Joke page Political or just funny put them here. (1 Viewer)

[Councilman]

"Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger.

It's the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown."

 

[Red Crow]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

 

[Red Crow]

Avon Calling

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

 

[Councilman]

My new way to avoid a .08 alcohol driving problem (and possible DUI arrest):

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.

Knowing that I was totally wasted, I did something that I have never done before, I took a bus home.

I arrived home warm and safe which really surprised me since I had never driven a bus before.

 

[Utility Man]

 

[Councilman]

A Minister was on his death bed and asked to have his lawyer, and an IRS agent bought to his bed.

When they arrived he asked that the lawyer sit on one side of the bed and the IRS agent to sit on the other.

The lawyer spoke up and said: Pastor we feel honored that you asked for us at this important time, but can I ask we you did you choose us.

The Minister gathered all his strength and said, Jessus died between two sinners and I want to go out the same way.

 

[snilloctjc]

A Southern Request

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:


"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.. One last point:"No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD.. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaitingnotification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous.)

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door, which she opened to find — in full dress uniform — four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes

 

[snilloctjc]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.......


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because.......
they taste better without the crap inside!"

Now you know

 

[Dittohead not!]

Woman's Ass study...there is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses...The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world...What do you think of your ass?

 

[Councilman]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

 

[Councilman]

An archaeologist in New York was digging and when he got to 10' he found traces of copper wires. He concluded that New York had a phone system 100 years ago.

Not wanting to be out done, a California archaeologist dug down 20', and he too found traces of copper wire, and declared that California had a phone system 200 years ago.

Mean while Bubba was digging in has back yard and got down to 30' and found not thing. Bubba then declared that 300 years ago Texas had already gone wireless.

Generic Bubba

Another joke from Joel O

 

[Councilman]

I was just thinking. Imagine living with three wives in one compound and not leaving the house for five years. I think Osama Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.
This might be true. lol

 

[justabubba]

The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was "old Butch," and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk
on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece
Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet-surprise" as well.

 

[Dittohead not!]

An archaeologist in New York was digging and when he got to 10' he found traces of copper wires. He concluded that New York had a phone system 100 years ago.

Not wanting to be out done, a California archaeologist dug down 20', and he too found traces of copper wire, and declared that California had a phone system 200 years ago.

Mean while Bubba was digging in has back yard and got down to 30' and found not thing. Bubba then declared that 300 years ago Texas had already gone wireless.

Generic Bubba

Another joke from Joel O

More proof of being wireless:



Uploaded with ImageShack.us

 

[Councilman]

An elderly couple were having trouble with their memories and the doctor suggested that they start writing everything down so they don't forget.

A few days later the couple was watching TV and the lady said: Honey I sure would like a bowl of Ice cream.

The old gentleman said: I'll go get it for you dear.

Don't you you think you should write it down, the old woman said

I'm only going to the kitchen, proclaimed the old man.

A little while went by and the man returned and handed herhis wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

The old woman took one look at it and said: I knew it, you forgot my toast.

 

[atrasicarius]

A man goes into a pawn shop. He sees a golden statue of a rat on the counter. Curious, he asks, "How much for the rat?" The pawn shop owner says, "$5 for the rat, but $500 for the story behind it." The man says, "I'll take the rat." He hands the owner a five and walks out. As he's walking home, he notices a rat following him. A few minutes later, he looks behind him and finds several rats following him. Soon, there's a legion of rats behind him. Panicking, he runs to the harbor and throws the rat statue into the ocean. The rats dive in after it and drown. The man goes back to the pawn shop. "Back?" says the pawn shop owner. "I bet you want to hear the story behind it now." "No," says the man, "I want to know if you've got a golden politician."

 

[atrasicarius]

Another one:
Little Johnny asks his father to explain politics to him. "Well," says his father, "Think of it like this. I'm the bread winner for the family, so we'll call me capitalism. Your mother runs the household, so that makes her the government. You're like the people, because its her job to take care of you. Your nanny is like the working class. We'll call your little brother the future. Does that make sense?"

Little Johnny thanks his father and walks away. That night, he hears his little brother crying and gets up. He looks in on his mother, but she's sound asleep. He looks in the guest room and finds his father in bed with his nanny. He goes to check on his brother and finds he's soiled his diaper.

The next day, he goes to his father and says, "I think I understand politics now."
"Tell me what you've learned," says the father.
"Well, capitalism is ****ing the working class while the government is asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep ****."

 

[OscarB63]

Little Tony is sitting on a park bench eating a bag of candy bars. An older gentlemen is sitting at the other end of the bench watching. After Tony has eaten several bars the old man speaks up and says, "You know son, eating all those candy bars is bad for your health". Little Tony replies, "My grandfather lived to be 106 years old". The old man asks, "And did he sit around all day eating candy bars?" Without missing a bite, little Tony replies,

"No, he minded his own ****ing business"

 

[justabubba]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 

[justabubba]

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a prostitute with diarrhea?











The oysterman shucks between fits...



What's the difference between a sorority track team and a tribe of pygmies?











pygmies are cunning runts ...

 

[justabubba]

A man and a woman were seated next to each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman
sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her
body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have
never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything
for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[justabubba]

This guy was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.
There were two sheriffs deputies there. He asked them if there was a problem?
One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "Im sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she's got a great personality, and she aint a bad cook."

 

[snilloctjc]

This must be part of The President's push for alternative energy (Actual request for bid)

FedBid has a business opportunity that matches the profile you created in the FedBid Marketplace. A summary of the opportunity is provided below.

Buy No.: 253520
...Solicitation No.: 1039181032

Buy Description: Coldfusion

Buyer: Department of State
Ship To: WASHINGTON, DC 20520
Contract Vehicle: GSA Schedules

 

[Councilman]

I just found out what flavor Kool Aid the Liberal press that ignore any news that reflects bad on Obama drink daily.

It's Watermelon!

 

[Juiposa]

What do the blind kids parents do to punish him?





Re arrange the furniture.