When I first came home
.....I stayed in contact with those who had survived in my unit. Which there wasn't many. Which we stayed in touch thru the years. But now there are only a couple of us left. I am the last of those from my squad. For me I think I was to caught up in the streetlife. Money, money, money.....then the Partying and Drinking. Women.....Business. Fast-lane and all. Never had the time to sit and really be thinking about things. Those around me.....seemed to care. Not like when I first came home. Moreover I had gone thru something similar with those who grew up around and with me. Growing up on the streets I had seen death at a young age. Blood people shot. Seeing kids in caskets. Funerals and our parents. The whole bit. Living thru wounds taken and surviving a war. I don't know if I closed myself off to the world or if the world had just encapsulated me.
All I know is I live with it all and I can never forget any of it.....faces, smells, all the reminders and just about any music bring it all back. Getting older, what wears on me is why me.....why I am the last. I shouldn't be here. Now even my family is gone. I don't go out as much into the public other when I am working. No longer go to the VFW. Have even missed going out on Flag Day and other event wherein at least I could be around those who know what it is like. Sure others try and encourage me to come around. Other than the work around my property I really don't go outside anywheres. It's like I am becoming a hermit without even trying. The OL does the shopping and most of time I don't even have to put gas into the car. All those mundane activities out in public dropped down to the very minimum or as if it would be like an emergency.
Hell I even still get into the NAM crouch. Be sitting in my backyard like that just sitting and staring off into the woods on the creek. Thinking about people and then.....Nothing!
Nervous Condition, PTSD, depression.....I don't really even try to think on it. I just take one day at a time as it comes. Sometimes the time is slower, and taken that way in whatever moment. All I know is I don't sleep and it is rare for anything over 5 hrs. I think I would have to stay up for like 3 days just to sleep 8 hrs thru and know what a restful sleep is like. I can't even remember when I had a dream nor can I ever forget the faces of those who were my bruthas and cuzins......nor my enemies.