My daughter's first spanking

[SassySmartie]

Woah... your daughter sounds like a crazy little one. Most of the girls that I ever saw of that age were pretty calm. Playing in make believe worlds, doing art, socializing, etc.

Girls, like boys have their own personalities and can be just as rowdy as boys. I have 2 daughters. My oldest was more quiet, my youngest was a tornado, rough and tumble.

 

[SassySmartie]

I'm sorry you feel that way. As I've said, I stand by my methods and their results.

My son is now 17. I'm a big guy but he towers over me... and I've been teaching him martial arts since he could walk. If he felt resentment or hatred towards me for the way he was raised, he could probably take a chunk out of me for it.

We're not only father and son, we're close friends. He loves me and talks with me about everything. He's very polite and well-behaved, but also spirited and an independent thinker. He's a hard worker but also enjoys many past times that are just for fun. He seeks out my advice and actually listens and often implements it, something not too many modern parents of a teenager could boast.


He doesn't do these things because he fears me; at 17 he could leave and go live with his mother if he wanted to. She's offered... he just doesn't want to.


See part of the problem here is you aren't getting the big picture. The last time I spanked him he was probably 7, maybe 8. After that there was no need; he had learned the necessary lessons that are required to civilize the little savages most children begin as, and had become amenable to reason and responsive to lesser measures. At that point I gladly retired my belt and took up the job of building a boy-child into a man.

By the time he was 15, I pretty much treated him as if he were an adult. I expected him to be responsible and to act with forethought and reason, and he did. Therefore I allowed him to make most of his own decisions from that point, as long as he stayed within the "guard rails" of reasonable action. I have had no reason to regret doing so; he has uncommon good sense for a teenage boy.

I would say that without the loving closeness, your method might not work as well. The other poster expressed that her dad never talked to her, just spanked. You're talking about an overall method of parenting with careful discipline. Nothing bad about that and seems to have worked well with your family.

 

[Peter Grimm]

Happened today. Up till now it's been nothing but time outs, and the removal of positive reinforcement incentives, like candy, ice cream, or chocolate milk. Which typically works. She's terrified of time out. Oh, she's 4 and a half, by the way. Well, anyway, today's was different. I had them outside, and I was inside cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, etc. I have a fenced in back yard, so it's minimal supervision. Well, I pop my head up just in time to see that my daughter Grace had somehow gotten the broom portion off of the broom stick, and was waving it around. Then, as I was rinsing my hands to go correct the situation, my two year old son wants a try, and starts walking over to grab the pile. Graces hits him in the face. It looked intentional. Then she saw me, and knew she was in trouble and ran to the corner of the yard. I went to check on Isaac who had been knocked down, and was crying profusely. He had a bruise in the very corner of his eye socket, and cuts with a littler blood. He had got hit by the metal screw end, and the threads had cut him. I got him cleaned up, then grabbed grace, and right there in the yard, gave her 4 good licks on the butt, and sent her to her room.

And then the uncertainty. Is she still too young for spankings? Did I over react? Would an extra long time out have worked just as well? She already knew she did something wrong.

People ask me the biggest thing about parenting, and I have the same answer everytime. Uncertainty. It's like putting together a complicated model without instructions, just going by a picture on the box. You THINK you're doung it right, but you're never quite sure.

Yeah you probably shouldn't have spanked her, but what's done is done. Never discipline a child or a woman when you're emotional. I don't have any kids, nor do I like kids, so what do I know.

 

[Goshin]

I would say that without the loving closeness, your method might not work as well. The other poster expressed that her dad never talked to her, just spanked. You're talking about an overall method of parenting with careful discipline. Nothing bad about that and seems to have worked well with your family.

Oh, absolutely. NOTHING works well unless the parent is fully involved in the child's life. To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E, time spent focused on THEM.

Children usually know who really loves them and who is really looking out for them... it's the person who sacrifices for their best interest and spends time focused on them.

My son would tell you that I'm a natural born teacher, that I've taught him SOMETHING every single day of his life, whether it was how to spell an obscure word, or how to hammer a nail and not hit your thumb, or some obscure historical tidbit about Roman Legion tactics... or Why Women Are Like That. :mrgreen:


Dog lovers say, don't GET a dog if you are not going to LIVE with the dog and spend TIME with the dog and do so forever, and not just until a year's gone by and you're bored of playing fetch. I say the same goes double for children, if you have them, be prepared to spend a lot time engaged in their lives.

When my son was a toddler, I'd spend an hour with him playing cars in the floor; that was what he wanted to do. Then we'd do flash cards for letters and sounds...

When he was 6, he was into pokemon and digimon... I had no interest in this obviously, but I sat and watched the shows with him anyway and learned the names and characteristics of dozens of pokemon so I could speak the lingo of what he was into.

At 8 he wanted to learn to run a skidloader, so I taught him... then I put him to work for a couple hours moving dirt around with it.

You get the picture... I made sure I was INVOLVED in his life, I spend time with him on what HE was into, then I spent time TEACHING him useful things. As he's gotten older, he knows he can come to me anytime and I will drop anything I'm doing (anything non-critical that is) and listen to any concern or question or worry or etc he has... and then try to advise him on his options and/or the best course of action. When we do this it isn't simply about what I want him to do, it is about accomplishing HIS agenda mainly. He knows he can trust me, because I've been proving it for 17 years.

Discipline works best when the child knows he is loved and that his parents consistently act in his best interest. If the relationship is cold or distant or lacking in trust or confidence, it is likely that ANY disciplinary method will have dubious results.

 

[SassySmartie]

Oh, absolutely. NOTHING works well unless the parent is fully involved in the child's life. To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E, time spent focused on THEM.

Children usually know who really loves them and who is really looking out for them... it's the person who sacrifices for their best interest and spends time focused on them.

My son would tell you that I'm a natural born teacher, that I've taught him SOMETHING every single day of his life, whether it was how to spell an obscure word, or how to hammer a nail and not hit your thumb, or some obscure historical tidbit about Roman Legion tactics... or Why Women Are Like That. :mrgreen:


Dog lovers say, don't GET a dog if you are not going to LIVE with the dog and spend TIME with the dog and do so forever, and not just until a year's gone by and you're bored of playing fetch. I say the same goes double for children, if you have them, be prepared to spend a lot time engaged in their lives.

When my son was a toddler, I'd spend an hour with him playing cars in the floor; that was what he wanted to do. Then we'd do flash cards for letters and sounds...

When he was 6, he was into pokemon and digimon... I had no interest in this obviously, but I sat and watched the shows with him anyway and learned the names and characteristics of dozens of pokemon so I could speak the lingo of what he was into.

At 8 he wanted to learn to run a skidloader, so I taught him... then I put him to work for a couple hours moving dirt around with it.

You get the picture... I made sure I was INVOLVED in his life, I spend time with him on what HE was into, then I spent time TEACHING him useful things. As he's gotten older, he knows he can come to me anytime and I will drop anything I'm doing (anything non-critical that is) and listen to any concern or question or worry or etc he has... and then try to advise him on his options and/or the best course of action. When we do this it isn't simply about what I want him to do, it is about accomplishing HIS agenda mainly. He knows he can trust me, because I've been proving it for 17 years.

Discipline works best when the child knows he is loved and that his parents consistently act in his best interest. If the relationship is cold or distant or lacking in trust or confidence, it is likely that ANY disciplinary method will have dubious results.

I very much agree and have raised my daughters with a similar philosophy. They're mostly grown now and great people.

 

[Medusa]

Siblings fight. It's what they do. All siblings in the history of mankind have fought. This is really overboard. Kids at 4 don't always understand the effects their behaviors have on others and it's likely she was just fooling around and accidentally hurt her brother. Curiosity really gets the better of little ones most of the time and they don't have any foresight at all to see what the consequences of their actions are. That's why parents have to be there.

I think a kid might need to see a psychiatrist if they never tried to hurt or fight with a sibling.

so l should have seen a psychiatrist too l think:mrgreen:

not every child is the same ,dont know why many dont want to understand it

 

[ksu_aviator]

Sometimes you should feel like s*** for something you did or even said, it's a good lesson IMO but it's just my opinion that you solicited. In the end it's your kid though.eace

I didn't solicit your opinion. You have me confused with the OP. And yes, sometimes you should feel bad. But there is a difference from having remorse and being made to feel bad. The former is normal, the later is abuse.

 

[Goshin]

I didn't solicit your opinion. You have me confused with the OP. And yes, sometimes you should feel bad. But there is a difference from having remorse and being made to feel bad. The former is normal, the later is abuse.

I'd have to disagree. Most children are not born with much compassion or empathy; it is something that has to be taught to be fully developed. Part of that is learning to understand another's pain as being real as you own, and feeling shame for causing it. "Shaming" or "guilting" a child who has done something bad to another person is a way of "activating" that empathy/compassion where it might previously have not been engaged. They have to be made to understand that other people are real and feel real pain, and this is an effective way of doing so.... used in moderation.

My mother was a master of making you feel guilty for doing something bad... frankly I would rather have just had my father beat my ass.

However, I would have to say Mom's "guilt trips" about hurting others or their feelings made me a lot more empathetic than I would have been otherwise.

 

[TheGirlNextDoor]

Yeah you probably shouldn't have spanked her, but what's done is done. Never discipline a child or a woman when you're emotional. I don't have any kids, nor do I like kids, so what do I know.

Or a woman?

Oh goody. Another one. :roll:

 

[DiAnna]

Ahhh! But you missed the greatest part of mama's discipline. YOU had to select your own switch! Required contemplation of your transgression and acceptance of at least SOME responsibility for the consequences.

Part of a parents job, is shielding their children from the NATURAL consequences of their actions, substituting arbitrary and not life altering or lethal consequences instead.

But children MUST learn, there ARE consequences. When they reach 18, the law doesn't let the parent shield them any longer. They have to learn BEFORE 18!

Mama's method was a GOOD one!

If it was so good, how come her kids learned how to manipulate her with her own method, thus escaping any punishment... and responsibility for their behavior... at all?? :lamo

Still, it was a funny story, and I did lol reading it.

 

[SassySmartie]

so l should have seen a psychiatrist too l think:mrgreen:

not every child is the same ,dont know why many dont want to understand it

I don't think anyone here has suggested every child is the same. How far apart in years are you and your siblings, just out of curiosity?

 

[Mr.Nick]

Happened today. Up till now it's been nothing but time outs, and the removal of positive reinforcement incentives, like candy, ice cream, or chocolate milk. Which typically works. She's terrified of time out. Oh, she's 4 and a half, by the way. Well, anyway, today's was different. I had them outside, and I was inside cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, etc. I have a fenced in back yard, so it's minimal supervision. Well, I pop my head up just in time to see that my daughter Grace had somehow gotten the broom portion off of the broom stick, and was waving it around. Then, as I was rinsing my hands to go correct the situation, my two year old son wants a try, and starts walking over to grab the pile. Graces hits him in the face. It looked intentional. Then she saw me, and knew she was in trouble and ran to the corner of the yard. I went to check on Isaac who had been knocked down, and was crying profusely. He had a bruise in the very corner of his eye socket, and cuts with a littler blood. He had got hit by the metal screw end, and the threads had cut him. I got him cleaned up, then grabbed grace, and right there in the yard, gave her 4 good licks on the butt, and sent her to her room.

And then the uncertainty. Is she still too young for spankings? Did I over react? Would an extra long time out have worked just as well? She already knew she did something wrong.

People ask me the biggest thing about parenting, and I have the same answer everytime. Uncertainty. It's like putting together a complicated model without instructions, just going by a picture on the box. You THINK you're doung it right, but you're never quite sure.

No, you did right... A little crack on the butt doesn't hurt any kid... I think the fact you did it hurts her feelings more than any physical pain...

Of course she will remember that the next time she tries to hit someone with a stick (or anything for that matter)..

Of course spankings really depend on the temperament/personality of the child. If you raise your voice and threaten a timeout that can be enough for some kids (especially if you follow up on your promise) but sometimes other kids need a crack on the but to know that you're serious...

Of course in the end you feel bad about it, especially afterwords when they cry and want a hug...

 

[NoC_T]

Might is right (wing).

 

[yobarnacle]

Might is right (wing).

Might FOR right, is rightwing.

 

[Mustachio]

My parents never spanked me or hit me. I learned morality just fine. I think the big problem with spanking is that kids could wind up learning that what they did is wrong simply because they'll be punished for it. I think that makes it more likely for the development of their sense of morality to be very conventional, IE "violence is wrong because it's wrong," instead of "violence is wrong because everybody deserves to be treated with dignity and respect."

I have no problem with what you did, quality parenting is an aggregate of countless actions and outcomes, not just one. I simply believe that physical punishment isn't a good tool for teaching kids and my observations have been firmly in line with that opinion.

 

[grip]

My parents never spanked me or hit me. I learned morality just fine. I think the big problem with spanking is that kids could wind up learning that what they did is wrong simply because they'll be punished for it. I think that makes it more likely for the development of their sense of morality to be very conventional, IE "violence is wrong because it's wrong," instead of "violence is wrong because everybody deserves to be treated with dignity and respect."

I have no problem with what you did, quality parenting is an aggregate of countless actions and outcomes, not just one. I simply believe that physical punishment isn't a good tool for teaching kids and my observations have been firmly in line with that opinion.

I agree that corporal punishment as a regular action is not necessary. My father spanked me once in my life for lying and after that I always knew it was a possibility leading me to behave. Explaining the reason for all the rules would not have made any rational sense to my young mind, since I was still in the stage of developing a code of morals and socially acceptable conduct.

 

[yobarnacle]

This may seem off topic, but I'll make the connection if you bear with me.
Three schools of thought offer explanations why we are and behave as we do.

Product of society.
Product of genetics.
Self made.

Both influence of society and genetics have data supporting those ideas. But they can not explain anomalies. AND. they are dangerous ideas, because the logical solution in both is genocide. If people can't break the mold? Destroy the mold. Kill em before they breed. I don't like that solution.

The self made hypothesis, says, when we make the tough, correct, responsible decision, it's easier next time. Likewise, when we take the lazy way out, THAT is easier, NEXT time.

Only the self made personality idea, can explain why one family member, raised in poverty, in a ghetto, with the same genetics, becomes successful when siblings end up in jail or die young. It also means, we are each responsible for our actions and decisions.

Social engineers blaming harsh parenting, and giving kids the notion, "my parents damaged my psyche", are NOT helping society.

If some one cuts you, it's wrong. Until you explain it's a surgeon saving your life! Perspective is everything.

My dad was a strict authoritarian, so was mom. I got spanked. I love them for it.

I accepted they spanked me BECAUSE they loved me. And it was justified.

Teaching kids their parents have no authority, is anti-social and WRONG headed!

 

[NoC_T]

Might FOR right, is rightwing.

Good thing they're always Right.

 

[yobarnacle]

Good thing they're always Right.

My wife tells her friends "I knew I was marrying Mr. Right.,,,,,,, But I didn't realize I was marrying Mr. Always Right!"