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Should you have to work at marriage?

Hoplite

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Yes, absolutely. People change and grow as they get old. If you dont work on your marriage, you'll never adapt it to fit the people you become.
 

Aunt Spiker

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In late - - but it's simple. If your marriage is rough, you might have to work out some things. If it's not rough then you don't have things to work out.

There's no one 'right marriage formula' to follow or a checklist to go down to see to it that *your* marriage measures up to someone else's standards. If it works for you then it works for you.
 

Gipper

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Hoplite said:
Yes, absolutely. People change and grow as they get old. If you dont work on your marriage, you'll never adapt it to fit the people you become.

I'd be upset if the one I married changed that drastically over time. Maybe this is just the voice of someone in his really early 30s, but I view marriage as a contract - one that can be voided unilaterally if the terms of the contract change.

I could understand divorcing someone if they suddenly became incredibly unattentive, became really out of shape, lost a lot of money, or drastically altered their personality - all because that's not what you married into. You altered the contract. You were sold a package that essentially should not change.

Now, obviously people change in marginal measures, but to just do a near-180 over any certain amount of time would rather upset me, I believe.
 

Catz Part Deux

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I'd be upset if the one I married changed that drastically over time. Maybe this is just the voice of someone in his really early 30s, but I view marriage as a contract - one that can be voided unilaterally if the terms of the contract change.

I could understand divorcing someone if they suddenly became incredibly unattentive, became really out of shape, lost a lot of money, or drastically altered their personality - all because that's not what you married into. You altered the contract. You were sold a package that essentially should not change.

Now, obviously people change in marginal measures, but to just do a near-180 over any certain amount of time would rather upset me, I believe.

What if your beloved was injured in a car accident and confined to a wheelchair?
 

Gipper

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Well, I guess that would be different mainly because an accident is just that - an accident. Any of the other things I mentioned are results of decisions made under one's own volition.

Besides, a wheelchair might be a bit of a disability but it's not like his or her life pretty much unofficially ended. It's a far stretch from having to wipe the drool off someone's chin 24/7 or someone unable to communicate or understand English.

I wish I could tell you. I'd have to be put in that situation. I gladly accept the fact that I'm not exactly known for patience, but I'm not completely lacking compassion or a heart. I'd like to say I would stay. If it was someone I vowed to spend my life with for better or worse, sickness and health, blah blah blah I would hope He grants me the strength to do so.

Or I could just say "of course I would" and assume it'll never happen.
 

Catz Part Deux

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Well, I guess that would be different mainly because an accident is just that - an accident. Any of the other things I mentioned are results of decisions made under one's own volition.

Besides, a wheelchair might be a bit of a disability but it's not like his or her life pretty much unofficially ended. It's a far stretch from having to wipe the drool off someone's chin 24/7 or someone unable to communicate or understand English.

I wish I could tell you. I'd have to be put in that situation. I gladly accept the fact that I'm not exactly known for patience, but I'm not completely lacking compassion or a heart. I'd like to say I would stay. If it was someone I vowed to spend my life with for better or worse, sickness and health, blah blah blah I would hope He grants me the strength to do so.

Or I could just say "of course I would" and assume it'll never happen.

So, basically, your wedding vows would be something along the lines of, "For richer, but not for poorer; for better, but not for worse; in health (but you're ****ed if you get sick) as long as you still look hot."

;)
 

Hoplite

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I'd be upset if the one I married changed that drastically over time. Maybe this is just the voice of someone in his really early 30s, but I view marriage as a contract - one that can be voided unilaterally if the terms of the contract change.

I could understand divorcing someone if they suddenly became incredibly unattentive, became really out of shape, lost a lot of money, or drastically altered their personality - all because that's not what you married into. You altered the contract. You were sold a package that essentially should not change.

Now, obviously people change in marginal measures, but to just do a near-180 over any certain amount of time would rather upset me, I believe.
About a year into my relationship with my fiancée (We are religiously married, but not legally) I discovered, after much soul searching, that I was polyamorous. She is not. Self discovery happens at many stages in life, sometimes it happens when you're young, sometimes when you're a little older, sometimes very late in life. We worked with that new development and it wasnt something that broke us up.

Even small subtle changes can make a person unappealing. But a marriage is like anything else in this world; if you dont work to maintain it, it's going to fall apart.

Human relationships in general need constant work, why should a marriage be any different?
 

Catz Part Deux

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I just hope the Gip never loses his hair. That might be a violation of the contract.
 

Caine

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Same here for me in many regards to:

being very much alike (that whole thing with making the same comment at the same time happens to us very often)
interested in similar hobbies (although Im not much of a book nook like she is, I like the idea of being a reader, I just lack the motivation)
spend most of our time with each other
etc.

We've been married since 19 years old, this January will be 8 years.

And things DO change, but you deal with them...
My wife gained some weight and stretch marks as a result of our children. While many shallow men might would gasp at this, I don't allow it to bother me when I couple that with the fact that she is an excellent mother, and losing some of her beauty to create our extremely beautiful children doesn't bother me a bit. Besides, its not like she can't ever lose that weight (C-section scars however, a little more difficult).

PS: I've become pale skinned and balding..... its not like I remain unchanged myself...
 

Gipper

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Catz said:
I just hope the Gip never loses his hair. That might be a violation of the contract.

Hair transplant. Permanent, and works. If you look at the hereditary curse amongst my uncles, you'd know why I've looked into it.

It's not a chance. It's a certainty.
 

liblady

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Hair transplant. Permanent, and works. If you look at the hereditary curse amongst my uncles, you'd know why I've looked into it.

It's not a chance. It's a certainty.

don't do it.......it never looks good.
 

Catz Part Deux

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Hair transplant. Permanent, and works. If you look at the hereditary curse amongst my uncles, you'd know why I've looked into it.

It's not a chance. It's a certainty.

Don't do it. My boyfriend's bald head is sooo sexy to me.

I think you will start to realize this, as you get older, and Caine's post hints at it...

In a longterm relationship, it is the little imperfections that often make your partner seem more attractive to you, rather than less.


And, Caine, that post was very sweet. :D
 

Gipper

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Bald is never sexy. Even Vin Diesel looks like a total douche.

Personally, I can't understand how he ever gets any trim.
 

roughdraft274

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Bald is never sexy. Even Vin Diesel looks like a total douche.

Personally, I can't understand how he ever gets any trim.

IDK, I'm shaving my head in January right after my wedding. I was cursed from the beginning. All of my mother's brother's (five of them) and my older brother all went bald by thirty or so. My hair is already thinning at 24 so I'm just cutting the **** off. Besides, it's too ****ing hot in Louisiana for hair, lol.
 

Catz Part Deux

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Bald is never sexy. Even Vin Diesel looks like a total douche.

Personally, I can't understand how he ever gets any trim.

Implants always look ridiculous. I can't even explain why I consider my boyfriend's big bald head so sexy...because it's him, I guess. I have a feeling he will always be sexy, even when he's old and gray(er).
 

Gipper

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I guess it does make me a little hypocritical. I don't "shave" my head but I buzz it to the point where you'd think I was in the military if I didn't have more of a physique comparable to a roadhouse bouncer. I started really thinning during my senior year of college and I simply could not handle it. That was why I had trouble turning 30, because I felt old already. Going bald in your 20s should not be something a man has to deal with.

I mean, it could be worse. I'm not at the Dr. Phil or Red Foreman from That 70s Show stage yet, but I'm looking at it dead in its eye.
 

MKULTRABOY

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Maybe its just my experience in this, but so far my marriage has been pretty much great from day 1. I haven't really had to work at it and my wife tells me that she doesn't either. We are both quite happy and don't really put any special effort into it while having an absolutely wonderful time, pretty much all the time, unless one of us is cranky due to some outside influence.

I have heard from multiple people that will outright say that there is something wrong with a marriage if you don't have to work at it. That marriage should be a challenge sometimes to keep you on your toes. Whats your opinion?

I've only had a handful of girlfriends, but each relationship lasted over a year and not one serious argument. I don't want a relationship with hardship and arguing. I dont have to have one either.
 

Catz Part Deux

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Bald is sexy, Gipper. Stop clinging to your hair and let your freak flag fly high.
 

Catz Part Deux

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I guess it does make me a little hypocritical. I don't "shave" my head but I buzz it to the point where you'd think I was in the military if I didn't have more of a physique comparable to a roadhouse bouncer. I started really thinning during my senior year of college and I simply could not handle it. That was why I had trouble turning 30, because I felt old already. Going bald in your 20s should not be something a man has to deal with.

I agree with you. J told me he started losing his in college, and that it sucked, but what can you do?

He keeps his very closely buzzed (of course, he is military), but I think that's the sexiest thing. I think that many women think bald guys are sexy, and just owning that your hair has vacated the premises, while difficult, is the best possible response.

And, no, 30 isn't old. I know a ton of 30ish guys with shaved heads, and it's f'ing sexy. In fact, one of the hottest girls in my office (25, legs for miles) is dating a guy who shaves his head. I think you underestimate how much women like bald heads.

I think hair loss for men is like having a big round ass for a woman. I've worried so much that I don't have tiny little boy hips, but instead, I have a round ass. It's not particularly large, but it isn't small, either. My boyfriend loves my ass, but that doesn't stop me from wishing it was slightly smaller.

We don't love you for your hair, we love you for you.
 

Gipper

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I still feel stigmatized though. Nobody likes to grow old, and for men it seems that balding is one of those tell-tale signs. Next thing you know, I'll need a blue pill and a strong breeze to get it up. Dear God, I may even turn Republican.

Who the hell wants to look forward to that?
 

Catz Part Deux

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I still feel stigmatized though. Nobody likes to grow old, and for men it seems that balding is one of those tell-tale signs. Next thing you know, I'll need a blue pill and a strong breeze to get it up. Dear God, I may even turn Republican.

Who the hell wants to look forward to that?

No offense, Gipper, but I enjoy my life about 1000% more at 44 than I did at 31. It gets better, not worse. Our youth-oriented culture has given people the impression that their lives are basically over at 30. Nothing can be further from the truth. My sex life is better at 44 than it was at 30. And the blue pill isn't necessary for him. He's 42.

No, you aren't in college anymore, but there is so much good about getting older...you make more money, you have more perks, you have more control over your own life, you start to relax, you aren't so eager and worried about being good enough all the time, you become really good at your job, and you start having more free time. I love my 40s.

Don't even get me started on the sex...it's "glory hallelujah i've just seen Jesus" good.

My mom was alway so stressed about the numbers....I think she was 39 for at least 15 years. It's so unnecessary.
 
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Baldness is to men, what fatness is to women.

:shrug:

Everybody's got their cross to deal with.
 

liblady

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Baldness is to men, what fatness is to women.

:shrug:

Everybody's got their cross to deal with.

except we can do something about being fat. my husband has kept his hair buzzed closely for quite a few years, i love the look. bald can be very sexy.
 

richardkirk

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Sounds like you are probably newlyweds! Don't worry, you'll come out of the stardust cloud you're in someday and find that just bitting your tongue will seem like hard work!
 

Gordon Lane

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except we can do something about being fat. .

Men have no options as far as hair loss is concerned?

Rogaine, Just For Men, et al say otherwise, no?
 
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