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Married Couples Who Are Swingers

Justice44

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I have talked to some swinging couples who have been married over 50 years. They mention that they are very happy and fulfilled. The extramarital sex that both spouses allow in their marriages is purely recreational and is icing on the cake. Many people contend that having extra-marital sex is a lack of commitment. I don’t understand how this so called lack of commitment affects the fulfillment in these types of relationships. What I find baffling is the decision to still object to these types of marriages on moral grounds. From my perspective, morals only have meaning when they are designed to protect individuals from physical or emotional harm. Many swinging couples suffer no emotional harm from extramarital sex. Thus, the moral objection towards these couples remains baffling to me.:confused:

In order to generate discussion, please answer any of the following questions:
1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage? Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?
2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?
3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?

I hope these questions will help you share your views.:)
 

rivrrat

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In order to generate discussion, please answer any of the following questions:
1. What is your moral position toward swinging?
My 'moral' position is "whatever floats your boat". If you don't have a problem with what you're doing and neither does your S.O., then there is no problem.

Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage? Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?
I practice monogamy when it suits me to practice it. I'd always welcome another agreed upon hot person into our bedroom though. :) (male or female, or a couple)

2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?
Yes I do know, and have known some. Currently somewhat 'involved' with a swinging couple now. It would appear that their relationship is successful, and the folks I've known in the past had successful relationships as well. As successful as anyone else's.

3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?
I am not married and never will be. But I have been in a number of long term committed relationships. I have, while within those relationships, sought other women to join us in our bed.

I am also a woman who, when single, seeks out couples to play with. Like I am now. ;)


I have no issue with what consenting adults do with one another. A couple's relationship is defined by the couple IN the relationship. If that means no sex with others and that's what they agree upon, then that's their definition of their relationship. If that means having sex with others, then that's their definition. It's up to each couple to determine their own confines, their own rules, their own definitions for what works for them. And it is no one else's business.
 

tacomancer

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I have talked to some swinging couples who have been married over 50 years. They mention that they are very happy and fulfilled. The extramarital sex that both spouses allow in their marriages is purely recreational and is icing on the cake. Many people contend that having extra-marital sex is a lack of commitment. I don’t understand how this so called lack of commitment affects the fulfillment in these types of relationships. What I find baffling is the decision to still object to these types of marriages on moral grounds. From my perspective, morals only have meaning when they are designed to protect individuals from physical or emotional harm. Many swinging couples suffer no emotional harm from extramarital sex. Thus, the moral objection towards these couples remains baffling to me.:confused:

In order to generate discussion, please answer any of the following questions:
1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage? Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?
2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?
3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?

I hope these questions will help you share your views.:)

1. I find it immoral. The reason I do is because I vowed to be committed to my wife when we got married. If I were to swing, even with her permission. I would be going back on my promise.
1a. Its probably possible, I know some people who do and they seem happy.
1b. I don't think its morally justified, but I am not going to stop or condemn those who do that sort of thing.
2. I have known a few. Pretty much all of them were nice people and easy to get along with.
2a. I am sure they define their relationship as successful, but we all have our own metrics. Personally, I think sex should be kept to married folks, but it is not for me to impose my will on others due to the impracticality of such a notion (people are going to screw no matter what) and the fact that it is none of my business, as long as it is not harming me or my interests.
3. I am not a swinger
3a. N/A
 

StandUpChuck

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What's the point of getting married if you're not going to honor your vows? :unsure13:
 

Toothpicvic

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I have talked to some swinging couples who have been married over 50 years. They mention that they are very happy and fulfilled. The extramarital sex that both spouses allow in their marriages is purely recreational and is icing on the cake. Many people contend that having extra-marital sex is a lack of commitment.
That's an unrealistic claim. Cheating = lack of commitment, but if both partners are okay with it, then that's nonsense.

I don’t understand how this so called lack of commitment affects the fulfillment in these types of relationships. What I find baffling is the decision to still object to these types of marriages on moral grounds. From my perspective, morals only have meaning when they are designed to protect individuals from physical or emotional harm. Many swinging couples suffer no emotional harm from extramarital sex. Thus, the moral objection towards these couples remains baffling to me.:confused:
Fundamentalist beliefs are immune to common sense. There are people even today who believe the Earth is flat because of some literal interpretation of a Bible passage. People that out of touch with reality can't be phased with the facts, so don't even bother trying to understand how their minds work.

I think it just boils down to an insecure ego. Couples with ****ty marriages just need a reason to diss those of others so they can feel better about their own loveless marriages, even though they're actually the ones who suffer from the lack of commitment.

In order to generate discussion, please answer any of the following questions:

1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage?
I have no problem with it. I don't see any reason that a swinging couple couldn't have a successful marriage.

Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?
No. That's nonsense. And ironically, it's the couples who spout that nonsense who have the ****tiest marriages around (at least in my experience).
2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?

3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?
No, so I don't know.
 

Toothpicvic

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What's the point of getting married if you're not going to honor your vows? :unsure13:
What "vows"? Those "vows" are (obviously) not intended as literal, nor should they be - since you'd be making a promise you cannot possibly keep, and therefore lying. (ex. If your spouse started doing heroin around his kids, any sane person would get a divorce, vows or not). Many types of wedding ceremonies don't even have the "vows" as part of the tradition.

You're also getting wedding parties confused with the actual act of marriage. It's possible to have a wedding party ("vows" and everything) and not be married in practice, and vice versa (most married people throughout history have never had vow ceremonies - in fact this tradition has its roots in the old aristocracies - which married just for political purposes and had their own lovers on the side).

Though you're kind of right. Even though it's just a tradition, personally I don't approve of people having "vows" at a wedding ceremony, since it creates an unrealistic expectation (and is a lie 100% of time - since you have no direct control over whether you'll always be with that person) and has nothing to do with actual commitment or love. It also makes people forget that actual marriage is the day-to-day act of living together in a commited relationship, not just a cheesy party with a big cake and fancy getup. As for swinging, like I said, if both parties have no problem with it, then it'd be stupid to say they're wrong to do it, since neither one's commitment is being violated if they're both down for it. That's just patronizing elitism spewed by the worst married couples there are.
 

rivrrat

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What's the point of getting married if you're not going to honor your vows? :unsure13:

Some people get married with NO vows stated. Some write their own. I've not ever heard any vows that stated "will not have sex with anyone else"
 

tacomancer

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Some people get married with NO vows stated. Some write their own. I've not ever heard any vows that stated "will not have sex with anyone else"

I think its an understood agreement between most couples. On a side note, it reminds me of a story

After I got married, I went to the in-laws house for my wife to change clothes and I was sitting outside the room while my wife's sister and mother were fussing over the dress. and I said "you know, I am married to her now" and walked in on her naked. I got the dirtiest look from my mother in law, but we were married and she couldn't say anything.
 

Toothpicvic

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I've not ever heard any vows that stated "will not have sex with anyone else"
I think that Catholic Priests are required to take that vow before receiving their first altar boy buttsex session.
 

roguenuke

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I am not a swinger. I am just starting to learn some of the best ways to make my husband happy, I'd hate to have to go through it with someone else, especially at the same time I'm with my husband. What if you got them confused? Not to mention, for me "sex" is best when it is intimate, and I only want intimacy with my husband.

Anyway, I also don't condemn any couple who do agree to extramarital affairs. I consider it their business and if it makes/keeps them happy, then that is wonderful. I think it is definitely something that should be mutually agreed to though. Both couples don't necessarily have to have them, but both should agree it is okay for the other to have them, otherwise it seems dishonest.

I figure every couple is different and some couples do not consider "sex" the same thing as "intimacy".
 

Mell

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I dont know any swingers and am not one. I dont have opinions on the morality of it either. Im not really sure why people do it. Surely, sex is sex, and a couple can improve their own sex lives with each other, rather that bringing outsiders into it.
 

molten_dragon

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I wouldn't mind trying it myself. I've mentioned to my wife a couple times that I'm interested, but she is most decidedly not, so that kind of ended the discussion.
 

1069

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We haven't done it since we've been married, but we didn't get married until we were sort of old and settled and just done.
35 may not seem that old, but we've had so many adventures that I think emotionally, we're older than most 35-year-olds.

Before we were married, we just lived together, and our relationship was not monogamous for that entire period (or for much of it, really).
Because of my youthful folly of a first marriage, I had a phobia about commitment.
I didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship. I wanted him to sleep with other people. Then he wouldn't have any excuse for trying to chain me down and take away my freedom.
After a long time, I realized that he wouldn't do that anyway, because controlling others is not what he's about. It's not in his nature.
That's when I realized that I could be in a monogamous relationship with him.
Around this time, I also began losing interest in sex- not entirely, but enough that my days as a libertine were pretty much over anyway.
We got away from the whole drugs-and-partying scene, he went to rehab, I got out of the adult entertainment business (none of this happened overnight, but it seems like it, in retrospect) and we landed together in this life that we have now.
It's been a good life.
 

goldcatt

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It's not something that interests me personally, and a man who is interested in it probably isn't for me. But I don't judge what other consenting adults do in private. If it makes them both happy and their relationship is good, who am I to judge?
 

missypea

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What is your moral position toward swinging?
If people want to swing then swing away. It never was and is never gonna be something that is appealing to me in any way.

Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage?
A happy marriage is defined by the couple so yeah, any couple can be happy regardless if they're swingers or monogamous.

Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?
Yeah, for me it is the only way. Like I said earlier, live and let live but for when it comes to me? It's the only way I would be happily married.

What is your experience with swingers?
None

Do you personally know any swingers?
Nope

Nothing else applies...............
 

Korimyr the Rat

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Many people contend that having extra-marital sex is a lack of commitment. I don’t understand how this so called lack of commitment affects the fulfillment in these types of relationships.

I believe commitment is absolutely essential to marriage, but I don't see commitment and sex as being necessarily related. If spouses can uphold their commitments to each other while having extra-marital sex, more power to them. Unfortunately, from my experiences with the swinging lifestyle, I have seen more relationships ruined by it than strengthened by it, including my parents' marriage and my own recently failed engagement. (Not to say that there were not other significant problems in those relationships.) I think swinging requires a great deal of extra commitment on the parts of the spouses to keep their marriage working, and I remain skeptical of most peoples' ability to successfully navigate such a relationship.

What I find baffling is the decision to still object to these types of marriages on moral grounds. From my perspective, morals only have meaning when they are designed to protect individuals from physical or emotional harm. Many swinging couples suffer no emotional harm from extramarital sex. Thus, the moral objection towards these couples remains baffling to me.:confused:

I think more couples suffer harm than are willing to admit it.

1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage? Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?

I think swinging encourages promiscuity and excessive risk-taking. It's not necessarily morally degenerate on its own, but it is closely associated with other degenerate behaviors. I am not strictly monogamous, and I do not expect monogamy from my partners, but I think a non-monogamous relationship requires greater understanding and commitment than a monogamous one and that it requires clear ground rules in order to be successful. I think polyfidelity is strongly preferable to any form of "open" relationship.

2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?

I've known many swingers. I haven't known any with a history of stable and healthy relationships.

3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?

I'm not a swinger. I do not care for casual sex. In all of the open relationships I've been in, it has been a factor in their dissolution, but I have remained friends with my former partners-- which, I suppose, would constitute an improvement over most of my relationships.
 

The Giant Noodle

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1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage?

Its freakin SICK! You marry because of friendship and love. Someone has sex with my wife I would..... do something verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry NOT good.

Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?
YEAH!!! Why in the hell did you get married then!?!?!

2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?
It disgusts me. Makes me SICK. Something is very wrong mentally IMO.

3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?

YUK!! ICK! BLECK!
 

Toothpicvic

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Its freakin SICK! You marry because of friendship and love. Someone has sex with my wife I would..... do something verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry NOT good.

YEAH!!! Why in the hell did you get married then!?!?!

It disgusts me. Makes me SICK. Something is very wrong mentally IMO.

YUK!! ICK! BLECK!
That was sarcasm, right?
 

Hoplite

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I have talked to some swinging couples who have been married over 50 years. They mention that they are very happy and fulfilled. The extramarital sex that both spouses allow in their marriages is purely recreational and is icing on the cake. Many people contend that having extra-marital sex is a lack of commitment. I don’t understand how this so called lack of commitment affects the fulfillment in these types of relationships. What I find baffling is the decision to still object to these types of marriages on moral grounds. From my perspective, morals only have meaning when they are designed to protect individuals from physical or emotional harm. Many swinging couples suffer no emotional harm from extramarital sex. Thus, the moral objection towards these couples remains baffling to me.:confused:
**Shrug** Some people prefer Coke, some prefer Pepsi and both have good reasons, as far as they are concerned, for making that choice.

In order to generate discussion, please answer any of the following questions:
1. What is your moral position toward swinging? Are you a person who practices monogammy but believe it is possible to have a happy and fulfilled swinging marriage? Are you a person who believes monogammy is the only morally justified means of being married?
I'm polyamorous but not a swinger. I have very neutral feelings towards swinging. I'd be interested to try it for the experience, but I have no burning desire or urge to try it. I think that some people are happier in monogamous relationships while others are happier in polyamorous ones. Please dont confuse polyamory and swinging, they are markedly different ideas.

2. What is your experience with swingers? Do you personally know any swingers? In your opinion, is their relationship successful?
Most swingers I've known are simply very sexually voracious people, they arent crazy or addicted to sex, their sexual drives are simply higher than what you could call the average and swinging is a way to help that. It works best if both people in a relationship are not only ok with but are actively looking to get into swinging.

3. Are you a swinger? Has it improved your relationship?
My fiancee and I have broached the subject. She's not interested in the least and I cant say I'm terribly broken up that she isnt, again, I'm very neutral on the idea.
 

Justice44

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I am curious. Have you revealed your lifestyle to your close friends? How did they react?
 

Justice44

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I believe commitment is absolutely essential to marriage, but I don't see commitment and sex as being necessarily related. If spouses can uphold their commitments to each other while having extra-marital sex, more power to them. Unfortunately, from my experiences with the swinging lifestyle, I have seen more relationships ruined by it than strengthened by it, including my parents' marriage and my own recently failed engagement. (Not to say that there were not other significant problems in those relationships.) I think swinging requires a great deal of extra commitment on the parts of the spouses to keep their marriage working, and I remain skeptical of most peoples' ability to successfully navigate such a relationship.

I think swinging encourages promiscuity and excessive risk-taking. It's not necessarily morally degenerate on its own, but it is closely associated with other degenerate behaviors.
Based on my findings, I have seen many swingers who have had 1 extramarital partner per year. I don't think that is promiscuous. I am sure there are swinging couples who have had 500 couples per year but I don't see how swinging is innately promiscuous. This would imply that you know a couple's ability for sexual restraint. Can you explain why you feel that way?

Note: Based on my conversations with swingers, I have concluded some swingers are very selective with their partners and some swingers are brutally indiscriminate with the selection of their partners.

I think more couples suffer harm than are willing to admit it.
From my experience elderly swingers who have been swinging for 50 years seem pretty happy to me. I think a lot of monogamous couples are more miserable than are willing to admit. I think both systems have happy and miserable people.
I've known many swingers. I haven't known any with a history of stable and healthy relationships.
What type of issues did they have?
 

Justice44

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What do you base your morality on? Do you base it on religion(i.e. Bible, Koran)? If that is the case, then I could see why you see swinging as immoral. My question is based on your following responses:

" Its probably possible, I know some people who do and they seem happy. 1b. I don't think its morally justified, but I am not going to stop or condemn those who do that sort of thing."
 

Justice44

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What's the point of getting married if you're not going to honor your vows? :unsure13:

:confused:The only vows that should matter to others is that these couples remain remain until they die. Who cares if they can handle having sex with other people? It is brutally clear that this alleged vow means nothing to them. I don't see why it should mean anything to swingers when they seem to be happier than traditional couples. The idea of forsaking other people does not innately imply sex. A couple who has been married 52 years probably does not see sex the same way you do. I don't see why this is so difficult for many people to understand.:confused:
 

Hoplite

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I am curious. Have you revealed your lifestyle to your close friends? How did they react?
The vast majority of people who know me know I am polyamorous. My family doesn't, I dont feel its something they could handle well.

Dropping something like that on friends is always a good way to tell who your real friends are. Many of my friends were very supportive and encouraging, they understood that however rough it was for them to hear it, it was even rougher on my end. Some didnt find that same attitude, some got very angry and I did lose a few friends over it. But I figured if they were going to get that bent out of shape over me trying to be who I am, then they aren't someone I want as a friend.
 
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