Need a little advice -

[ttwtt78640]

Yeah that's a good idea.

Only if you want them to stay longer. Not having a lease means they become the new owner’s problem if (when?) you sell.

 

[post]

Thanks. That's what I'm going to have to do. I can't get out of the quagmire I am in until I stop covering for them.

They like to use the, "Dad left this house to all of us, not just you," and I've had to explain that that's not how it works. My middle daughter became so pissed at me for wanting to sell it and said that I had no right. She said, "You promised you'd give us this house, not sell it and go somewhere else." I was so angry - I was like, "How about you let me die before you decide what I'm supposed to do with MY HOUSE."

Not only is she wrong about the ownership, she is making you continue to pay the carrying expenses of continued ownership of the property
and interfering with your ability to obtain a timely sale and lower your post sale living expenses.

None of them are currently paying you anything or attempting to improve the condition of the place in any way?

 

[reflechissez]

Everything that happened (except the heart attack) was predictable.

 

[Nomad4Ever]

What a roller coaster. I read the following and was like: "damn that's shitty, you should kick them out!"

I am so angry and frustrated. They shouldn't have been there that long

Then I read this, and the situation became a lot more complicated.

but also she's been having trouble with her son acting out, and she can't leave him alone. He's threatened suicide (not sure if he's serious, but you have to take any threat seriously), and my son-in-law just suffered a stress-related heart attack last week.

I don't really have any advice for you that other's haven't already offered. I just wanted to say it is a really tough situation that you should never have been put in. I really wish you the best.

 

[Emily L]

Hey, y'all. Could use some advice.

Let me preface this by saying this is regarding my family, so please - if you can't say anything nice, just don't bother.

I have a house down near Birmingham, paid for, free and clear. When my husband was still alive, we bought it with every intention of fixing it up. He passed away before we were able to get any work done. All of a sudden, I was cash-strapped with no money to fix the house up, and I didn't know how to fix it up on my own.

When I started working in Louisiana, it stood, for the most part, empty. I had planned on putting it on the market, but my adult daughter's lease was up, and she needed somewhere to go that would take herself, her family, and her pets.

I told her that she could live in my house, as long as they fixed it up and did some minor repairs that needed to be done, and they said that that would be no problem. I also told them that I wouldn't hammer them with rent, as long as they paid my homeowner's insurance bill every month. They said that that would be no problem as well.

That were supposed to live there only long enough to make the repairs on their house, so they could move in there, and my house would be empty. Their house is in a bad neighborhood, and the electrician who is rewiring it doesn't want to rewire the house, because people will break into the house and steal the wiring out of the walls (for a 2nd time). So no work is currently being done, and no work is being done on my house, either (they haven't really done any repairs to it).

They missed this month's rent payment and can't pay it until like the 19th. If I waited that long, my homeowner's would expire, so I'm having to pay for it myself out of an already strapped check, and then just hope that eventually they will pay me back.

They've been in my house for a year. I had a solid cash offer on my house, if they could close in 3 weeks. I have to have a minimum of a 60 day close, though, because it will take that long for my daughter to get her house ready. So I had to turn down that offer.

I am so angry and frustrated. They shouldn't have been there that long, but that's beside the point. My daughter hasn't been working, mostly because she doesn't want to, but also she's been having trouble with her son acting out, and she can't leave him alone. He's threatened suicide (not sure if he's serious, but you have to take any threat seriously), and my son-in-law just suffered a stress-related heart attack last week.

I'm so torn. I don't know what to do. I am having to work just to be able to pay rent on my house, just because I can't sell my house and pay for another one. I'm literally paying rent on a house, even though I have a house that's paid in full. They don't have a lot of money, and have too many dogs to be able to rent a regular house while their house is being worked on.

I don't know what to do. I am in such a bad spot and I can't kick them out, but I need to be able to sell my house, so I can buy a house here, and pay my car off. If I do that, I will be saving $1,800 a month, and won't even really have to work. I can go back to the way I was before, where I didn't have to work, and had much more free time.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but I've given them a year and nothing is moving forward at all. I'm broke as **** and can't afford to keep paying all these bills by myself when I shouldn't even have to.

Superfly, this is just something to think about, and it's something that your daughter would need to do, although you could certainly help her do it.

I don't know anything about "Go Fund Me," but your daughter's situation might qualify. I mean, she is a young woman who has three children and can't leave one of them because of the child's psychological problems, which means she's unable to work. Her husband has had a heart attack and can't work, either, and the owner of the house is threatening eviction because of her own financial problems. The owner also expects her to pay for some home repairs.

Of course, the application would have to be 100% honest and not misleading. If she qualifies, then any donations that come her way could be used to avoid eviction and do some of the needed repairs. It won't last forever, of course, but it might be a way to get by until the situation can change.

It's just a thought.

 

[Old 'N Chill]

And it's giving them time to get their shit together. I think I'm going to give them until March 1. That's almost 60 days. Between all of them working, they should have plenty of time to get things in order.

Superfly, you shouldn't have to be going through all this, you don't need the stress and worry, my heart goes out to you. You mention feeling selfish and guilty, stop that right now. You have been nothing but generous and loving, and your family is taking advantage and don't seem to give a damn about you at all. That is not right, and you need to put an end to it.

If you're kind enough to give them until March 1st, you have to be firm and ready to enforce that....period. I know it's not that simple, but if you don't sell the house, it will be in much worse shape then when you let your daughter live there, and that sucks.

I'm an animal lover, but if they can't meet their financial obligations and promises to you, then they need to get rid of the six dogs. They can give them to friends or put them up for adoption in a no kill shelter. Then they can get their own place. You've done enough already, time to do something for yourself, you deserve it.

I don't have any hard advice, and I'm sorry for that. I'm angry that you have to put up with this crap, from family no less. If you can manage to get them out and take a cash offer, that will be best for you. They are old enough to get over their own hurdles now, grow up and show some responsibility and consideration for their mother. Good luck....hugs.

 

[phoenix2020]

@Superfly - after some more thought -

As a parent your responsibility is to act in support of giving your children the best possible long term outcome. They seem relatively young, and while I wish you the longest of life and health, odds are that there will be a time--potentially many decades long--during which you won't be there for them, and they will need to be responsible for themselves. Therefore while giving more time in 2022 helps their situation in 2022, it does not push them into the trajectory they need to be in by 2030, 2040, 2050.... and over the long haul, that's what matters.

So, I think giving them a generous but firm period of time (60 days? 90 days? this is a local optimization that you need to decide on) for them to collectively create a new living situation for themselves is the right approach. If you want to be extra generous, post-house sale with them situated somewhere else, you can gift them a bit of cash to cover their first month or two as a head start or early boost in their new living situation--if you feel up to it and can afford it. It's possible there may be raw feelings but if we consider only facts, this is probably for the best over the long haul.

Also - this seems like a drifting group of young adults. In my experience, such people often don't know what they are capable of until given a push. Human beings are amazingly resilient creatures who often do their best work under situations of challenge and duress so I think it's OK and probably even beneficial to give them an ultimatum that they have to work through. Since it's a group of adults, hopefully the dynamic is such that they will work together. Even if they don't, they'll still learn something about their relationships with each other.

 

[dairyair]

Well son-in-law was working until he had a heart attack. He can't go back to work until his dr clears him, and his next drs appt is the 19th.

She doesn't want to work, and this issue with her son has only reared its head in the last year or so. I feel like that's partially an excuse on her part to not work.

But T, I don't know - 3 kids, 6 ****ing dogs, and a sick husband, plus - I didn't even mention this. My other two daughters live there and one's boyfriend lives there. I have 8 people, 6 dogs, and 3 cats living in my house, and they are basically doing ****-all to help me out.

Dogs seem to be a big factor and an easy one to correct.
And dogs are expensive to keep.
Tell them to get rid of the dogs so it's easier for them to find a place to rent. I fear the dogs have wrecked your house though.

I've rented a house to people with a dog and it wasn't pretty.

 

[PirateMk1]

Well son-in-law was working until he had a heart attack. He can't go back to work until his dr clears him, and his next drs appt is the 19th.

She doesn't want to work, and this issue with her son has only reared its head in the last year or so. I feel like that's partially an excuse on her part to not work.

But T, I don't know - 3 kids, 6 ****ing dogs, and a sick husband, plus - I didn't even mention this. My other two daughters live there and one's boyfriend lives there. I have 8 people, 6 dogs, and 3 cats living in my house, and they are basically doing ****-all to help me out.

I had this similar situation myself with my sisters daughter and her husband. We had had a breakin at the house because it was unoccupied. So we were eager to get someone in it and we thought family would be best. I did not know about the many cats or the other dogs besides one. That one little oversight started a whole chain of events. Anyhow I and my brother let them rent the house (my moms house) that we wanted occupied. We gave them a similar deal to what you did. Needless to say I show up to check on some stuff at the house I find it in shall we say lesser condition than when they moved in. I gave warning to clean up the place because if my mother saw that she would murder not only them but my brother and I. I let my brother know the situation and kept it on the down low from my mom to let things play out more. The stench was NOT pleasant. Apparently my warning went on deaf ears. My brother stopped in later to check and see if the clean up had been done. It had not. My brother threw them out then and there. He helped them pack and everything right then they were out that day. I have never ever heard him that angry. From the later tales I have heard my brother did a good imitation of Godzilla destroying Tokyo. Can't blame him, they were warned already. We are still doing clean up from when they were in the house. If you haven't given them warning I would advise doing so. I would also look into how to do an eviction if it gets down to brass tacks. It absolutely sucks, I know it was kinda awkward at first dealing with my sister but thankfully she understood our situation. You should be unordinarily frank with your daughter and let her know how the cow ate the cabbage and your expectations. Hopefully they comply but if they do not you may have to evict them and that may cost you money that you don't want to spend. Whatever you end up doing I wish you luck.

 

[Lursa]

That's what my friend said today. My oldest daughter is 35. Her husband is 40. My middle child is 24 and her boyfriend is 29. My youngest is 22. They can all work.

It's just the kids I'm worried about. To be angry and upset at the adults has adverse side effects on the children.

And they'll 'use' those kids. I've seen it first hand, "but the children will suffer!" They dont need to do a thing...you're already thinking it. And after the kids were much older...it was too late. Well entrenched, no skills developed, huge credit card bills for illegitimate credit cards, living off of others, used to manipulating for every single thing. As 30+ yr olds.

 

[Lursa]

@Superfly Also, contact a lawyer regarding if you should charge them rent or not. Or to continue to do so or not. It really affects your ability to evict and sell.

There is a service called Legal Shield, it's about $35/month for handling a single file/issue. I used them for a landlord/tenant issue, so ask for that group for their legal focus on that. They produce documents and letters for you too.

 

[Court Jester]

Sell the house, it is a no brainer for you. Your daughter is NEVER going to fix the house, if she intended to she would have already started.

If your daughter wants to buy the house, she could get a loan, and then buy the house from you; I'm sure you would give her a good deal, especially since it is your daughter, and the house needs a lot of work.

Those are in my opinion the only two options. My gut tells me that selling for you is the better option.

We do not help our children when we don't have adult expectations of them. She should have worked to fix up the house, and she should not be behind in rent. Sounds like she doesn't care about your needs.

 

[justabubba]

your family members have a way out
they have a house a house to live in that needs to be re-wired
there are 8 adults available to babysit that house 24X7 until the wiring is completed. no justifiable reason for that home to sit unguarded
once completed, and it does not take all that long for an electrician to re-wire a typical single family residence, there is a viable place for them to stay

in fact, they should have already done this
they have not made the repairs to your home in over a year
they did not need to
past is prologue. they have no intent to upgrade your home
hell, they don't even pay the monthly obligation they agreed to
8 adults who were able to work; maybe 7 adults currently, but your son-in-law may be able to return to work soon
so that many adults cannot pay the tab that you now have to pay using your singular income? in addition to your own personal expenses
that's bullshit
which is also what they are treating you like

let them know they have until XYZ date to get their house re-wired and out of your home because on that date your home goes on the market

the only thing you are depriving your children of is incentive to do for themselves. stop depriving them of that essential skill. your grandkids are watching to see how it is (or isn't) done

wish you and them the best

 

[PoS]

Maybe, and no he wouldn't back me up at all. He would tell me I was being selfish, and to leave the kids alone. /shrug/

Unfortunately, I was not always honest about that part of my life. Without going into too much, it wasn't always great.

I see. Well, you need to look out for yourself too. If theyre not working even though they could, then its clear theyre just taking advantage of you, and thats not right.

You could lessen the blow by giving them a loan (of course you need to be sure theyll repay it) once the house is sold to help them move to a new place. Thats what I would do.

 

[VanceMack]

1-Who says selfish is a bad thing? You are responsible for you...and they as adults are responsible for them. SO...you HAVE to take care of your needs...because no one else is.
2-You arent pursuing avenues out of spite...you are doing so out of necessity. That doesnt mean you dont love them...it just means you cant carry their burdens.
3-My personal opinion would be that if you are determined to sell the house they are currently occupying so that you can take care of your home and yourself, then I'd set a date, inform them of the date, and attempt to get the home on the market with a firm date the home will be available.
4-If its just too personal, hire a real estate property management company. They will hold them accountable for rent owed and the eviction if it comes to that.

You might say yes...but what about all their problems? Their problems. That you are carrying. The question sort of answers itself. Again...this isnt something done of spite.

 

[Superfly]

Not only is she wrong about the ownership, she is making you continue to pay the carrying expenses of continued ownership of the property
and interfering with your ability to obtain a timely sale and lower your post sale living expenses.

None of them are currently paying you anything or attempting to improve the condition of the place in any way?

$238 a month to giver my homeowners insurance and it’s late this month

 

[Superfly]

Thanks for all the advice, y’all. Such a bad situation to be in.

 

[trixare4kids]

This is a tough situation but you have only one choice, and that's to take care of yourself so that you are living your best life.
Time to allow your family members to pull themselves up and face the consequences of their own actions. Set a deadline so that you can get the best price for your house.

Remember, you're doing them a favor, and are essentially forcing them to take care of themselves. Showing tough love does not show a lack of love but a BIG amount of love.... You can do this.
All the best to you and your family members.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Well son-in-law was working until he had a heart attack. He can't go back to work until his dr clears him, and his next drs appt is the 19th.

She doesn't want to work, and this issue with her son has only reared its head in the last year or so. I feel like that's partially an excuse on her part to not work.

But T, I don't know - 3 kids, 6 ****ing dogs, and a sick husband, plus - I didn't even mention this. My other two daughters live there and one's boyfriend lives there. I have 8 people, 6 dogs, and 3 cats living in my house, and they are basically doing ****-all to help me out.

Couch it in THESE terms:

"If I don't SELL this house, I MYSELF will wind up homeless, and that's not about to happen, so I HAVE to SELL this house."

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Thanks for all the advice, y’all. Such a bad situation to be in.

Our daughter is BRILLIANT in the hair styling field.
She's quite simply, a beauty expert in every way.
She lives in Portland in a house she rents with her female BFF.



She went to school for it and EVEN PAID OFF her student loan 100% with NO help from us!
Of course, as a result, she now has a credit score of something like 780, pretty impressive.

One day she just decided that she didn't want to do hair anymore, walked into the salon and quit.
Naturally, as her money ran out, she needed help and we gave her help, without hesitation, all the while
questioning the wisdom of throwing away a trade education that cost her a pretty penny.

Recently she told us that she and her BFF want to start a CANDLE MAKING business.
Yeah, right...like there's only something like 7636538347563614894960977351243430967634542324343228958967
OTHER "candle making businesses" out there and I suspect 99.9999999999999999% of them don't make dollar ONE.

Is my daughter nutz? Maybe, a little bit.
But Miss Karen told daughter that quite frankly we cannot afford to keep her afloat AND pay our own bills AND support
her disabled brother AND handle the consequences if she gets evicted.
So now, her and her best friend have decided that they're going to do DoorDash but the weird part is, they're planning
to SPLIT the income from this one job between the two of them, she does the driving and her NON-driving bestie does the
walking of the delivery stuff to the door and back.
One job split between two people isn't going to be near enough $$$.

And through it all my wife is doling out more tough love.
Our daughter is too strong, too healthy, too smart and too beautiful to not simply GET after it and go make a decent living.
And my Navy wife is now talking about how boot camp might have straightened a lot of this out.
Since there's no way our daughter is going to serve in the Navy, that leaves US two as the "drill instructors" in a manner of speaking.
And to do otherwise would equal us being awful parents...the little birdie HAS to learn to fly on its own.

 

[PirateMk1]

Our daughter is BRILLIANT in the hair styling field.
She's quite simply, a beauty expert in every way.
She lives in Portland in a house she rents with her female BFF.

View attachment 67368089

She went to school for it and EVEN PAID OFF her student loan 100% with NO help from us!
Of course, as a result, she now has a credit score of something like 780, pretty impressive.

One day she just decided that she didn't want to do hair anymore, walked into the salon and quit.
Naturally, as her money ran out, she needed help and we gave her help, without hesitation, all the while
questioning the wisdom of throwing away a trade education that cost her a pretty penny.

Recently she told us that she and her BFF want to start a CANDLE MAKING business.
Yeah, right...like there's only something like 7636538347563614894960977351243430967634542324343228958967
OTHER "candle making businesses" out there and I suspect 99.9999999999999999% of them don't make dollar ONE.

Is my daughter nutz? Maybe, a little bit.
But Miss Karen told daughter that quite frankly we cannot afford to keep her afloat AND pay our own bills AND support
her disabled brother AND handle the consequences if she gets evicted.
So now, her and her best friend have decided that they're going to do DoorDash but the weird part is, they're planning
to SPLIT the income from this one job between the two of them, she does the driving and her NON-driving bestie does the
walking of the delivery stuff to the door and back.
One job split between two people isn't going to be near enough $$$.

And through it all my wife is doling out more tough love.
Our daughter is too strong, too healthy, too smart and too beautiful to not simply GET after it and go make a decent living.
And my Navy wife is now talking about how boot camp might have straightened a lot of this out.
Since there's no way our daughter is going to serve in the Navy, that leaves US two as the "drill instructors" in a manner of speaking.
And to do otherwise would equal us being awful parents...the little birdie HAS to learn to fly on its own.

That's the crappy part of parenting nobody mentions having to get tough. It sucks. I wish you and the rest of the parents the board going through a rough patch with your children the best of luck. Those WTF are you thinking times tend to throw parents for a loop. Cheers.

 

[Superfly]

Our daughter is BRILLIANT in the hair styling field.
She's quite simply, a beauty expert in every way.
She lives in Portland in a house she rents with her female BFF.

View attachment 67368089

She went to school for it and EVEN PAID OFF her student loan 100% with NO help from us!
Of course, as a result, she now has a credit score of something like 780, pretty impressive.

One day she just decided that she didn't want to do hair anymore, walked into the salon and quit.
Naturally, as her money ran out, she needed help and we gave her help, without hesitation, all the while
questioning the wisdom of throwing away a trade education that cost her a pretty penny.

Recently she told us that she and her BFF want to start a CANDLE MAKING business.
Yeah, right...like there's only something like 7636538347563614894960977351243430967634542324343228958967
OTHER "candle making businesses" out there and I suspect 99.9999999999999999% of them don't make dollar ONE.

Is my daughter nutz? Maybe, a little bit.
But Miss Karen told daughter that quite frankly we cannot afford to keep her afloat AND pay our own bills AND support
her disabled brother AND handle the consequences if she gets evicted.
So now, her and her best friend have decided that they're going to do DoorDash but the weird part is, they're planning
to SPLIT the income from this one job between the two of them, she does the driving and her NON-driving bestie does the
walking of the delivery stuff to the door and back.
One job split between two people isn't going to be near enough $$$.

And through it all my wife is doling out more tough love.
Our daughter is too strong, too healthy, too smart and too beautiful to not simply GET after it and go make a decent living.
And my Navy wife is now talking about how boot camp might have straightened a lot of this out.
Since there's no way our daughter is going to serve in the Navy, that leaves US two as the "drill instructors" in a manner of speaking.
And to do otherwise would equal us being awful parents...the little birdie HAS to learn to fly on its own.

Makes me feel like a bad parent, because all my kids are doing this.

 

[Cardinal]

I know. You're right. I just feel guilty.

I understand where the feeling comes from, but logically you shouldn’t.

 

[PirateMk1]

Makes me feel like a bad parent, because all my kids are doing this.

Nah you could be the perfect parent and still have your kids be stupid. It's something that some just have to grow out of. Usually with the assistance of some adversity.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Makes me feel like a bad parent, because all my kids are doing this.

You're not. You just love your kids.
And they're not loving you back.
We are very fortunate in that both kids seem to appreciate our efforts, our daughter just doesn't realize that starting a business is incredibly difficult.