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Joke page Political or just funny put them here.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Green Bay Wisconsin, Sir.”

"Oh really? Why did you leave Green Bay?” asked the manager.
“Nothing but whores and football players up there, Sir.”
Really, replied the manager, "My wife is from Green Bay.”
The boy replied, "No way! What position did she play?”
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 
I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
 
Do you know, that Lewis Carroll, driving through Russia, wrote down the strange russian word "защищающихся" (those who protect themselves) in English letters.
Just the sight of this word causes horror - zashtsheeshtshayoyshtsheekhsya.

No english speaking person can pronounce this word. :)
 
A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what's wrong. The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says "I have some good news and some bad news". The patient says "Alright what the bad news is?" The doctor says "I have to amputate your leg". The patient asks "What is the good news?" "The guy in the bed beside you is offering to buy your slippers".
 
A funeral was held for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

"Well, as least we know she got there all right," commented her husband.
 
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It is with a sad heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon and veteran Pillsbury spokesman.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome coronavirus type 2a and complications from a yeast infection. He was 79.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. His long- time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
 
eohrnberger said:
It is with a sad heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon and veteran Pillsbury spokesman.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome coronavirus type 2a and complications from a yeast infection. He was 79.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. His long- time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
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Oddly enough I knew his father and mother.
 
The King gathered John Keynes, Friedrich Hayek and Vladimir Lenin and said to them:
"I own three Islands with wild natives. They still collect berries, cover their asses with leaves, and hunt with spears. I see you are very smart, and I'm sending you to one of the islands for each, so that you can organize the most modern and prosperous economy for me there.
A year passes. The king sends a messenger to find out what is happening on the Islands. He returns and says:
- Hayek on his island said that everyone now has to compete with each other on the hunt, distributed spears to everyone and waited for the economy to grow.
And what is the growth of the economy?
- Actually, the natives killed each other on the first day, there was only one of the strongest left, who stabbed and ate Hayek.
"Sad," said the King. "What about Keynes?"
- "Keynes arranged it quite differently. He gave all the spears to the chief and his followers. The chief allowed the rest of the natives to use spears on condition that they gave him part of the loot. And so that the leader and his entourage did not experience crises, the fee for using spears constantly increased, they say, the cost of maintaining spears is growing.
"What happened there?"
- All the natives died of starvation, and the chief and his entourage died of obesity.
Eh, the King waved his hand. — Well, if these failed, then Lenin definitely ruined everything. Okay, dismissed.
"Your Majesty, the natives of the third island have already surrounded the Palace with tanks and are demanding that you surrender in the name of the revolution.
"Me? They ask me to give up?"- the King was surprised. "I will never surrender to this rabble!"
And the messenger took a revolver out of his pocket and said: "Who's asking you, you bastard?"
 
One day, king Frederick II the Great of Prussia went to inspect the Berlin prison. When he asked why the prisoners were behind bars, everyone swore that they were here by accident and were not guilty of anything.
Only one admitted to being in jail for robbery. The king was not without a sense of humor and ordered: "Throw this robber out of here so that he doesn't have a bad influence on the decent people gathered here."
 
- Our priest talks to God every day.
- How do you know?
- He said so himself.
- And what if he's lying?
- How can a person, who talks to God every day, lie?!
 
Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 9th decade and never married. Everyone admired her kindness and responsiveness. One day the pastor came to her to discuss the festive mass and she invited him into the living room. Beatrice asked the pastor to sit down and wait while she made tea.
Looking at her old Hammond organ at home, he suddenly noticed on the lacquered lid of the instrument a pretty vessel with water in which a condom was brazenly floating. When Beatrice returned with a tray of steaming tea and scented biscuits, they began to talk.
The pastor tried to hide his curiosity, but he couldn't help it. Miss Beatrice, "he said, pointing to the jar, "can you tell me about this subject?"
"You noticed it, too! - the organist exclaimed -"Isn't he beautiful?"
Last august, I was walking through the park and found this little bag in the grass. The instructions read: place it on the organ, keep it moist and this will prevent the spread of a possible disease.
"You know, I haven't had the flu all winter!
 
I recently heard a feminist say that she is in favor of a woman keeping her last name after marriage... What do you mean, your last name?! Your last name is the last name of the man, who married your mother, and her last name is the last name of the man, who married your grandmother! You never had a last name of your own! :)
 
Ringo Stalin said:
I recently heard a feminist say that she is in favor of a woman keeping her last name after marriage... What do you mean, your last name?! Your last name is the last name of the man, who married your mother, and her last name is the last name of the man, who married your grandmother! You never had a last name of your own! :)
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Good grief, idiot. Stamp your little feet to protest all those females who ignore idiots who insist on bullying, demeaning and belittling them in order to puff up their own egos, pretending they are bosses of those "lowly females" who work for or are sadly married to them.
 
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