The struggle of being single

[Herkamer63]

It's always been a struggle for me to get into a relationship, let alone one that would last a long time. One issue was my weight. I was 330 pounds, Now, I weigh around 185 pounds. The other issue I had was what I looked like. Now, I'm much more fashionable and groom myself far better than before.

The worst part about me was my confidence. The things mentioned above did not help me out in the beginning. Once I got moving on these other things, my confidence began to rise, but before that I had asked other women out and their responses didn't help out at all. After the last one I asked out, I was kind of in a dark spot and I had to turn that around. One day, I made a choice to go back to this ballroom studio outside of town that I checked out a year prior. Best decision I had made in a long time. My confidence is much better. Everything was going well with my new single life. However, that urge of getting with a woman is beginning to rise again.

There is a woman, named Jody, that has been coming occasionally to the ballroom classes. I first met her at one of the parties this place puts on. At the time, there was another woman I was eyeballing, but that woman didn't show much interest in me and instead shown it to the guys closer to her age. During that time, I've noticed Jody had been a little more interactive with me. I was trying to get one of my two friends or my cousin to talk to this woman because she was closer in age to these guys, but nothing happened. Jody and I became friends on social media because a couple other people in the class had talked about getting together as a group outside the studio. Then I get this line of messaging from her:

"I only know everyone through dance. I don't talk to anyone outside of dance. Kent (the owner) is very particular on his staff mingling with students so I don't befriend instructors (in terms of social media) and I understand the professional idea. The objective is to grow a classy business, a place to dance, not just a young crowd hang out. The more we can create classy, the more fun we can have. Encouraging dressing up and looking handsome and sexy brings in good crowds. I love seeing you dressed up. It sets the mood."

I think that was an attempt of her flirting with me. Maybe it was nothing, but, typically, you don't put this message out there like that unless if there's a level of interest. Other things that had happened: she prefers me to be her dance partner during class and loves it when I dance with her during the parties. Normally, during ballroom dancing, the partners we dance with have a light but firm grasp. Jody's holds feel more like she's embracing, like she doesn't want me to leave, and she's the only one that does it. One thing I have learned about ballroom dancing, you can pick up a couple of things while holding onto someone else, like how they are emotionally to one degree.

I could be wrong and she could be nothing more than a flirt. However, whenever we get a chance to talk in PMs, it's as if she loves it when I talk to her. I don't message her often because I don't want to give off any wrong signals. I wait until she says something.

Being single, I can do what I want, when I want, and however I want to do it. All Summer, I've done just that and I have been happy. Lately, though, I've been kind of liking Jody a little more. She has her flaws and she is older (I'm 35 and she's 43), but she has been very nice to me. She's also been really good to my brother with autism which I'm really appreciative of.

I'm now in this debate with myself on whether or not to jump back into the dating world. My experiences haven't been the greatest. I had been stood up, lied to, lied about, used, misled, and mocked. Of course, there were 3 women in my life I could have started something with, but, in the end, I was too late.

I just don't want to get hurt again. I figured if I stay single and focused more on my hobbies and the people closest to me, I wouldn't. At the same time, though, someone I was trying to set my friends and cousin up with seemingly has her sight set on me. I don't want to enter into a relationship with Jody only to find out she was never interested in me, but rather a source of validation and a butt of jokes. Let alone, if I were interested in Jody, I'm afraid if I tried to ask her out she'd think think I'm a weirdo and mock me because I asked. You say to yourself that you will be single and then when you're focused on doing just that, someone becomes, seemingly, interested in you. The only piece of advice I have is if you're single, stay that way, unless you know a woman actually likes you for you, but be careful.

 

[Superfly]

Not sure if you're looking for advice, or just to vent. Sounds to me like Jody is interested in you, but afraid to come across too strongly.

Ask her out. All she can say is no.

I am single, and getting back into dating again. I've been basically destroyed by past relationships, so I am taking things super slow with the guy I am seeing now. Works well because he, too, has been hurt. We are both in a spot where we are reaching out to each other, getting to know each other, traveling, spending the weekend together, but taking it slowly. If it happens, it happens. I like him enough that I am cautiously optimistic. I also, however, have huge walls built up around me to keep from being hurt again. Makes it tougher to fall for someone, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Forces you to take things slowly, just so you don't get hurt.

 

[ecofarm]

If someone doesn't fit, that's not a matter of judgement. You think us brilliant pretty people just get anyone we want? That's not how it works for anyone. We're a puzzle looking for a piece. It fits or it doesn't. That's no judgement on either the piece or the puzzle.

Just because a piece doesn't fit in your puzzle doesn't mean the piece or the puzzle is bad. You're probably gonna need to go through a lot of pieces to find one that fits. We're talking a long term project here. You'll have disappointments; probably this one. It's very unlikely that you find an appropriate piece on your first go. That doesn't happen. So you're gonna be disappointed. And then you're gonna be disappointed again. Probably 5 or 10 times before you find a piece that might fit.

You might as well get to fishing because you're gonna throw back a few and, almost certainly, the first one. Get to it.

 

[Loulit01]

If you're in a relationship you're going to get hurt. My mom and dad married young, didn't have affairs, weren't drinkers, and loved each other until the day my dad died. Still, they fought sometimes and hurt each other. I've never been in, seen, or heard of a relationship where no one was ever hurt.

"I don't want to enter into a relationship with Jody"

If all you're looking for is a romantic, long-term relationship, don't ask her out.

If you simply miss the company of a woman, ask her to a daytime event that you'll think you'll both enjoy. I live near Manhattan so there was always some museum exhibit, or a concert in a park, or an ethnic festival happening. You may have to be more creative. I like daytime events because if it's not night, you don't have to worry about kissing her goodnight.

Maybe you're both just looking for someone to hang out with, or a date for weddings and New Year's Eve and such.

But in my experience, the only long-term, romantic relationship that ever worked out was one where I sucked it up and asked out a girl I thought was way out of my league. Sometimes they say yes.

 

[ecofarm]

A word of advice.

 

[Superfly]

If you're in a relationship you're going to get hurt. My mom and dad married young, didn't have affairs, weren't drinkers, and loved each other until the day my dad died. Still, they fought sometimes and hurt each other. I've never been in, seen, or heard of a relationship where no one was ever hurt.

"I don't want to enter into a relationship with Jody"

If all you're looking for is a romantic, long-term relationship, don't ask her out.

If you simply miss the company of a woman, ask her to a daytime event that you'll think you'll both enjoy. I live near Manhattan so there was always some museum exhibit, or a concert in a park, or an ethnic festival happening. You may have to be more creative. I like daytime events because if it's not night, you don't have to worry about kissing her goodnight.

Maybe you're both just looking for someone to hang out with, or a date for weddings and New Year's Eve and such.

But in my experience, the only long-term, romantic relationship that ever worked out was one where I sucked it up and asked out a girl I thought was way out of my league. Sometimes they say yes.

I'm kind of there myself. The guy I'm seeing seems so far out of my league, it's just ridiculous. But he likes me. I don't know why. Maybe he's ****ing insane.

We started off as friends, but there was a chemistry there from the beginning. Strong chemistry. We still held back, and stayed friends, but both felt something that just felt ... right ... when we were together. Like Eco said - like a piece of the puzzle was coming together. Our relationship, while moving slowly, is moving in a direction that I think we both want. We just want it the right way - the slow way - so neither of us gets destroyed again.

And if that puzzle piece doesn't fit like we thought it did, that's OK, too, because we were smart about the direction we took things.

 

[Superfly]

If someone doesn't fit, that's not a matter of judgement. You think us brilliant pretty people just get anyone we want? That's not how it works for anyone. We're a puzzle looking for a piece. It fits or it doesn't. That's no judgement on either the piece or the puzzle.

Just because a piece doesn't fit in your puzzle doesn't mean the piece or the puzzle is bad. You're probably gonna need to go through a lot of pieces to find one that fits. We're talking a long term project here. You'll have disappointments; probably this one. It's very unlikely that you find an appropriate piece on your first go. That doesn't happen. So you're gonna be disappointed. And then you're gonna be disappointed again. Probably 5 or 10 times before you find a piece that might fit.

You might as well get to fishing because you're gonna throw back a few and, almost certainly, the first one. Get to it.

So badass.

 

[grip]

I think the worst thing we do to sabotage close relationships is expecting the other to never let you down. Nobody you accept into your circle of trust is always going to make the right decisions any more than you are. It's about forgiving, accepting, and letting go in order to build the closeness with another that you both deserve. Sometimes 'love' is going to hurt but don't lose faith in it.

 

[Superfly]

I think the worst thing we do to sabotage close relationships is expecting the other to never let you down. Nobody you accept into your circle of trust is always going to make the right decisions any more than you are. It's about forgiving, accepting, and letting go in order to build the closeness with another that you both deserve. Sometimes 'love' is going to hurt but don't lose faith in it.

That's easier said than done. My ex hurt me so badly that I did give up. I wasn't interested in anyone or anything. He almost killed my capacity to love. Then I met the guy I'm seeing now, and I realized that maybe it was worth trying again.

Opening up your heart to anyone is a risk. They may like you less. They may hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you, ruin you. Or they may be the best thing that ever happened to you. They may be the one you've been looking for your whole life - that elusive piece of the puzzle that you never thought you'd find.

You'll never know what you're going to get unless you open up and let them in. Just let them in a little at a time. Baby steps.

 

[Herkamer63]

Not sure if you're looking for advice, or just to vent. Sounds to me like Jody is interested in you, but afraid to come across too strongly.

Ask her out. All she can say is no.

I am single, and getting back into dating again. I've been basically destroyed by past relationships, so I am taking things super slow with the guy I am seeing now. Works well because he, too, has been hurt. We are both in a spot where we are reaching out to each other, getting to know each other, traveling, spending the weekend together, but taking it slowly. If it happens, it happens. I like him enough that I am cautiously optimistic. I also, however, have huge walls built up around me to keep from being hurt again. Makes it tougher to fall for someone, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Forces you to take things slowly, just so you don't get hurt.

Call it venting with a piece of advice. I really thought one of friends or my cousin would be interested. My two friends (twins) are 44 y/o while my cousin is 54. Jody is 43 y/o, not only a single mother but also a grandmother. Her first kid she had when she was 18 and had two more with her ex-husband. I think she has two or three grandkids. The child that she bore (25 y/o) is getting married soon to a guy (30 y/o) who makes far more than I do. She herself makes pretty income as well. So as far as the age and financial fronts go, I may be out of my league (I'm 35 y/o), whereas my friends and cousin have a far better chance than I do.

And despite her being a grandmother, she's, in my eyes, a very good looking woman. She's energetic, does a lot of physical activity, and she enjoys getting out as much as possible. I figured the other guys would want to be with someone like that, dating a hot grandma, and they're closer to being father and grandfather figures than I am. They always wanted a family of their own, but why not adopt one? They wouldn't have to raise kids and only be there to play nice with and give them advice. That's it. They can enjoy being with her and have a lot fun for the most part. But turns out my friends want women 15-20 years younger then they are, while my cousin is chasing someone who obviously isn't interested. In addition to all that, even with my friends and cousin at the classes, Jody prefers being with me.

My past relationships didn't end well, but not because of me. Last woman I was with had called off our relationship because of a deceased ex-fiance. When the man was alive, he was horrible to her. Lied, cheated, stole, abused, and forced himself onto her. But yet she still liked him in the end, even after the break up. I didn't know any of this until after she called it off and thought about it for awhile, in addition to what her sister had told me after we called it off (her sister and I are friends, and even told me that it wasn't my fault). Throw in there that I was too stupid to see the warning signs with this woman on other things. Which leads me into the next point.

I don't want to fool myself like that again, like I'm afraid to fail at choosing the right woman. I thought I had a winner and could help her out with her problems, but I was mistaken. I'm just afraid that if this woman turns out to be someone similar or worse, like one of my other brother's marriage, I'd feel like a screw up again. Right now, my brother is getting ready to go through a divorce, and the woman he's married to has been very abusive in their relationship. Blames him for things he's never done, forced him to give up special needs agency, which EVERYONE loved but the wife didn't, got rid of a very kind and nice dog that she didn't like but SHE HAD GIVEN HIM as a gift, and other stupid things. I don't want any of that either.

So failure on my part is very much a fear of mine. Plus, I would think she'd be happier with the other guys I mentioned because I don't know why she likes me. I mean, I have fun with her whenever we see each other at the ballroom, and I told her so in our last message. And told her whenever she's looking to have fun, I'll be there. I don't message her often, but every time we talk, she seems excited. We shared a bottle of wine I got for the last party we were at, and she thanked me for it. She even told me she wanted to buy me one just for that. I told her not to worry getting me one and that I figured it would go over well. I guess she seems nice enough, but I'm wanting to take things slow, if we turn out to be a thing. Anyway, that's where my mind is at, right now.

 

[reflechissez]

That's easier said than done. My ex hurt me so badly that I did give up. I wasn't interested in anyone or anything. He almost killed my capacity to love. Then I met the guy I'm seeing now, and I realized that maybe it was worth trying again.

Opening up your heart to anyone is a risk. They may like you less. They may hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you, ruin you. Or they may be the best thing that ever happened to you. They may be the one you've been looking for your whole life - that elusive piece of the puzzle that you never thought you'd find.

You'll never know what you're going to get unless you open up and let them in. Just let them in a little at a time. Baby steps.

Everything is easier said than done.

Assuming you're emotionally healthy, nobody can "ruin" you.

 

[Superfly]

Everything is easier said than done.

Assuming you're emotionally healthy, nobody can "ruin" you.

Pro-tip: Maybe you shouldn't make assumptions about people you do not know.

 

[Superfly]

Call it venting with a piece of advice. I really thought one of friends or my cousin would be interested. My two friends (twins) are 44 y/o while my cousin is 54. Jody is 43 y/o, not only a single mother but also a grandmother. Her first kid she had when she was 18 and had two more with her ex-husband. I think she has two or three grandkids. The child that she bore (25 y/o) is getting married soon to a guy (30 y/o) who makes far more than I do. She herself makes pretty income as well. So as far as the age and financial fronts go, I may be out of my league (I'm 35 y/o), whereas my friends and cousin have a far better chance than I do.

And despite her being a grandmother, she's, in my eyes, a very good looking woman. She's energetic, does a lot of physical activity, and she enjoys getting out as much as possible. I figured the other guys would want to be with someone like that, dating a hot grandma, and they're closer to being father and grandfather figures than I am. They always wanted a family of their own, but why not adopt one? They wouldn't have to raise kids and only be there to play nice with and give them advice. That's it. They can enjoy being with her and have a lot fun for the most part. But turns out my friends want women 15-20 years younger then they are, while my cousin is chasing someone who obviously isn't interested. In addition to all that, even with my friends and cousin at the classes, Jody prefers being with me.

My past relationships didn't end well, but not because of me. Last woman I was with had called off our relationship because of a deceased ex-fiance. When the man was alive, he was horrible to her. Lied, cheated, stole, abused, and forced himself onto her. But yet she still liked him in the end, even after the break up. I didn't know any of this until after she called it off and thought about it for awhile, in addition to what her sister had told me after we called it off (her sister and I are friends, and even told me that it wasn't my fault). Throw in there that I was too stupid to see the warning signs with this woman on other things. Which leads me into the next point.

I don't want to fool myself like that again, like I'm afraid to fail at choosing the right woman. I thought I had a winner and could help her out with her problems, but I was mistaken. I'm just afraid that if this woman turns out to be someone similar or worse, like one of my other brother's marriage, I'd feel like a screw up again. Right now, my brother is getting ready to go through a divorce, and the woman he's married to has been very abusive in their relationship. Blames him for things he's never done, forced him to give up special needs agency, which EVERYONE loved but the wife didn't, got rid of a very kind and nice dog that she didn't like but SHE HAD GIVEN HIM as a gift, and other stupid things. I don't want any of that either.

So failure on my part is very much a fear of mine. Plus, I would think she'd be happier with the other guys I mentioned because I don't know why she likes me. I mean, I have fun with her whenever we see each other at the ballroom, and I told her so in our last message. And told her whenever she's looking to have fun, I'll be there. I don't message her often, but every time we talk, she seems excited. We shared a bottle of wine I got for the last party we were at, and she thanked me for it. She even told me she wanted to buy me one just for that. I told her not to worry getting me one and that I figured it would go over well. I guess she seems nice enough, but I'm wanting to take things slow, if we turn out to be a thing. Anyway, that's where my mind is at, right now.

Yes. Take things slow. And work on your confidence. Nothing is as sexy as confidence.

And probably lose the whole 'despite being a gramma' thing. I think I'm not terrible looking, and I'm a gramma. Not going to win any beauty contests, but I won't make a freight train take a dirt road, either.

 

[reflechissez]

Pro-tip: Maybe you shouldn't make assumptions about people you do not know.

Where did I make assumptions about you? I gave a general opinion about emotionally healthy people.

 

[grip]

That's easier said than done. My ex hurt me so badly that I did give up. I wasn't interested in anyone or anything. He almost killed my capacity to love. Then I met the guy I'm seeing now, and I realized that maybe it was worth trying again.

Opening up your heart to anyone is a risk. They may like you less. They may hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you, ruin you. Or they may be the best thing that ever happened to you. They may be the one you've been looking for your whole life - that elusive piece of the puzzle that you never thought you'd find.

You'll never know what you're going to get unless you open up and let them in. Just let them in a little at a time. Baby steps.

Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences and a significant other is closed off, unreasonable, or just toxic. You do have to love yourself first in order to know how to give love. You can't save a drowning person who refuses help.

My problem has always been in never finding someone who could accept my complete love and trust by returning it. I agree that real love develops overtime after the infatuation period is over. That's what I mean by sticking with it through the ups and downs but there are going to be exceptions.

I'll always love my sister but she's a crazy alcoholic, who I can't deal with because she's too damn mean. If she ever acts reasonably towards me, then we'll have some sort of relationship again. My heart just won't let me hate her though, no matter how crappy she treats me.

 

[Superfly]

Sometimes there are irreconcilable differences and a significant other is closed off, unreasonable, or just toxic. You do have to love yourself first in order to know how to give love. You can't save a drowning person who refuses help.

My problem has always been in never finding someone who could accept my complete love and trust by returning it. I agree that real love develops overtime after the infatuation period is over. That's what I mean by sticking with it through the ups and downs but there are going to be exceptions.

I'll always love my sister but she's a crazy alcoholic, who I can't deal with because she's too damn mean. If she ever acts reasonably towards me, then we'll have some sort of relationship again. My heart just won't let me hate her though, no matter how crappy she treats me.

An old friend told me that to truly be able to love, I have to love myself first. That's a tough row to hoe. I'm getting there. I still struggle, but I'm getting there.

Also - my mother told me about an ex - "A drowning man will take you down with him." When I threw off the yokes of what he brought to the relationship, I realized he was taking me down with him. I walked away. I'm a much better person as a result.

 

[Herkamer63]

@Superfly I hope you know where I'm coming from. Do I like this woman? I do, but would it right for me, given the circumstances? To be honest, I don't know. And I don't know if she truly does like me or not, in a romantic way. Part of the reason why staying just friends, right now, and keeping her at arm's length until I know.

My cousin use to joke saying that this woman is my gf because she spends quite a bit of time with me at these lessons and parties. He brought this up to my parents last time they got together. When I went to visit my parents, my mom had told me it's okay with both her and my dad to date someone who has kids. I even told them she's also a grandmother and they told me "so what" and explained why I should take her out. So, at least, it's good with my parents. One important factor in all this, though: her kids.

I'm just 10 years older than this woman's oldest child, her daughter, and her two boys just 2-4 years younger than their oldest sister. I don't know how they feel if their mother dated someone who's old enough to be their older brother. If one of my two friends or my cousin went out with her, then it would make sense because of age. I would see them not having an issue with that because all three are older than the woman.

Maybe I'm judging myself to harshly and overthinking it, but given my past experiences with women, I'm just a little on edge with this situation. I told myself that I would not be in a relationship with a single mother, let alone a grandmother, unless if there were circumstances out of her control, no fault of her own, or if the kids were adults. However, it's as if God decided He wanted to either be funny or put that to the test and actually find out for myself if I hold true to that. Whatever the case, I just never thought I'd be in something like this. Don't get me wrong, there a lot of men that would kill to be in a relationship with a beautiful grandmother, for bragging right purposes, and if this woman actually does like me and we go out, uh, yeah, there will be some jealous dudes out there. But I'd rather be sure first before I did anything. I'm just tired of setting myself up for failure.

 

[Herkamer63]

Yes. Take things slow. And work on your confidence. Nothing is as sexy as confidence.

And probably lose the whole 'despite being a gramma' thing. I think I'm not terrible looking, and I'm a gramma. Not going to win any beauty contests, but I won't make a freight train take a dirt road, either.

Fair enough

 

[Superfly]

@Superfly I hope you know where I'm coming from. Do I like this woman? I do, but would it right for me, given the circumstances? To be honest, I don't know. And I don't know if she truly does like me or not, in a romantic way. Part of the reason why staying just friends, right now, and keeping her at arm's length until I know.

My cousin use to joke saying that this woman is my gf because she spends quite a bit of time with me at these lessons and parties. He brought this up to my parents last time they got together. When I went to visit my parents, my mom had told me it's okay with both her and my dad to date someone who has kids. I even told them she's also a grandmother and they told me "so what" and explained why I should take her out. So, at least, it's good with my parents. One important factor in all this, though: her kids.

I'm just 10 years older than this woman's oldest child, her daughter, and her two boys just 2-4 years younger than their oldest sister. I don't know how they feel if their mother dated someone who's old enough to be their older brother. If one of my two friends or my cousin went out with her, then it would make sense because of age. I would see them not having an issue with that because all three are older than the woman.

Maybe I'm judging myself to harshly and overthinking it, but given my past experiences with women, I'm just a little on edge with this situation. I told myself that I would not be in a relationship with a single mother, let alone a grandmother, unless if there were circumstances out of her control, no fault of her own, or if the kids were adults. However, it's as if God decided He wanted to either be funny or put that to the test and actually find out for myself if I hold true to that. Whatever the case, I just never thought I'd be in something like this. Don't get me wrong, there a lot of men that would kill to be in a relationship with a beautiful grandmother, for bragging right purposes, and if this woman actually does like me and we go out, uh, yeah, there will be some jealous dudes out there. But I'd rather be sure first before I did anything. I'm just tired of setting myself up for failure.

Just take things slow. That's my best advice. Don't move too fast with anything with her, or anyone else. That, in my opinion, is setting yourself up for failure. I know this from experience.

Be slow like a mother****ing sloth. That's what I'm doing, and it seems to be working better for me, and for my heart. His, too.

 

[Rexedgar]

I remember one relationship from many years ago. I took the sloth route. When we finally crossed the Rubicon, she admitted that she was pretty sure I was going to turn out to be gay………

 

[ClaraD]

I would say date different people for awhile...don't look for a one person relationship, until you are comfortable with your new self and the idea of dating. You may surprise yourself with a few things....and you will not feel you missed out on anything. Dating takes time, so do relationships...and as you seen in my post...sometimes married people step on each other's toes...same is true for serious dating relationships. Love yourself first, then you can love others. I love my husband dearly and he loves me...and we have an age difference. However, both of us were a bit broken when we met...knowing how to overcome those broken parts and fixing them, took time. In over 10 years we have occasionally hurt each other's feelings...recently, I hurt his feelings...but I apologized and then explained myself(not the hurting of his feelings...that was uncalled for, but my reason for blowing up). He has hurt mine a few times in the past too....but he has apologized more than once for those occasions.

 

[joko104]

The only way for a certain "no" is if you don't ask. The more you put it off, the less interested you seem in her and the more you have instead put yourself into the friend zone. There's no return from that, not to a true romantic relationship. You also are making a mistake putting all your hopes on one women. Reading your message tells me you are moving counter productively stupidly slow. You have made it easy for her safely flirt with you as a game, the friend zone thing, and that's never good. You also are trying to determine if she's "the one" and you've never even kissed. What the hell is that? Such massive investment of emotion based upon what? Your desperation? To her mind, if she is interested romantically in you, you must not be much interested in her or you would have done something by now.

Over and over you write you're afraid, afraid, afraid of getting hurt. Well, pal, grow a pair, grow up. Stop being the hurt little boy. Become a man. Men are confident. A man isn't crushed if a woman says no. There's a million other women and it's her lose, not your's. That's how a man sees it, not a little boy rejected by his mom.

As a safe type question - given your wallowing in fear - is to ask her: "I really enjoy being with you. Are we just in the friend zone, or can there be more to us?" If she hedges, talks around it, struggles with, or worse acts shocked you'd even think she might be interested in you - you're wasting your time. If she says "why do you ask?" She's opened the door. Tell her. "you're a VERY attractive woman and I'm interested in exploring a romantic relationship with you." It is not possible to compliment a woman too much, while it is too easy to too much talk about yourself. Hint: She does at least 75% of the talking.

If you don't have a date coming out of that, forget it. And if you do get one, forget about telling her how much you are a frightened, wounded, insecure man - even if she acts sympathetic. Don't throw a self pity party nor turn it into a self pity party for her to throw too. Do you want her to pity you? Or be hot for you? Go physical as much as she will allow. But no more. ASK for consent first - always. "May I kiss you?" "Do I have your consent to become a little more physical?" "I'd like to have sex with you, may I have your consent?" If not that time, now it's on the table. Women prefer that more than just trying to make moves on body language. Plus you won't get "what the hell are you doing?!" shoving you off as you manhandle her like you're a rapist.

Oh, if she talks alot about some ex? She's still in love with him. The more she tells you she hates him, the more she still loves him. So beware of that. She wouldn't do that if you were above him to her, she'd be talking about you.

Do you want her to think you're not really that interested in her romantically and physically? Week after week and you make NO move? What an insult to her! You don't need to advertise you're an insecure loser when it comes to women. From my pre-marriage years, I learned anytime a woman said she "wants to go slow" it would result in bedding with her before sunrise. I could have it wrong, but it seems those words are to give her a safe exit, while at the same time thinking about sex. So if you pass her "he's ok" standard, it's game on.

You want to know the answer to your question before you ask her. Want her to say yes before you even ask. What a cowardly thing to do, wanting her tho be the man for you. Be a man yourself. Men takes risks going for a woman. If she's interested she WANTS to you want her and she wants YOU - the man - to show it. Don't waste much lifetime just in pursuit of a maybe with one woman. Stop being the hurt little boy so ego frail the mere thought of rejection destroys you.

Oh, a put a couple condoms in your wallet. Better, 3 in your pocket because with you're dry spell you won't last 7 seconds the first round. Of course, taking my advice could be one of the worst mistakes you ever made.

 

[joko104]

Call it venting with a piece of advice. I really thought one of friends or my cousin would be interested. My two friends (twins) are 44 y/o while my cousin is 54. Jody is 43 y/o, not only a single mother but also a grandmother. Her first kid she had when she was 18 and had two more with her ex-husband. I think she has two or three grandkids. The child that she bore (25 y/o) is getting married soon to a guy (30 y/o) who makes far more than I do. She herself makes pretty income as well. So as far as the age and financial fronts go, I may be out of my league (I'm 35 y/o), whereas my friends and cousin have a far better chance than I do.

And despite her being a grandmother, she's, in my eyes, a very good looking woman. She's energetic, does a lot of physical activity, and she enjoys getting out as much as possible. I figured the other guys would want to be with someone like that, dating a hot grandma, and they're closer to being father and grandfather figures than I am. They always wanted a family of their own, but why not adopt one? They wouldn't have to raise kids and only be there to play nice with and give them advice. That's it. They can enjoy being with her and have a lot fun for the most part. But turns out my friends want women 15-20 years younger then they are, while my cousin is chasing someone who obviously isn't interested. In addition to all that, even with my friends and cousin at the classes, Jody prefers being with me.

My past relationships didn't end well, but not because of me. Last woman I was with had called off our relationship because of a deceased ex-fiance. When the man was alive, he was horrible to her. Lied, cheated, stole, abused, and forced himself onto her. But yet she still liked him in the end, even after the break up. I didn't know any of this until after she called it off and thought about it for awhile, in addition to what her sister had told me after we called it off (her sister and I are friends, and even told me that it wasn't my fault). Throw in there that I was too stupid to see the warning signs with this woman on other things. Which leads me into the next point.

I'm afraid to fail at choosing the right woman. I'm just afraid that if this woman turns out to be someone similar or worse, like one of my other brother's marriage,

We shared a bottle of wine I got for the last party we were at, and she thanked me for it. She even told me she wanted to buy me one just for that. I told her not to worry getting me one and that I figured it would go over well. I guess she seems nice enough, but I'm wanting to take things slow, if we turn out to be a thing. Anyway, that's where my mind is at, right now.

What's with the grandmother talk? So you also are insecurely crippled worrying about what other men think of you too? Men who chase women 20 years younger are idiots dealing with their own insecurities that will always result in failed relationships - always.

Older women are H O T! Most 50 year olds are vastly better than most 20 year olds in bed by comparison, more secure in themselves, wiser, more loyal on average. However, they will be more cautious economically because they've come to learn reality matters.

OMG, you told her NOT to buy you a bottle of wine when she offered? If she gave you a box of condoms would you say "no thanks," still not sure if she's interested in you and terrified of rejection? Do you want her to BEG you? Until you are certain you and her would have a perfect marriage until the day you die its just too terrifying? Maybe you need her to take a polygraph test first to make sure she is totally hooked on you for life. That the thought of having a good time with a woman but it doesn't work out as a forever relationship is more terror than you can even think of? My god do you live in your head of ego frailty. Thinking this into the ground.

Either you are 100% in the friend zone or she's all but throwing herself at you. The more you keep acting like this, the more you put yourself into the friend zone.

Hey, I don't know you or her so give my comments their worth - nothing more than food for thought.

 

[joko104]

Clarification and apology if misunderstood. I am referring to the OPer's words, not him personally. I don't know him or her, nor other issues he may have.

Years ago I was on a very heavily moderated relationship forum run by two psychologists and strict moderators. No baiting, trolling and such were allowed. Strictly not allowed. However, a person could call it like they see it if a legitimate topic, even if harsh. There also was an internal forum most were not allowed on. They gave points for good messages and I was racking them up fast, and even common for their staff to post to men "Read this" with links to my message. I'm a simple straight forward man when it comes to some relationship and sexuality topics, not lost in Hollywood portrayals of love scenes and what is romantic and works sexually.

The biggest problem for men, husbands or not, was desperation over a failed sex life, meaning she's not getting orgasmic. Trying stupid stuff, but common on Hollywood and maybe in porn, and I would explain this cures nothing because sex is physical, not an acting role. For example, "dirty talk," like calling the woman a "dirty xxxxx" and other insults. I would explain she's going to tell her parents, her siblings, her friends - and at a rough spot in the relationship it becomes a weapon - and finally a divorce court judge in a custody hearing learning the horrific foul names he called her. Even if he tried to explain it was just sex play, she's not going to agree, said she hated it, and now maybe he's facing supervised visitation.

The other problem is men who are insecure, shy and could not handle the thought of rejection, whether or not bruised from prior relationship(s). I was never tender with that. That is the role for women posters. I saw it as more bar-guy talk coming from me as a man, basically telling them to put on their big boy pants, be a man, not a child - because that's how I think most women will come to see it, though at first may see him as a gentle or compassionate man.

Anyway, again, I am not posting about the OPer himself personally, only what I'm reading in the words of his message. There could be far more at play than he reveals too and may be other factors he did not feel comfortable telling or may not recognize.

 

[joko104]

An old friend told me that to truly be able to love, I have to love myself first. That's a tough row to hoe. I'm getting there. I still struggle, but I'm getting there.

Also - my mother told me about an ex - "A drowning man will take you down with him." When I threw off the yokes of what he brought to the relationship, I realized he was taking me down with him. I walked away. I'm a much better person as a result.

I agree with your mother. No one is responsible for another person's happiness, other than doing their part in the relationship. It is not the task to constantly cajole, placate, tolerate etc.