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Self-Indulgent Pity Party, and Hugs to Those Who Have Been Beacons In My Darkness

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After nine years on this site, this is my first blog. For most this will be tl;dr, but some of you I have known for over a dozen years,and have noted that the past two years have wrought some significant changes to me, and my posts. For those who actually care, you deserve an explanation. For those looking for mud to drag me through, screw you, I care nothing for your opinions.

The past two years have been incredibly difficult for me. A quick run-down: My second husband and I married, found ourselves with 5 children traumatized by divorce, both facing financial ruin, and when it became clear that we had married each other for the wrong reasons, me to stabilize my children's lives and him to have help paying his debts and replacing a handy scapegoat, each of us had to make a decision. I chose to stay because I was strong, independent, able to handle his controlling, bullying behavior because he knew I had the financial ability (I made more money than he did) and the will to walk out any time he went too far, taking not only my own children,but his as well.

Fast forward a few decades. Children grown, gone and spread across the country, and about 12 years ago, I became very ill. It was chronic, incurable, and as I became physical weaker and frail, losing muscle mass until I was less than 90 pounds,he become more confident in his ability to cut me off from outside contact and bully me into submission with threats. Yeah, I know, pity party, poor me, yada-yada, lol. I never told my children or my stepchildren,because they had their own lives, I didn't want to worry them, and fear of going to prison kept my increasingly abusive husband from going "toofar."

In the past two years, things have changed. My husband,who is 12 years older than me, was diagnosed with "normal pressure hydrocephalus ", also known as"water on the brain". Symptoms include difficulty walking, frequent falls, incontinence, and symptoms of dementia. He has them all. Although he's been under the care of a neurologist, with frequent MRI's, cat scans, lumbar punctures and therapies, he has dismissed all the potential cures, including a surgical procedure that could eliminate his symptoms. If he doesn't have control of something, he wants nothing to do with it.

Over the past two years, he's gone from being a difficult, negative , belittling, blame mongering, control-freak bully to a full-blown hot-and-cold psychopath, one day "normal" ,then suddenly becoming irrational,erratic, volatile and violently abusive, threatening everything from killing our pets to killing me to burning the house down with me in it. Some days I wonder if he will kill me in my sleep; other days I'm so stressed and anxious that I wish he would so I'd never wake up. Suicide would destroy my children or stepchildren, whom I dearly love, but who I dare not tell what is really going on lest my problem ends up on them.

I realize that he is not completely responsible for his irrational tantrums/violent behavior,the magnification of his own bullying narcissistic personality disorder, and his inability to make a decision on his own treatment is simply the indecisive,fearful person he is magnified by 1000. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I have no close family, no support network…he has destroyed the relationships with all our friends by his explosive,irrational attacks on them… so I have tried to keep myself sane with the only friendships I have, you people (you know who you are) that I have grown to respect and trust over the past decade or more.

I'm telling those who care all this because yes, I know I'm less tolerant, more easily annoyed and angered, and not the same person I was a few years back. I probably never will be. I don't blame anyone who writes me off as a lost cause. Nevertheless, the people I have interacted with for years online have been a lifeline to me, and I want you to know it.

I love being a staff member of DP, and hope to continue my DM duties for as long as I am able, anda lthough I've made certain that CaptainCourtesy and RedAkston have my home phone number, there's no guarantee there will be anyone here to answer that call. If I disappear for a significant amount of time, it would sadden me to know that so many people that I have cared about over the years did not realize what a supportive, positive influence they have had on my life. Thank you all, bless you all, and with that,please don't make me fling a flaming head at you in the Basement, because I really don't get any enjoyment from it!

Luv to all,

Di
 

TheGoverness

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I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Hang in there, Di. :(
 

JANFU

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He needs to be removed from the house including a restraining order. You need to be safe. And yes, call your children. They will be there for you.
As to those friends that your husband burned thru, call some, I am sure many will be there for you.
I cannot imagine the stress and fear you are under and living in. But he needs to be out of your life.
 

DiAnna

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Thanks for the supportive comments. I don't want to involve authorities, because although he's certainly never been an angel, but I know that the exacerbation of this erratic, volatile behavior is caused by his medical condition. He can't help it, and a few hours later he can't even remember it.

I just felt as if I would explode, keeping this deep inside, and it was cathartic just to realize that at least somebody knows. I feel a bit less alone now. Thanks to you all.
 

MaggieD

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Well, I don’t quite understand because this is your only blog. It appears maybe you deleted the details. But that’s neither here nor there. If DiAnna is unhappy, there’s probably not one member on this board who doesn’t want that to change.

I wish you peace.
 

DiAnna

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Maggie, I didn't delete the blog itself. People responded to it long after my final edit. I just got here minutes ago and realized all that is left is the title. What I wrote must have broken some serious DP Rules or something. Now I'm embarrassed and hoping I won't be banned. I imagine someone will contact me eventually, to tell me what I did wrong, or what I'm doing wrong now. :(
 

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Oh, right. Like DiAnna would be banned. Probably a glitch in the system. From reading a couple more detailed comments, I think I get it at least a little bit. I am so sorry. When we know bad behavior is caused by what amounts to an illness, it is double-triple hard to know what to do. And when staying safe yourself is part of the equation, well, one can feel overwhelmed.

Oh, I just remembered a response you made to one of my recent posts. Now I understandthat post.

I hope you continue to blog. It really is cathartic.
 

Serenity

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I wish I could do something to help Di, but I'm too far away, all I can offer is my ear. I'm sorry, you deserve so much better. Hang in there xxx
 

Rogue Valley

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Di - you're in my thoughts. Hang in there my friend.
 

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I have no clue what's going on at all. Just hoping everything is okay for all.
 

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Wow. Now that the blog post is back... :(

So sorry. While I understand your desire to not involve your kids in this whole mess, I think it'd actually be very wise to inform them.

For everyone's safety. Is there anything that's hereditary in his conditions that his offspring should know of?

Awful situation.


Best wishes.
 

MaggieD

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What an awful dilemma. I am appalled. And I understand that a sympathetic ear is more valuable than advice from your dear friends here, but, as you know, that doesn’t often stop me.

Ask yourself one question. Are me-myself and I better off WITH him in my life or WITHOUT? I understand even that may be very difficult for you to answer. Your children will understand, I think.

Since I know you know my personal story shared blog-form, I know you’ll understand me when I share this: considering my own health situation, I thought about that and gave Tom that extra chance because I decided I was better off with him in my life. I was SO very wrong.

I will pray for you.

Much love, Maggie
 

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Di, thanks for sharing! In my time at DP and in ALL of our interactions, you have consistently displayed Wisdom, Warmth, Kindness and Humor. Feel Some Love!

Please, ASAP, if you can, create windows of time you can meditate. This might help you prioritize the major issues in your life. I hope you lean toward putting the focus on yourself.

I have four daughters from three women. I had to own up to my major role in complicating my life and theirs. I reached a point where chaos, drama and insanity became my normal. It took years to reboot much of my Personal Operating System. As an Avowed Free Spirit, I use to make up new Life Rules as I went along. Today, I have much more balance... and peace.

Thank you for serving on the DP Staff! You certainly add value to my life! I hope you insist on finding some Serenity this holiday season.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Trippy
 

Superfly

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Love you, sweet girl, and I have been where you are. I had to leave an abusive husband in the middle of the night, with a 6 week old child, a handful of diapers and nothing else. I was lucky he was passed out drunk or I wouldn't have made it out that night, as only a half hour previously, his hands were around my throat.

I only told you that so you would know that you are not alone. I bet a lot of women here have had similar issues. I grew the strength to get away. You may not want to leave, but you need to let others in your life be aware of this. It may be the only thing to save your life. Remember - he was a dick before he became ill. The illness exacerbated it, but he was always an asshole.

Tell your children. They deserve to know. Please tell them. They might be able to help in ways that you are not considering right now, simply because you don't want them to worry.

And I believe you have my email address. Use it. I will even give you my personal phone number if you need it.
 

digsbe

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Di, I am so sorry. You are too good for this type of treatment. I sincerely hope a path to happiness finds you and your circumstances can change.

You've always been a pleasure to have on the forums, friend. If I can do anything let me know.
 

PirateMk1

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I don't know your relationship with your children but if its anything close to normal, do your children a favor and apprise them of the situation and let them help if they want to. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised.

My dad is having medical and financial difficulties and doesn't tell us children about them. He doesn't want to burden us. I find out when he is in the hospital or about to be kicked out of his house. I can handle the situation by myself as necessary but I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who can help with the load if they find out with some time to plan. Him NOT telling us what is going on in a timely fashion exacerbates his situation and puts boatloads of additional stress on us. We WANT to help and we would like to solve pops problems BEFORE they get out of hand. He is finally starting to come around to our way of thinking, I think my badgering is wearing him out. Point is more than likely at least some of your children would like to help you and they would probably like you to keep them informed so they can make plans to deal with and solve problems as they arise.
 

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@Pirate. It is often SO hard to ask for help. It’s pretty much a universal shortcoming.

DiAnna, don’t let that natural shortcoming stop you. *More Hugs*
 

Elora

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Dear DiAnna, what a heavy load you've been carrying for far too long...I have no solution for you...just wanted you to know people care...I care...you will be in my thoughts and prayers daily...take care of yourself...Elvira...
 

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I hope you find someone to talk to, Di. A professional is always available, if you don't have anyone you'd care to share these things with.

There's nothing like verbally speaking to a respected and understanding person, to help us navigate through problems or emotional process.

Wishing you the best.
 

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PirateMk1;bt4308 said:
I don't know your relationship with your children but if its anything close to normal, do your children a favor and apprise them of the situation and let them help if they want to. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised.

My dad is having medical and financial difficulties and doesn't tell us children about them. He doesn't want to burden us. I find out when he is in the hospital or about to be kicked out of his house. I can handle the situation by myself as necessary but I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who can help with the load if they find out with some time to plan. Him NOT telling us what is going on in a timely fashion exacerbates his situation and puts boatloads of additional stress on us. We WANT to help and we would like to solve pops problems BEFORE they get out of hand. He is finally starting to come around to our way of thinking, I think my badgering is wearing him out. Point is more than likely at least some of your children would like to help you and they would probably like you to keep them informed so they can make plans to deal with and solve problems as they arise.
One of the very hardest things for a parent to do, is ask their children for help. It goes against the very fibre of our being. It crushes our soul.

It's kinda' like extreme pride, but something much deeper. Something greater than pride. I can't explain it, but it's omnipresent & extremely powerful.
 

grip

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I love you DiAnna. :mrgreen:
 

Grand Mal

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Stay safe.
Please.
 

tres borrachos

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You have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Di. My heart goes out to you. You're a strong lady and you will get through this. The world needs you. xxoo
 
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