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Should you have to work at marriage?

tacomancer

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Maybe its just my experience in this, but so far my marriage has been pretty much great from day 1. I haven't really had to work at it and my wife tells me that she doesn't either. We are both quite happy and don't really put any special effort into it while having an absolutely wonderful time, pretty much all the time, unless one of us is cranky due to some outside influence.

I have heard from multiple people that will outright say that there is something wrong with a marriage if you don't have to work at it. That marriage should be a challenge sometimes to keep you on your toes. Whats your opinion?
 

Gipper

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My opinion is that if you're married to the person you're supposed to be, you don't have to "work" at it. Working at marriage is etymology for two people that shouldn't be married due to character/belief traits that are wildly incompatible.
 
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when you say work at it... do you mean to spice things up a bit or keep the flow how its going because you're comfortable with it?
 

tacomancer

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when you say work at it... do you mean to spice things up a bit or keep the flow how its going because you're comfortable with it?
Things stay pretty spicy on their own. Being married to her is often very exciting, but I do nothing to make it that way.
 

Commoncents

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Marriage is a constant lesson in life. Times change.People change.Values change. The willingness to adapt to change will indeed require work no matter how great your S.O. is or how great you think you are for each other IMHO. No one can predict the future all you can do is deal with it as it becomes the present.
 

Commoncents

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Maybe its just my experience in this, but so far my marriage has been pretty much great from day 1. I haven't really had to work at it and my wife tells me that she doesn't either. We are both quite happy and don't really put any special effort into it while having an absolutely wonderful time, pretty much all the time, unless one of us is cranky due to some outside influence.

I have heard from multiple people that will outright say that there is something wrong with a marriage if you don't have to work at it. That marriage should be a challenge sometimes to keep you on your toes. Whats your opinion?
How long have you been married if you dont mind me asking?
 

Jetboogieman

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Everything about marriage I learned from Al Bundy so I'll just give yah this for kicks :mrgreen:

 

Harry Guerrilla

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Maybe its just my experience in this, but so far my marriage has been pretty much great from day 1. I haven't really had to work at it and my wife tells me that she doesn't either. We are both quite happy and don't really put any special effort into it while having an absolutely wonderful time, pretty much all the time, unless one of us is cranky due to some outside influence.

I have heard from multiple people that will outright say that there is something wrong with a marriage if you don't have to work at it. That marriage should be a challenge sometimes to keep you on your toes. Whats your opinion?
For the first 7-8 years of my marriage, my wife and I were in a constant state of struggle, with both of our families.
Our relationship, at that time, was about protecting each other from them.

When that ended, it shook things up quite a bit.
We weren't used to not being troubled by the constant drama and we didn't always have to come together as team to defend ourselves from that nonsense.

She and I have had to learn what it's like to be happy without drama.
It can be difficult.
 
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tacomancer

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For the first 7-8 years of my marriage, my wife and I were in a constant state of struggle, with both of our families.
Our relationship, at that time, was about protecting each other from them.

When that ended, it shook things up quite a bit.
We weren't used to not being troubled by the constant drama and we didn't always have to come together as team to defend ourselves from that nonsense.

She and I have had to learn what it's like to be happy without drama.
It can be difficult.
My wife and I spent about 3-4 months fighting when we first started living together. Mainly this was an adjustment period as both of us needed to change our habits to accomidate the fact that it was just a single person. Those first few months were almost always either fighting or other activities. However, she learned to be direct with me and I learned to act like it was more than just me at stake.
 

Jetboogieman

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My wife and I spent about 3-4 months fighting when we first started living together. Mainly this was an adjustment period as both of us needed to change our habits to accomidate the fact that it was just a single person. Those first few months were almost always either fighting or other activities. However, she learned to be direct with me and I learned to act like it was more than just me at stake.
When I moved in with my ex (we lived together for a year) we had a hard time adjusting to living together too. Just one of those things. It was pretty much school, sleeping, sex and fighting for about the time you described...

Although having said that, sometimes it was debate over a subject such a politics, such debates rival some of the greatest ever had here :2razz:

If I had to actually comment on your OP. I'd say this, don't syke yourself out over the fact that it's good. Don't fix what ain't broken :)
 
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well i have to say its a good thing that things have always been spicy on their own. im truly happy for you!! but like jetboogie said.. dont fix what aint broken.... lol but you could always make things better for the moment so go out more to places think of things as if you were a teen again... where would you take a date when you know you didn't have cash...picnics at the park, a stroll through a park...walking dogs and just chatting. dont lose or forget your inner child its what will make her feel happy again. take her to a baseball, soccer, basketball, or football game. go on little dates to the movies and dinner a 2in1 lol.
 

Harry Guerrilla

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My wife and I spent about 3-4 months fighting when we first started living together. Mainly this was an adjustment period as both of us needed to change our habits to accomidate the fact that it was just a single person. Those first few months were almost always either fighting or other activities. However, she learned to be direct with me and I learned to act like it was more than just me at stake.
Oh yea, we definitely went through that.

The hella ton of fighting and sex episode. :lol:
 

tacomancer

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If I had to actually comment on your OP. I'd say this, don't syke yourself out over the fact that it's good. Don't fix what ain't broken :)
I guess the reason I am curious is that it seems my life goes against the common wisdom. If my wife and I implemented half the stuff that most married people advise, we would probably be at each other's throats.

Examples include:
1. You shouldn't be too much alike, thats boring (my wife and I are VERY much alike, to the point of having the same comment about things at the same time in those eerie moments)
2. Your best friends should be outside the marriage (my wife and I are both very introverted and I tend to find the effort involved in maintaining most friends to be more of burden over not developing a relationship)
3. You can't spend all your time together (we pretty much do, unless I am on a business trip or there is some other scheduled thing we have to do)
 

Gipper

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I've always been attracted to women I am very much alike to. I think "opposites attract" is the biggest lie going these days.
 

Jetboogieman

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I've always been attracted to women I am very much alike to. I think "opposites attract" is the biggest lie going these days.
In many ways I'm beggining to agree...

Sometimes people compliment eachother. Like for example, I might not care that my girlfriend is shy, I'm not, and so in that way I compliment her and allow her to not be shy. Stuff like that.
 

MaggieD

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Maybe its just my experience in this, but so far my marriage has been pretty much great from day 1. I haven't really had to work at it and my wife tells me that she doesn't either. We are both quite happy and don't really put any special effort into it while having an absolutely wonderful time, pretty much all the time, unless one of us is cranky due to some outside influence.

I have heard from multiple people that will outright say that there is something wrong with a marriage if you don't have to work at it. That marriage should be a challenge sometimes to keep you on your toes. Whats your opinion?
A marriage shouldn't be a challenge any more than keeping a best friend should be a challenge. Sure, there may be times when two people have to "work hard" to get through something, but day-to-day, year-to-year, I think it ought to be a pretty much effortless clear sailing partnership.

As to being more alike than different in personality, I don't think one can generalize about that. Often, two people fall in love because they admire differences rather than similarities...part of the chemistry. As an example, a shy person may end up being crazy in love with a complete extrovert. And they'll complement each other. One may be quick to anger; the other more patient, each complementing and tempering the other.

Where I think people must be alike is in life's values and morality. If two people get together and each has a different moral compass, I guarantee sparks are going to fly. And then, talk about having to work at a relationship....yikes.
 

BamaBrat

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I guess the reason I am curious is that it seems my life goes against the common wisdom. If my wife and I implemented half the stuff that most married people advise, we would probably be at each other's throats.

Examples include:
1. You shouldn't be too much alike, thats boring (my wife and I are VERY much alike, to the point of having the same comment about things at the same time in those eerie moments)
2. Your best friends should be outside the marriage (my wife and I are both very introverted and I tend to find the effort involved in maintaining most friends to be more of burden over not developing a relationship)
3. You can't spend all your time together (we pretty much do, unless I am on a business trip or there is some other scheduled thing we have to do)
I think the phrase "work at your marriage" is kind of misleading. To me, all that means is work on making time for each other and on communicating with each other to stay connected. But the three things you mentioned, I have in my marriage as well. We spend most all of our time together, we are a lot alike, and he is my best friend. I dont think thats as uncommon as you think. I think thats thats a number one thing that makes good marriages.

I guess what I am trying to say is this. We dont think of making sure that we spend time with our spouse as "work" because its what we "want" to do. But what happens is when you stop making sure you are spending time with that person, when you let life dictate your schedule and not YOU, thats when marriages start to fall apart because you arent communicating or spending time together. So, it is work making sure that you put your spouse and your marriage first, but it doesnt feel like work when a marriage is working the way it should be.
 
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liblady

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Maybe its just my experience in this, but so far my marriage has been pretty much great from day 1. I haven't really had to work at it and my wife tells me that she doesn't either. We are both quite happy and don't really put any special effort into it while having an absolutely wonderful time, pretty much all the time, unless one of us is cranky due to some outside influence.

I have heard from multiple people that will outright say that there is something wrong with a marriage if you don't have to work at it. That marriage should be a challenge sometimes to keep you on your toes. Whats your opinion?
tell you what......i've been married since i was 19, and now i'm 51. you have to work at marriage.
 

Catz Part Deux

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I have heard from multiple people that will outright say that there is something wrong with a marriage if you don't have to work at it. That marriage should be a challenge sometimes to keep you on your toes. Whats your opinion?
I think that if you're doing it right, it shouldn't be that hard. That's what I concluded after 12 years of the most miserable marriage, ever. Some things just shouldn't be that hard.

So, when I started dating again, I looked for someone easy.
 

roughdraft274

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IDK, my fiance and I have been dating since we were 17, going on 8 years now, living together for a year now, and getting married in December. Over that time there hasn't been a single argument that I can remember where either of us got the slightest bit heated over. Goofy **** like what size tv we need and crap like that comprise all of our arguments. We both love the same stuff, have the same political beliefs and religious beliefs. I've never understood the opposites attract stuff. With that said though, we both trust eachother alot, she goes out to movies with her girlfriends every week or so, I go over to my friends house for a game of poker every now and then and there's none of that childish jealousy that neither of us can stand. I can't imagine marriage is much different from living together and sharing expenses and what not.

I would work at our relationship if need be but I like not having too.
 

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I think that if you're doing it right, it shouldn't be that hard. That's what I concluded after 12 years of the most miserable marriage, ever. Some things just shouldn't be that hard.

So, when I started dating again, I looked for someone easy.
it's not that it's HARD, it's just that sometimes it's not easy. i don't love everything about my husband, but i love my husband. wouldn't trade him for anything but a billionaire, and then i'd just keep him on the side.
 

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I don't have to work at my marriage, but my wife sure does.
 
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