Need a little advice -

[ttwtt78640]

I know, and I love how you emphasize the YOUR part. So true.

From how you have described the situation, there are plenty of adults (4 currently able to work?) to share the load of some working outside the home while others are able to provide childcare. They are simply taking advantage of you and will continue to do so as long as you let them.

 

[PoS]

I am. When hubs died, about 90% of my income went with him. I'm not destitute, but I'm not rolling in clover, either.

Yeah, I remember you talked about him a lot. He was a great guy and Im sure he would back you up all the way in spirit.

Take care of yourself and while they may not like this decision, your kids and grandkids will thank you in the long run, Im sure of it.

 

[Common Sense 1]

Thank you. I know that's what I need to do - just hard to do that to your kids/grandkids.

You are not doing anything to anyone!!
They are taking advantage of you.
You are not the bad guy in this situation.
Remember, You are not the bad guy!
Not fair for you to feel bad but I completely understand.

 

[ttwtt78640]

It's a cash sale only, because it won't pass inspection. Like I said, we bought it as a fixer-upper. The wiring is about half finished, the plumbing is about half finished, etc. The offers I'm getting are full cash offers.

Take one of them ASAP. There is no reason to wait while you are being expected to put up with their freeloading.

 

[Utility Man]

".....Their house is in a bad neighborhood, and the electrician who is rewiring it doesn't want to rewire the house, because people will break into the house and steal the wiring out of the walls......"

It sounds like they need to move into their own house.
Be hard to steal the wiring if they all are living there with a bunch of dogs.
Unless their house is deemed uninhabitable by "the man", that is where they should probably go. How else is that house going to get fixed.

 

[Superfly]

expected....you love them, and want to do the right thing

dear....you have DONE THE RIGHT THING

whats the old saying about leading a horse to water

Hardest decision i EVER made was kicking my son out of the house....and making him stand on his own damn feet

You can only ENABLE them so long....and the time has come

That's what my friend said today. My oldest daughter is 35. Her husband is 40. My middle child is 24 and her boyfriend is 29. My youngest is 22. They can all work.

It's just the kids I'm worried about. To be angry and upset at the adults has adverse side effects on the children.

 

[Superfly]

Yeah, I remember you talked about him a lot. He was a great guy and Im sure he would back you up all the way in spirit.

Take care of yourself and while they may not like this decision, your kids and grandkids will thank you in the long run, Im sure of it.

Maybe, and no he wouldn't back me up at all. He would tell me I was being selfish, and to leave the kids alone. /shrug/

Unfortunately, I was not always honest about that part of my life. Without going into too much, it wasn't always great.

 

[ttwtt78640]

That's what my friend said today. My oldest daughter is 35. Her husband is 40. My middle child is 24 and her boyfriend is 29. My youngest is 22. They can all work.

It's just the kids I'm worried about. To be angry and upset at the adults has adverse side effects on the children.

I’d also worry about kids living in a non-code compliant house with total slackers expected to look out for their well being. If something bad should happen to those kids or their friends, you may have problems getting your homeowner insurance to honor a claim under those conditions.

 

[MaryP]

Tell them you have to take the next decent offer and then sell it. No questions or excuses. You helped them out as long as you could. You feel bad for them, I know, but you did your best. Now the ball is in their court. All you can do is cross your fingers for them. They'll come through, somehow or other.

 

[Superfly]

I’d also worry about kids living in a non-code compliant house with total slackers expected to look out for their well being. If something bad should happen to those kids or their friends, you may have problems getting your homeowner insurance to honor a claim under those conditions.

Yeah I get what you're saying. *sigh*

 

[Superfly]

Tell them you have to take the next decent offer and then sell it. No questions or excuses. You helped them out as long as you could. You feel bad for them, I know, but you did your best. Now the ball is in their court. All you can do is cross your fingers for them. They'll come through, somehow or other.

Thanks. That's what I'm going to have to do. I can't get out of the quagmire I am in until I stop covering for them.

They like to use the, "Dad left this house to all of us, not just you," and I've had to explain that that's not how it works. My middle daughter became so pissed at me for wanting to sell it and said that I had no right. She said, "You promised you'd give us this house, not sell it and go somewhere else." I was so angry - I was like, "How about you let me die before you decide what I'm supposed to do with MY HOUSE."

 

[Superfly]

I've actually wondered if they are sabotaging the viewings, just to keep the house from selling.

 

[ttwtt78640]

Thanks. That's what I'm going to have to do. I can't get out of the quagmire I am in until I stop covering for them.

They like to use the, "Dad left this house to all of us, not just you," and I've had to explain that that's not how it works. My middle daughter became so pissed at me for wanting to sell it and said that I had no right. She said, "You promised you'd give us this house, not sell it and go somewhere else." I was so angry - I was like, "How about you let me die before you decide what I'm supposed to do with MY HOUSE."

Even if there is an issue with the will (which I doubt), so long as you hold title to the house it would cost them thousands in legal fees (up front) to challenge the sale.

 

[jotathought]

Hey, y'all. Could use some advice.

Let me preface this by saying this is regarding my family, so please - if you can't say anything nice, just don't bother.

I have a house down near Birmingham, paid for, free and clear. When my husband was still alive, we bought it with every intention of fixing it up. He passed away before we were able to get any work done. All of a sudden, I was cash-strapped with no money to fix the house up, and I didn't know how to fix it up on my own.

When I started working in Louisiana, it stood, for the most part, empty. I had planned on putting it on the market, but my adult daughter's lease was up, and she needed somewhere to go that would take herself, her family, and her pets.

I told her that she could live in my house, as long as they fixed it up and did some minor repairs that needed to be done, and they said that that would be no problem. I also told them that I wouldn't hammer them with rent, as long as they paid my homeowner's insurance bill every month. They said that that would be no problem as well.

That were supposed to live there only long enough to make the repairs on their house, so they could move in there, and my house would be empty. Their house is in a bad neighborhood, and the electrician who is rewiring it doesn't want to rewire the house, because people will break into the house and steal the wiring out of the walls (for a 2nd time). So no work is currently being done, and no work is being done on my house, either (they haven't really done any repairs to it).

They missed this month's rent payment and can't pay it until like the 19th. If I waited that long, my homeowner's would expire, so I'm having to pay for it myself out of an already strapped check, and then just hope that eventually they will pay me back.

They've been in my house for a year. I had a solid cash offer on my house, if they could close in 3 weeks. I have to have a minimum of a 60 day close, though, because it will take that long for my daughter to get her house ready. So I had to turn down that offer.

I am so angry and frustrated. They shouldn't have been there that long, but that's beside the point. My daughter hasn't been working, mostly because she doesn't want to, but also she's been having trouble with her son acting out, and she can't leave him alone. He's threatened suicide (not sure if he's serious, but you have to take any threat seriously), and my son-in-law just suffered a stress-related heart attack last week.

I'm so torn. I don't know what to do. I am having to work just to be able to pay rent on my house, just because I can't sell my house and pay for another one. I'm literally paying rent on a house, even though I have a house that's paid in full. They don't have a lot of money, and have too many dogs to be able to rent a regular house while their house is being worked on.

I don't know what to do. I am in such a bad spot and I can't kick them out, but I need to be able to sell my house, so I can buy a house here, and pay my car off. If I do that, I will be saving $1,800 a month, and won't even really have to work. I can go back to the way I was before, where I didn't have to work, and had much more free time.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but I've given them a year and nothing is moving forward at all. I'm broke as **** and can't afford to keep paying all these bills by myself when I shouldn't even have to.

My response is to take the emotion out of it ... If your children are unable to meet expectations from what you've described .. I would have the hard conversation with them. They are making their problems .. yours.

 

[Superfly]

Even if there is an issue with the will (which I doubt), so long as you hold title to the house it would cost them thousands in legal fees (up front) to challenge the sale.

The house was in his and my name. They don't have thousands. If they did, they'd be in their own place.

 

[Superfly]

My response is to take the emotion out of it ... If your children are unable to meet expectations from what you've described .. I would have the hard conversation with them. They are making their problems .. yours.

You're right, Jot. You're right. I am suffering (is that hyperbolic? Overly dramatic? I don't mean it to be).

 

[ecofarm]

Give them a good life. Even if they don't appreciate it. What the hell else are we here to do? Teach people lessons? Please.

 

[Moon]

Hey, y'all. Could use some advice.

Let me preface this by saying this is regarding my family, so please - if you can't say anything nice, just don't bother.

I have a house down near Birmingham, paid for, free and clear. When my husband was still alive, we bought it with every intention of fixing it up. He passed away before we were able to get any work done. All of a sudden, I was cash-strapped with no money to fix the house up, and I didn't know how to fix it up on my own.

When I started working in Louisiana, it stood, for the most part, empty. I had planned on putting it on the market, but my adult daughter's lease was up, and she needed somewhere to go that would take herself, her family, and her pets.

I told her that she could live in my house, as long as they fixed it up and did some minor repairs that needed to be done, and they said that that would be no problem. I also told them that I wouldn't hammer them with rent, as long as they paid my homeowner's insurance bill every month. They said that that would be no problem as well.

That were supposed to live there only long enough to make the repairs on their house, so they could move in there, and my house would be empty. Their house is in a bad neighborhood, and the electrician who is rewiring it doesn't want to rewire the house, because people will break into the house and steal the wiring out of the walls (for a 2nd time). So no work is currently being done, and no work is being done on my house, either (they haven't really done any repairs to it).

They missed this month's rent payment and can't pay it until like the 19th. If I waited that long, my homeowner's would expire, so I'm having to pay for it myself out of an already strapped check, and then just hope that eventually they will pay me back.

They've been in my house for a year. I had a solid cash offer on my house, if they could close in 3 weeks. I have to have a minimum of a 60 day close, though, because it will take that long for my daughter to get her house ready. So I had to turn down that offer.

I am so angry and frustrated. They shouldn't have been there that long, but that's beside the point. My daughter hasn't been working, mostly because she doesn't want to, but also she's been having trouble with her son acting out, and she can't leave him alone. He's threatened suicide (not sure if he's serious, but you have to take any threat seriously), and my son-in-law just suffered a stress-related heart attack last week.

I'm so torn. I don't know what to do. I am having to work just to be able to pay rent on my house, just because I can't sell my house and pay for another one. I'm literally paying rent on a house, even though I have a house that's paid in full. They don't have a lot of money, and have too many dogs to be able to rent a regular house while their house is being worked on.

I don't know what to do. I am in such a bad spot and I can't kick them out, but I need to be able to sell my house, so I can buy a house here, and pay my car off. If I do that, I will be saving $1,800 a month, and won't even really have to work. I can go back to the way I was before, where I didn't have to work, and had much more free time.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but I've given them a year and nothing is moving forward at all. I'm broke as **** and can't afford to keep paying all these bills by myself when I shouldn't even have to.

Sorry you’re having to go through all this. Dealing with family can certainly be difficult, but maybe it’s time to give them a hard date when they have to be out so you can sell it and move on? Only other thing I can think that might help would be to get them to sign a lease so you can at least take legal action if you have to.

 

[phoenix2020]

Tell them you have to take the next decent offer and then sell it. No questions or excuses. You helped them out as long as you could. You feel bad for them, I know, but you did your best. Now the ball is in their court. All you can do is cross your fingers for them. They'll come through, somehow or other.

I think this is the right approach. It's the forcing function they need to get their act together for the next ~40+ years to come, and it's the right approach for you.

 

[VySky]

Sometimes what's best for YOU is what's best for your family. Maybe just give them a set time. Say 30 days, then the house is on the market. That sounds like a fair approach maybe?

 

[Superfly]

Sorry you’re having to go through all this. Dealing with family can certainly be difficult, but maybe it’s time to give them a hard date when they have to be out so you can sell it and move on? Only other thing I can think that might help would be to get them to sign a lease so you can at least take legal action if you have to.

Yeah that's a good idea.

 

[Superfly]

I think this is the right approach. It's the forcing function they need to get their act together for the next ~40+ years to come, and it's the right approach for you.

And it's giving them time to get their shit together. I think I'm going to give them until March 1. That's almost 60 days. Between all of them working, they should have plenty of time to get things in order.

 

[Lursa]

Hey, y'all. Could use some advice.

Let me preface this by saying this is regarding my family, so please - if you can't say anything nice, just don't bother.

I have a house down near Birmingham, paid for, free and clear. When my husband was still alive, we bought it with every intention of fixing it up. He passed away before we were able to get any work done. All of a sudden, I was cash-strapped with no money to fix the house up, and I didn't know how to fix it up on my own.

When I started working in Louisiana, it stood, for the most part, empty. I had planned on putting it on the market, but my adult daughter's lease was up, and she needed somewhere to go that would take herself, her family, and her pets.

I told her that she could live in my house, as long as they fixed it up and did some minor repairs that needed to be done, and they said that that would be no problem. I also told them that I wouldn't hammer them with rent, as long as they paid my homeowner's insurance bill every month. They said that that would be no problem as well.

That were supposed to live there only long enough to make the repairs on their house, so they could move in there, and my house would be empty. Their house is in a bad neighborhood, and the electrician who is rewiring it doesn't want to rewire the house, because people will break into the house and steal the wiring out of the walls (for a 2nd time). So no work is currently being done, and no work is being done on my house, either (they haven't really done any repairs to it).

They missed this month's rent payment and can't pay it until like the 19th. If I waited that long, my homeowner's would expire, so I'm having to pay for it myself out of an already strapped check, and then just hope that eventually they will pay me back.

They've been in my house for a year. I had a solid cash offer on my house, if they could close in 3 weeks. I have to have a minimum of a 60 day close, though, because it will take that long for my daughter to get her house ready. So I had to turn down that offer.

I am so angry and frustrated. They shouldn't have been there that long, but that's beside the point. My daughter hasn't been working, mostly because she doesn't want to, but also she's been having trouble with her son acting out, and she can't leave him alone. He's threatened suicide (not sure if he's serious, but you have to take any threat seriously), and my son-in-law just suffered a stress-related heart attack last week.

I'm so torn. I don't know what to do. I am having to work just to be able to pay rent on my house, just because I can't sell my house and pay for another one. I'm literally paying rent on a house, even though I have a house that's paid in full. They don't have a lot of money, and have too many dogs to be able to rent a regular house while their house is being worked on.

I don't know what to do. I am in such a bad spot and I can't kick them out, but I need to be able to sell my house, so I can buy a house here, and pay my car off. If I do that, I will be saving $1,800 a month, and won't even really have to work. I can go back to the way I was before, where I didn't have to work, and had much more free time.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but I've given them a year and nothing is moving forward at all. I'm broke as **** and can't afford to keep paying all these bills by myself when I shouldn't even have to.

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

I've been thru similar types of family things where there is no 'good' solution. And so it drags on for years.

Then in hindsight, cutting it off earlier rather than later would have saved everyone more pain and heartache...even the ones you think are struggling. They still will, either way, now or later. But if you act now, then their consequences and life changes will happen and be overcome sooner rather than later also. But believe me, they wont be avoided. It just passes the pain down the line further.

P.S. Please see if a local organization will help rehome the dogs. There are people to reach out to for that. (I dont mean city/county orgs, I mean private organizations. Check social media. We have all sorts here, including for chickens.)

 

[post]

Oh **** no. I deliberately had my landlord put into my lease that no one could live there but me, because I knew my kids would try to move in with me. *sigh*

And yes, I have discussed it with them, and all I get is, "We are doing the best that we can."

Everything that happened before your son-in-law recently suffered a heart attack is irrelevant since, if it rendered him in a life threatening or a recuperative phase. All we know is what you have shared. If his health has seriously turned for the worse, they probably are doing the best they can, although it is debatable whether they were before, or not.

They are family. If the heart attack was not a major health impairment and since they've been there a year and done no repairs on your house,
you should send them written notice to leave within 30 days and next use Legal Zoom or some other inexpensive service to evict them for taking advantage of you.

If they won't give up their dogs out of consideration for you, what do they expect you to give up out of consideration for them?

( I hadn't read that your other two daughters and a boy friend had also moved in. Tell the three of them to pay what is required to avoid
any continued out of pocket expense from you and if they have not paid in ten days, serve all with eviction notices!)

 

[radioman]

And it's giving them time to get their shit together. I think I'm going to give them until March 1. That's almost 60 days. Between all of them working, they should have plenty of time to get things in order.

Tough thing to do, but really what choice do you have?
The kids are clearly taking advantage of your soft-heartedness.
They are mooching off you with little consideration for your own financial situation.
There may be hurt feelings for awhile, but they will recover.