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Self-Indulgent Pity Party, and Hugs to Those Who Have Been Beacons In My Darkness

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After nine years on this site, this is my first blog. For most this will be tl;dr, but some of you I have known for over a dozen years,and have noted that the past two years have wrought some significant changes to me, and my posts. For those who actually care, you deserve an explanation. For those looking for mud to drag me through, screw you, I care nothing for your opinions.

The past two years have been incredibly difficult for me. A quick run-down: My second husband and I married, found ourselves with 5 children traumatized by divorce, both facing financial ruin, and when it became clear that we had married each other for the wrong reasons, me to stabilize my children's lives and him to have help paying his debts and replacing a handy scapegoat, each of us had to make a decision. I chose to stay because I was strong, independent, able to handle his controlling, bullying behavior because he knew I had the financial ability (I made more money than he did) and the will to walk out any time he went too far, taking not only my own children,but his as well.

Fast forward a few decades. Children grown, gone and spread across the country, and about 12 years ago, I became very ill. It was chronic, incurable, and as I became physical weaker and frail, losing muscle mass until I was less than 90 pounds,he become more confident in his ability to cut me off from outside contact and bully me into submission with threats. Yeah, I know, pity party, poor me, yada-yada, lol. I never told my children or my stepchildren,because they had their own lives, I didn't want to worry them, and fear of going to prison kept my increasingly abusive husband from going "toofar."

In the past two years, things have changed. My husband,who is 12 years older than me, was diagnosed with "normal pressure hydrocephalus ", also known as"water on the brain". Symptoms include difficulty walking, frequent falls, incontinence, and symptoms of dementia. He has them all. Although he's been under the care of a neurologist, with frequent MRI's, cat scans, lumbar punctures and therapies, he has dismissed all the potential cures, including a surgical procedure that could eliminate his symptoms. If he doesn't have control of something, he wants nothing to do with it.

Over the past two years, he's gone from being a difficult, negative , belittling, blame mongering, control-freak bully to a full-blown hot-and-cold psychopath, one day "normal" ,then suddenly becoming irrational,erratic, volatile and violently abusive, threatening everything from killing our pets to killing me to burning the house down with me in it. Some days I wonder if he will kill me in my sleep; other days I'm so stressed and anxious that I wish he would so I'd never wake up. Suicide would destroy my children or stepchildren, whom I dearly love, but who I dare not tell what is really going on lest my problem ends up on them.

I realize that he is not completely responsible for his irrational tantrums/violent behavior,the magnification of his own bullying narcissistic personality disorder, and his inability to make a decision on his own treatment is simply the indecisive,fearful person he is magnified by 1000. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I have no close family, no support network…he has destroyed the relationships with all our friends by his explosive,irrational attacks on them… so I have tried to keep myself sane with the only friendships I have, you people (you know who you are) that I have grown to respect and trust over the past decade or more.

I'm telling those who care all this because yes, I know I'm less tolerant, more easily annoyed and angered, and not the same person I was a few years back. I probably never will be. I don't blame anyone who writes me off as a lost cause. Nevertheless, the people I have interacted with for years online have been a lifeline to me, and I want you to know it.

I love being a staff member of DP, and hope to continue my DM duties for as long as I am able, anda lthough I've made certain that CaptainCourtesy and RedAkston have my home phone number, there's no guarantee there will be anyone here to answer that call. If I disappear for a significant amount of time, it would sadden me to know that so many people that I have cared about over the years did not realize what a supportive, positive influence they have had on my life. Thank you all, bless you all, and with that,please don't make me fling a flaming head at you in the Basement, because I really don't get any enjoyment from it!

Luv to all,

Di
 

Brochacholomigo

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DiAnna, please tell your children about this so they can help you. As a son, I would be devastated if I found out about the kind of hell my mom was suffering through like this after it had gone on for months on end. I understand how hard it can be to ask others for help, but that's what family is for.
 

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Thanks again to everyone who has been so supportive, and apologize to those comments on page 2 for my delay in responding. *hugs*
 

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Wow! I've never been down here in Blogville before now. I came down to read Maggie's blog, and then became curious when I saw the title of this one, especially given its author.

You're a hell of a writer, DiAnna. Your ability to string together sentences which sting have made me smile on countless occasions. This blog, written from raw emotion, has had a similar effect--it stings, but yet it brought a smile to my face.

It's hard to explain. But, maybe it is the love of words, creating them, reading them, feeling what lies beneath them, which draws many of us here. Who knows? But, your blog reminds me of that.

I too sometimes feel that I am much closer to some of those I encounter in these forums than I am to the many people I interact with in R/L. After all, we share something here which goes much deeper than simple conversation ever can. We often share our true thoughts and deepest feelings.

I hope things work out for you. I hope the worst of it disappears. But, we both know that thoughts like that are just a wishful sharing of pleasantries. Your writing though can gain you strength. Let it channel through you. Take all this pain and let it flow through your fingers as you tap the keys. That's all I can really say.
 

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Dianna, I had no idea you were dealing with this. I've always enjoyed our conversations here over the years, and wish you all the very best.
 

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@DiAnna, I just came across your blog and wanted to comment. I haven't known you that long, more of a newbie here, but I have to say I've looked up to you since early on. You are a very strong and intelligent woman, and it has come through to me that you are very kind, loving and sincerely care about others. Very saddened to hear about what you have been dealing with, you don't deserve such a situation. I hope things have become better since you posted, but I know realistically, they likely haven't. My heart goes out to you Di, you will be in my thoughts. Sending you love and warm wishes, please pm me if you ever want to talk. Good luck my friend. ☮💙
 

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Thanks for the supportive comments. I don't want to involve authorities, because although he's certainly never been an angel, but I know that the exacerbation of this erratic, volatile behavior is caused by his medical condition. He can't help it, and a few hours later he can't even remember it.

I just felt as if I would explode, keeping this deep inside, and it was cathartic just to realize that at least somebody knows. I feel a bit less alone now. Thanks to you all.
Nobody deserves to live in such an unpleasant and potentially threatening environment. You should certainly take all the necessary steps to get into a safe and comfortable living situation. His behavior is inexcusable. His illness may magnify it but certainly isn't the cause, and he seems more than willing to continue. Tell your children, and step children, seek legal help and live out your life in a safe space where you can enjoy your life, your children and you friends. There are people out there who want to help you achieve all this if you just reach out.
God Bless and good luck.
 

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I'm telling those who care all this because yes, I know I'm less tolerant, more easily annoyed and angered, and not the same person I was a few years back. I probably never will be. I don't blame anyone who writes me off as a lost cause. Nevertheless, the people I have interacted with for years online have been a lifeline to me, and I want you to know it.

I love being a staff member of DP, and hope to continue my DM duties for as long as I am able, anda lthough I've made certain that CaptainCourtesy and RedAkston have my home phone number, there's no guarantee there will be anyone here to answer that call. If I disappear for a significant amount of time, it would sadden me to know that so many people that I have cared about over the years did not realize what a supportive, positive influence they have had on my life. Thank you all, bless you all, and with that,please don't make me fling a flaming head at you in the Basement, because I really don't get any enjoyment from it!

Luv to all,

Di

JFC Di, you HAVE to tell your children.
Yes, they do have their own lives but you're at the point where it's okay to ask them for help, or at least, support. And your husband is about to reach the point where he no longer has the ability to conduct his own affairs.
You don't just need help, you need a family law attorney.
The day is coming where he can't handle his affairs and you can't be a casualty of that.

By the way, a very dear friend of ours, let's call her "Johanna", is also dealing with a bullying husband who is reaching end of life, so we totally understand where you're at because that's where Johanna is at, with one difference, she IS reaching out to her kids.

Please don't allow yourself to be scattered to the four winds all because you don't want to be a burden.
Be the burden for a little bit, so that you can breathe later.
We love you and we hope you will make the right decision.
 

DiAnna

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@Old 'N Chill @Checkerboard Strangler @Integrityrespec

Imagine my surprise to see activity at this 3yr old thread. It was cathartic for me to get all that out at the time, and the warm wishes of my DP friends eased my stress then, as it does again now. Obviously things have gotten much worse over the years and although the fits of rage and death threats continue to escalate, my husband's NPH symptoms have rendered him as a near invalid. He is incontinent, cannot stand by himself, and struggles to get from the recliner chair in which he "lives" to his electric scooter, which gives him a modicum of mobility. Therefore, his physical ability to actually follow through on his threats is limited. EMTs have our address GPS speed dialed, and law enforcement has been called on occasion to calm him down, but his memory/cognitive issues continue to deteriorate, so he cannot remember things that happened days, or even hours, earlier.

Recently I did contact my daughter and step-daughter (whom I also raised and love dearly) to inform them of his condition, primarily because they've both wanted to visit over the years and I didn't want them to see their father in this condition; if he was rational, he wouldn't want it either. They have a bare-bones idea of what is going on, but I've assured them that I have things under control (I don't) and that anything drastically changes, I will let them know (I will). My husband is my responsibility, not theirs, and I still don't want any of our children to disrupt their own lives and families.

I do appreciate all of your good wishes, but I honestly thought this whole thread was gone as of the XF move... so it was a bit of a shock, lol. *hugs* to you all for your kindness.
 

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I didn't realize it was so old until after I posted, but now I am worried.
This ain't the time for bare bones, but it's your choice and I must respect that.
I just keep thinking of our friend Johanna, and how similar it sounds.
 

DiAnna

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I didn't realize it was so old until after I posted, but now I am worried.
This ain't the time for bare bones, but it's your choice and I must respect that.
I just keep thinking of our friend Johanna, and how similar it sounds.

I understand and agree; however, my five children-stepchildren live thousands of miles from us. They, and their grandchildren, do not need to know what is happening halfway across the country from them. Bad things happen, and choices must be made. I have made mine. and have chosen that they not be involved in the disillusion of their father/grandfather's mental acuity problems. I will deal with whatever is necessary -- until I can't. I don't want my children to deal with the suicide of their mother; so I will soldier on, as long as I am able. Thank you for your kindness.
 

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I understand and agree; however, my five children-stepchildren live thousands of miles from us. They, and their grandchildren, do not need to know what is happening halfway across the country from them. Bad things happen, and choices must be made. I have made mine. and have chosen that they not be involved in the disillusion of their father/grandfather's mental acuity problems. I will deal with whatever is necessary -- until I can't. I don't want my children to deal with the suicide of their mother; so I will soldier on, as long as I am able. Thank you for your kindness.
Actually, you also made a decision for them except they don't know it yet.
 

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Imagine my surprise to see activity at this 3yr old thread. It was cathartic for me to get all that out at the time, and the warm wishes of my DP friends eased my stress then, as it does again now.
I'm glad you are okay with my resurrecting your blog. 🌷 I don't think the blogs were accessible right after the software change, but I noticed there's a link at the bottom of the page now to click on to see all of them. You're a smart lady, and I think you're handling everything with your family in the best way possible. When my elderly inlaws became sickly and one of them had a major stroke which left him half paralyzed and bedridden, we moved them into our home and we lived in the basement. We had a wheelchair for each of them and a potty for him, but he couldn't get on anything without us lifting him out of bed. It is very stressful being a caregiver 24/7, luckily we worked different shifts and made it work for them. Hang in there.....hugs.
 

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I'm glad you are okay with my resurrecting your blog. 🌷 I don't think the blogs were accessible right after the software change, but I noticed there's a link at the bottom of the page now to click on to see all of them. You're a smart lady, and I think you're handling everything with your family in the best way possible. When my elderly inlaws became sickly and one of them had a major stroke which left him half paralyzed and bedridden, we moved them into our home and we lived in the basement. We had a wheelchair for each of them and a potty for him, but he couldn't get on anything without us lifting him out of bed. It is very stressful being a caregiver 24/7, luckily we worked different shifts and made it work for them. Hang in there.....hugs.

NOTE: If you're Medicare eligible, a ceiling mounted patient lift is covered as durable medical equipment.
The VA arranged for Karen to get hers but the VA only checked the boxes and initiated the paperwork, but it was paid for by Karen's Medicare.

ceiling lift.jpg

They also cover any modifications you need to make for bathrooms, ramps, rails, etc.
 

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I guess I need to pay more attention to the blog area. It's at the bottom and I don't usually scroll down that far.
 

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Sometimes we need a reminder we're talking to real people here, each with their own lives that we rarely get a glimpse of. This blog is that reminder and I'm glad you wrote it DiAnna.
 

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Wow @DiAnna . . . so sorry . . .never paid attention to the blogs and this was in recent or new activity or something.
Im so late to this, and things have probably changed by my DMs are always open.

source.gif
 

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I just read this for the first time. I'm so sorry for all you're going through @DiAnna ! I wish there was something I could do to help, but like everyone else, all I can offer is an ear if you ever want to talk. I'm so very glad he is no longer a physical, at least, threat to you.
 

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My commenting may be fully unwelcomed but I need to say this. Nothing changes the past or the consequences of it. That's not what this is about nor is this a sympathy card. Empathy is not my strong suit. However, I have some absolute values and in my tall tales past I saw duty to others as you reveal of yourself in this blog. So much I wish I had read your blog in 2017 as it is the real you, not the forum-adversary you to me.

DiAnna, in my RL values you are an extraordinarily good and decent person to degrees that most people - specifically parents and spouses - do even not approach and of traits and actions I admire more than any others. There is no greater duty a person has than towards children and an absolute duty to their own minor aged children. It is within my absolute values system that a parent should do and sacrifice anything for their children - their comfort, time, ambitions, desires, life and very soul if necessary. For you to make your decisions and to so endure day after month after year for your children - while caring for such a foul spouse - causes my having the highest possible real life admiration and respect of you - and you should have such admiration, pride and respect of yourself for this.

In real life you're an unsung hero, a true ethical superstar and example for all of the highest ethics and priorities a parent can have - with marital loyalty almost unheard of - so often to not be recognized and that too many people trivialize. I regret much of my comments and behavior towards you now having a window into the real you in your real life. I wish I had tried to be be a beacon of light rather than antagonist and deeply regret having done so. I wish I had known. Hopefully you can come to see your life as victory after victory for endurance and personal ethics, rather than defeats. Among your greatest trophies are your children.

While remaining anonymous for safety's sake, I wish more people on the forum would reveal more of their real self - their humanity - on the forum so it is more real people of real lives sharing their thoughts. I won't bother you, but needed to say this.
 

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@joko104 I honestly don't know what to say, beyond thank you for the kind words and I wish you well.
 

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Didn't realize it's been that many years (2017) since I read your blog piece and responded. MaggieD was still with us then.

You're one of my favorites Di, and I still dearly hope that life smiles upon you!
 

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After nine years on this site, this is my first blog. For most this will be tl;dr, but some of you I have known for over a dozen years,and have noted that the past two years have wrought some significant changes to me, and my posts. For those who actually care, you deserve an explanation. For those looking for mud to drag me through, screw you, I care nothing for your opinions.

The past two years have been incredibly difficult for me. A quick run-down: My second husband and I married, found ourselves with 5 children traumatized by divorce, both facing financial ruin, and when it became clear that we had married each other for the wrong reasons, me to stabilize my children's lives and him to have help paying his debts and replacing a handy scapegoat, each of us had to make a decision. I chose to stay because I was strong, independent, able to handle his controlling, bullying behavior because he knew I had the financial ability (I made more money than he did) and the will to walk out any time he went too far, taking not only my own children,but his as well.

Fast forward a few decades. Children grown, gone and spread across the country, and about 12 years ago, I became very ill. It was chronic, incurable, and as I became physical weaker and frail, losing muscle mass until I was less than 90 pounds,he become more confident in his ability to cut me off from outside contact and bully me into submission with threats. Yeah, I know, pity party, poor me, yada-yada, lol. I never told my children or my stepchildren,because they had their own lives, I didn't want to worry them, and fear of going to prison kept my increasingly abusive husband from going "toofar."

In the past two years, things have changed. My husband,who is 12 years older than me, was diagnosed with "normal pressure hydrocephalus ", also known as"water on the brain". Symptoms include difficulty walking, frequent falls, incontinence, and symptoms of dementia. He has them all. Although he's been under the care of a neurologist, with frequent MRI's, cat scans, lumbar punctures and therapies, he has dismissed all the potential cures, including a surgical procedure that could eliminate his symptoms. If he doesn't have control of something, he wants nothing to do with it.

Over the past two years, he's gone from being a difficult, negative , belittling, blame mongering, control-freak bully to a full-blown hot-and-cold psychopath, one day "normal" ,then suddenly becoming irrational,erratic, volatile and violently abusive, threatening everything from killing our pets to killing me to burning the house down with me in it. Some days I wonder if he will kill me in my sleep; other days I'm so stressed and anxious that I wish he would so I'd never wake up. Suicide would destroy my children or stepchildren, whom I dearly love, but who I dare not tell what is really going on lest my problem ends up on them.

Luv to all,

Di
Hi Di,

I have some experience as a volunteer support worker for domestic violence. First of all, it is a lot easier to get out if these situations with a support network. It sounds like you have a possible support system, but you are hesitating to utilize it fully. I am talking about your children. Don’t be ashamed of the things you are experiencing. The shame and embarrassment of his behavior belongs to him. Do not feel obligated to hide his abusive behavior for any reason. You deserve to be happy and free.

I don’t know where the situation is currently or how you are living day to day, but there are resources to help you get out of and feel safe. You’re showing signs of being mentally worn down. You are a very intelligent woman and I am sad to know you have been dealing with this, because you deserve so much better. The world knows you deserve better. We would all help if you asked for support. Utilize the system you have and the people who cherish you, because so many of us would be willing to help, possibly more than you know. I support you. If I can be of help, DM me. I’m glad you’re talking to Captain courtesy because he probably has really good resources.
 

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@Old 'N Chill @Checkerboard Strangler @Integrityrespec

Imagine my surprise to see activity at this 3yr old thread. It was cathartic for me to get all that out at the time, and the warm wishes of my DP friends eased my stress then, as it does again now. Obviously things have gotten much worse over the years and although the fits of rage and death threats continue to escalate, my husband's NPH symptoms have rendered him as a near invalid. He is incontinent, cannot stand by himself, and struggles to get from the recliner chair in which he "lives" to his electric scooter, which gives him a modicum of mobility. Therefore, his physical ability to actually follow through on his threats is limited. EMTs have our address GPS speed dialed, and law enforcement has been called on occasion to calm him down, but his memory/cognitive issues continue to deteriorate, so he cannot remember things that happened days, or even hours, earlier.

Recently I did contact my daughter and step-daughter (whom I also raised and love dearly) to inform them of his condition, primarily because they've both wanted to visit over the years and I didn't want them to see their father in this condition; if he was rational, he wouldn't want it either. They have a bare-bones idea of what is going on, but I've assured them that I have things under control (I don't) and that anything drastically changes, I will let them know (I will). My husband is my responsibility, not theirs, and I still don't want any of our children to disrupt their own lives and families.

I do appreciate all of your good wishes, but I honestly thought this whole thread was gone as of the XF move... so it was a bit of a shock, lol. *hugs* to you all for your kindness.
I suddenly realized how old the blog was. I am happy to hear that you feel more comfortable opening up about these things. That’s a big step. My husband and I have seen abusive personalities in our own family. I am starting to realize that as abusive men age, their physical strength declines but emotional and mental abuse doesn’t stop. It seems worse, maybe because they feel they are losing control of their health and feel extreme dependence in another person. Who knows. I still fully support you. You deserve to be happy. I hope things change for the better soon.
 

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I understand and agree; however, my five children-stepchildren live thousands of miles from us. They, and their grandchildren, do not need to know what is happening halfway across the country from them. Bad things happen, and choices must be made. I have made mine. and have chosen that they not be involved in the disillusion of their father/grandfather's mental acuity problems. I will deal with whatever is necessary -- until I can't. I don't want my children to deal with the suicide of their mother; so I will soldier on, as long as I am able. Thank you for your kindness.
I was very suicidal before. It’s horrible. I hate to hear you bring it up in anyway. Is it possible to dump him off at a nursing home?

The kids keep that not like it, but if they knew everything, they would understand.
 

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I was very suicidal before. It’s horrible. I hate to hear you bring it up in anyway. Is it possible to dump him off at a nursing home?

The kids keep that not like it, but if they knew everything, they would understand.
A nursing home is being discussed with social services, because he can no longer even stand on his own; he weighs 235 lbs, I weigh 80. However, I don't think the average nursing home would keep him for more than a day or two. The first time he flies into a rage and threatens to shoot anyone who won't do what he wants them to do, out he will go, so it's not like putting sweet auntie with memory and cognitive problems in assisted living.

The county's social services, sheriff dept., and EMTs are quite familiar with us. I can usually keep him calm on a day-by-day basis, and when he does explode, he's physically limited in what he can actually do. Also, he'll forget with days or even hours what happened in the first place. He's my responsibility, but I have reached out to my county's services so they are (or will be) aware of the situation if and when I lose control of it. Meanwhile, I am moving a day at a time. The past week has gone pretty well; fingers crossed, lol.

This decline has been years in the making, and I believe is directly caused by his diagnosed Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus, which is certainly not his fault beyond his refusal to have surgery which involves having a literal spigot attached from his forehead to his brain. Can't say I blame him for that, since such an option would scare the liver out of most people.

I do appreciate everyone's support and kind words. I was at a low point 4 years ago, realizing it was only going to get worse; and it has. But I've also come to terms with reality, and am coping with it... some days better than others. I do count on DP because someone on this forum will make me laugh every damned day, whether I want to or not! That's why I love it here. Thank you for caring. *hugs*
 

bongsaway

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Thanks for the supportive comments. I don't want to involve authorities, because although he's certainly never been an angel, but I know that the exacerbation of this erratic, volatile behavior is caused by his medical condition. He can't help it, and a few hours later he can't even remember it.

I just felt as if I would explode, keeping this deep inside, and it was cathartic just to realize that at least somebody knows. I feel a bit less alone now. Thanks to you all.
Tell your kids. Trust your kids they love you.
 
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