SIL/BIL Question......

[Tigger]

The MIL/FIL thread got me thinking about an issue that my girlfriend )Tisha) and I are dealing with right now.....

My girlfriend has two younger sisters (Sara & Jessi), neither of whom are married. There are a total of 7 children (ages 4 months - 9 years) between the two girls, and only one of the three fathers of these children is still in the picture. The father of Jessi's three kids (Andy) has been with her for the last 7 years. They live together but there are no plans for a marriage any time soon. Sara's four kids have two different fathers and she has chosen not to introduce her current boyfriend to the family.

Right now there is a lot of jealousy being directed at Tisha and myself from my Sara, Jessi, and Andy. Part of this has to do with the fact that I'm in a relatively stable financial and life situation at the moment and none of them are; which means that Tisha and I are able to do a bunch of things (movies, dinner out, etc....) that they aren't. Another major part of it is that Tisha's parents have really taken a liking to me, whereas they have never really approved of any of the guys that Sara and Jessi have brought home. They grudgingly accept Andy but he's not really well liked by either of his potential in-laws, even after 7 years.

This jealousy has shown up in a number of ways. Tisha is the oldest of the three girls, and the other two are much closer than she is to either of them. She would really like to have Sara and Jessi's blessing/approval/happiness for the relationship that she and I have; but the girl's jealousy has kind of kept that from happening openly. I've gone so far as to politely let both of the girls know that Tisha really wants to know that they are happy for her/us and they claim they are; but their attitudes and actions say something very different. Especially any time that their parents bring me up in a conversation.

I don't feel a need to "compete" with Andy for the affections of our potential in-laws. We're two very different people from different backgrounds. I have no problem with him personally. I may not necessarily agree with everything he does, but that's his and Jessi's situation to deal with, not mine. Unfortunately it seems like Andy feels it necessary to "compete" with me, because in only 5 months I've gotten the acceptance from the potential in-laws that he's been denied for the last 7 years. Andy and I get along fairly well, until someone brings up some sort of comparative comment. IE...... "Gee Andy, you and Jessi have been together 7 years and it looks like Tisha and Scott might end up getting married before you guys do." or "Tisha and Scott brought stuff for lunch when they came down for a visit last weekend. When's the last time you guys did something like that?"

I'm looking for a little bit of insight and/or advice on how to deal with this situation. Tisha and I want to have a positive relationship with her ENTIRE family, not just her parents. Sara and Jessi's kids have really taken a liking to me for the most part; so it's really just a matter of figuring out how to deal with this tension/jealousy issue. I've seen families where this sort of issue has caused major divisions inside the family.... "If X is going to be there, we WON'T be there!!" type of things, and worse. I really don't want to see this turn into that.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Can't control what other people do or how they feel. Take the high road, be a gentleman, and show your future sisters and brother the love that you wish they would show you-- you cannot make them do the right thing, but you can refuse to provide them with any excuses not to.

 

[Tigger]

Can't control what other people do or how they feel. Take the high road, be a gentleman, and show your future sisters and brother the love that you wish they would show you-- you cannot make them do the right thing, but you can refuse to provide them with any excuses not to.

That's pretty much the road we've taken so far, Viktyr. Really our biggest fear is that it's more her parents that are going to accidentally cause a major problem rather than my girlfriend or myself.

 

[Superfly]

Why would her parents cause a problem? I'm confused - did I read wrong? I thought the problem was her sisters?

Screw them. They are going to be miserable and unhappy until they get married, if they ever do, and your GF is the enemy, sister or not. Also, they are very jealous of you and what you are doing for your gf and her parents.

My sister did the same thing to me, but went farther and borrowed money from us like it was going out of style, and faked caring for my husband, until he turned off the spigot. Now she hates him with the fires of 1,000 hells. Because of the way she has treated him (and other things that she has done), it has driven a huge wedge in any kind of relationship that she and I ever had, and now I don't even consider her a sister. I call her my mother's younger daughter. I just visited my mother for the first time in about a year and a half, and made it very clear that I wanted her youngest daughter nowhere near me, and nowhere near my mother's house during the length of my visit. Childish? Probably. But I try very hard to have no stress in my life, and excluding her from life has given me and my family an immense amount of peace.

Just because somebody is family doesn't mean they aren't toxic. Family will screw you quicker than anybody.

Good luck.

 

[Tigger]

Why would her parents cause a problem? I'm confused - did I read wrong? I thought the problem was her sisters?

Screw them. They are going to be miserable and unhappy until they get married, if they ever do, and your GF is the enemy, sister or not. Also, they are very jealous of you and what you are doing for your gf and her parents......

.......Good luck.

Her parents don't do it INTENTIONALLY, but they haven't seemed to have caught on to the level of jealousy and bitterness in the family at the moment. It's things like commenting on how pleased my gf's grandfather (visiting from Puerto Rico) was that I made it a point to go and introduce myself to him the first time we met whereas Jessi's boyfriend didn't even give him the time of day. Commenting on the fact that we generally bring food with us for the group, and do things like that unlike the others. They're just kind of unintentionally fueling the fires of the jealousy and discontent, which of course just gives the girls and Andy more of a reason to be upset with us.

Of course it got a little more interesting yesterday..... They were talking about what's going to happen with the kids the first weekend in August when my gf's parents go to NYC for the weekend. Sara is going out of town that weekend for a wedding, so they were trying to figure out the details of making sure there was somewhere for her 4 kids to stay that weekend. Jessi picked up Michael (Sara's 2 year old) and said to him.... "You wanna come stay with Titi(aunt) Jessi when mommy goes away?" His immediate response was... "NO! Stay with 'Cott (how he pronounces Scott) and Tisha! Stay with 'Cott and Tisha!" In the evening he proceeded to demand that I be the one who took him upstairs and put him to bed, even over his grandmother and mom.

 

[Superfly]

ouch. That didn't make it easier, I'm sure.

Tough situation, and I feel for you. Not everybody's family is like the Brady Bunch. Those that don't have family issues don't always understand those that do. They feel like, "It's family - work it out." Not always that easy, though.

 

[Medusa]

mother of my ex fiance was a blair witch that is both ignorant and arrogant and never showed respect to me as I did.And I always did teh best I could in order to avoid all disagreements and discussions .And his son never did anything to prevent his dear mom from acting like an ass .she was the biggest reason for us to split up while there were just a few months to marry.

tigger ,you should get her family to stay out of your relation...

 

[Alyssa]

Why would her parents cause a problem? I'm confused - did I read wrong? I thought the problem was her sisters?

Screw them. They are going to be miserable and unhappy until they get married, if they ever do, and your GF is the enemy, sister or not. Also, they are very jealous of you and what you are doing for your gf and her parents.

My sister did the same thing to me, but went farther and borrowed money from us like it was going out of style, and faked caring for my husband, until he turned off the spigot. Now she hates him with the fires of 1,000 hells. Because of the way she has treated him (and other things that she has done), it has driven a huge wedge in any kind of relationship that she and I ever had, and now I don't even consider her a sister. I call her my mother's younger daughter. I just visited my mother for the first time in about a year and a half, and made it very clear that I wanted her youngest daughter nowhere near me, and nowhere near my mother's house during the length of my visit. Childish? Probably. But I try very hard to have no stress in my life, and excluding her from life has given me and my family an immense amount of peace.

Just because somebody is family doesn't mean they aren't toxic. Family will screw you quicker than anybody.

Good luck.

Definitely. Not to mention heartless.

Sure family will screw you over, but so will anyone else. People in general suck. But saying "you're not my sister anymore" is childish and cruel. And then telling your mom that you don't want her "youngest daughter nowhere near" her house is just plain selfish. If all you care about is your own stress level, why even deal with family at all?

 

[Tigger]

ouch. That didn't make it easier, I'm sure.

Nope. Nor will the fact that Tisha and I are taking her parents to the New England Aquarium in Boston this coming Saturday. Nor the fact that his Father's Day present is a new door lock for the basement door, to keep the grandkids and his daughters out of there.

Tough situation, and I feel for you. Not everybody's family is like the Brady Bunch. Those that don't have family issues don't always understand those that do. They feel like, "It's family - work it out." Not always that easy, though.

I understand it's not always the Brady Bunch. So long as her parents are happy, I'm fine with it. As Tisha and I keep talking about with the sisters..... "Kill them with kindness"

mother of my ex fiance was a blair witch that is both ignorant and arrogant and never showed respect to me as I did.And I always did teh best I could in order to avoid all disagreements and discussions .And his son never did anything to prevent his dear mom from acting like an ass .she was the biggest reason for us to split up while there were just a few months to marry.

tigger ,you should get her family to stay out of your relation...

Her parents absolutely love me. It's only the two sisters who are a problem. They like me, but they're very jealous of what Tish and I have going on.

 

[Goshin]

A thought: Take the two sisters and the babydaddy out with you and the lil' lady sometime. Nice dinner somewhere, maybe go to a show together.... might go a long way toward quenching the jealousy if you spread the largesse around a little, not just for the parents.

 

[Medusa]

Nope. Nor will the fact that Tisha and I are taking her parents to the New England Aquarium in Boston this coming Saturday. Nor the fact that his Father's Day present is a new door lock for the basement door, to keep the grandkids and his daughters out of there.



I understand it's not always the Brady Bunch. So long as her parents are happy, I'm fine with it. As Tisha and I keep talking about with the sisters..... "Kill them with kindness"



Her parents absolutely love me. It's only the two sisters who are a problem. They like me, but they're very jealous of what Tish and I have going on.

okay ,and keep away from those two .))

 

[Tigger]

A thought: Take the two sisters and the babydaddy out with you and the lil' lady sometime. Nice dinner somewhere, maybe go to a show together.... might go a long way toward quenching the jealousy if you spread the largesse around a little, not just for the parents.

We've talked about it. We're just having an issue coming up with somewhere everyone wants to go. Tisha and I are more the Applebee's and the latest release at the box office speed while the other three are the go out to the nightclub at 10pm and party until 3am while spending $175 on alcohol type. We're having a little trouble finding something in the middle to agree upon.

 

[Goshin]

We've talked about it. We're just having an issue coming up with somewhere everyone wants to go. Tisha and I are more the Applebee's and the latest release at the box office speed while the other three are the go out to the nightclub at 10pm and party until 3am while spending $175 on alcohol type. We're having a little trouble finding something in the middle to agree upon.

Yeah I can see where that would be a problem. I'm more the former type myself, and spending four hours at some loud nightclub with people getting ****faced would irritate the crap out of me.


Not to mention I'd fall asleep about midnight.

 

[Medusa]

Yeah I can see where that would be a problem. I'm more the former type myself, and spending four hours at some loud nightclub with people getting ****faced would irritate the crap out of me.


Not to mention I'd fall asleep about midnight.

İ knew that! and it is why ı prefered to go to an art gallery with you:lol:

 

[Goshin]

İ knew that! and it is why ı prefered to go to an art gallery with you:lol:

I like art. Haven't been to a gallery in some time, that's an appealing thought.

 

[Superfly]

Definitely. Not to mention heartless.

Sure family will screw you over, but so will anyone else. People in general suck. But saying "you're not my sister anymore" is childish and cruel. And then telling your mom that you don't want her "youngest daughter nowhere near" her house is just plain selfish. If all you care about is your own stress level, why even deal with family at all?

Because I can want to deal with part of my family and not deal with the other. Do you not have family that you loathe? Don't tell me. I know you do. We've had this conversation before. As far as being selfish, I could care less if I am being selfish. When she told me 2 years ago that I killed my father, she became less than nothing to me, and my mother knows that to be able to see me and her granddaughters, she has to make that one small sacrifice, for the amount of time we are there.

 

[Alyssa]

Because I can want to deal with part of my family and not deal with the other. Do you not have family that you loathe? Don't tell me. I know you do. We've had this conversation before. As far as being selfish, I could care less if I am being selfish. When she told me 2 years ago that I killed my father, she became less than nothing to me, and my mother knows that to be able to see me and her granddaughters, she has to make that one small sacrifice, for the amount of time we are there.

Of course I have family I loathe. That's ****ed up that she told you that killed your dad. wtf?