Married Couples Who Are Swingers

[Hoplite]

You axed me to explain you, and I did. Now you're running away. Obviously a centrist in CA would be a liberal in NC.

You know what to do if you want to continue the conversation. The discussion about it in this thread is done.

 

[aps]

In order to generate discussion, please answer any of the following questions:
1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage? Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?

I don't have a problem with swinging as long as all parties involved are happy with this choice. I practice monogamy. I am sure some people are happy and fulfilled swinging, but I'd want both people in the marriage to be able to tell me that and mean it. I don't believe that monogamy is the only morally justified means of being married. Again, both people involved in the marriage would need to agree on the rules of going outside the marriage.

2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?

I had a friend who swung with other couples. Did she love it? Absolutely not. It was clear to me that she did it only to please her husband, and I could tell she tolerated it. She'd share the gory details about their escapades, but I never saw her show enthusiasm or passion about them. It was more matter of fact.

I went to a club where people were essentially engaging in an orgy (I went with that couple). I was just there to observe. Interestingly, we started talking to another couple, who swung. The wife was all over different men while we were there. The husband was clearly upset by her behavior and expressed such to me. I don't consider that to be a successful swinging couple.

My female friend would tell me that her husband had to "watch" how he looked at the other woman. He was not allowed to look at the other woman in a way that would upset her. Jesus Christ. That sounds ridiculous. You're going to watch your husband Fk someone else and yet he can't give the woman he is fking a certain "look"? How is that successful swinging?

3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?

Nah. It's not for me. I'd be upset if my husband told me he wanted to get into that. One of the things I like about monogamy is not worrying about catching a disease. I'm shocked by the number of people who don't protect themselves from disease. Ewwwwww. No thank you.

 

[Southern Man]

You know what to do if you want to continue the conversation. The discussion about it in this thread is done.

Then why are you still talking?

 

[Toothpicvic]

Then why are you still talking?

Are you the same guy as Bassman? You're using his avatar.

 

[Southern Man]

Are you the same guy as Bassman? You're using his avatar.

Never heard of him. The avatar is available over the internet to anyone.

 

[Kali]

Hoplite, if the people that are with me have no problem with my "loving possessively"? I do not see it as an issue. Trust me when I say that people know all this even before taking it to realationship stats. I make it VERY clear. I am glad you think/feel you are evolved and above me in some way. Good for you man!

As for your not thinking that what I said about people do argue about things other than the "real" issue? Well we will just disagree on that as I know I am correct in that a large majority of arugments are based on this other than what is the underlying deep issue..

 

[Panache]

I disagree. The vast majority of people are still monogamous

This is wildly inaccurate.

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)

Infidelity Statistics

 

[CompSciGuy]

There seems to be some contradictory statistics there.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Well I know some non-swinging married couples who are miserable and are not emotionally stable. I agree with you if your marriage already sucks, swinging will not make it happier.

Unfortunately, some people believe that adding more variety to an already screwed up marriage will improve it. It won't.

 

[Hoplite]

Hoplite, if the people that are with me have no problem with my "loving possessively"? I do not see it as an issue.

Neither do I, it's just not a frame of mind I want to have either in a relationship or a partner.

Trust me when I say that people know all this even before taking it to realationship stats. I make it VERY clear. I am glad you think/feel you are evolved and above me in some way. Good for you man!

I never said that I was above anyone else or that I find your choices wrong. I used "evolved" for lack of a better term; my thoughts and feelings were at one point then they changed to a different point that made me feel happier. I dont know what else you'd call that besides "evolving"

As for your not thinking that what I said about people do argue about things other than the "real" issue? Well we will just disagree on that as I know I am correct in that a large majority of arugments are based on this other than what is the underlying deep issue..

Im not sure what you mean by this.

 

[Panache]

Unfortunately, some people believe that adding more variety to an already screwed up marriage will improve it. It won't.

Link? Or is this just anecdotal conjecture?

It seems a completely rational expectation to me. If you have pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day without exception for a couple years, never eating anything else, it is likely you will get tired of it. Even if you started out loving pizza, a diet of nothing but pizza will get old eventually. If you introduce other foods into your diet, it will result not only in enjoying other foods more, but also enjoying pizza more when you eat it.

The same exact logic work for music. Try listening to your favorite song 300 times in a row non-stop and see if you don't get sick of it. Then try listening to everything but your favorite song for a month or so and see if you don't feel like listening to your favorite song again.

Variety provides much needed contrast to keep things fresh and in perspective. Provide some reason why this principal should not apply to sex.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Link? Or is this just anecdotal conjecture?

The entire thread is anectdotal conjecture. I thought I'd contribute accordingly.

 

[Hoplite]

Link? Or is this just anecdotal conjecture?

It seems a completely rational expectation to me.

Variety provides much needed contrast to keep things fresh and in perspective. Provide some reason why this principal should not apply to sex.

It very well can and for some couples is true. I think Deux was getting at the fact that many people overlook other foundational relationship problems in favor of increased variety and in such cases variety will not fix the relationship.

If your relationship has problems with communication or intimacy, these are things that need to be addressed before you start talking about variety.

 

[Erod]

I guess it comes down to perspective.

Some people see this life as one big roller coaster ride. Do as much screaming and hollering as you can with your arms up high before the ride is over.

Others see it as a challenge to somehow avoid the pitfalls and temptations that lead to self destruction, so that one day you can look upon your life as having some degree of purpose and meaning.

There is nothing more meaningful and purposeful than a long, committed marriage that produces well-grounded children that have a sense of responsibility and purpose to their lives. It's one of the most difficult things to do in this world, but certainly the most rewarding.

Yes, I've known some swinging couples. I've known plenty that have cheated on their spouses for all sorts of reasons. I've known some that have thrown away marriages over gambling, alcohol, and/or drugs.

But no, I've never known any of them to not end up in trainwrecked lives with massive regret and remorse over their decisions.

 

[rivrrat]

It very well can and for some couples is true. I think Deux was getting at the fact that many people overlook other foundational relationship problems in favor of increased variety and in such cases variety will not fix the relationship.

If your relationship has problems with communication or intimacy, these are things that need to be addressed before you start talking about variety.

Indeed. I'm currently talking to a couple now that I plan on hooking up with in the near future. And, as I have when I've talked to other couples in the past, I query them about why they're doing it. And I talk to both of them individually about how they feel about it, what their expectations are, etc. I don't want to hook up with a couple if one of them feels pressured into it and doesn't really want to do it. Makes it awkward for everyone. I don't want to do it if the couple thinks that this whole threesome thing is some magic fix to some problems they've been having. If the wife says anything that resembles, "We've been growing apart and my husband thinks this might spice things up for us" .... I run.

 

[ashley.hunt60]

1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogamy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage? Are you a person who believes monogamy is the only morally justified means of being married?

Monogamy for me, I'm not secure enough for polygamy. Does that mean that no one should practice polygamy? No, just my personal preference, and I'd be a bigoted fool to push it on others.

2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?

My mother dated a married polygamist before. I didn't care. Both the wife and husband in the relationship were happy, and who am I to want to spoil everyone's fun?

3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?

No, and as I said, I don't think I have the security needed.