parents disciplining children

[UtahBill]

I can say for myself that taking a spanking was not all that painful an experience. The real pain is knowing that I let my dad down. Feeling shame is a much more powerful emotion than the fear of a belt. In raising a child, instilling a fear of failure and of doing things you shouldn't is paramount. If a child does not have the capability to feel ashamed of his actions, no amount of corporal punishment will be enough. I see kids these days, little kids, getting away with acting out in public and doing whatever they want without anyone making them stop. No discipline. No shame. It's really sad to think of what will become of that generation.

God, I sound old

Good point. If the child/parent relationship is good, with mutual respect and love, spanking will be rare. I could just raise my voice to one of mine, and she would "stand corrected", sometimes she would be in tears because she felt I was angry with her. Another needed an occasional smack on the upper leg, where there was no diaper padding. At certain ages that is all they understand, and if NO doesn't keep them from sticking metal objects into the wall socket, a slap on the leg will.
But that is just spanking, or swatting. Being beat with a belt, I have experience with that as well, and it wasn't because I deserved it (except for a few times), it was because one of my parents had frustrations to take out on someone, and I was the chosen target. Did that parent earn any love or respect? Absolutely not. It was a very poorly attended funeral, when the time came.

 

[ngdawg]

Yet oddly enough you can go back 30 or 40 years and violence was nothing near what it is today. There was a strong code of ethics and responsibility drummed into children, and occasionally smack or two. Now there is little discipline and guns are being brought to school between the rapes and the muggings.

But that goes back to lack of ANY discipline, teaching of values and learning responsibility.
Too many of the kids I worked with went home after school to empty houses. Ask them why they were up til 3am, they'd say because they can-their parents 'didn't care'. They had no clue what was expected of them, behavior-wise because mom and dad were too wrapped up in themselves to take the time to TEACH.

 

[alphieb]

Well, my parent spanked me and I'm gonna spank my kids. There's one. I was not "emotionally damaged" by it. I have never doubted my mom's love for me and we are closer than any other mother/daughter relationship that I have seen. It's a form of discipline that works much better than time out for 2-5 year olds. How long you gonna put your 4 year-old in time out when they put a brick through your TV?

Um...."a brick through the window", my 6 year would never do that.....I taught him early on, not to behave that way and that is the key. Maybe if I spanked him all the time he would behave as such.

 

[Calm2Chaos]

But that goes back to lack of ANY discipline, teaching of values and learning responsibility.
Too many of the kids I worked with went home after school to empty houses. Ask them why they were up til 3am, they'd say because they can-their parents 'didn't care'. They had no clue what was expected of them, behavior-wise because mom and dad were too wrapped up in themselves to take the time to TEACH.

Agreed..... But it also goes to a lack of discipline. If my parents weren't there I still knew what my boundries were. And I knew there was a hefty price to pay if i got caught crossing them. I'm your father not your friend. Whne you turn 18 we can be friends. But until them I have a very limited amount of time to teach you what I believe you need to know. And I am going to use the tools I think I need to achieve that goal. I play and joke with my kids, but they know dam sure when i get serious.

 

[Calm2Chaos]

Um...."a brick through the window", my 6 year would never do that.....I taught him early on, not to behave that way and that is the key. Maybe if I spanked him all the time he would behave as such.

I have yet to hear anyone say you should spank your kids all the time except for you. Is there a reason your putting words into peoples mouths or exagerating the circumstances....

Nobody is talking about constantly beating children for the fun of it. I got my ass whooped when I was a kid. When I fukd up i payed for it. And for all intent and purpose i grew up realatively normal...LOL I have a family, I make a good living and I take care of my resposibilities.

 

[Kelzie]

Um...."a brick through the window", my 6 year would never do that.....I taught him early on, not to behave that way and that is the key. Maybe if I spanked him all the time he would behave as such.

I didn't say 6. I said 4. You can reason with a six year old. Much more difficult with a 4 year old. Put them in time out for an hour and it will be forgotten by the next day. Smack their butts, especially when physical punishment is only used in extreme circumstances, and they'll know they're in trouble.

 

[Calm2Chaos]

I didn't say 6. I said 4. You can reason with a six year old. Much more difficult with a 4 year old. Put them in time out for an hour and it will be forgotten by the next day. Smack their butts, especially when physical punishment is only used in extreme circumstances, and they'll know they're in trouble.

And yet the smack on the ass doesn't turn them into a sociopath. But it does leave a lasting reminder. I rarley ever have to spank my kids twice for the same thing. It's not something I do often, but when I use it. it's remebered

 

[UtahBill]

Um...."a brick through the window", my 6 year would never do that.....I taught him early on, not to behave that way and that is the key. Maybe if I spanked him all the time he would behave as such.

Actually, Kelzie said brick through a TV, which is downright dangerous. TV tubes are under a vacuum, and will implode first, then explode. So there is some potentially serious damage to the 4 year old. Any time there is dangerous behavior involved , and the child is of the age where talking is not yet effective, a swat or stinging slap on the leg might be the only option. Sometimes you just have to get their attention.
Constant yelling will not work, as the kid gets used to that and learns to ignore it. They need to know that when you raise your voice, it is time to stop whatever they are doing and listen up.

 

[Old and wise]

But that goes back to lack of ANY discipline, teaching of values and learning responsibility.
Too many of the kids I worked with went home after school to empty houses. Ask them why they were up til 3am, they'd say because they can-their parents 'didn't care'. They had no clue what was expected of them, behavior-wise because mom and dad were too wrapped up in themselves to take the time to TEACH.

That is exactly what the problem is in this so-called modern age. Parents bring children into the world and don't have a clue as to how to raise them properly. I still believe that a spanking is needed now and then when all other efforts fail. My parents never spanked me unless I absolutely deserved it and, even after all these years, I still think they were right in doing so. It made me a better person and I respect them for doing it at the right time.

A lot of parents these days just don't give a damn how their kids grow up. It is a shame what our society has become.

 

[Calm2Chaos]

That is exactly what the problem is in this so-called modern age. Parents bring children into the world and don't have a clue as to how to raise them properly. I still believe that a spanking is needed now and then when all other efforts fail. My parents never spanked me unless I absolutely deserved it and, even after all these years, I still think they were right in doing so. It made me a better person and I respect them for doing it at the right time.

A lot of parents these days just don't give a damn how their kids grow up. It is a shame what our society has become.

Damm ... I actualy agree with everything you said...... Thats a first...

 

[UtahBill]

That is exactly what the problem is in this so-called modern age. Parents bring children into the world and don't have a clue as to how to raise them properly. I still believe that a spanking is needed now and then when all other efforts fail. My parents never spanked me unless I absolutely deserved it and, even after all these years, I still think they were right in doing so. It made me a better person and I respect them for doing it at the right time.

A lot of parents these days just don't give a damn how their kids grow up. It is a shame what our society has become.

and it is a shame that the teachers have to put up with those kids without parental support...

 

[Aurora151989]

and it is a shame that the teachers have to put up with those kids without parental support...

and that is why i posted this thread.. i was carrying it over from "paddling in school" 2 different topics but closely related

 

[alphieb]

I have yet to hear anyone say you should spank your kids all the time except for you. Is there a reason your putting words into peoples mouths or exagerating the circumstances....

Nobody is talking about constantly beating children for the fun of it. I got my ass whooped when I was a kid. When I fukd up i payed for it. And for all intent and purpose i grew up realatively normal...LOL I have a family, I make a good living and I take care of my resposibilities.

I am not doubting you grew up normal so to speak, but I got whipped too and I do not condone it....My son (six) is an excellent kid and I have only whipped him twice....and trust me I have wanted to whip him more. It is not necessary......He is a a straight A student at a private school.....nurture and love your children....teach them without hitting them,,,,,,,,PLEASE

 

[teacher]

Um...."a brick through the window", my 6 year would never do that.....I taught him early on, not to behave that way and that is the key. Maybe if I spanked him all the time he would behave as such.

What a condescending statement. All kids are different. Anyone with the attitude "my child wouldn't do that" are the ones that say the same as their offspring are strapped into the electric chair for mass murder and rape. You got your head up your ass. He's only 6. You've yet to reap your mollycoddling. Wait until he's 14. Good luck. I had to beat only one of my four kids. The boy needed it. When he set a shirt on fire that he didn't like to wear, he got a beating. I don't tell you how to raise your kids, but your type seems comfortable pushing your views on others. Get out of our figgin lives.

I said I got some beating anecdotes, let's begin.

So I'm in the grocery store one day, the boy was about 5. He's acting up bad. In the checkout line I finally grab him by the front of the shirt and tell him he's gonna get it when we get home. The lady behind me in line told me if I touch him she will call the police. I told her if she butted into my life I would beat her to within a inch of her life. The boy got a beating when we got home. The lady never called the police. The boy grew out of his ass beating needs soon enough.

 

[akyron]

So I'm in the grocery store one day, the boy was about 5. He's acting up bad. In the checkout line I finally grab him by the front of the shirt and tell him he's gonna get it when we get home. The lady behind me in line told me if I touch him she will call the police. I told her if she butted into my life I would beat her to within a inch of her life. The boy got a beating when we got home. The lady never called the police. The boy grew out of his ass beating needs soon enough.

I would laugh but my boy is 2 and is just starting to get really willful. He listens for the most part and is repentent when he knows he has done something requiring consequences. The only time I spanked him for real was when he insisted on getting into some electrical equipment that might have been detrimental to his health. He has not shown an interest in that type of stuff after that. Mostly timeout and a sit down explanation works.
I have seen kids that that would have little or no effect on however.
Anyone seen supernanny?

 

[ddoyle00]

" It's a form of discipline that works much better than time out for 2-5 year olds.
How long you gonna put your 4 year-old in time out when they put a brick through your TV?"


When you say better, do you really mean faster?

When a brick flew into the tv, I can imagine you were very angry and corporal punishment was the first thing that flew into you mind. Thats why its instant gratification. After hitting your kid, you calmed down a bit, right?
Thats why its so easy to hit your kids instead of trying a different approach.

 

[paulmarkj]

I have never physically punished any of my children and they have grown up to be loving, caring, straight A students. They never get into trouble and are well balanced, social and happy children. (Aged between 8 and 16).

It can be done.

I was never physically punished as a child, so I don't really even know how to do it.

As a teacher I've taught all age groups and don't need to hit them nor threaten to. Although I don't teach as young as 4 year olds, I know people who do, and they can control a class of them without resorting to violence.

Should you reason with a 4 year old? Yes, this is when they should be learning that reasoning is the way forward. Even if you believe they cannot reason at the age, how will they ever learn?

If a 4 year old cannot reason, then they cannot reason that a slap on the legs (or whatever you do) is because they did something wrong. They will not even know they've done wrong.

If an 2 year old misbehaves (eg: picks up a brick to throw) take it away from her and tell her not to do it. (But put the brick out of reach).

If child who is old enough to reason picks up a brick to throw through the TV, then something hase already gone wrong with their development. This is not normal behaviour for a child who is 'old enough to know better', ie: know they are doing wrong.

(The question that is alway brought up in the UK, is 'How do you deal with a child who is about to run into the road?', the answer being you slap them, but that is wrong. If your child does not know road safety, then they should never be in a situation where they can run into the road - it relies on you being fast enough to stop them. Only when they are old enough to understand properly the saftey issues should they be in that situation.)

 

[mixedmedia]

I have never physically punished any of my children and they have grown up to be loving, caring, straight A students. They never get into trouble and are well balanced, social and happy children. (Aged between 8 and 16).

It can be done.

I was never physically punished as a child, so I don't really even know how to do it.

As a teacher I've taught all age groups and don't need to hit them nor threaten to. Although I don't teach as young as 4 year olds, I know people who do, and they can control a class of them without resorting to violence.

Should you reason with a 4 year old? Yes, this is when they should be learning that reasoning is the way forward. Even if you believe they cannot reason at the age, how will they ever learn?

If a 4 year old cannot reason, then they cannot reason that a slap on the legs (or whatever you do) is because they did something wrong. They will not even know they've done wrong.

If an 2 year old misbehaves (eg: picks up a brick to throw) take it away from her and tell her not to do it. (But put the brick out of reach).

If child who is old enough to reason picks up a brick to throw through the TV, then something hase already gone wrong with their development. This is not normal behaviour for a child who is 'old enough to know better', ie: know they are doing wrong.

(The question that is alway brought up in the UK, is 'How do you deal with a child who is about to run into the road?', the answer being you slap them, but that is wrong. If your child does not know road safety, then they should never be in a situation where they can run into the road - it relies on you being fast enough to stop them. Only when they are old enough to understand properly the saftey issues should they be in that situation.)

This is a very nice post that reflects my own viewpoint on this subject. I do think it is possible in most cases to discipline and teach children without striking them.

That said, though, I am not one to pass judgement on another parent's manner of dealing with their children's misbehavior. I have known children who are particularly difficult to manage and it is very easy to lose control when you are dealing with your kids, esp. when there are mitigating factors involved - like your level of stress, being in public, the mental strength you have to deal with it at the time, etc.

While I have never spanked my children, I have lost my temper and yelled at them in a way that makes me feel ashamed of myself later on. But very often I have also been able to successfully negotiate with my kids in a way (calmly & with authority) that makes me feel very good. I think the same goes with spanking - if it is done in a way that is controlled and not emotional, then I don't have much problem with it.

Most unfortunately, some parents abuse their children. But this rarely has anything to do with behavior or punishment, imo. The rest of us are fallible and doing our best to be better at it. I personally, have never become acquainted with perfect parents or one who was raised by perfect parents.

 

[Calm2Chaos]

I am not doubting you grew up normal so to speak, but I got whipped too and I do not condone it....My son (six) is an excellent kid and I have only whipped him twice....and trust me I have wanted to whip him more. It is not necessary......He is a a straight A student at a private school.....nurture and love your children....teach them without hitting them,,,,,,,,PLEASE

I think your confusing discipline with abuse. I don't spank my kids as a first resort I use it as a last resort. But make no mistake I do use it when i feel it necessary. I rarely ever have to spank my kids. But they know its a possibility if they continue to cross the line.

 

[alphieb]

What a condescending statement. All kids are different. Anyone with the attitude "my child wouldn't do that" are the ones that say the same as their offspring are strapped into the electric chair for mass murder and rape. You got your head up your ass. He's only 6. You've yet to reap your mollycoddling. Wait until he's 14. Good luck. I had to beat only one of my four kids. The boy needed it. When he set a shirt on fire that he didn't like to wear, he got a beating. I don't tell you how to raise your kids, but your type seems comfortable pushing your views on others. Get out of our figgin lives.

I said I got some beating anecdotes, let's begin.

So I'm in the grocery store one day, the boy was about 5. He's acting up bad. In the checkout line I finally grab him by the front of the shirt and tell him he's gonna get it when we get home. The lady behind me in line told me if I touch him she will call the police. I told her if she butted into my life I would beat her to within a inch of her life. The boy got a beating when we got home. The lady never called the police. The boy grew out of his ass beating needs soon enough.

I did not say my six year old was perfect and that he will not make mistakes throughout his life, but thus far he has been very well behaved.. I am sure he would not "throw a brick through' anything as he has not displayed behavior like that even when he was four. You said you had four kids and only had to beat one, are you saying the other three are perfect? Maybe they will be strapped to an electric chair.

You can reason with a four year old, talking things through is better than yelling like a maniac and is not constructive.

 

[Kelzie]

When you say better, do you really mean faster?

When a brick flew into the tv, I can imagine you were very angry and corporal punishment was the first thing that flew into you mind. Thats why its instant gratification. After hitting your kid, you calmed down a bit, right?
Thats why its so easy to hit your kids instead of trying a different approach.

Nope. I meant better. Gratification? Are you saying parents get a kick out of hitting their kids? Time out is easier then spanking.

 

[alphieb]

Nope. I meant better. Gratification? Are you saying parents get a kick out of hitting their kids? Time out is easier then spanking.

I think he means the child gets gratification (attention).....Sometimes to a child negative attention is better than no attention at all.

 

[Kelzie]

I think he means the child gets gratification (attention).....Sometimes to a child negative attention is better than no attention at all.

This is what he said:

When a brick flew into the tv, I can imagine you were very angry and corporal punishment was the first thing that flew into you mind. Thats why its instant gratification. After hitting your kid, you calmed down a bit, right?
Thats why its so easy to hit your kids instead of trying a different approach.

Nothing about the child wanting attention.

If your paying so little attention to your kids that they want negative attention, you've got bigger issues than your method of punishment.

 

[UtahBill]

.

If your paying so little attention to your kids that they want negative attention, you've got bigger issues than your method of punishment.

I have seen that, even banned some kids from my house, and yard until they could learn to play with my kids without hurting them. It sometimes falls to the neighbors to raise that kind of child, as the parents are living in some kind of fantasy land and don't have time for their own children.
And there were a few times I wanted to spank a neighbor kid, but I just don't dare.
Mine turned out OK, so I guess a few spankings didn't warp them much.

 

[mixedmedia]

Originally Posted by ddoyle00

When you say better, do you really mean faster?

When a brick flew into the tv, I can imagine you were very angry and corporal punishment was the first thing that flew into you mind. Thats why its instant gratification. After hitting your kid, you calmed down a bit, right?
Thats why its so easy to hit your kids instead of trying a different approach.

Nope. I meant better. Gratification? Are you saying parents get a kick out of hitting their kids? Time out is easier then spanking.

I think he's saying, that when we are with those we feel most comfortable around - our families - it is often our first reaction to act with anger. Especially when we are dealing with the often irrational behavior of children. Or child-like people, lol.