When we're in difficult situations, Cat, I mean situations that are painful....when do we change? We change only when it's more painful in a codependent relationship than outside of it. We rationalize..."I'm doing it for the children....for my mom...whatever" but basically it's just more painful to change than to put up with things as they are. And then we often look to others for sympathy. Those who offer us constructive advice are usually avoided. We basically know how to solve our problems...we just don't want to right now. (Opinion, of course.)
I totally agree. Dozens of people told me that my cheating ex-husband was bad for me, and after they expressed these opinons which were mostly based in deep concern for my well-being, I avoided them like the plague. I finally fixed things for two reasons. First, because a guy (who was a friend) treated me with such deep kindness that I didn't understand (and yet, craved in my life, and realized I was starving for it), without ever criticizing my marital circumstances, and his kindness made me realize exactly how unhappy I was. And second, because I woke up one morning and realized that I was going to become an unhappy, bitter old woman if I didn't fix my life. I started by drawing a line in the sand with my ex-husband, giving him one last opportunity to live like a decent human being, and then forcing myself to walk away when the inevitable occurred.
My mom is borderline, and growing up in that family is why I'm codependent. We were made responsible for her happiness and wellbeing. And, as a consequence, I married a man who is also borderline and became his caretaker. It took years to deal with my issues, and some days, I'm still enmeshed in them.
For instance, I can get angry at my guy (though he is the nicest person on the planet) but expressing that anger is terrifying for me, and I usually have a panic attack if I do so. Being a child of a codependent and the ex-wife of one, I wasn't really allowed to have feelings (of anger, betrayal, etc.), it always ended up being about them and their happiness, and if I did ever get angry, they would turn around and brutally attack me (verbally, mostly, though in my mom's case it was emotional, verbal and physical). So, I learned to turn off my own (normal) anger response to injustice directed at me by the people I loved the most, and stifled it. I did that for my own survival.
It's a crazy thing, codependence.
And I don't know what that is when I get so angry that I freeze. l
See above. I can get angry at the poeple I work with, at projects, at items, and even at my kids, but I can't get angry at my romantic partner without having a major fear response.
