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Need a little advice -

True, and like Trix said, there is no growth without pain.

I'm going to have to be firm with them. I'll let them know that I love them, but I have to be firm. I am still young. I'm only 55. I still have time left to start over and actually enjoy life. It's hard to do that with all this hanging over my head.
Part of doing this successfully is being fully aware of the fact that your kids know exactly where to poke to get the desired reaction. You have to know what the buttons are, and sever the wires in advance. That doesn't mean not feeling the thing that the action elicits...that's not possible...but not giving the reaction that's expected.

I have my own little horror story that I'm not going to share...for my own reasons...but as difficult as it was to sever that type of toxic relationship, I would never go back to the way things were. Not for twenty million dollars.

And just for the record, I'm not coming at this from a "Your kids are bad" angle, any more than a veterinarian would tell you that the reason your dog barks at night is because "he's a bad dog, just a real piece of shit."
 
Part of doing this successfully is being fully aware of the fact that your kids know exactly where to poke to get the desired reaction. You have to know what the buttons are, and sever the wires in advance. That doesn't mean not feeling the thing that the action elicits...that's not possible...but not giving the reaction that's expected.

I have my own little horror story that I'm not going to share...for my own reasons...but as difficult as it was to sever that type of toxic relationship, I would never go back to the way things were. Not for twenty million dollars.

And just for the record, I'm not coming at this from a "Your kids are bad" angle, any more than a veterinarian would tell you that the reason your dog barks at night is because "he's a bad dog, just a real piece of shit."

I just texted them (well, two of them. I blocked middle child). I told them that I'd love to be able to try to work this out like adults, but I can't do that if they refuse to talk to me. I will wait, and then I will tell them when the new showing is scheduled. If they try to sabotage the sale, I will move forward with eviction proceedings. I don't want to have to do that, but I have no choice. I will let them know beforehand of my intentions.

I ****ing hate this, Card.
 
Hang in there, Supes. Youre in the right on this, and we're with you 100%.

Thanks, luv. I don't feel right, but that is their doing. They've been living there for months and months. This could have been resolved a long time ago.
 
I just texted them (well, two of them. I blocked middle child). I told them that I'd love to be able to try to work this out like adults, but I can't do that if they refuse to talk to me. I will wait, and then I will tell them when the new showing is scheduled. If they try to sabotage the sale, I will move forward with eviction proceedings. I don't want to have to do that, but I have no choice. I will let them know beforehand of my intentions.

I ****ing hate this, Card.
What you'll often see prosecutors do with important or powerful targets of investigation is go out of their way to give those targets the time and space to provide important documents so that a judge or jury doesn't think they were overly aggressive. (This obviously isn't always the case, but you see it now and again). They give the targets the rope to hang themselves. But this can backfire spectacularly, such as we saw with Mueller's investigation of Trump. Mueller bent over backwards to be fair to a sitting President, and in the end trump completely steamrolled him.

That's one dynamic.

A second dynamic I'm seeing take place is that waiting and giving them time isn't going to result in them growing up and solving their problems. The waiting is a successful, albeit temporary, achievement of their solution to their problem: the continuation of the status quo. Another analogy is how a suspect will run from the cops to buy a precious few seconds or minutes of freedom. Maybe they're delusional enough to believe the cops will grow bored and give up. Maybe your kids are delusional enough to believe if they ignore your calls or wait you out, you'll find another solution to your problem that doesn't involve kicking them out.

Now, I'm not trying to rush you into a hasty approach. You shouldn't do anything you don't feel certain about. I'm just telling you two dynamics that will be at play between now and the successful resolution of your problem.
 
What you'll often see prosecutors do with important or powerful targets of investigation is go out of their way to give those targets the time and space to provide important documents so that a judge or jury doesn't think they were overly aggressive. (This obviously isn't always the case, but you see it now and again). They give the targets the rope to hang themselves. But this can backfire spectacularly, such as we saw with Mueller's investigation of Trump. Mueller bent over backwards to be fair to a sitting President, and in the end trump completely steamrolled him.

That's one dynamic.

A second dynamic I'm seeing take place is that waiting and giving them time isn't going to result in them growing up and solving their problems. The waiting is a successful, albeit temporary, achievement of their solution to their problem: the continuation of the status quo. Another analogy is how a suspect will run from the cops to buy a precious few seconds or minutes of freedom. Maybe they're delusional enough to believe the cops will grow bored and give up. Maybe your kids are delusional enough to believe if they ignore your calls or wait you out, you'll find another solution to your problem that doesn't involve kicking them out.

Now, I'm not trying to rush you into a hasty approach. You shouldn't do anything you don't feel certain about. I'm just telling you two dynamics that will be at play between now and the successful resolution of your problem.

I believe that they are involved in the 2nd dynamic. They think that because I'm their mom, I'll allow them to run over me, and I'll end up just letting them have the house. They are under the impression that their father left that house to all of us. They are mistaken. My name is on the deed. They can try to take it to court and fight it, but they won't have the money. If they had that kind of money, they'd be in their own place. They are all broke as hell because they don't know how to save, and nobody wants to work except the son-in-law.
 
I believe that they are involved in the 2nd dynamic. They think that because I'm their mom, I'll allow them to run over me, and I'll end up just letting them have the house. They are under the impression that their father left that house to all of us. They are mistaken. My name is on the deed. They can try to take it to court and fight it, but they won't have the money. If they had that kind of money, they'd be in their own place. They are all broke as hell because they don't know how to save, and nobody wants to work except the son-in-law.
Just keep remembering that in the long run, this will actually be beneficial for them...but they'll never act on their own.

And the sooner you take action, the sooner their journey on their own independence will start.
 
Well, I've had to block two of the three. They are so hateful. Baby daughter isn't normally that way, but is very easily led. Middle child is leading the pack on hate today, and baby daughter is following closely behind her.

What the actual **** .... they hate my boyfriend and he's never done anything to them but be kind. They hate all my other friends and they've all tried to be nice to them.

They are not mutually exclusive. There's no reason they can't all be in my life, but the girls are just awful, horrible people when they want to be, and want me to have no one in my life but them.

They hate everything about how I've changed and become a better person, a much happier person, down to the people who are in my life now. They hate everything I have done to better myself, and to improve my life.

It hurts, but by blocking them, that was my way of choosing a happier path for myself. I shouldn't be guilted because I have friends, or have someone who cares for me.

This is going to hurt. Going to be gut-wrenching, not having them in my life, but I don't know any other path to go down.
 
Just keep remembering that in the long run, this will actually be beneficial for them...but they'll never act on their own.

And the sooner you take action, the sooner their journey on their own independence will start.

I know. And that journey won't include me. I've stepped away from them, and they are stepping away from me. I didn't want this. I just wanted my house. I don't understand the selfishness. I'm not that way at all and I never raised them to be that way.
 
I know. And that journey won't include me. I've stepped away from them, and they are stepping away from me. I didn't want this. I just wanted my house. I don't understand the selfishness. I'm not that way at all and I never raised them to be that way.
You'd be surprised about that contact. Time and distance heals....
 
I'm not good at giving advice but my best friend from down the street had her son living in her basement. They did everything they could do to give him the tools he needed to get going. Arranging for him to get job interviews in which he did go to several interviews but didn't show up for the job he got. Eventually he became abusive towards them. Argumentative, threatening, name calling because of their age all the while eating their food and using everything he needed to keep himself fed, clean and comfortable. After the police got called by her because the father and son were at each others throats one Saturday afternoon they filed an eviction notice with the court. The cost was 50.00. As I recall he had 30 days to respond to the notice. Not sure how it all went down but the judge told him(when he did show up for the notice to appear in court) that he had 5 days to report back to the court and let the court know what he was putting in place to move on. Then the court gave him 10 days to actually do it. if he had failed at any point to either show up for court or move on then he would have been arrested taken to jail and let out on the street from the court or jail. During this time, my friend and her husband had gotten a hold of the Department on Aging. The Department on Aging was able to give them advice and some peace of mind to let them know that their son by law was not aloud by law to be a freeloader.

The place he lives now is not ideal and he's about to be kicked out of there too. I just keep reminding her that she not need to get involved. He's 37 years old and has lived with them on and off many times and it has never served them well.

At some point in the legal process I believe you will have the right to either have them evicted or removed from the premises. Then you can change the locks and if they try to go back in it will be unlawful trespassing. I just put down a few thoughts of mine here maybe something in my post will help you. Good luck to you and honestly you are a good person so don't ever think that you didn't at least try to give them a safety net because you did. They just mistook it for a free ride.
 
You'd be surprised about that contact. Time and distance heals....

I hope so. I've been crying at my desk all morning. This was so unnecessary. I'd like to say that I don't know where all this hatred and vitriol came from, but I do. Their father was mean for sport.
 
I'm not good at giving advice but my best friend from down the street had her son living in her basement. They did everything they could do to give him the tools he needed to get going. Arranging for him to get job interviews in which he did go to several interviews but didn't show up for the job he got. Eventually he became abusive towards them. Argumentative, threatening, name calling because of their age all the while eating their food and using everything he needed to keep himself fed, clean and comfortable. After the police got called by her because the father and son were at each others throats one Saturday afternoon they filed an eviction notice with the court. The cost was 50.00. As I recall he had 30 days to respond to the notice. Not sure how it all went down but the judge told him(when he did show up for the notice to appear in court) that he had 5 days to report back to the court and let the court know what he was putting in place to move on. Then the court gave him 10 days to actually do it. if he had failed at any point to either show up for court or move on then he would have been arrested taken to jail and let out on the street from the court or jail. During this time, my friend and her husband had gotten a hold of the Department on Aging. The Department on Aging was able to give them advice and some peace of mind to let them know that their son by law was not aloud by law to be a freeloader.

The place he lives now is not ideal and he's about to be kicked out of there too. I just keep reminding her that she not need to get involved. He's 37 years old and has lived with them on and off many times and it has never served them well.

At some point in the legal process I believe you will have the right to either have them evicted or removed from the premises. Then you can change the locks and if they try to go back in it will be unlawful trespassing. I just put down a few thoughts of mine here maybe something in my post will help you. Good luck to you and honestly you are a good person so don't ever think that you didn't at least try to give them a safety net because you did. They just mistook it for a free ride.

Thanks. I really don't want them to be homeless. I don't. SO keeps telling me that I'm just lighting a fire under them which should have been lit a long time ago. They keep blaming him for all this, but I started talking to a realtor 5 months before I even met him. I can't imagine that they'd put themselves in the situation where they'd be homeless. They have two months. TWO ****ING MONTHS. That's plenty of time to get their affairs in order. They just don't want to, and they think that by giving me a hard time, that will make me not want to make them move.

If anything, though, it's making me want to make them move even more. It's making me angry because of all of the hatefulness coming from them.
 
Thanks. I really don't want them to be homeless. I don't. SO keeps telling me that I'm just lighting a fire under them which should have been lit a long time ago. They keep blaming him for all this, but I started talking to a realtor 5 months before I even met him. I can't imagine that they'd put themselves in the situation where they'd be homeless. They have two months. TWO ****ING MONTHS. That's plenty of time to get their affairs in order. They just don't want to, and they think that by giving me a hard time, that will make me not want to make them move.

If anything, though, it's making me want to make them move even more. It's making me angry because of all of the hatefulness coming from them.
Take them to Judge Judy. Seeing her blow up at them would be the highlight of my day.
 
Thanks. I really don't want them to be homeless. I don't. SO keeps telling me that I'm just lighting a fire under them which should have been lit a long time ago. They keep blaming him for all this, but I started talking to a realtor 5 months before I even met him. I can't imagine that they'd put themselves in the situation where they'd be homeless. They have two months. TWO ****ING MONTHS. That's plenty of time to get their affairs in order. They just don't want to, and they think that by giving me a hard time, that will make me not want to make them move.

If anything, though, it's making me want to make them move even more. It's making me angry because of all of the hatefulness coming from them.
blaming your boy friend
blaming you

notice who they are not blaming for their current circumstance?
 
I have suggested that. Sell the house, use what they get out of it to rent a nice place, or buy a mobile home and rent a lot. I suggested they move closer to the rest of the family, so we can be here to help them out, because obviously they need it.
They flatly refused, and said they loved where they lived, and were staying there.
There is something in this story that your daughter hasn't told you.


They love to live there but are holding on to your house? I would guess that the electricity isn't faulty but cut off due to lack of payments and that they either do not own the house anymore (the bank has taken it due to lack of payments or they have already sold it) or they can't sell it because the debt is higher than the value of the home.

Well, I don't know what it is, but there is something there that doesn't fit.

I would say that your two younger daughters are freeloading and that they should be thrown out immediately. But I think that your oldest is in a very serious predicament that she hasn't told you about and that they probably have debt they are not able to handle. I am not American and in Sweden it is easier to give advice in such situations, especially if there is 4 kids involved. The kids would require the community to give them an apartment no matter what. Kids are not allowed to be homeless. I do not know what to do in the US.


First you need to call her bluff. At the end of the day it is more about those kids than it is about your daughter,
 
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If I would speculate, I think there is some rivalry going on here. Your younger daughters tells themselves "If she gets to live in mom's house for free than so should I" and your older daughter have difficulties in saying no to them. The money from working from the husband of hers probably goes into feeding them al and paying for al bills, with boyfriends and al, and the younger daughters say to themselves that if your oldest doesn't pay for the insurance and everything else (they are making her into their second mom, making her responsible for them) than you should. So the income money from your oldest daughters husband doesn't stretch to also clear some of his family’s debts. So they are standing on the same place never moving forward (due to your two younger daughters)And the "day of reckoning" is moving closer and closer (You throwing them out) Hence heart attack.
 
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There is something in this story that your daughter hasn't told you.


They love to live there but are holding on to your house? I would guess that the electricity isn't faulty but cut off due to lack of payments and that they either do not own the house anymore (the bank has taken it due to lack of payments or they have already sold it) or they can't sell it because the debt is higher than the value of the home.

Well, I don't know what it is, but there is something there that doesn't fit.

I would say that your two younger daughters are freeloading and that they should be thrown out immediately. But I think that your oldest is in a very serious predicament that she hasn't told you about and that they probably have debt they are not able to handle. I am not American and in Sweden it is easier to give advice in such situations, especially if there is 4 kids involved. The kids would require the community to give them an apartment no matter what. Kids are not allowed to be homeless. I do not know what to do in the US.


First you need to call her bluff. At the end of the day it is more about those kids than it is about your daughter,

It's an odd situation. They bought a house around the same time that we did. The town that we live in has a very low property value, so they were able to take some cash that they had come into, and they paid cash for a fixer-upper. Problem was that the house needed a total gut and remodel, down to the wiring. They burned through all their money on bullshit and ended up not having the money to make the repairs. At one point, I was so desperate to get them out of my house (yes they were living with me at the time), I went out and bought the wiring for them, and they were supposed to pay me back. They never paid me back, put the wiring in, and then it was stolen out of the walls, because they basically walked away from that place for a year.

They have owned that house outright since May of 2019 and it's still not finished.
 
Get a lawyer. Start the eviction process. Take the next offer. They'll get over it one day @Superfly.

Not saying it won't be easy but you have to put yourself first.
 
If I would speculate, I think there is some rivalry going on here. Your younger daughters tells themselves "If she gets to live in mom's house for free than so should I" and your older daughter have difficulties in saying no to them. The money from working from the husband of hers probably goes into feeding them al and paying for al bills, with boyfriends and al, and the younger daughters say to themselves that if your oldest doesn't pay for the insurance and everything else (they are making her into their second mom, making her responsible for them) than you should. So the income money from your oldest daughters husband doesn't stretch to also clear some of his family’s debts. So they are standing on the same place never moving forward (due to your two younger daughters)And the "day of reckoning" is moving closer and closer (You throwing them out) Hence heart attack.

Very close. Oldest daughter won't work (don't know why). Her husband works, has a good job, and is supporting everyone. Middle daughter and her boyfriend worked for a while but now have no money, so they can't contribute, and didn't really contribute much when they did have money. Youngest daughter is a student and gets Chapter 35 education benefits, and helped when she could (which was often).

They may look at oldest daughter as "mom," but they don't need to. They are all adults. The youngest will be 23 in August. They are all old enough to be able to get their own place. They just choose not to, because it's easier to sponge off of me, and then try to make me feel guilty when I tell them it's time to grow up, so my life can move forward.
 
Get a lawyer. Start the eviction process. Take the next offer. They'll get over it one day @Superfly.

Can't afford it, luv. Lawyers cost money that I don't have. I will take the next offer as long as they are willing to have the 60 day close (well, today it's going to be a 59 day close, because yesterday they had 60 days), because I have to give them time to get a place. They have 3 kids and 6 dogs so it's not going to be easy to find a place. But they aren't even LOOKING. They aren't even TRYING. HBG (boyfriend) said that this should light a fire under their asses. Maybe it will. I'm not trying to be ugly. I'm giving them every single option I can to make this easier on them, without letting them live there indefinitely, which is what they want.
 
They're the ones being ugly and giving you the big FU treatment. They're adults who are putting their interests first. So feel no guilt in putting your interests first.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
 
They're the ones being ugly and giving you the big FU treatment. They're adults who are putting their interests first. So feel no guilt in putting your interests first.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am not even telling HBG about how bad it is. I don't want him to know that my kids are this way.

I'm going to offer them $1,000 each to just get out on the 60th day. They are all greedy as ****. I'm pretty sure they'll take it, but if not, I'll just start eviction proceedings. I hate to do that, but I don't have a choice.
 
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