened to you? What happened to the mother that would give us everything we ever needed?"

Jesus tap dancing Christ. These people aren't going to get it. They're adults, their brains are fully formed, and you aren't going to teach them resilience with a well prepared discussion. Lance it.

That's the problem there. See, I'm not the kind of person that willingly gives everything over to their children. I tried to give them a good life, but I was also the kind of person who tried to put boundaries on what they had/got. Their father was the one that made things hard - especially for middle child. She was his perfect little princess, and he doted on her. Anything she wanted, she got, and I could never tell her no. I had $20 once to buy groceries for 4 of us for a week, and she wanted a $4 chicken sandwich from the freezer section of the market. I told her no, and he got mad at me, yelled at the top of his lungs, and left me standing in the middle of the grocery store, with everyone staring. I just left the cart where it stood, and walked away, bawling my eyes out. That's what I had to live with with especially her, and that's why she's fighting this so hard.

She/they can't stand the idea that I'm not who I used to be. I'm growing, and I'm happy for the first time in many, many years. They don't want me happy. They want me sitting at the old house, sad, miserable, lonely, but giving them everything they want.

I refuse to do that.

 

[Superfly]

Yeah, you gotta lance that sucker.

They told me I am being selfish for kicking all of them out. Am I? I mean truthfully, am I?

I don't even want to tell my boyfriend about how bad it is with them. He knows they have their own problems, but he doesn't know how bad it is.

 

[Cardinal]

They told me I am being selfish for kicking all of them out. Am I? I mean truthfully, am I?

You have the information you need to logically arrive at an answer to that.

I don't even want to tell my boyfriend about how bad it is with them. He knows they have their own problems, but he doesn't know how bad it is.

 

[Superfly]

You have the information you need to logically arrive at an answer to that.

 

[Cardinal]

No offense intended, superfly, but these people really have your number on speed dial, if you get my drift. As somebody who recently lanced a relationship with someone who knew how I ticked and how to make me dance, I can tell you there was nothing easy about doing it, but it was necessary.

 

[Superfly]

No offense intended, superfly, but these people really have your number on speed dial, if you get my drift. As somebody who recently lanced a relationship with someone who knew how I ticked and how to make me dance, I can tell you there was nothing easy about it, but it was necessary.

True, and like Trix said, there is no growth without pain.

I'm going to have to be firm with them. I'll let them know that I love them, but I have to be firm. I am still young. I'm only 55. I still have time left to start over and actually enjoy life. It's hard to do that with all this hanging over my head.