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Joke page Political or just funny put them here.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
 
Michael J Fox was arrested today for shoplifting. Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine.
 
If a redneck dies in battle he goes to Y’allhalla
 
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A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted!

Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.” The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”
The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
 
I was watching my neighbor's cat while she was on holiday as her elderly mum wasn't able to. After a couple of days she phoned. "How's Tiddles getting on?" she asked. "Tiddles is dead" I replied. After a while she sobbed "That's so cold hearted. Could you not have broken it to me a bit gentler than that? You could have said Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly" "I'm sorry" I said "you're right" "And how's my mum?" she continued. "Well" I replied "first she got stuck up a tree..."
 
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered " the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
 
A secretary got an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a Christmas present. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by e-mail. The boss's wife read the e-mail and immediately began yelling at and demanded an explanation from her husband. The e-mail said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has an extraordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot."

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.
 
Not a joke, but still funny:

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
 
Now that we are retired, my wife and I were discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you?" I asked the missus. After some thought, she said that she would probably look for a house-sharing situation with three or four single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she was so active for her age. Then the missus asked me "What will you do if I die first?" I replied "Probably the same thing!"
 
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My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist. And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of theMancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.
 
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the neighborhood bar.

It's a 35 minute walk from the neighborhood bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.
 
Last night we drove our truck to a bar here in town and we had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots..... We still had the sense to know we were over the limit. That's when we decided to do what we have never done before: We locked up the truck in a secure place, and took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. We arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because We had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where we got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Who needs parts? '99 Ford Taurus V6, automatic transmission, tires are about half tread...
 
Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life

MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed to reporters Monday that impoverished 53-year-old Luke Reilly has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life. “It’s an absolute disgrace that there are people in this country who can’t even be bothered to get up and go out and put some of their cash on hand into high dividend–yielding stocks,” said local resident Deborah Nix, who expressed frustration at the full-time cashier’s refusal to even try investing in a mutual fund or placing a substantial inheritance into an account that generates thousands of dollars a year and can then be tapped into as needed. “He probably just expects everything to be handed to him, but that’s not how it works. You have to get out there and pound the pavement until you find a reputable wealth management firm. Then, it’s just a matter of following the advice of an expert and transferring funds from one place to another. Of course, if someone like that ever did receive a dividend payout or a generous share buyback, he’d probably blow it all by the end of the week.” At press time, sources confirmed Reilly had proven his neighbor’s point by squandering his entire minimum-wage paycheck on rent, bills, and groceries.
Click to expand...
 
A 10-year-old girl asks her mother... "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
 
In the old age home Mrs. Smith asks whether she can hold Mr. Parks penis again when all the residents watch the news in the TV lounge that night.

Mr. Parks tells her no, since for tonight he's already promised that to Mrs. Blythe.

"and what" an indignant Mrs. Smith demands "does Mrs. Blythe have that I do not?"

"Parkinson."
 
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14".
 
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