Kids come first, or spouse comes first?
...
Mom 1
Mom 2
Neither of those situations and attitudes is what I think of when someone says 'kids first / spouse first'. Neither of these women are putting either their spouse or their children FIRST. They've never had to really CHOOSE between either.
--
Mom #1: unable to balance 'children' - she sounds unable to even make time for herself. I'm sure her husband ranked a little higher on the ladder of significance than SHE did to herself.
Mom #2: She seems a bit... selfish. "My husband must always come before our children." is what she says, yet she's equating this with the desire to vacation without her son every now and then? She had a dog and loved it but once she had ONE CHILD she abandoned the dog and didn't care about him? She seems just strictly fickle.
--
Putting your children or spouse first does not mean you need to love one less or more than the other. It means that, REGARDLESS OF YOUR FEELINGS, if **** happens and the two separate camps are opposed to each other you will CHOOSE TO support the one that NEEDS that support.
Most people in day-to-day living aren't faced with the many situations that would force them to really think it through. The occasional vacation without your kids? Sleeping with your husband in bed at night and not allowing your kids to sleep with you? Whether you're prompt about remembering your spouses' birthday? Oh please spare me this drama of THAT being 'putting one over the other'. :roll:
If your spouse becomes abusive to your child, THEN you'll see where your priorities are. If your child develops severe violent tendencies and shows endless disrespect toward your spouse and your spouse says they should go to a mental institution for their issues, THEN you'll see where your priorities are.
If you're all getting along great, love everyone, and have good night and good mornings and your day to day is fine. Everyone's taken care of and no one's hiding in a closet to cry and you're still MARRIED and you still HAVE YOUR CHILDREN in your FAMILY - you really have never had to CHOOSE.
--
I've HAD to choose, though. I've struggled with mentally ill, violent children who tried to shatter the family into pieces in the worst of ways AND I've struggled with an abusive ex husband as well as my current husband's mental health issues post military injury. I've had someone I LOVED and wanted to MARRY tell me "I love you, but I don't like your kids."
I've MADE choices regardless of my emotions toward children or spouse. And that **** ****ing HURTS. But, my choices were for the greater good of the innocent party REGARDLESS of my EMOTIONS.
I left my ex when he became a toxic. And though I love my husband to the moon and back, I'd leave him if he turned on our children. I'd hurt myself on that deep emotional level again, if I had to.
--
This here from Mom #2 is ODD:
I strongly believe that modeling a healthy relationship for our children sets the foundation for how they form bonds when they get older. In my opinion, my husband and I are the first example of what being in a happy marriage is like. Our kids learn how they should treat their future significant others (and what they should expect in return) by watching us.
It's all good and well to prioritize your relationship and go away together every now and then - but don't stab your kids in the back in the process. That, honestly, might lead to a situation NOT being talked about in this thread: when a father must choose his children over his wife because she's a crappy mother.
This, here, really sums up my irritation (quote from Mom #2):
In a few years, our son and daughter will leave our home and when they do, I want to celebrate a job well done with my lover — not sit in a quiet house with a person who has become a stranger as a result of years of quietly drifting apart.
You don't have to CHOOSE between building a close relationship with your KIDS
OVER building a close relationship with your SPOUSE! You can accomplish BOTH.
Both of these women need to get their heads out of their asses. Quit dramatizing something that you've never dealt with.
--
I say I'm this way: When things are going well, 90% of the time I put my husband first. I fix the food he wants for dinner most nights, I consider his schedule when making plans for the kids, I consider his preferences when deciding financial things when he's not around.
But I'd leave him in a heartbeat - however painful - if he turned on our children like a rabid dog.