At 25, do I have to start considering dating women with children?

[DashingAmerican]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

 

[Fisher]

Probably so in Alabama. Not in big cities.

 

[AlabamaPaul]

Probably so in Alabama. Not in big cities.

What a stupid ****ing reply...

 

[rocket88]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

No you don't. In fact at 25, I'd steer clear of single moms your age. But I'd really say that you shouldn't put that kind of label on people and decide you're not going to date them before you even know them.

 

[MaggieD]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

Only if she's smokin' hot.

Seriously, by the time you're serious with a gal who has children, you've already worked out those baby-daddy issues, yes? I mean it's not like you're going to marry them on Date #2, is it? Why rule them out for dating??

 

[Fisher]

What a stupid ****ing reply...

Wouldn't be the first time people in Alabama found the truth offensive. If he asked the question, then it is obvious that the pool of other women is drying up :2wave:

 

[AlabamaPaul]

Wouldn't be the first time people in Alabama found the truth offensive. If he asked the question, then it is obvious that the pool of other women is drying up :2wave:

What I find offensive is the ignorance of your reply to an apparently serious question, but, hey, if it's the best you can do...

 

[MaggieD]

What I find offensive is the ignorance of your reply to an apparently serious question, but, hey, if it's the best you can do...

Really? I didn't think he was being rude. When you live in a state that has more rural than metro areas . . . that's how I took it. (Sorry to butt in . . . ) Illinois has three times the population of Alabama -- that's how I took it.

 

[AlabamaPaul]

Really? I didn't think he was being rude. When you live in a state that has more rural than metro areas . . . that's how I took it. (Sorry to butt in . . . ) Illinois has three times the population of Alabama -- that's how I took it.

The State in which the OP resides obviously influenced the reply. It was moronic and as previously posted, ****ing stupid...

 

[Josie]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

You don't have to consider anyone you don't want to consider. There are many women your age who don't have children. You just have to seek them out.

 

[WI Crippler]

Do what one of my officers told me (and I ignored). Date around until 35, then marry one 10 years younger than you.

 

[DashingAmerican]

Only if she's smokin' hot.

Seriously, by the time you're serious with a gal who has children, you've already worked out those baby-daddy issues, yes? I mean it's not like you're going to marry them on Date #2, is it? Why rule them out for dating??

True enough. I guess I'm very peculiar. I don't like dating people that I don't know. Does that make sense. In a way I like to do it the hard way, because I usually only date people who I've known a while, thus pretty much fighting the friendzone the whole way.

 

[Goshin]

:shrug: It is what it is. If you don't want to deal with a woman who has a child or two, then it is probably better for EVERYONE that you choose not to.

 

[clownboy]

You're probably still golden, although your limits have always restricted your choices. But at 25, figure a 5 year age difference either way, the pool is still plenty large of unmarried women without children.

But really, Ex-partners are a problem at almost any age regardless of child or childless. Here's one thing you might not have considered. A little truism I have personally found in life - women in my experinece, don't finalize their personalities until they've had a child. That person you're exploring a long term relationship with? You don't have a chance of knowing who they are or how they'll be long term until they've had a child.

 

[specklebang]

I suspect that this post won't make me any friends but I'll take some risk here and share what I have experienced.

Women with children are usually in a desperate situation. It takes 2 people to make a baby and it takes 2 people to adequately nurture one. Men are usually the ones who make a break for it abandoning their woman and their child. Now, the woman must raise the child and provide for the child. This requires suupr-human effort. Even if the woman has a high income, she can not be in 2 places at the same time. So it's either short the job or short the child. If the woman has a low income, she is in double trouble. Day care will consume the majority of her income and the child will be without parental love and care, raised by strangers.

So, the "single mom" is terribly vulnerable. She may choose someone that is not at all appropriate because she is desperate to see her child get the love and attention that the child require.

I have had "girlfriends" who were as much as 40 years younger than me. Do I think for one moment that they were "attracted" to me? Sure, I';m a nice guy and I can hold a conversation and I'm loyal, protective etc. etc. But realistically all they saw in me was economic salvation. And these were decent people, not sluts by any means.

So, don't let it be a deal-breaker. But do make sure that the mutuality isn't based on sheer economics unless, of course, you are OK with that. You can usually get a girl far out of your "looks" class by accepting the child. Long-term though, she might be with you for the wrong reason.

 

[polgara]

Really? I didn't think he was being rude. When you live in a state that has more rural than metro areas . . . that's how I took it. (Sorry to butt in . . . ) Illinois has three times the population of Alabama -- that's how I took it.

Greetings, MaggieD. :2wave:

The first sentence was indeed rude to the people who live in Alabama, a State where AP lives. What would Fisher's reaction be to reading the same about the State he lives in? :2mad:

 

[opendebate]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

I would say first of all, we are all different and making a blanket policy about dating could cause you to lose an opportunity. It also depends on the woman, the child, the father and you. What you are looking for? A serious relationship or a casual one? Finding someone you think you have a chance of having a genuine, quality and possibly lasting relationship is not easy so if you are looking for that then I would approach it casually while you learn if all the other issues are going to be a problem for you. That's the only way to know for sure.

 

[Goshin]

You're probably still golden, although your limits have always restricted your choices. But at 25, figure a 5 year age difference either way, the pool is still plenty large of unmarried women without children.

But really, Ex-partners are a problem at almost any age regardless of child or childless. Here's one thing you might not have considered. A little truism I have personally found in life - women in my experinece, don't finalize their personalities until they've had a child. That person you're exploring a long term relationship with? You don't have a chance of knowing who they are or how they'll be long term until they've had a child.

You have a certain amount of point there. Not sure I entirely agree, but there is something to that.

 

[Goshin]

I suspect that this post won't make me any friends but I'll take some risk here and share what I have experienced.

Women with children are usually in a desperate situation. It takes 2 people to make a baby and it takes 2 people to adequately nurture one. Men are usually the ones who make a break for it abandoning their woman and their child. Now, the woman must raise the child and provide for the child. This requires suupr-human effort. Even if the woman has a high income, she can not be in 2 places at the same time. So it's either short the job or short the child. If the woman has a low income, she is in double trouble. Day care will consume the majority of her income and the child will be without parental love and care, raised by strangers.

So, the "single mom" is terribly vulnerable. She may choose someone that is not at all appropriate because she is desperate to see her child get the love and attention that the child require.

I have had "girlfriends" who were as much as 40 years younger than me. Do I think for one moment that they were "attracted" to me? Sure, I';m a nice guy and I can hold a conversation and I'm loyal, protective etc. etc. But realistically all they saw in me was economic salvation. And these were decent people, not sluts by any means.

So, don't let it be a deal-breaker. But do make sure that the mutuality isn't based on sheer economics unless, of course, you are OK with that. You can usually get a girl far out of your "looks" class by accepting the child. Long-term though, she might be with you for the wrong reason.

Lotta truth in that, too.

 

[clownboy]

You have a certain amount of point there. Not sure I entirely agree, but there is something to that.

Yeah, I haven't quite come up with the words that fit right so I stumbled around a bit. I just know that every women I've ever known is a different person (a more finished person?) after their first child was born. Personality change. Doesn't mean they're instantly mature or suddenly a responsible person, just different, more finished and focused.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

I wouldn't. 25 is still pretty damn young. Even people who like and want kids usually have very bad luck with people who have pre-existing kids who are on the younger side (and they'll definitely be young, if she's in her 20's).

It isn't just the "baby daddy" issues, which are major enough in and of themselves. It's that she's probably not going to be very available to you. What people who date people with kids have told me is that they wind up feeling like they are unimportant to the childed person, lagging miles behind their children, and the other parent of those children. They feel like they're just being used for free babysitting.

Why should you be a second class citizen in your own relationship? As an unchilded person, you have a lot to offer in terms of your time and energy, and a partner will be very important to you. But you're probably not going to be very important to a woman who has young kids.

This doesn't change until you start getting to an age where people's children are teens, or already moved out. At that point, they're ready to have their life back, and they have the TIME to have their life back, and whatever "baby mama/daddy" issues there were are so far in the past it doesn't matter anymore. So if you were, say, 40 or 50, then that'd be different

But at this point? I'd steer clear. It's 100 times more drama than anyone wants in their life, and you deserve to be with someone who cares as much as you do, and can put in the effort that you can.

 

[lolabird]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

Don't you already know the answer to your question?

 

[Caine]

Only if she's smokin' hot.

Seriously, by the time you're serious with a gal who has children, you've already worked out those baby-daddy issues, yes? I mean it's not like you're going to marry them on Date #2, is it? Why rule them out for dating??

I married my wife by "date" 5............

10 years later.... Still married.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

Usually this is a deal breaker for me. It's not so much the kid; it's having to deal with the baby daddy and all of that baggage.

I wouldn't know - are single women with children the only type of single women you know?

Sounds like - instead of making this about your preference to date a woman who doesn't have kids (because, though I've been that single mom, I really don't blame you) . . . it should not be hard to find, though. So perhaps how you're going about meeting new people is the issue.

Maybe you need to step away from your routine (however it is you expect to possibly meet someone) and set about things differently in regard to relationships in general.

I will say a few things, though, on the general topic:
1) Baby's-father may or may not be a concern. If you're interested enough in that general issue - you could ask. I was divorced and didn't see my ex but a few times while I was single. He was rarely around, not a factor in anything at all - ever. No contact, no phone calls, nothing. Only when I married my now husband years later did my husband insist on getting any sort of child support from him . . . then he was involved for a while - but still, never in person. (Aka: I didn't even want to get involved with my children's bio-father)

2) If you meet the perfect woman and find she has a child - how much will that affect things? So many elements from why she's single (maybe he died and she's living on his life insurance? - or perhaps it was a one-night stand. Maybe their marriage ended amicably and they get along just fine. Maybe the kid is much older.) In my experience: the reason for being a single mom mattered a lot. I was single because my ex husband became a drug addict and I took the kids and left him.

3) For 2 years I dated a guy and in the beginning of our relationship, before he even asked me out, he brought up his interest to be involved with me, and shared with me his concerns about why I was single, how much my ex might become involved, and what I wanted out of a relationship. I did NOT want a father - I didn't want a boyfriend involved with the kids. I wanted a relationship that was separate from my life so I could see to my own emotional and personal needs and NOT become concerned with things getting heavier. I didn't want to face marriage again, or a tense and serious crazy relationship. It was only quite some time later that he even met the kids.

 

[DashingAmerican]

I would say first of all, we are all different and making a blanket policy about dating could cause you to lose an opportunity. It also depends on the woman, the child, the father and you. What you are looking for? A serious relationship or a casual one? Finding someone you think you have a chance of having a genuine, quality and possibly lasting relationship is not easy so if you are looking for that then I would approach it casually while you learn if all the other issues are going to be a problem for you. That's the only way to know for sure.

In other posts, I've made clear that there are always exceptions to the "rules." I've never been about casual dating. I actually pretty much hate the dating scene. I'm not saying I don't like going out and having a good time. I just find that dating someone you've met once or twice to be very awkward and such.