Polyamorous relationship: Would this type of open relationship work for you?

[katiegrrl0]

In polyamory, there is no "fake" couple. Each couple loves each other. In some polyamorous relationships, they may have a priority level (usually based on endurance of the relationship) or all may be equal. Either configuration works for some people.

If you have extra sexual partners with whom you are not in a "real" relationship, that is called swinging, not polyamory.

Each person would have to have a full share in the relationship and full duties to the function and form.

 

[Mach]

I suspect it would ultimately end up being:
1. the beginning of the end of the marriage
2. grass is greener, and once realized, what I had would be forever tainted by having opened up the relationship.

Three (or more) is disproportionately more complex than two. As some mention, I would also not have the mental energy, nor the ability to turn off the jealousy nagging. I'm guessing affairs are more popular, and that has a lot to do with the mental energy (stealing time here and there, no comittment) and jealousy issue (can't be jealous if its just you cheating) benefits, but at the cost of dishonesty.

 

[katiegrrl0]

I have had a few friends in poly relationships.
One was a don't ask don't tell type thing. That one didn't last.
One was open but with well defined ground rules that both primary members sat down and wrote together, they are still together, and have their others on the side.
One is a permanent group. Once again they have set rules, and seem to be doing fine.
I think in some instances it can work, but communication is vital.

For me I don't think it would work. I don't play well with others, and don't like to share.

What we are considering is the group concept. I think we would do all we can to have our ducks in a row before hand because breaking with a cultural norm is always hard. This is part of my process of thinking through this. Marriage is a social construct and is not necessarily the best way for humans to go. I have always been one to examine everything.

 

[molten_dragon]

I'm not sure I'd want a completely open marriage, but I think a healthy marriage can include the occasional fling with someone who is not your spouse. I'd like to try it at some point, and my wife knows I feel that way. We've discussed it, and she is very reluctant. She's worried that she would be okay with the idea beforehand, and then regret it after it happened when it can't be taken back. So it's unlikely I'll ever get to do anything about it, but the door hasn't closed completely.

 

[joko104]

It would for us be a case of an equality. Share and share alike.

3 way sharing?

 

[Arcana XV]

3 way sharing?

Nope. Never was part of the deal.

 

[katiegrrl0]

It works for me. I tried the monogamous thing for a long time and it didn't work. I eventually get restless and bored and end up resenting the other person for tying me down, even though it was my choice to be with them to begin with and I knew perfectly well that they were not in favor of an open relationship. It's not that one man is not enough, it's that I don't need that kind of symbiotic relationship. I don't know how to make it work. I'm totally useless at compromise and making decisions together. Also, love is not a finite resource for me. I can love more than one person and I know this is going to sound odd to most people, but I can be committed to more than one person. It's hard to explain unless you're wired for this type of stuff. I totally understand that this doesn't make sense to people who are monogamous.

So now I'm trying the polyamorous thing and I've never been happier than in the last 6 years. It's not perfect, obviously. There are jealousy and insecurity issues, not to mention never having enough time to spend together because there's also a long distance relationship involved, but nothing that can't be worked out. At this point in my life, it's what I need. I like the freedom it provides and the lack of boring daily routine. I'm happy this way. We all are.

There would be no long distance as she would move in and become part of everything we share. In a sense this moves us toward a woman's community. The community concept and sharing life has always appealed to both my wife and I. Right now I am still processing the ups and downs of such a relationship. The other woman is also in a thought process as well. We have agreed that the decision must be comfortable to all parties.

 

[NoC_T]

My wife and I have had a purely monogamous relationship for thirteen years. This has worked for us. We have been legally married for four years now. Many times over the years we have discussed opening the relationship to others. There is nothing wrong with the way we are. But we have expanded our horizons views and idea's of sexual monogamy. Neither of us is certain this is how the human was designed.
We know a few other couples that have a completely open relationship and it has worked for them on many levels. They have opened to their own inner spirituality and sharing of life. It is a change in focus and another aspect of the multifaceted human condition.
A question asked is, is my wife enough for me? Yes she is. Am I enough for her, she answers yes.
Part of the thought process is discussion. Normally I don't think I would bring a discussion of this nature to a forum like this but I think the topic is worthy of discussion and even debate.
Would a relationship like this work for you? If the answer is yes, Why? If it wouldn't work for you, why? Consider and respond and let's keep away from judgments if possible.

Hell no. One woman guy to the end. I couldn't bear the thought of her with someone else either. Not that I'm particularly jealous, but **** that. I won't share. She's either with me, or she's not.

I've never been quite certain how sex is a spiritual experience either, given that it exalts the material. Pleasurable, certainly. But not spiritual. Unless we're speaking of the social aspect of open relationships. That may conceivably be spiritual, dependent upon the objective.

Or, if you're simply looking for us to justify your curiosity, then go for it. :lol:

 

[Your Star]

In polyamory, there is no "fake" couple. Each couple loves each other. In some polyamorous relationships, they may have a priority level (usually based on endurance of the relationship) or all may be equal. Either configuration works for some people.

If you have extra sexual partners with whom you are not in a "real" relationship, that is called swinging, not polyamory.

Now I feel like I would be more comfortable swinging from time to time with my gf/wife, whatever. I think it could spice things up in the bedroom to bring someone else in, and have that experience together.

 

[MaggieD]

I'm not sure I'd want a completely open marriage, but I think a healthy marriage can include the occasional fling with someone who is not your spouse. I'd like to try it at some point, and my wife knows I feel that way. We've discussed it, and she is very reluctant. She's worried that she would be okay with the idea beforehand, and then regret it after it happened when it can't be taken back. So it's unlikely I'll ever get to do anything about it, but the door hasn't closed completely.

Playing with fire, in my opinion -- even with the very best of intentions.

I think that way because I know darned well there's plenty more fish in the sea that could easily attract me...or that I could be attracted to. A fling often starts out with two mature people saying, "We'll never let this get in the way of our marriages. We both love our spouses and wouldn't break up our families for anything." And really meaning it. But then emotions and hormones take over . . . that new-found-lover lust that feels sooooo good! is highlly addictive. Being with someone without the humdrum of every-day responsibilities is so damn! sweet.

And then...just maybe? One family or two is completely destroyed.

 

[katiegrrl0]

No, it wouldn't work for me. I don't have sex for the sake of having sex. I have sex because I'm in love with someone. I can't be in love with two people at the same time. So there ya' pretty much have it.

But. What two people want to do within their marriage is entirely their business.

This is not just about the sex. A relationship is far more than that in terms of our sharing life together. But I fully understand your position.
I wonder for myself if the desire to be with one person is something that was really within me. Was the limit of one person just a social correctness that I had followed? This breaks that barrier and adds a new aspect to life.

 

[NoC_T]

As for being in love, it's my belief that, if you're entertaining the notion of an open relationship, you really couldn't be in love anyway.

Love, yes. But not 'in love'.

 

[Arcana XV]

There would be no long distance as she would move in and become part of everything we share. In a sense this moves us toward a woman's community. The community concept and sharing life has always appealed to both my wife and I. Right now I am still processing the ups and downs of such a relationship. The other woman is also in a thought process as well. We have agreed that the decision must be comfortable to all parties.

Yes, the most important part is that all parties must be comfortable with the arrangement.

I hope it works out for you all. I couldn't do it. I won't even move in with one man no matter how much I love him. Been there, done that. I'm just not cut out for this marriage stuff.

 

[joko104]

At the moment, there is only one guy. Yes, she knows. We're friends.

Then it works.

I know variations of that where one of the 3 doesn't really want a full time "relationship" or the typical "honey, I'm home" every day either. The one I am most familiar with involves 2 women and 1 man. One women - the occasional one - is lesbian. The other woman (wife) is bi. The man is straight. All are extremely desirable type personalities but each with different wants and needs. The man sees it as giving him a break - so to speak - without neglecting her. The woman (bi and younger) is somewhat nympho so it works well. The lesbian, a very highly educated professional, only wants occasional relationship and homebody duties. Both women have a child by him. Their home is even set up to suit this (they are not poor) with basically an attached apartment that can be opened to the whole house. Both children are raised by the younger bi wife, who wants to be in the housewife role and wants them both to have more children. Every aspect of their relationship is in the form of a signed, notarized contract including economics and property. Both being extreme alpha personalities, the lesbian and the straight husband occasionally have knock-down arguments, but not over jealousy matters. The younger Bi is the peacekeeper. All three are highly physically and personally attractive people and those who know them are green-eyed jealous.

I can see how, in your situation, it could work well for all of you, particularly since permanency is not a goal of yours. If you also were bi and found her attractive too, it could approach perfection for all involved.

 

[Medusa]

a heart beats for only one person although genital organs may want different partners's organs.but the first one is the most difficult part of a relationship and if you succeed in this part ,you dont need others' organs.

 

[joko104]

As for being in love, it's my belief that, if you're entertaining the notion of an open relationship, you really couldn't be in love anyway.

Love, yes. But not 'in love'.

That's just you.

 

[NoC_T]

That's just you.

Quite possibly.

Whenever I've been 'in love', it was always about total and complete absorption in that one person.

 

[joko104]

There would be no long distance as she would move in and become part of everything we share. In a sense this moves us toward a woman's community. The community concept and sharing life has always appealed to both my wife and I. Right now I am still processing the ups and downs of such a relationship. The other woman is also in a thought process as well. We have agreed that the decision must be comfortable to all parties.

Get all the economic and property aspects in writing.

 

[katiegrrl0]

Katie - You make a great point. A lot of these hang-ups people have about polyamory are, indeed, social constructs. In some cultures it is quite natural (and I'm not talking about orthodox polygamy, which is basically like having a harem). Jealousy exists in all humans, but so does anger and miscommunication. In the West, we are taught how to work through the latter two, but not the first.

Growing up in that sort of culture, which has strict definitions of how relationships ought to be and how you're allowed to love, does make it harder for polyamory to work, I think. It means fighting off decades of engrained social training that monogamy is how it's "supposed" to be, when in reality no such thing is true. In reality, humans are not strictly monogamous. We tend to have lasting relationships, but usually not life-long, and we may have over-lap in our relationships where several are going on simultaneously. That is our "state of nature" so to speak.

Myself? Monogamy works fairly well for me, with some wiggle room. But then again, having just 2 or 3 close friends works for me too, so obviously I'm not a group type of person. YMMV.

Thank you. Even the idea of marriage is a social construct. When we are bonded with a person we desire to be with them. Has the idea of one at a time bonding tainted who I am? Can I be more? Does my idea of one on one come from what is seen as natural around me. Being in a same sex relationship has already broken the mold now I approach another wall. We have been close friends with her for a long time.

 

[lizzie]

This is not just about the sex. A relationship is far more than that in terms of our sharing life together. But I fully understand your position.
I wonder for myself if the desire to be with one person is something that was really within me. Was the limit of one person just a social correctness that I had followed? This breaks that barrier and adds a new aspect to life.

I'm not really sure it's within any of us to be with just one person, forever, end of story, period.
I think it's quite normal to grow and change, and want/fantasize about someone new. No matter who you are with, reality eventually sets in, and you start seeing the things that drive you nuts, the things you wish you could change, and I think that gives people the *grass is greener* bug.
I think there is a deep human longing for finding who or what makes us feel whole, and many of us search for it for decades, or even an entire lifetime. Relationships are precious things, even the ones that aren't totally satisfying. They help fill a hunger in the soul of a person, and they give us the opportunity to reflect, evaluate, and give of ourselves. They are blessings and they are curses as well. Whatever you decide will be best for you. I live by the philosophy that there is a driving force in every individual, and it drives us to do the things that we need to do, in order to learn the things we need to learn. The good, the bad, and the neutral choices all serve the same end, and that end is personal growth.
Hugs to you Katiegirl, in whatever road you decide to travel.

 

[Gipper]

I'm noticing a very distinct correlation between "polyamory" and sexual orientation.

If I put on my Freud glasses, I could have a field day in this thread. Probably piss off a few munchers too.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

a heart beats for only one person although genital organs may want different partners's organs.but the first one is the most difficult part of a relationship and if you succeed in this part ,you dont need others' organs.

Maybe yours does, but not everyone on earth is like you. Many people are extremely capable of loving more than one person, and you saying it's all in their pants doesn't make you right. Maybe it is for you, but you are not Katie, or Arcana, or me (capable, but not interested).

 

[StillBallin75]

My wife and I have had a purely monogamous relationship for thirteen years. This has worked for us. We have been legally married for four years now. Many times over the years we have discussed opening the relationship to others. There is nothing wrong with the way we are. But we have expanded our horizons views and idea's of sexual monogamy. Neither of us is certain this is how the human was designed.
We know a few other couples that have a completely open relationship and it has worked for them on many levels. They have opened to their own inner spirituality and sharing of life. It is a change in focus and another aspect of the multifaceted human condition.
A question asked is, is my wife enough for me? Yes she is. Am I enough for her, she answers yes.
Part of the thought process is discussion. Normally I don't think I would bring a discussion of this nature to a forum like this but I think the topic is worthy of discussion and even debate.
Would a relationship like this work for you? If the answer is yes, Why? If it wouldn't work for you, why? Consider and respond and let's keep away from judgments if possible.

I'm single right now so I can't speak to your situation, but personally I don't see myself being either capable of or interested in loving more than one person, and as such I don't think open relationships are for me, much less polyamorous ones. But my advice is to simply do whatever makes you happy and preferably an arrangement in which all parties involved are comfortable.

 

[StillBallin75]

I'm noticing a very distinct correlation between "polyamory" and sexual orientation.

If I put on my Freud glasses, I could have a field day in this thread. Probably piss off a few munchers too.

So what's stopping you bruh?

Never really got the point of people saying "you know, i could be mean and say all this **** about you...but nahh i'm not gonna do it." If you were gonna say something then just come out straight up and say it.

 

[NoC_T]

a heart beats for only one person although genital organs may want different partners's organs.but the first one is the most difficult part of a relationship and if you succeed in this part ,you dont need others' organs.

Ditto.

If your soul belongs to another, the rest of you is theirs also. At least, that's my feeling.