At 25, do I have to start considering dating women with children?

[opendebate]

In other posts, I've made clear that there are always exceptions to the "rules." I've never been about casual dating. I actually pretty much hate the dating scene. I'm not saying I don't like going out and having a good time. I just find that dating someone you've met once or twice to be very awkward and such.

I've always felt exactly the same way. It's sooooo awkward. Why would I want to be trapped at a restaurant and then a car ride with someone I realized 5 minutes in I had no connection with. Do things your way, what makes sense and works naturally for YOU.

 

[DashingAmerican]

I wouldn't know - are single women with children the only type of single women you know?

Sounds like - instead of making this about your preference to date a woman who doesn't have kids (because, though I've been that single mom, I really don't blame you) . . . it should not be hard to find, though. So perhaps how you're going about meeting new people is the issue.

Maybe you need to step away from your routine (however it is you expect to possibly meet someone) and set about things differently in regard to relationships in general.

I will say a few things, though, on the general topic:
1) Baby's-father may or may not be a concern. If you're interested enough in that general issue - you could ask. I was divorced and didn't see my ex but a few times while I was single. He was rarely around, not a factor in anything at all - ever. No contact, no phone calls, nothing. Only when I married my now husband years later did my husband insist on getting any sort of child support from him . . . then he was involved for a while - but still, never in person. (Aka: I didn't even want to get involved with my children's bio-father)

2) If you meet the perfect woman and find she has a child - how much will that affect things? So many elements from why she's single (maybe he died and she's living on his life insurance? - or perhaps it was a one-night stand. Maybe their marriage ended amicably and they get along just fine. Maybe the kid is much older.) In my experience: the reason for being a single mom mattered a lot. I was single because my ex husband became a drug addict and I took the kids and left him.

3) For 2 years I dated a guy and in the beginning of our relationship, before he even asked me out, he brought up his interest to be involved with me, and shared with me his concerns about why I was single, how much my ex might become involved, and what I wanted out of a relationship. I did NOT want a father - I didn't want a boyfriend involved with the kids. I wanted a relationship that was separate from my life so I could see to my own emotional and personal needs and NOT become concerned with things getting heavier. I didn't want to face marriage again, or a tense and serious crazy relationship. It was only quite some time later that he even met the kids.

Well, I work. A. LOT. Literally 7 days a week, most weeks. So, while single moms aren't the only type of single women I know, I don't really have a lot of time to go out and meet other people.

If I meet the perfect woman, it won't matter a bit. Though, I don't really believe that people have perfect mates in the sense that they met all of the "requirements." I think it's more along the lines of them "growing in" to one another.

I don't want people to get me wrong; I love kids, going into Child Services or teaching, one.

 

[DashingAmerican]

I've always felt exactly the same way. It's sooooo awkward. Why would I want to be trapped at a restaurant and then a car ride with someone I realized 5 minutes in I had no connection with. Do things your way, what makes sense and works naturally for YOU.

Haha like I said, my way is the hard way.

Step 1: Get friend zoned.
Step 2: Smash at friend zone with sledgehammer.
Step 3: Rinse and repeat.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

Well, I work. A. LOT. Literally 7 days a week, most weeks. So, while single moms aren't the only type of single women I know, I don't really have a lot of time to go out and meet other people.

If I meet the perfect woman, it won't matter a bit. Though, I don't really believe that people have perfect mates in the sense that they met all of the "requirements." I think it's more along the lines of them "growing in" to one another.

I don't want people to get me wrong; I love kids, going into Child Services or teaching, one.

Well your concern makes sense - but I think the biggest issue in your way is your busy life. Single women without kids outnumber singles with kids - so it's just your limitation that's created this pickle for you.

Sounds to me like you don't even have time for a relationship at all - kids or no kids - they take time, and if you're working 7 days a week sometimes, then maybe it's time for a new job (if it's that important to you)

 

[opendebate]

Haha like I said, my way is the hard way.

Step 1: Get friend zoned.
Step 2: Smash at friend zone with sledgehammer.
Step 3: Rinse and repeat.

It's easy to not get friend zoned.

 

[notquiteright]

I married my wife by "date" 5............

10 years later.... Still married.

I knew my wife 6 months, lived to together approx 3 of them before we married. Been 26 years now. Sad thing is we are quite often the longest married couple in any social group we mix with. She already had a kid, but she also had a career so no desperation in her life plan. her Ex was too busy with his career to be an issue, she told her kid, obey or be spanked- I never had any real problems with the girl.

Justa general thought- Ya can't make hard n fast rules, can't make blanket statements, the army taught me the best laid, cleverly crafted plans fall apart at the first contact with reality. People who knew me back in the day and the skirt I chased would never have laid money on me marrying who I did, now 26 years later no one can see it any other way. eace

 

[Fisher]

What I find offensive is the ignorance of your reply to an apparently serious question, but, hey, if it's the best you can do...

When you live in highly populated areas, you are more likely to find women across the age brackets who are not married, have no kids, and are not psycho. They have simply put other things first. The smaller the population pool, the smaller that pool of women (or men for that matter) are. I may have been blunt, but I am not the one displaying ignorance.

 

[windowdressing]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

if I saw someone I was attracted to, and then enjoyed being with them, and the kids didn't make life miserable for us, why would I give up being with someone I liked a lot?

 

[windowdressing]

Only if she's smokin' hot.

Seriously, by the time you're serious with a gal who has children, you've already worked out those baby-daddy issues, yes? I mean it's not like you're going to marry them on Date #2, is it? Why rule them out for dating??

wise words ... story ... had a friend, married, knew them both well, they got a divorce, in part because she wanted children, he didn't ... SO, she remarried, couldn't get pregnant, adopted, very happy ... a few years later he too hooked with someone he fell in love with and she had THREE KIDS in tow .. they been happy for 15-20 years, adores the children ... ya never know ...

 

[notquiteright]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

I dated quite a bit before I got tired of my own cooking... several women were plus 1 or 2. baby daddies never were a big issue with me, if they weren't huge douche bag losers to begin with they would still be there. Nothing says in your face asswipe like answering the door in your sweats with the morning cuppa while the kids gather their stuff for the weekend with the Ex. if you are still in the 'it's all about me' phase so that sick kids and Exs who can't get the kids means you can't play with the mommy on the dining room table tonight- well you are not ready for marriage and kids anyways I reckon.

Can tell you this, if you are too hard and fast in your rules, life has a funny way of inserting them in your 4th point of contact. Adapt and overcome. Quite often it is from a direction totally unexpected that both trouble and reward come. go with the flow.

Isn't there a line about, 'want to make God laugh? Tell Her your plans.'

Best of luck to you. eace

 

[windowdressing]

When you live in highly populated areas, you are more likely to find women across the age brackets who are not married, have no kids, and are not psycho. They have simply put other things first. The smaller the population pool, the smaller that pool of women (or men for that matter) are. I may have been blunt, but I am not the one displaying ignorance.

next time pick Mississippi ...

 

[Fisher]

next time pick Mississippi ...

Doesn't change the issue. It is like looking for a 60 year old virgin--sure they exist but you are going to be near the tip of the demographic funnel if you find one. You'd be just as well off looking for a bigfoot who was into gay S&M. I have a 32 year old sister who is unmarried and without children. She doesn't ever want children which is a good thing considering most of her attempts at having pets become my pets in a matter of months, if not weeks. She refuses to put herself in a situation where accidental pregnancy is more likely and can't find a single, non-psycho childless man who is willing to get snipped in our area. It is just a matter of how big the pool of candidates are and they get smaller and smaller as you age. I am sure she could find one if she moved to a big city, but not in my small southern city. sure they exist as well, but if you don't already know them, odds are you are not going to meet them.

 

[justabubba]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

we all have baggage; single moms may be inclined to have more, but not necessarily
why limit the field and exclude someone who could be a great find

the issue i had while dating single women with children was that i usually developed a rapport with the kid(s)
and then when the romance went nowhere, i felt bad for having to abandon the children with whom i had also established a relationship

your question makes as much sense to me as asking if you should avoid dating red heads, or women who have a particular body shape, or work in a specific industry. why allow such frivolous matters to prevent you from meeting the potential mrs right (as distinguished from mrs right-wing)
but if such minor issues are major difficulties for you, then do the single women with children a favor, avoid them at all costs

 

[Gipper]

You don't have to, but your potential pool drops considerably if you don't want a woman with a kid. Considerably.

 

[Monserrat]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

No. If you don't want a woman who already has a kid then don't date them but you might have to change your dating style in order to meet more potential women who fit into what you are looking for.

 

[Jerry]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

I'm 35 and it's a deal breaker for me because I don't want my kids feeling like I've replaced them.

 

[CanadaJohn]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

Try going to the abortion threads here on DP - you might connect with a woman without kids just looking for you.

 

[Monserrat]

Try going to the abortion threads here on DP - you might connect with a woman without kids just looking for you.

or he could ya know try a dating site where he can specifically look for women who don't have kids...

 

[ChrisL]

Seriously though why should anyone care? :shrug: You want to date a woman with kids? Do it. If you don't, then don't. Simple really. If you really cared about the woman, you both would try to make it work out either way.

 

[Monserrat]

Seriously though why should anyone care? :shrug: You want to date a woman with kids? Do it. If you don't, then don't. Simple really. If you really cared about the woman, you both would try to make it work out either way.

I think I would care if I had kids and a guy had no interest in dating me because of the kids.

 

[ChrisL]

I think I would care if I had kids and a guy had no interest in dating me because of the kids.

No I mean about his personal choice on dating women with children or not. Some people almost seem offended.

 

[Monserrat]

No I mean about his personal choice on dating women with children or not. Some people almost seem offended.

Oh, gotcha. I agree then, who cares? I prefer men who come with kids, I like children I'm looking for an older man and I'm not planning to have any kids myself (I've worked too hard on my body to ruin it with a pregnancy).

It's my personal preference, everyone's looking for different things in life.

 

[CanadaJohn]

or he could ya know try a dating site where he can specifically look for women who don't have kids...

DP is cheaper and the women here are generally nice

 

[CanadaJohn]

Seriously though why should anyone care? :shrug: You want to date a woman with kids? Do it. If you don't, then don't. Simple really. If you really cared about the woman, you both would try to make it work out either way.

I think the point the OP is making, and it really is a valid point, when you get involved with or marry a woman with children are you also getting involved with the father of the children - good or bad - even more so than a woman who's just divorced. There can be a lot of stress in a new marriage and having the father of the kids interferring or bad mouthing you to the kids or criticizing your parenting skills can sure put strain on a new marriage. Unless the woman is very strong and puts the biological father in his place, it can get very complicated.

And let's not forget that if it doesn't work out the man is likely going to be on the hook for child support going forward for children he didn't father and perhaps didn't adopt. All serious considerations for a young man.

 

[ChrisL]

I think the point the OP is making, and it really is a valid point, when you get involved with or marry a woman with children are you also getting involved with the father of the children - good or bad - even more so than a woman who's just divorced. There's can be a lot of stress in a new marriage and having the father of the kids interferring or bad mouthing you to the kids or criticizing our parenting skills can sure put strain on a new marriage. Unless the woman is very strong and puts the biological father in his place, it can get very complicated.

Well of course, every situation is different, and even a relationship without children could have potential complications.