Is Sexting Cheating on your Partner?

[Dittohead not!]

I guess I've lived a pretty sheltered life too. It's hard to imagine a conversation like this:

"You know that little hottie down at the office? I think I'll send her a picture of my junk."
"You do that, dear. Everyone needs a hobby. Do you think you'll get lucky with her?"
"Well, I can hope. Say, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Nope. Not in my sheltered existence.

 

[maquiscat]

How do you feel that I've led a sheltered life? Just because I think that most long-term monogamous relationships wouldn't be OK with sexting? That's not being sheltered. That's just stating opinion. I didn't say that they didn't cheat - I just said that most wouldn't be OK with it.

The problem came from your implication (intended or not) that only monogamous relationship are committed. Many poly relationships are also committed relationship as well. I will agree with you that within a monogamous long term relationship, sexting would not be an allowable activity outside of that relationship. Naturally there are exceptions.

I guess I've lived a pretty sheltered life too. It's hard to imagine a conversation like this:

"You know that little hottie down at the office? I think I'll send her a picture of my junk."
"You do that, dear. Everyone needs a hobby. Do you think you'll get lucky with her?"
"Well, I can hope. Say, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Nope. Not in my sheltered existence.

I have had conversations with my wife like this:

"Hey dear, you remember that red head from the SCA?"
"The one you typically get partnered with in dance practices?"
"Yeah her. We seem to be hitting it off rather well. Mind of I start dating her?"
"Sure. I like her. She seems good for you."

This is a paraphrased conversation naturally. I've met partners from a variety of sources. She has veto permission (only invoked once. I guess I know how to pick them) and I always ask prior to taking anything to the next level. If we ever found anyone who would end up being a third in our marriage then I would ask both their permission before going after someone else, even if the third was a guy she had brought in. Now within the context of the thread, I don't sext, period. Got no desire to, see no point in it. That said, I do see sexting as part of a relationship, and it would require permission for anyone outside of my partners.

 

[Maenad]

Is Sexting cheating on your partner. In polls men are less apt to think this is a form of cheating. Women on the other hand, like over 80% think it is cheating on a partner. Your take?

Does it fit the full definition of adultery? No.

adul·tery
noun \ə-ˈdəl-t(ə-)rē\

: sex between a married person and someone who is not that person's wife or husband
Full Definition of ADULTERY

: voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband; also : an act of adultery

Adultery - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary

However, if you are sharing intimacy with someone other than your spouse be it texting, verbal, fantasizing, etc. it is disloyal. The wedding vow is generally pretty broad, 'keep only unto her/him.' I think that could reasonabye include any kind of intimacy even if the physical were not involved. Most women take their wedding vows seriously, and I think to take that first step is an indication, to her anyway, that she is not meeting your needs. If she is not meeting your needs be they physical, or emotional, then that is an issue which should be taken to her. I can understand why men would not think it is 'cheating.' And maybe it isn't. I don't know. Men are programmed to be more aggressive sexually for the purpose of finding the woman most suitable for bearing their children. They do this by sizing up hip and breast size, but we are in the information age, so I think it is not a stretch to find that they do it using tools of technology. Yes, I am a woman and I am writing this. I am also not married but I was for a number of years. Would it hack me off? Of course. Would I feel hurt? Definitely. If I were not meeting the needs of my spouse and he didn't at least give me the chance to do so before he goes outside the marriage even if it is only through a cyber portal, I would feel as though he had not given me the chance to meet his needs.

JMNSHO.

 

[Superfly]

The problem came from your implication (intended or not) that only monogamous relationship are committed. Many poly relationships are also committed relationship as well. I will agree with you that within a monogamous long term relationship, sexting would not be an allowable activity outside of that relationship. Naturally there are exceptions.

I have had conversations with my wife like this:

"Hey dear, you remember that red head from the SCA?"
"The one you typically get partnered with in dance practices?"
"Yeah her. We seem to be hitting it off rather well. Mind of I start dating her?"
"Sure. I like her. She seems good for you."

This is a paraphrased conversation naturally. I've met partners from a variety of sources. She has veto permission (only invoked once. I guess I know how to pick them) and I always ask prior to taking anything to the next level. If we ever found anyone who would end up being a third in our marriage then I would ask both their permission before going after someone else, even if the third was a guy she had brought in. Now within the context of the thread, I don't sext, period. Got no desire to, see no point in it. That said, I do see sexting as part of a relationship, and it would require permission for anyone outside of my partners.

If that's a normal conversation between you and your wife, you are not in a committed relationship - at least not committed to each other.

 

[Maenad]

Yes, and unless you're in an open relationship, it's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone. Sexting is not anonymous, there is a real third person involved.

Deceit and betrayal destroys trust.

No trust = no relationship anyway so if you have that little respect for your partner to begin with then do them a favour and end it. They deserve better.

And there are a variety of situations which could cause those texts to become public. People should really think before doing this.

 

[Maenad]

Is casting your baited hook into the water fishing, or must you be caught actually reeling in the catch?

Great analogy.

 

[Maenad]

I remember listening to the radio on the way to work one morning. The morning DJ was always talking about how much he loved his wife. Someone brought up the topic of 'looking' at other women. They were taking calls about the topic. Most said they look at other women and consider that a normal state of being a man. This particular DJ broke with the pack on that one. He said he loved his wife so much he wouldn't want her to ever see him looking at someone else. I recall reading several years ago that in a relationship, one always loves more than the other. I couldn't help wondering if his wife was that committed to him.

 

[maquiscat]

If that's a normal conversation between you and your wife, you are not in a committed relationship - at least not committed to each other.

Hmmmm...let's see....I've gone through several girlfriends, all with her approval and we're still together. I'm sorry that you don't feel that we're committed to each other, but fortunately for our relationship, you don't get to define that. Again, you don't seem to have a full grasp on what polyamory is and how it works. Sadly some people can't get past the concept that you can have multiple simultaneous committed relationships.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Is Sexting cheating on your partner. In polls men are less apt to think this is a form of cheating. Women on the other hand, like over 80% think it is cheating on a partner. Your take?

Yes. There's a reason its called "SEXting". It may only be print on a screen but the essense and intent are the same.

 

[MaggieD]

Is Sexting cheating on your partner. In polls men are less apt to think this is a form of cheating. Women on the other hand, like over 80% think it is cheating on a partner. Your take?

It's cheating. Guys are soooo disingenuous. If it was their girlfriend doing the sexting to another guy, you don't think they'd look at that as cheating??

Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't bury them in the backyard.

 

[Gardener]

It's cheating. Guys are soooo disingenuous. .

Psssst, Maggie -- I just found the word "some" laying around.

It appears you might have dropped it on your way to posting.

 

[MMC]

It's cheating. Guys are soooo disingenuous. If it was their girlfriend doing the sexting to another guy, you don't think they'd look at that as cheating??

Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't bury them in the backyard.

Aww cmon' hunny......it was wrong Number. I never even saw this number before. I don't even know a Caprice.....nor drive one. :2razz:

 

[MaggieD]

Psssst, Maggie -- I just found the word "some" laying around.

It appears you might have dropped it on your way to posting.

Really? Please show in the OP where we're taking about "some." Seems to me we're talking about 80%.

 

[Gardener]

Really? Please show in the OP where we're taking about "some." Seems to me we're talking about 80%.

Where did you see that 80% of men think sexting isn't cheating? I must have missed it. The op indicated that men were less likely to see it as cheating than the 80% of women who do, but didn't state the actual percentage.

I sure think it is cheating.

 

[MaggieD]

Where did you see that 80% of men think sexting isn't cheating? I must have missed it. The op indicated that men were less likely to see it as cheating than the 80% of women who do, but didn't state the actual percentage.

I sure think it is cheating.

*Mugs and talks in deep voice*

What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Oh, wait: What we've got here is a failure by MaggieD to extrapolate correctly from the OP. Mea culpa.

I think it's cheating, too.

 

[Gardener]

*Mugs and talks in deep voice*

What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Oh, wait: What we've got here is a failure by MaggieD to extrapolate correctly from the OP. Mea culpa.

I think it's cheating, too.

If there are any actual opinion polls out there, I would be interested in the methodology. In order to be reputable, they would need to select from a representational mix of men rather than just basing it on those who volunteered a response at a web site.

Ask 100 18 year olds who visit ok cupid.com and you will have one sort of response. Ask 100 60 year old men visiting a religious site and you will have another.

My gut tells me that the results in any case would be heavily influenced by age, the number of men indicating it was all just perfectly fine dropping with age.

 

[MMC]

If there are any actual opinion polls out there, I would be interested in the methodology. In order to be reputable, they would need to select from a representational mix of men rather than just basing it on those who volunteered a response at a web site.

Ask 100 18 year olds who visit ok cupid.com and you will have one sort of response. Ask 100 60 year old men visiting a religious site and you will have another.

My gut tells me that the results in any case would be heavily influenced by age, the number of men indicating it was all just perfectly fine dropping with age.

Yeah I would have to agree and those older. Wouldn't be so interested in new technology. Not when it comes to try and spell out a thought or two. :mrgreen:

 

[Gardener]

Yeah I would have to agree and those older.

Speaking of older, I am now at the age when I am increasingly confident that were there a poll of women asking them of their reaction to my sexting them, 99% would say the thought was completely disgusting.

It might rise to 100% depending upon the asylum in question.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Yes.

Next obvious question?

 

[TheGirlNextDoor]

Yes.

Next obvious question?

That's what I thought too. Apparently it's not so obvious to others. ?

 

[Jerry]

Is Sexting cheating on your partner. In polls men are less apt to think this is a form of cheating. Women on the other hand, like over 80% think it is cheating on a partner. Your take?

It's undoubtedly cheating, yes.

 

[NoC_T]

Is Sexting cheating on your partner. In polls men are less apt to think this is a form of cheating. Women on the other hand, like over 80% think it is cheating on a partner. Your take?

It's a betrayal of trust, certainly. I don't know that I'd go so far as to call it cheating, that entailing a physical component, but it's most definitely duplicitous. Of course the technicalities are likely to be lost on the injured party.

 

[Jango]

Yes, it is cheating.

 

[vasuderatorrent]

Even if it's strictly cerebral.

That is an awesome description of the situation. I never heard the term cerebral sex. This a very impressive use of the English language.

 

[vasuderatorrent]

Establishing it is cheating on ones partner......and if being with someone for a long time. Would it be enough to end that relationship with you.

Yes or no. Time.....anything over 3 years and or if Married. Would it end the Marriage and or your relationship with your significant other? Would you walk away with whatever you have with your significant other? Over sexting.

I can speak from experience on this. I have engaged in online sex on hundreds of occasions. I think sexting includes sending naked photos. I've never done that. As far as sending instant messages back and forth to strangers which is sexual in nature and is done while simultenously masturbating. I have done this hundreds of times and my wife knows about it. In real life I have only had sex with one person which is my current wife. This excludes an one stand 5 years before I knew my wife. I live a very conservative lifestyle and frequently attend a Southern Baptist Church.

She hates the fact that I engage in cerebral sex with strangers who by the way may be male or female. One never really knows. In this sense it is very anonymous. She accepts it as a weakness much akin to someone viewing pornography. It isn't a deal breaker. However I think there would be a great deal of hell to pay if I were to have sexual intercourse with somebody.

From a health perspective this is a no-brainer. Physical adultery can result from dangerous STD's. Masturbating from the thoughts of a person who lives thousands of miles away from you offers no immediate physical harm to you or your spouse.