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Self-Indulgent Pity Party, and Hugs to Those Who Have Been Beacons In My Darkness

After nine years on this site, this is my first blog. For most this will be tl;dr, but some of you I have known for over a dozen years,and have noted that the past two years have wrought some significant changes to me, and my posts. For those who actually care, you deserve an explanation. For those looking for mud to drag me through, screw you, I care nothing for your opinions.

The past two years have been incredibly difficult for me. A quick run-down: My second husband and I married, found ourselves with 5 children traumatized by divorce, both facing financial ruin, and when it became clear that we had married each other for the wrong reasons, me to stabilize my children's lives and him to have help paying his debts and replacing a handy scapegoat, each of us had to make a decision. I chose to stay because I was strong, independent, able to handle his controlling, bullying behavior because he knew I had the financial ability (I made more money than he did) and the will to walk out any time he went too far, taking not only my own children,but his as well.

Fast forward a few decades. Children grown, gone and spread across the country, and about 12 years ago, I became very ill. It was chronic, incurable, and as I became physical weaker and frail, losing muscle mass until I was less than 90 pounds,he become more confident in his ability to cut me off from outside contact and bully me into submission with threats. Yeah, I know, pity party, poor me, yada-yada, lol. I never told my children or my stepchildren,because they had their own lives, I didn't want to worry them, and fear of going to prison kept my increasingly abusive husband from going "toofar."

In the past two years, things have changed. My husband,who is 12 years older than me, was diagnosed with "normal pressure hydrocephalus ", also known as"water on the brain". Symptoms include difficulty walking, frequent falls, incontinence, and symptoms of dementia. He has them all. Although he's been under the care of a neurologist, with frequent MRI's, cat scans, lumbar punctures and therapies, he has dismissed all the potential cures, including a surgical procedure that could eliminate his symptoms. If he doesn't have control of something, he wants nothing to do with it.

Over the past two years, he's gone from being a difficult, negative , belittling, blame mongering, control-freak bully to a full-blown hot-and-cold psychopath, one day "normal" ,then suddenly becoming irrational,erratic, volatile and violently abusive, threatening everything from killing our pets to killing me to burning the house down with me in it. Some days I wonder if he will kill me in my sleep; other days I'm so stressed and anxious that I wish he would so I'd never wake up. Suicide would destroy my children or stepchildren, whom I dearly love, but who I dare not tell what is really going on lest my problem ends up on them.

I realize that he is not completely responsible for his irrational tantrums/violent behavior,the magnification of his own bullying narcissistic personality disorder, and his inability to make a decision on his own treatment is simply the indecisive,fearful person he is magnified by 1000. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I have no close family, no support network…he has destroyed the relationships with all our friends by his explosive,irrational attacks on them… so I have tried to keep myself sane with the only friendships I have, you people (you know who you are) that I have grown to respect and trust over the past decade or more.

I'm telling those who care all this because yes, I know I'm less tolerant, more easily annoyed and angered, and not the same person I was a few years back. I probably never will be. I don't blame anyone who writes me off as a lost cause. Nevertheless, the people I have interacted with for years online have been a lifeline to me, and I want you to know it.

I love being a staff member of DP, and hope to continue my DM duties for as long as I am able, anda lthough I've made certain that CaptainCourtesy and RedAkston have my home phone number, there's no guarantee there will be anyone here to answer that call. If I disappear for a significant amount of time, it would sadden me to know that so many people that I have cared about over the years did not realize what a supportive, positive influence they have had on my life. Thank you all, bless you all, and with that,please don't make me fling a flaming head at you in the Basement, because I really don't get any enjoyment from it!

Luv to all,

Di
 

Jesse Booth

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DiAnna, please tell your children about this so they can help you. As a son, I would be devastated if I found out about the kind of hell my mom was suffering through like this after it had gone on for months on end. I understand how hard it can be to ask others for help, but that's what family is for.
 

DiAnna

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Thanks again to everyone who has been so supportive, and apologize to those comments on page 2 for my delay in responding. *hugs*
 

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Wow! I've never been down here in Blogville before now. I came down to read Maggie's blog, and then became curious when I saw the title of this one, especially given its author.

You're a hell of a writer, DiAnna. Your ability to string together sentences which sting have made me smile on countless occasions. This blog, written from raw emotion, has had a similar effect--it stings, but yet it brought a smile to my face.

It's hard to explain. But, maybe it is the love of words, creating them, reading them, feeling what lies beneath them, which draws many of us here. Who knows? But, your blog reminds me of that.

I too sometimes feel that I am much closer to some of those I encounter in these forums than I am to the many people I interact with in R/L. After all, we share something here which goes much deeper than simple conversation ever can. We often share our true thoughts and deepest feelings.

I hope things work out for you. I hope the worst of it disappears. But, we both know that thoughts like that are just a wishful sharing of pleasantries. Your writing though can gain you strength. Let it channel through you. Take all this pain and let it flow through your fingers as you tap the keys. That's all I can really say.
 

Cardinal

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Dianna, I had no idea you were dealing with this. I've always enjoyed our conversations here over the years, and wish you all the very best.
 

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@DiAnna, I just came across your blog and wanted to comment. I haven't known you that long, more of a newbie here, but I have to say I've looked up to you since early on. You are a very strong and intelligent woman, and it has come through to me that you are very kind, loving and sincerely care about others. Very saddened to hear about what you have been dealing with, you don't deserve such a situation. I hope things have become better since you posted, but I know realistically, they likely haven't. My heart goes out to you Di, you will be in my thoughts. Sending you love and warm wishes, please pm me if you ever want to talk. Good luck my friend. ☮💙
 

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Thanks for the supportive comments. I don't want to involve authorities, because although he's certainly never been an angel, but I know that the exacerbation of this erratic, volatile behavior is caused by his medical condition. He can't help it, and a few hours later he can't even remember it.

I just felt as if I would explode, keeping this deep inside, and it was cathartic just to realize that at least somebody knows. I feel a bit less alone now. Thanks to you all.
Nobody deserves to live in such an unpleasant and potentially threatening environment. You should certainly take all the necessary steps to get into a safe and comfortable living situation. His behavior is inexcusable. His illness may magnify it but certainly isn't the cause, and he seems more than willing to continue. Tell your children, and step children, seek legal help and live out your life in a safe space where you can enjoy your life, your children and you friends. There are people out there who want to help you achieve all this if you just reach out.
God Bless and good luck.
 

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I'm telling those who care all this because yes, I know I'm less tolerant, more easily annoyed and angered, and not the same person I was a few years back. I probably never will be. I don't blame anyone who writes me off as a lost cause. Nevertheless, the people I have interacted with for years online have been a lifeline to me, and I want you to know it.

I love being a staff member of DP, and hope to continue my DM duties for as long as I am able, anda lthough I've made certain that CaptainCourtesy and RedAkston have my home phone number, there's no guarantee there will be anyone here to answer that call. If I disappear for a significant amount of time, it would sadden me to know that so many people that I have cared about over the years did not realize what a supportive, positive influence they have had on my life. Thank you all, bless you all, and with that,please don't make me fling a flaming head at you in the Basement, because I really don't get any enjoyment from it!

Luv to all,

Di

JFC Di, you HAVE to tell your children.
Yes, they do have their own lives but you're at the point where it's okay to ask them for help, or at least, support. And your husband is about to reach the point where he no longer has the ability to conduct his own affairs.
You don't just need help, you need a family law attorney.
The day is coming where he can't handle his affairs and you can't be a casualty of that.

By the way, a very dear friend of ours, let's call her "Johanna", is also dealing with a bullying husband who is reaching end of life, so we totally understand where you're at because that's where Johanna is at, with one difference, she IS reaching out to her kids.

Please don't allow yourself to be scattered to the four winds all because you don't want to be a burden.
Be the burden for a little bit, so that you can breathe later.
We love you and we hope you will make the right decision.
 

DiAnna

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@Old 'N Chill @Checkerboard Strangler @Integrityrespec

Imagine my surprise to see activity at this 3yr old thread. It was cathartic for me to get all that out at the time, and the warm wishes of my DP friends eased my stress then, as it does again now. Obviously things have gotten much worse over the years and although the fits of rage and death threats continue to escalate, my husband's NPH symptoms have rendered him as a near invalid. He is incontinent, cannot stand by himself, and struggles to get from the recliner chair in which he "lives" to his electric scooter, which gives him a modicum of mobility. Therefore, his physical ability to actually follow through on his threats is limited. EMTs have our address GPS speed dialed, and law enforcement has been called on occasion to calm him down, but his memory/cognitive issues continue to deteriorate, so he cannot remember things that happened days, or even hours, earlier.

Recently I did contact my daughter and step-daughter (whom I also raised and love dearly) to inform them of his condition, primarily because they've both wanted to visit over the years and I didn't want them to see their father in this condition; if he was rational, he wouldn't want it either. They have a bare-bones idea of what is going on, but I've assured them that I have things under control (I don't) and that anything drastically changes, I will let them know (I will). My husband is my responsibility, not theirs, and I still don't want any of our children to disrupt their own lives and families.

I do appreciate all of your good wishes, but I honestly thought this whole thread was gone as of the XF move... so it was a bit of a shock, lol. *hugs* to you all for your kindness.
 

Checkerboard Strangler

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I didn't realize it was so old until after I posted, but now I am worried.
This ain't the time for bare bones, but it's your choice and I must respect that.
I just keep thinking of our friend Johanna, and how similar it sounds.
 

DiAnna

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I didn't realize it was so old until after I posted, but now I am worried.
This ain't the time for bare bones, but it's your choice and I must respect that.
I just keep thinking of our friend Johanna, and how similar it sounds.

I understand and agree; however, my five children-stepchildren live thousands of miles from us. They, and their grandchildren, do not need to know what is happening halfway across the country from them. Bad things happen, and choices must be made. I have made mine. and have chosen that they not be involved in the disillusion of their father/grandfather's mental acuity problems. I will deal with whatever is necessary -- until I can't. I don't want my children to deal with the suicide of their mother; so I will soldier on, as long as I am able. Thank you for your kindness.
 

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I understand and agree; however, my five children-stepchildren live thousands of miles from us. They, and their grandchildren, do not need to know what is happening halfway across the country from them. Bad things happen, and choices must be made. I have made mine. and have chosen that they not be involved in the disillusion of their father/grandfather's mental acuity problems. I will deal with whatever is necessary -- until I can't. I don't want my children to deal with the suicide of their mother; so I will soldier on, as long as I am able. Thank you for your kindness.
Actually, you also made a decision for them except they don't know it yet.
 

Old 'N Chill

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Imagine my surprise to see activity at this 3yr old thread. It was cathartic for me to get all that out at the time, and the warm wishes of my DP friends eased my stress then, as it does again now.
I'm glad you are okay with my resurrecting your blog. 🌷 I don't think the blogs were accessible right after the software change, but I noticed there's a link at the bottom of the page now to click on to see all of them. You're a smart lady, and I think you're handling everything with your family in the best way possible. When my elderly inlaws became sickly and one of them had a major stroke which left him half paralyzed and bedridden, we moved them into our home and we lived in the basement. We had a wheelchair for each of them and a potty for him, but he couldn't get on anything without us lifting him out of bed. It is very stressful being a caregiver 24/7, luckily we worked different shifts and made it work for them. Hang in there.....hugs.
 

Checkerboard Strangler

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I'm glad you are okay with my resurrecting your blog. 🌷 I don't think the blogs were accessible right after the software change, but I noticed there's a link at the bottom of the page now to click on to see all of them. You're a smart lady, and I think you're handling everything with your family in the best way possible. When my elderly inlaws became sickly and one of them had a major stroke which left him half paralyzed and bedridden, we moved them into our home and we lived in the basement. We had a wheelchair for each of them and a potty for him, but he couldn't get on anything without us lifting him out of bed. It is very stressful being a caregiver 24/7, luckily we worked different shifts and made it work for them. Hang in there.....hugs.

NOTE: If you're Medicare eligible, a ceiling mounted patient lift is covered as durable medical equipment.
The VA arranged for Karen to get hers but the VA only checked the boxes and initiated the paperwork, but it was paid for by Karen's Medicare.

ceiling lift.jpg

They also cover any modifications you need to make for bathrooms, ramps, rails, etc.
 

American

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I guess I need to pay more attention to the blog area. It's at the bottom and I don't usually scroll down that far.
 

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Sometimes we need a reminder we're talking to real people here, each with their own lives that we rarely get a glimpse of. This blog is that reminder and I'm glad you wrote it DiAnna.
 

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Wow @DiAnna . . . so sorry . . .never paid attention to the blogs and this was in recent or new activity or something.
Im so late to this, and things have probably changed by my DMs are always open.

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