The emphasis on marriage

[Surtr]

I honestly just don't get it. For the past 8 years of my life, my family has been hounding me on when I'm going to get married, or when they're going to have grandchildren. When I tell them "probably never", the reaction is always irrationally severe. Lately, they've been down my ****ing throat about it. I'm honestly considering just telling them I'm sterile or something. I've also noticed that my neighbors have been talking behind my back as well. I'm not married, or have a gf, so obviously I'm either gay, or I'm "strange". I get the same **** at places I frequent, school, and recently from friends.

I simply don't understand it. Why is my being married so godamned important to other people who will be completely unaffected by it?

 

[Daktoria]

People have sex drives.

Your family and neighbors want to make sure you're not pent up. Your family also cares about its bloodline carrying into the future, so realizes it's responsible to make sure you're included.

Some of them might be teasing you to stir your balls up. Others might genuinely harass you since they don't know how else to get you interested.

 

[Canell]

Oh, this is just a social mechanism for self-preservation. Once upon a time the conditions of life were very hard and if you had a child or two, the bloodline would probably cease to exist. So, a drive for 5-6-7-8 children sprawled naturally (unconsciously) to secure the survival of the numerous wars, plagues, miscarriages, etc.

But I got an idea for you - next time they open a word about it, tell them the world is going to end soon and it is pointless. It's an argument they probably won't resist, especially if the world really start falling apart.

 

[Medusa]

my family wants me to marry too and wonders why i still dont get married .i dont know .maybe this generation is not that lucky and everything is consumed so speedy as fast food.maybe because i like traditional foods i usually get disappointed .my kitchen is too dignified for fast food loves:2razz:

 

[tessaesque]

I get some pressure myself, though I feel differently about marriage and kids than you do, based on the OP. All I can determine is that most of the people (family and friends, specifically) want you to marry and have children because they equate that with duty or ultimate happiness. Sometimes it's also a bit selfish (i.e. wanting grandchildren), but generally speaking it's because we've been socially conditioned to follow a general path through life that includes marriage, children, and white picket fences.

Maybe you need to have a heartfelt conversation with them on your own terms. If you bring it up before they do, and you make it clear that you don't see yourself ever desiring that life style perhaps it will help them move towards acceptance. But remember: Just as you feel immovable regarding your personal choices, they may feel immovable regarding their desires for you/themselves. It will likely take time and consistent messaging from you for them to accept your choices. I'm sure that can and will be frustrating, but if you want a relationship with them I think it's essential to get on level footing with them regarding your opposing goals.

 

[Surtr]

People have sex drives.

I don't need marriage to take care of that. Plus all the people I know say that once they got married, sex became less and less frequent.

Your family also cares about its bloodline carrying into the future, so realizes it's responsible to make sure you're included.

Well, they can drop that idea because It's not happening.

Oh, this is just a social mechanism for self-preservation. Once upon a time the conditions of life were very hard and if you had a child or two, the bloodline would probably cease to exist. So, a drive for 5-6-7-8 children sprawled naturally (unconsciously) to secure the survival of the numerous wars, plagues, miscarriages, etc.

But I got an idea for you - next time they open a word about it, tell them the world is going to end soon and it is pointless. It's an argument they probably won't resist, especially if the world really start falling apart.

You don't know my family. The world could be seconds away from implosion, and they'd still be telling me I need to get someone knocked up.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

I honestly just don't get it. For the past 8 years of my life, my family has been hounding me on when I'm going to get married, or when they're going to have grandchildren. When I tell them "probably never", the reaction is always irrationally severe. Lately, they've been down my ****ing throat about it. I'm honestly considering just telling them I'm sterile or something. I've also noticed that my neighbors have been talking behind my back as well. I'm not married, or have a gf, so obviously I'm either gay, or I'm "strange". I get the same **** at places I frequent, school, and recently from friends.

I simply don't understand it. Why is my being married so godamned important to other people who will be completely unaffected by it?

I hear ya. I've known for a long time that I won't ever have kids or get married. My family insisted on believing it was a phase. Now that I'm older, they're beginning to realize it isn't.

I'm actually getting a tubal in about a week. I told my dad, since he's my emergency contact. At first it seemed like he was just going to keep his mouth shut, but that didn't last. He got on my ass about it a few days ago.

My mother I'm not even telling. She's just totally insane about it. I got an ovarian cyst when I was a teenager and she told me I was being punished by "god" for not wanting kids. When I had to have it removed, the only thing she seemed to care about was whether I'd still be able to breed. So screw that. I'm not even going there, because she's enough of a jerk about it that I just don't think she deserves to know.

Fortunately my friends are awesome about it. My best friend is throwing me an "anti-baby shower." I love her to pieces. :lol:

People haven't started seriously hounding me about the marriage thing yet, but some people do think it's weird that I'm in my mid-20's, single, and not really looking. Why? I'm focusing on my career. I'm very busy and I don't have time for a relationship. Even if I did, I have no interest in getting legally entangled with another person. I don't need government permission in order to love someone. I don't need an overpriced rock in order to be committed. I don't need to legally lock someone down because of some fear of being alone.

Honestly, you know what I think? I think a lot of people get pressured into marrying and having kids, and they want to feel like they're validated by trying to pressure other people into it too. They don't like seeing living examples that you can choose to live your life the way you want, when they didn't have the spine to do it themselves. That's my theory.

 

[Surtr]

I get some pressure myself, though I feel differently about marriage and kids than you do, based on the OP.

Fair assumption. I'm 100% against it. For myself, anyway.

Maybe you need to have a heartfelt conversation with them on your own terms. If you bring it up before they do, and you make it clear that you don't see yourself ever desiring that life style perhaps it will help them move towards acceptance. But remember: Just as you feel immovable regarding your personal choices, they may feel immovable regarding their desires for you/themselves. It will likely take time and consistent messaging from you for them to accept your choices. I'm sure that can and will be frustrating, but if you want a relationship with them I think it's essential to get on level footing with them regarding your opposing goals.

Oh, I've tried. Numerous times, in numerous ways. It's the unstoppable force coming into contact with the immovable object every time.

 

[ChuckBerry]

A simpler explanation is that they want you to stop being a selfish man-child. You don't have to be married with kids to have a full, meaningful life, but you MUST be responsible for something other than yourself (and no, a goldfish or dog don't count) to give context and completion to your life. Otherwise, it's just you and your impulses, not much above the existence of an animal.

 

[tessaesque]

Fair assumption. I'm 100% against it. For myself, anyway.



Oh, I've tried. Numerous times, in numerous ways. It's the unstoppable force coming into contact with the immovable object every time.

I get that. I deal with it inside my own family with completely different subject matter.

My family and (more so) my boyfriend's family have made it clear they're tired of waiting for us to tie the knot. We have a few relatives who even want to bring religion into it, claiming they can't support us in any way because we're "living in sin"...as if guilting us will change the situation at all. I guess the biggest difference for us is that we do eventually intend on getting married...it just isn't a priority for us in terms of finances. Since nobody is willing or able to step up and fund such an event, and since none of them would be satisfied with us going the JoP route, they'll just have to deal w/their issues on their own.

If the family won't stop pressuring you and refuses to accept your decision maybe, "I'm not discussing this, how about them Marlins?" is the best course of action. I think we all, at some level, want our families to just take us as we are, but sometimes it's easier to know they disapprove silently than to keep beating our heads against the wall trying to sway them.

 

[ThePlayDrive]

I honestly just don't get it. For the past 8 years of my life, my family has been hounding me on when I'm going to get married, or when they're going to have grandchildren. When I tell them "probably never", the reaction is always irrationally severe. Lately, they've been down my ****ing throat about it. I'm honestly considering just telling them I'm sterile or something. I've also noticed that my neighbors have been talking behind my back as well. I'm not married, or have a gf, so obviously I'm either gay, or I'm "strange". I get the same **** at places I frequent, school, and recently from friends.

I simply don't understand it. Why is my being married so godamned important to other people who will be completely unaffected by it?

Oftentimes, people's families have dreams for them from the time their born so when you say that you're going to do or not do something that destroys that dream, they flip out. Another factor is that most people have a hard time understanding or accepting or even just respecting different perspectives on life in general, not just when it comes to marriage. As a result, when someone does something that does not fit into their idea of what people are supposed to be and do, they flip out again.

I remember when I told my family that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married. My brother reacted like I just said I was going to join Al Qaeda. His reaction was laughably melodramatic, but at the end of the day, completely irrelevant.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

A simpler explanation is that they want you to stop being a selfish man-child. You don't have to be married with kids to have a full, meaningful life, but you MUST be responsible for something other than yourself (and no, a goldfish or dog don't count) to give context and completion to your life. Otherwise, it's just you and your impulses, not much above the existence of an animal.

You don't know anything about Lokiate except that he doesn't want to be married or have kids. How can you conclude he must be a selfish man-child who has no sense of responsibility? Sounds like you do judge people based on what they do with their 'nads, and whether they sign a marriage contract.

Plus, I find it sort of laughable that you're claiming those aren't selfish choices. You get married because you want to. No other reason. You love someone and you feel like you ought to get married to signify that, so you do. It's not like not getting married stops you from being committed. You have kids because you want to. No other reason. It's not like you can ask your non-existent child if they'd like to be born.

Married, not married, kids, no kids, they are all selfish choices. And you have a lot of audacity assuming someone is a "man-child" simply for lacking some sort of government seal of approval and popping out a kid, which are both things that virtually anyone can do, regardless of how responsible they are (in fact a lot of people wind up doing it specifically because they're irresponsible). Get off your high horse.

 

[Canell]

You don't know my family. The world could be seconds away from implosion, and they'd still be telling me I need to get someone knocked up.

Don't worry, they will stop when you are in your mid 30's.
OK, another idea - tell them you are a contemporary person and prefer to live like a family without being married (I don't know how it is called in English). If they start whining about kids it would be a little more complicated but you'll think of something.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Don't worry, they will stop when you are in your mid 30's.
OK, another idea - tell them you are a contemporary person and prefer to live like a family without being married (I don't know how it is called in English). If they start whining about kids it would be a little more complicated but you'll think of something.

I believe the word you're looking for is "cohabitation."

I'm hoping that being fixed will get people off my ass about it. "Well, I'm sterilized, so that's that!" I'm sure some of the more baby-rabid people in my family will persist anyway or try to guilt me for the rest of my life, but a girl can dream.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

I honestly just don't get it. For the past 8 years of my life, my family has been hounding me on when I'm going to get married, or when they're going to have grandchildren. When I tell them "probably never", the reaction is always irrationally severe. Lately, they've been down my ****ing throat about it. I'm honestly considering just telling them I'm sterile or something. I've also noticed that my neighbors have been talking behind my back as well. I'm not married, or have a gf, so obviously I'm either gay, or I'm "strange". I get the same **** at places I frequent, school, and recently from friends.

I simply don't understand it. Why is my being married so godamned important to other people who will be completely unaffected by it?

you're not using enough superlatives, expletives and descriptive metaphors for their liking, apparently.

In my experience; the more someone questions your already given simple answers - they're just pressing for more raw emotion, meaning and depth . . . so I say: "Make it colorful"

 

[lizzie]

I honestly just don't get it. For the past 8 years of my life, my family has been hounding me on when I'm going to get married, or when they're going to have grandchildren. When I tell them "probably never", the reaction is always irrationally severe. Lately, they've been down my ****ing throat about it. I'm honestly considering just telling them I'm sterile or something. I've also noticed that my neighbors have been talking behind my back as well. I'm not married, or have a gf, so obviously I'm either gay, or I'm "strange". I get the same **** at places I frequent, school, and recently from friends.

I simply don't understand it. Why is my being married so godamned important to other people who will be completely unaffected by it?

Meh- don't worry about it, and just ignore it.

Your family probably wants you to get married and have kids, because of the emotional needs they have for grandchildren. Your friends probably want you to get married so that you can share in their misery. :lol:

 

[Canell]

I believe the word you're looking for is "cohabitation."

I'm hoping that being fixed will get people off my ass about it. "Well, I'm sterilized, so that's that!" I'm sure some of the more baby-rabid people in my family will persist anyway or try to guilt me for the rest of my life, but a girl can dream.

Yeah, cohabitation, thanks.
I think you should keep your fertility because one can never know... Better safe than sorry. As to the whining, there are other ways to shut them up, persuasion in the first place. They will whine and whine and stop. Well, it worked for me, at least.

 

[Helix]

while my family has put absolutely no pressure on me, I do plan to get married when I find the right woman. most of the scrutiny has come from others in my area. they assume I'm gay or just odd. what i am is careful. after seeing so many marriages end unhappily, I'm very careful about who I date. if that makes me strange, then I am strange.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Yeah, cohabitation, thanks.
I think you should keep your fertility because one can never know... Better safe than sorry. As to the whining, there are other ways to shut them up, persuasion in the first place. They will whine and whine and stop. Well, it worked for me, at least.

You're telling me I should tell them to shut up, but you're pulling the exact same crap they are? In the same post? Hypocrisy much?

I don't want my fertility. Do you honestly believe I'd have surgery - even minor surgery - if I hadn't considered that it's permanent? Permanent is what I want.

What about the fact that having kids is permanent? Do you ever tell prospective parents they shouldn't have kids because it's permanent?

Thanks for your concern, but no thanks.

 

[Canell]

You're telling me I should tell them to shut up, but you're pulling the exact same crap they are? In the same post? Hypocrisy much?

No, I don't think so. I'm just saying you should keep it in case you change your mind. But I'm not at all telling you to have kids, it's your choice.
Like you're telling it, I get the impression you want that surgery just to shut them up.

What about the fact that having kids is permanent? Do you ever tell prospective parents they shouldn't have kids because it's permanent?

No, I like liberty and don't force people against their will.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

No, I don't think so. I'm just saying you should keep it in case you change your mind. But I'm not at all telling you to have kids, it's your choice.
Like you're telling it, I get the impression you want that surgery just to shut them up.

So why wouldn't you recommend that someone not have kids just in case they change their mind? What, do you think people never regret having kids? You're wrong.

Why is it that people only question your judgment if you DON'T want kids? Why are you assuming I am less capable of knowing myself than someone who wants kids?

I want a tubal so I don't ever have to worry about it again. Why should I keep using temporary solutions, when I want a permanent solution?

The hope that it will shut them up is just a side benefit. I'm not willing to spend that kind of money just to shut people up. I don't care that much what other people say. But it would be a nice bonus if it accomplished that.

You don't know anything about me and it's sort of funny that you think you have any place to tell me what you think I should do about my own birth control.

 

[Canell]

So why wouldn't you recommend that someone not have kids just in case they change their mind? What, do you think people never regret having kids? You're wrong.

Why is it that people only question your judgment and your ability to know yourself if you DON'T want kids? Why are you assuming I am less capable of knowing myself than someone who wants kids?

I want a tubal so I don't ever have to worry about it again. Why should I keep using temporary solutions, when I want a permanent solution?

The hope that it will shut them up is just a side benefit. I'm not willing to spend that kind of money just to shut people up. I don't care that much what other people say. But it would be a nice bonus if it accomplished that.

You don't know anything about me and it's sort of funny that you think you have any place to tell me what you think I should do about my own birth control.

OK, Smokie, calm down. I don't tell you to do anything, I'm just suggesting. There is quite a difference.

eace

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

OK, Smokie, calm down. I don't tell you to do anything, I'm just suggesting. There is quite a difference.

eace

Which is still kind of stupid, considering your position in the scheme of my life. I suggest you have 6 children. And I have just as much qualification to make that suggestion as you do to suggest I'm too dumb to know I don't want any.

I just can't think of a more perfect demonstration of hypocrisy than what you just did there. "Tell people to shut up, but I don't think you know yourself well enough to make these sorts of decisions." I don't think you're quite as forward-thinking as you think you are.

 

[ThePlayDrive]

Which is still kind of stupid, considering your position in the scheme of my life. I suggest you have 6 children. And I have just as much qualification to make that suggestion as you do to suggest I'm too dumb to know I don't want any.

I just can't think of a more perfect demonstration of hypocrisy than what you just did there. "Tell people to shut up, but I don't think you know yourself well enough to make these sorts of decisions." I don't think you're quite as forward-thinking as you think you are.

Just my 2 cents: You're completely overreacting to his comments and reading a lot more into them than what was said.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Just my 2 cents: You're completely overreacting to his comments and reading a lot more into them than what was said.

I don't think pointing out really obvious hypocrisy for what it is, is overreacting. And it's actually a really perfect issue to address in this thread.

I would actually love for him to answer my question: Would he have said I shouldn't do it, if I had said I wanted kids? It's another permanent, personal decision, just like getting sterilized. If I'm incapable of knowing myself well enough to know I want to be sterilized, then surely I must also be incapable of knowing myself well enough to know I want kids.

And that is the implication, here. That a person can't know themselves well enough to know they never want kids. However, for some reason, they can know themselves well enough to know that they do want kids. Both are permanent decisions. And having kids actually impacts your life a lot more seriously than NOT having kids. Yet, we never question people who want them, and we always question people who don't, despite the fact that not having them is so much less serious.

This isn't really about me. I just happened to be the person who got the first bingo in this thread. It was bound to happen to someone sooner or later.