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President Obama's New Oil-Spill Strategy

Burning Giraffe

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President Obama has had to stomach a mass of criticism over the British Petroleum oil spill. Some of it deserved, but most of it undeserved. The fact is, there are few things the imperial federal government can actually do during such disasters. Yes, the President could have continued chemical dispersions deeper in the Gulf. Yes, the President could have given Louisiana the resources its' Governor was asking for, immediately. Yes, the President could have ordered the immediate burn which was slated to be the federal governments response in the event of a blowout of an oil rig at sea.

2009.12.20.South_Korea_gives_President_Obama_License_to_Kick_Ass.jpg

However, the President cannot make the oil go away. The federal government doesn't have the knowledge to deal with a technical problem of this size and scope. Remember, the government is comprised of government workers. If any of these people were leaders in their fields, they would be working in the private sector. It is irrational to believe that the Government is the kind of organization capable of acting competently, efficiently, or quickly. So, for the most part, let's cut the President some slack.

That said, Democrats are clearly worried about the perception that Obama might just be as inept at running the federal bureaucracy as was President George W. Bush. In order to address this perception, many Democrats have articulated to the President that he needs to be much more of an asshole. The official asshole policy looks something like this:

Step One: Harass British Petroleum with waves of lawyers. Step Two: Try to Blame the oil spill on President Bush. Step Three: Repeatedly bash the CEO of BP. Step Four: Declare that Oil is Evil and promise to one day defeat it.

Being an Asshole is a very difficult strategy to implement. See, if you know what you are talking about and you really understand the ins and outs of an issue, then when you address that issue you come off sounding confidant and decisive. In order to be an Asshole you have to speak notwithstanding the facts. In other words, reality isn't relevant. All that matters is perception-creation, blame, and the appearance of righteous indignation. You see, for politicians (and most assholes in general), battles are won or lost depending upon who musters up the most righteous indignation first.

President Obama is a bit late to the party, but his Asshole Strategy is finally on target.

President Barack Obama would have fired BP's CEO Tony Hayward over controversial comments downplaying the Gulf oil spill — if the executive had been working for him. During an interview with Matt Lauer on NBC's TODAY to be broadcast Tuesday, the president added his voice to calls for Hayward's resignation amid claims from a former EPA lawyer that BP is a "recurring environmental criminal."

Some 25 million to 39 million gallons of oil are estimated to have gone into the Gulf of Mexico since the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded on April 20, killing 11 workers. The BP executive last month complained about the amount of time he is spending dealing with the disaster, saying "I would like my life back," and also played down the spill's effect. The Gulf was "a big ocean," he said, adding "the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest."

"He wouldn't be working for me after any of those statements," Obama told TODAY.

Obama also defended himself against criticism about his handling the disaster, saying he had been in the Gulf a month ago before "most of these talking heads were even paying attention." "I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar," the president added. "We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."

The president's remarks were part of a stepped-up White House effort to show Obama is actively engaged in dealing with the spill and to distance itself from the London-based oil giant, formerly known as British Petroleum. Polls have shown a majority of Americans believe Obama has handled the crisis poorly. The administration has stopped using the same figures as BP any more for how much oil is flowing from the blown-out well and how much is being captured. MSNBC

That's right Mr. President. You need to figure out whose ass to kick. You can't help, you can't be constructive, but you can kick ass. You're like Chuck Norris and James Bond combined!

Mr. President, you have definitely distinguished yourself by refusing to use the same numbers as BP. If they say there is a million gallons of oil in Gulf, you'll say two million. If BP says 100 billion, you'll say 100 trillion. If BP says 100 trillion, you'll say one hundred million billion trillion gazillion times infinity! Because that's just the type of asshole you are. We must now wait to find out whether or not the Presidents' "Asshole Strategy" is working. I'm sure MSNBC will have a poll here in a few days to measure the Asshole In Chief's effectiveness, which I imagine will be significant. Americans have no clue what's going on in the world, unless Charlie Sheen or the Desperate Housewives make some mention of recent events in one of their episodes. All they need to know is that the oil spill sucks and that the President is being an asshole about it. Now they can sleep at night, knowing that all is right in the world.
 

Deuce

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Standard conservative gross extrapolation of what someone said to fit a talking point.
 

Burning Giraffe

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Standard conservative gross extrapolation of what someone said to fit a talking point.

I'm not a "conservative". Do I use sarcasm to make light of a President who is grossely unqualified and overwhelmed in his current position? Yes.
 
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