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Joke page Political or just funny put them here.

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
 
Both the Quran and the Bible say to love one another.

The Kama Sutra is a bit more specific.
 
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A man wakes up in the morning with a terrible hangover, opens his eyes, head
hurts, looks around: he is at home ... good. Gets out of bed,
feels himself - what the hell?! He in his pajamas ... in his life he didn’t wear pajamas...
Looks on the dressing table - a glass of water, an aspirin tablet and a note from his wife:
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, everything is tidied up, your wife forever." Man in
a complete misunderstanding, drinks a pill and goes to the bathroom ... along the way
discovers that the apartment is not that just clean, it licked to a shine,
son is sitting in his room, doing homework ...
- Son, what happened yesterday?
- You came drunk, as usual in the morning. Pissed off the whole hallway, ****
past the toilet, beat all the dishes in the kitchen, gave mother the black eye.
- Well, what happened to mom, with the apartment ???
- Ahh, you're talking about that! Just when mother began to put you to bed and
started pulling off your pants, you yelled "**** off you bitch -
I AM MARRIED MAN!!! "
*
Jones was assigned to the Army Training Center, where he was to
educate recruits about various government obligations
, especially about Military Life Insurance (MLI). Soon
after that, the center lieutenant noticed that Jones has almost 100%
MLI insurance sales, which has never happened before. The lieutenant sat down
at the end of a room filled with recruits and began to listen to Jones.
Jones explained to the new recruits the basics of MLI, and then said:
"If you have a MLI and you went into battle and died, - the government is obliged
pay your heirs $ 200,000. If you don’t have an MLI and you went into battle
and died - the government is obliged to pay your heirs maximum
just $ 6,000. "
" And now, "he concluded," who do you think
will they send to battle first? "
 
A crisis. A hungry composer is sitting at home, no work, no money. And then a familiar director calls him and says: listen, I'm making a film here, I need music for the final credits, can you write? I won’t pay money, but maybe they will be interested in you and your career will go up.
- Yes, no question, I’ll write. What topic?
- Well, in short, there in the final a leaf will fall from a tree, we will shoot it in close-up, and music is needed for this.
Well, the composer did not sleep for a week, composed and delivered. And this director invites him to the premiere of the film. The composer enters the hall, and there is emptiness, only a very elderly couple sits there. Well, he thinks, you never know, he probably decided to show the film to his closest ones, such an honor.
The light turns off, the film begins. Against the background of beautiful nature, there is a tree, a beautiful chick rested against it, and behind her some jock ****ing her in the ass . Then another couple joins them, they change. Then new characters, blacks, dwarfs, psychos appear and a massive **** happens. Then a little spaniel comes running and has them all, and then they all have a spaniel in the ass. And then the camera takes a close-up of a leaf on a tree, it comes off, falls, incredibly beautiful lyrical music sounds and the credits go.
The light turns on, the ****ed-up composer automatically walks to the exit and, by chance, his gaze rests on an elderly couple. Those sit with their mouths open in complete shock. And the composer did not come up with anything better than squeezed out of himself:
- The music is mine.
The old man turned his head, and muttered through his parched lips:
- And dog is ours ...
 
Mohammed squats in Berlin and spits on the ground through a hole in his teeth. Suddenly a fairy appears and says:
- I am a social liberal fairy! I flew to fulfill three wishes!
- Look, what a hole in my mouth! I want to have all my teeth back!
Before Muhammad could utter these words, the law on free treatment and prosthetics for social foreigners immediately came out, and his mouth shone with a snow-white Hollywood smile.
- I really miss my four wives and fifteen children, as well as my parents, brothers and sisters, parents and siblings of my wives! I want us all to live in a luxury villa, and always have a lot of money!
Mohammed did not have time to finish, as he ended up in a beautiful villa! On the table is the text of the law on family reunification for social foreigners, as well as bank printouts with information about the benefits received. The house is fully furnished and equipped with electrical appliances in accordance with
the law on assistance in acquiring furniture and household appliances for social foreigners.
Happy Muhammad simply does not know what else to ask, because one desire still remains. And he asked:
- I want to become a real German. Not only by citizenship. I want to be a blue-eyed blond, and that my name was Fritz Schulz!
Before he could finish the sentence, when everything had disappeared, he found himself squatting again and spitting on the ground through a hole in his teeth.
- What happened? He asked the fairy.
- It’s a shame, Mr. Schulz, to beg the state! You must take care of yourself! Go and look for work!
 
An old couple came into a bar and after a couple of drinks got talkative. They explained to the barkeep that they had come into this place 60 yrs ago and had sex while she leaned on the fence out back. They had returned to reprise the act. They then went out the back door and proceeded to have the widest sex for over 30 min! They came back in and were totally exhausted. " My God" the barkeep exclaimed, was it as good then as it was now? Not nearly - they replied - the fence wasn't electrified then.
 
This reminds me of , well, some people.


Area Man Dies Having Spent 93% Of The Miracle Of Existence Bitching About Immigrants

Area Man Dies Having Spent 93% Of The Miracle Of Existence Bitching About Immigrants – The Out And Abouter

Don Mitchum, 82, of Burlington, Ontario, died fitfully today in his childhood home, after a long and unfulfilling life spent worrying that people with names he refused to try and pronounce might come and live in some proximity to him.

Best known amongst his contemporaries as not really having all that much nice to say, and mostly just being the kind of guy you steered clear of once you got to know him, Don was well remembered. If not fondly.

“We didn’t called him ‘Bitchin’ Mitchum’ for nothing,” says lifelong acquaintance, Timothy Hawfield, who pointedly asked to not be referred to as Don’s friend. “He was always complaining about one group of people or another. In the 50’s, when we were teenagers together, it was the Italians and Portuguese he didn’t like. In the 60’s he spent thousands of hours railing against the Chinese and Czechs, mostly to his new wife. His kids heard all about the dangers of the Pakistanis and Vietnamese in the 70’s and 80’s. And by the 90’s he was spending a good 12 hours a day warning strangers about other strangers. New millennium? Not a new Mitchum. The man carped till he had one foot in the grave. And for what? So far as I can see, all those people Don hated came and lived generally happy lives, and it was he alone who was miserable.”

Not-friend Tim isn’t the only one who remembers the departed as a serial hater.

“Yeah, that was dad,” says Mr. Mitchum’s second daughter, Debbie, her eyes as dry as the mid-winter air. “Birthdays, graduations, funerals, weddings, there he’d be, holding forth on the great threats to this nation of immigrants, posed by – you guessed it – immigrants. For God’s sake, he used his last breath to tell me that he was pretty sure the new neighbours belong to ISIS. I’ve met them. Their last name is Kozlowski.”
 
Wife comes home, finds husband drinking whiskey.

"I thought you were giving up drinking for a month?"
"No, I'm giving up, drinking for a month."
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
 
There were 2 hillbillies discussing vacation plans.

The 1st hillbilly said, "ya know, this year I'm a-gonna do something different on vacation. 3 years ago, done-went to Florida and mah wife got pregnant. Then 2 years ago, done-went to New Orleans and mah wife got pregnant again. Then last year, done-went to Las Vegas and I'll be dad-burned if mah wife didn't get pregnant again!"

The 2nd hillbilly asked in confusion, "well whatcha gonna do different this time?"

The 1st hillbilly replied, "This time I'm a-gonna take her with me!"
 
Then there was the redneck woman who had nine children, all named Billy Joe. She said it was really handy to have them all named the same, as all she had to do was call, "Billy Joe, lunch! Billy Joe, bedtime," etc.

"But, what if you want to call just one of them?" I asked.

Oh, well then I have to use their last names.
 
A woman was on her way to church one Sunday when she slipped on the steps and fell down.
Her legs went out from under her, and her dress flew up over her head. The woman was extremely embarrassed and quickly tried to get up.

As she was trying to get herself back together, she looked up and saw the priest coming out of the church.

“Pardon me father, "the woman said, "but is mass out?" The priest replied, "Nah, but your hat is on kinda crooked.”
 
Men with a good sense of humor are very dangerous. They make you laugh and laugh and laugh, and then Bang! and you're naked in the bed with him

Women with a sense of humor are even more dangerous. You laugh, laugh, bang! and you're married, mortgage and three kids...
*
Women are impossible to please.
Here, last Valentine's day. Did not go to sleep, at six in the morning congratulated her and presented a huge bouquet of roses, gold diamond ring, a big cake with candles.
Yes, on Facebook. Yes, from fishing trip.
But is this a cause for hysteria?!
 
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Acting on advice from a friend, AOC bought a chain saw to trim trees in her yard. She took it back the next day saying it was cumbersome and too slow.

SALESMAN: “Here, let me see it,” as he pulled the cord and started the engine.

AOC: “Like, what’s that noise?”
 
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.
Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will" Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!”
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
Then Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress to attempt socialism again…
 
I went to see an adult movie. "How dull," I thought. "A movie about going to work, paying bills, taking care of children, cleaning the house, cooking dinner...."

Boy, was I surprised!
 
United Airlines: "Now you can identify yourself as anyone you want to fly. We have introduced new gender options in addition to the two genders."
A man tweeted: "I identify myself as a carry-on luggage. So now you have to let me fly anywhere for $30."
 
My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I **** myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".
 
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat".

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog".

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said "No, you might have a snake in there".

The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady "That smells like crap".

The little old lady said "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper".
 
From facebook.

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Click to expand...
 
I never thought 'I wouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole' would become a national policy, but here we are.
 
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