If you're in a committed relationship....

[LuckyDan]

In my marriage this would not work. An eyebow would be raised, questions would be asked, explanations required. Just speaking for myself.

 

[molten_dragon]

...would you go out to a friendly dinner one-on-one with someone else of the opposite sex (not a family member)?

I heard a great discussion about this on the radio today (it evolved from the new Herman Cain story) and was wondering your thoughts. One side said they would absolutely go out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex and the other side said that you should never do that because it would be assumed by the general bystander that you might be cheating on your significant other.

What do you think?

I think it's perfectly fine to go out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex as long as your significant other knows about it and is comfortable with the situation. Who cares what misconceptions other people have?

It depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't go out to lunch with a stranger of the opposite sex unless it was for business or something. If it was a friend though, I definitely would. I couldn't care less what other people think.

 

[LuckyDan]

Are we talking about what "other people" might think? Or what our spouse/SO might think?

The thread title implies spouse.

 

[Josie]

Are we talking about what "other people" might think? Or what our spouse/SO might think?

The thread title implies spouse.

We're discussing if you would do it, not necessarily what other people think about it (although that's going to be a factor in your decision).

 

[LuckyDan]

We're discussing if you would do it, not necessarily what other people think about it (although that's going to be a factor in your decision).

Ah. Then no.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Are we talking about what "other people" might think? Or what our spouse/SO might think?

The thread title implies spouse.

Don't care what other people think. But if my spouse worries I'm going to betray her every time I eat lunch, we're going to have a problem.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Sure.

I don't have much in the way of friends outside the marriage, but it never occurs to me to desire such.

However, my wife has plenty of friends, and she tends to find other women annoying, so most of her friends are guys.

 

[Calix Chris]

Don't care what other people think. But if my spouse worries I'm going to betray her every time I eat lunch, we're going to have a problem.

Exactly. I fail to see how this would be a problem in the slightest.

I think people should lighten up and start conversing with strangers. It's a bit different where I am from (countryside/small villages) however I noticed since moving to the city that people are reluctant to speak to each other face to face (outside of business), we don't seem to have a problem doing it online, but for some reason not face to face in our society. Just because you talk or do activities with members of the opposite sex does not mean you are having sex with them, I feel sorry for anyone is such a untrustworthy relationship. Hmm..

 

[Slartibartfast]

Don't care what other people think. But if my spouse worries I'm going to betray her every time I eat lunch, we're going to have a problem.

It is useful to care what people think if they can affect your life positively or negatively. It is good to manage that for your own benefit when possible (as long as you are not being manipulative)

Otherwise, if someone has no effect on you, there is no reason to care what they think.

 

[Thrilla]

well, me and the wife both have friends of the opposite sex... and occasionally, their are dinners and lunches had with them.

what we would both have a problem with is having a meal ( non business meal) with someone the other hasn't been acquainted with.

on a couple of occasions, she has warned me that the lady I had lunches with wanted more than just lunches, and she was right... and I warned her about this particular guy friend of hers that I felt was a player, and I was right.
i didn't believe her about the lady at first...then it became evident that i had misjudged the lady and her intentions.
same with the guy friend, she thought he was just a cool dude who wanted to be friends.

we are not always the best judge of people, it's nice to have a trusted opinion outside of our own.. and who better than your spouse?
it's especially important because both me and the wife are very gregarious and flirtatious people.

we've talked about those people after we dropped them as friends, and have pretty much concluded that , if we were to have continued those friendships, we would have opened ourselves up to temptations we normally wouldn't.
if we had a bad day, maybe an argument, or we had hurt feelings, or whatever, those "friends" may have taken the opportunity to use that in order to get the friendship going in the direction they wanted.

so yeah.. we don't do dinners or other social events with people that are not known by both of us....and really, we don't do much without both of us there anyways, so it's not much of an issue anymore.

 

[stsburns]

to OP:

I think my generation is ready to try out that idea (if they haven't already), but I do know it tends to make the opposites spouse jealous and/or mad.

Makes you kind of wonder why they are together?! If your spouse is boring why you hanging out with me?

 

[GreenvilleGrows]

I guess my husb and I are different from most couples participating on this thread. Neither of us have friends of the opposite sex. Acquaintances, yes, but that's about as deep as it goes.

No, no, no. Sorry, I wasn't clear. We always tell each other. If I'm having lunch with anyone I tell her and she does the same in return. We always do that. We generally know each other's schedule daily. It's courtesy as I see it. I don't open or read her mail or email and she doesn't open or read mine - though both of us have the ability. We do most things together. We share the same interests, save a few things. It works. We got lucky I guess. But, no, we are open with each other and there is mutual respect.

Sounds like a healthy marriage.

Business lunch - somewhat unavoidable sometimes, but, even then, often one of the parties has no concern with the potential conflict (either they're single, borderline un-committed, or on the prowl).

Someone tell me the purpose of a one-on-one dinner, though? Go home to your spouse/mate. What business are you in where lunch doesn't suffice when you only have 2 schedules to work with and a family at home? If you're trying to get a few people together, dinner makes plenty of sense. And, I also understand people travel a lot for work - and, that times get blurred because everything gets done in 1 trip. But, the fact that you have good intentions doesn't mean the other person you're meeting does. And, the chances of two totally naïve people meeting for dinner together are pretty slim. And, ladies, if you have a good male "friend", he'll likely be happy to sleep with you (or sleep with you again) if you give him the chance - I'm fairly sure you already know that. You know that if your husband has a really good girl "friend" she'd probably be happy to get naked with him, too (or already has).

I understand that trust is essential in any relationship. But, trust is also built on the actions of the trustworthy.

 

[samsmart]

...would you go out to a friendly dinner one-on-one with someone else of the opposite sex (not a family member)?

I heard a great discussion about this on the radio today (it evolved from the new Herman Cain story) and was wondering your thoughts. One side said they would absolutely go out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex and the other side said that you should never do that because it would be assumed by the general bystander that you might be cheating on your significant other.

What do you think?

I think it's perfectly fine to go out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex as long as your significant other knows about it and is comfortable with the situation. Who cares what misconceptions other people have?

It depends on the vibe I get from her.

For example, I would be more likely to go out on such a dinner with a woman if she herself is in a committed relationship. The reason why is because I'm more sure that she won't put any moves on me since she's already taken.

If, however, she's flirtatious towards me then I wouldn't.

It just all depends.

 

[herenow1]

Sounds like a healthy marriage.

Business lunch - somewhat unavoidable sometimes, but, even then, often one of the parties has no concern with the potential conflict (either they're single, borderline un-committed, or on the prowl).

Someone tell me the purpose of a one-on-one dinner, though? Go home to your spouse/mate. What business are you in where lunch doesn't suffice when you only have 2 schedules to work with and a family at home? If you're trying to get a few people together, dinner makes plenty of sense. And, I also understand people travel a lot for work - and, that times get blurred because everything gets done in 1 trip. But, the fact that you have good intentions doesn't mean the other person you're meeting does. And, the chances of two totally naïve people meeting for dinner together are pretty slim.

.

I was wondering something along the same lines. A work related lunch dinner is fine, but a planned one-on-one dinner 'date' with the opposite sex just seems odd to me when you are married. I'm not talking circumstances when an old friend comes to town and wants to do lunch or something, I'm speaking of cases where this is a REGULAR occurence. We have busy schedules, and we LOVE going out and getting a break from the kids. I guess I'm not a cool modern chick, b/c I would be upset if my husband came home and said. Honey, ''I'm home, I'm going to hit the shower and go have dinner with Leslie'. WTH?

Sure someone will say, well I guess you don't trust your husband. To that I will say that you are an beyond naive if you think your spouse/partner who is having lunches and dinner on the regular is as harmless as you think. I've known MANY and I mean MANY spouses who TRUSTED their spouse only to find out they have cheated. Does them make them more admirable b/c they trusted them?

It's more than trust, there's this thing also called temptatiom and curiousity. People always say that the only ppl who cheat are ppl unhappy in their relationship. WRONG! Several cheaters have admitted to having a good marriage but liking the ''thrill'' that comes along with it. This is not aimed at any particular person, as after i read statements I forget who stated what lol? These are just my general thoughts, and what I have witnessed over the yrs.

 

[rhinefire]

It would depend on what they intend to eat.

 

[00timh]

well, me and the wife both have friends of the opposite sex... and occasionally, their are dinners and lunches had with them.

what we would both have a problem with is having a meal ( non business meal) with someone the other hasn't been acquainted with.

on a couple of occasions, she has warned me that the lady I had lunches with wanted more than just lunches, and she was right... and I warned her about this particular guy friend of hers that I felt was a player, and I was right.
i didn't believe her about the lady at first...then it became evident that i had misjudged the lady and her intentions.
same with the guy friend, she thought he was just a cool dude who wanted to be friends.

we are not always the best judge of people, it's nice to have a trusted opinion outside of our own.. and who better than your spouse?
it's especially important because both me and the wife are very gregarious and flirtatious people.

we've talked about those people after we dropped them as friends, and have pretty much concluded that , if we were to have continued those friendships, we would have opened ourselves up to temptations we normally wouldn't.
if we had a bad day, maybe an argument, or we had hurt feelings, or whatever, those "friends" may have taken the opportunity to use that in order to get the friendship going in the direction they wanted.

so yeah.. we don't do dinners or other social events with people that are not known by both of us....and really, we don't do much without both of us there anyways, so it's not much of an issue anymore.

Wow, so much of what you say always seems to ring a lot with me. We have both had those kinds of situations in the past. There was a halloween party where she was bugging out about this woman I was talking to which was dead in the middle of everything, and I had no real clue, but later on, actually from a photo where the girl was making it look as if we were together and not my fiance... and it was my fiance's daughter who also was noticing.

There is this thing called respect. A committed couple doesn't need to spend time with the opposite sex alone with dinners or movies. Its generally disrespectful to their parnter. Out at singles clubs on weekends till the sun comes up... Its one thing to go after work with co workers for a quick happy hour drink, but out at clubs where people are looking for trouble, we go together, and people still will try to start shyt. At least there we can have something to do about it, and I have, and she has too.

 

[BamaBrat]

I guess my husb and I are different from most couples participating on this thread. Neither of us have friends of the opposite sex. Acquaintances, yes, but that's about as deep as it goes.

I thought that was interesting myself. I dont have male friends that i hang out with... my male friends are...OUR friends. We either hang out as a group or we dont hang out. Why would I want to go hang out with some other dude when my favorite person in the world is at home???

 

[joko104]

If of similar ages and but for the commitment a possible relationship, I think it always likely a mistake. It is not only the risk of the spouse/significant other becoming suspicious, but also confusion of the person you are with. Its not worth the risk in my opinion. This assumes the relationship between the couple is not an open relationship - which are rare and ever rarer to last long, but they do exist.

There is the danger the other person might decide she/he wants you, and then starts messing with your relationship tacitly at first. There is the danger of a false accusation and rumors running amuck too.

Also, limiting the question to "opposite sex" now also is questionable. Suspicions can arise over if you are secretly gay. Any interactions with other people of romantic potential can lead to confusions, suspicions, jealousy or strange evolutions.

 

[Calix Chris]

Any interactions with other people of romantic potential can lead to confusions, suspicions, jealousy or strange evolutions.

How can you define romantic potential? Are you saying doing anything with anyone one on one who isn't a family member could be considered a suspicion of cheating? As I said earlier, it must suck to be in such a crummy relationship.

 

[joko104]

How can you define romantic potential? Are you saying doing anything with anyone one on one who isn't a family member could be considered a suspicion of cheating? As I said earlier, it must suck to be in such a crummy relationship.

Actually I was not referring to myself or those of my inner circle. We do not have conventional relationships in terms of sexuality in which the notions of sexual fidelity and other aspects of sexuality are not within norms. Instead we have a different set of rules and expectations, but see no reason to explain in full detail. However, commitments to each other are absolutes and where others have rules, jealousies and insecurities we instead have generousity, liberties and certainty of connection to each other.

My reference instead was in regards to most people who do have an absolute rule of sexual monogamy for which violation is a deal breaker, such as a traditional marriage - or marriage-like relationship - of traditional absolute monogamy requirements.

That inherently risks suspicion, jealousy and malicious acts by others even if you are of perfect behavior and intentions. Within such strict monogamy rules of others, the rule usually isn't only no sex with anyone else, but no attractions towards anyone else, no touching anyone else, no greater focus on anyone else etc. Most married men understand they should go out of their way not to even just look at another woman's fine ass - or at least not be caught doing so.

People who are in absolutely strict-rules relationships should avoid even appearance that a violation may be developing.

 

[joko104]

It would depend on what they intend to eat.

That could be taken many ways :lol:

 

[joko104]

...would you go out to a friendly dinner one-on-one with someone else of the opposite sex (not a family member)?

I heard a great discussion about this on the radio today (it evolved from the new Herman Cain story) and was wondering your thoughts. One side said they would absolutely go out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex and the other side said that you should never do that because it would be assumed by the general bystander that you might be cheating on your significant other.

What do you think?

I think it's perfectly fine to go out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex as long as your significant other knows about it and is comfortable with the situation. Who cares what misconceptions other people have?

The OP appears to be upon the assumption the relationship with the significant other is one with a rule of sexual monogamy - or exclusiveness if some polygamous-type commitment relationship. To many with such a monogamy rule, "monogamy" also means more than just sexual. It also then means emotional and focus. Thus, preferring to have a dinner with someone else would also be an infidelity.

In less common exception, there are those for which the concept of fidelity is about emotional fidelity, but not exclusive sexually. In such a sense, having dinner alone with someone else could potentially be an infidelity, while having sex with that person wouldn't be, because it is a question of where emotions and focus is placed and not a question of sex. Although I am not a swinger, swingers could be an example. The commitments are emotional and focus, not sexual exclusiveness.

 

[00timh]

The OP appears to be upon the assumption the relationship with the significant other is one with a rule of sexual monogamy - or exclusiveness if some polygamous-type commitment relationship. To many with such a monogamy rule, "monogamy" also means more than just sexual. It also then means emotional and focus. Thus, preferring to have a dinner with someone else would also be an infidelity.

In less common exception, there are those for which the concept of fidelity is about emotional fidelity, but not exclusive sexually. In such a sense, having dinner alone with someone else could potentially be an infidelity, while having sex with that person wouldn't be, because it is a question of where emotions and focus is placed and not a question of sex. Although I am not a swinger, swingers could be an example. The commitments are emotional and focus, not sexual exclusiveness.

To a certain degree, there can be an emotional infidelity. A married or LTR couple who have devoted so much time, energy and money even into a relationship that they feel is forever... It can be insulting to a degree and IMO just plain disrespectful. Of course, there are A LOT of circumstances that surround this type of situation or scenario if that would be a better word. Active people cannot avoid contact with the opposite sex. People who have a lot of friends certainly can't. How that contact is handled means so much in regards to the respect given the marriage or LTR relationship.

IMO, whatever contact there is with the opposite sex should have a solid reason and purpose to it and that it maintains the respect of the relationship. A woman who is bored and goes out partying all night at singles clubs while their husband or BF has to work late or take care of a sick child.... not so good. A guy doing the same, equally not so good. Getting together alone with an old flame to "catch up" while the other one is bound to work, kids or some other commitment... not so good. To each their own of course. A healthy relationship does also require a level of trust. For the majority of us, a healthy balance of respect and trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship.