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How many times...

radcen

radcen

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How many times does your spouse have to have been married before you realize that something might be wrong with them?

Not sure that's worded well. Anyway, I watch a lot of true crime shows and so often some murder victim married someone who is going on their sixth marriage. And it's not even just murder, but in general. If you're engaged and your fiance is 35 and you will be their sixth spouse, you might want to step back and look a little closer at them and their history.

So, how many marriages before a person should be suspect?
 
That's not an easy question. Some people know what they want and have a difficult time finding it. Why in the hell would you stay married to someone who wasn't what you though what they would be? The second time isn't always a charm. Or the third.

Depends on the person.
 
I'll say 4 - for all the murdering spouses that have made their way into the history pages they became suspect around #3's untimely demise - or well, the unstitching of the marital-gown underpinnings.

My uncle has been married 5 times - they didn't die but it was obvious by #3 that he was just a bad apple.
My other other - 6 times . . . just a bad apple.
My grandfather - 8 . . . bad apple.

Not just 'bad apple' as in 'bad husband' but truly failures as decent people - possessive, abusive, just downright wrong.
 
I'd enter a relationship with caution if a man was on his 3rd divorce. I posted on a board with a guy who had been married 5 times. He always seemed so down to earth and like a real gentlemen...I just figured he picked the wrong ones. Well as time went on, I could clearly see that he was most likely the casue of the divorces.

I got married at 19, then divorced 2 yrs later, so I'm on my second marriage. I'm like most, I got married young and didn't know ish....so do we really count the first marriage when you are still wet behind the ears? However if someone gets married later in life and gets divorced every 2-7yrs, then they approach marriage the way one would approach a car dealership.
 
I don't understand the question. Everyone is suspect. Always. I won't marry anyone until they've proven themselves time and time again-- and I will still take steps to protect myself. Their past marriages don't matter unless they demonstrate a pattern of behavior, and even then, it doesn't matter if they're not showing signs of the same behaviors with me. Even then, I am still going to be watching for it, and I am still going to be prepared for it.
 
radcen said:
How many times does your spouse have to have been married before you realize that something might be wrong with them?

Not sure that's worded well. Anyway, I watch a lot of true crime shows and so often some murder victim married someone who is going on their sixth marriage. And it's not even just murder, but in general. If you're engaged and your fiance is 35 and you will be their sixth spouse, you might want to step back and look a little closer at them and their history.

So, how many marriages before a person should be suspect?
Click to expand...

If someone had been married and divorced twice, a warning bell would go off for me. If someone had been married and divorced three times, the fire supression system would kick in -- but not before the guy was toast.
 
If a woman was married and widowed seven times and my name was Henery, I might be a little concerned.

Otherwise, I could care less.

Many people never really find out who they are, much less who's a great partner for them .. until later in life.

It's my job to know thyself, and to suspend my "mating" drive long enough to truly know her first.

If she is of my temperament and compatible with my character, then she's my type, and it doesn't matter how many times we were previously mismatched before we wisened up.

That being said, I am somewhat more concerned with the number of children she's had, as unless her philosophy is Kegelian, our relationship could be unfulfilling.
 
Two divorces would set off an alarm for me. How much of an alarm would depend on how far apart the divorces were and the age of the person. I would discuss your potential mates previous marriages with them to see of you could get a good feel for their honesty about it. If they are defensive and evasive about it that would set off another alarm. I would definitely plan on a long courtship.
 
I gotta go with two as well. First marriages fall apart for a lot of reasons...too young, not in love but lust, etc. etc. etc. After the first if a person cant look at themselves and honestly assess why the marriage fell apart... and they go for a second and that falls apart as well.... that tells me it may be that your actions are contributing to the breakdown of your marriages and you arent looking inward honestly to see how (as my husband would say) "you contribute to the chaos". If you cant do that, I believe you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.
 
Ontologuy said:
If a woman was married and widowed seven times and my name was Henery, I might be a little concerned.

Otherwise, I could care less.

Many people never really find out who they are, much less who's a great partner for them .. until later in life.

It's my job to know thyself, and to suspend my "mating" drive long enough to truly know her first.

If she is of my temperament and compatible with my character, then she's my type, and it doesn't matter how many times we were previously mismatched before we wisened up.

That being said, I am somewhat more concerned with the number of children she's had, as unless her philosophy is Kegelian, our relationship could be unfulfilling.
Click to expand...

well done.
 
I agree with those who say there is no set number. As a general rule I'd start being suspicious if they've had three divorces. I'd be extremely skeptical, to the point of probably not considering them, if they had four divorces.

Someone mentioned a pattern, and three I think establishes a potential pattern.
 
If a woman has been divorced once, before we get serious I'm going to want to know the why's and wherefore's, and I may do some checking to see if she's telling the truth. I consider the ending of a marriage to be a serious matter, and I'd like to know that it was for a very good reason. If she's been married and divorced twice, it's going to take a lot of ... well, something.... to convince me that it might be worth being Hubby#3.

Present company excepted, no offense to women or Frenchmen intended, YMMV, employees and interns not eligible for prizes, etc general disclaimer.
 
radcen said:
How many times does your spouse have to have been married before you realize that something might be wrong with them?

Not sure that's worded well. Anyway, I watch a lot of true crime shows and so often some murder victim married someone who is going on their sixth marriage. And it's not even just murder, but in general. If you're engaged and your fiance is 35 and you will be their sixth spouse, you might want to step back and look a little closer at them and their history.

So, how many marriages before a person should be suspect?
Click to expand...

In and of itself, I personally don't hold multiple marriages against a person.

But, then again, I don't believe in marriage to begin with.

People are creatures of change. We change all the time. Some people change more than others. Some people are looking for different things all the time.

I wouldn't be against involvement with a significant other based on the number of marriages they have had. Rather, I would be against involvement with a significant other based on whether we have passion, intimacy, and commitment with each other.
 
Goshin said:
If a woman has been divorced once, before we get serious I'm going to want to know the why's and wherefore's, and I may do some checking to see if she's telling the truth. I consider the ending of a marriage to be a serious matter, and I'd like to know that it was for a very good reason. If she's been married and divorced twice, it's going to take a lot of ... well, something.... to convince me that it might be worth being Hubby#3.

Present company excepted, no offense to women or Frenchmen intended, YMMV, employees and interns not eligible for prizes, etc general disclaimer.
Click to expand...

You know - my husband quickly put up a 'do not talk about exes' wall . . . he said nothing about 'don't talk TO exes' though so I know all anyway.
 
If she has been married one or two times before, I wouldn't worry much, but I'd like to know about the why's. Three or more prior marriages would make my alarm bells ring. Not that it would be a total killer, but she probably would have to do a good job explaining and convincing.

I consider marriage a serious thing, so I wouldn't want to marry a woman who considers it less serious. Maybe it's like dunning letters: One time is no time, two times is one time, and three times means court! :P

But it's all theoretical anyway for me, at the moment. My fiancée and I are planning to marry in two or three years, and none of us had been married before. I'm glad we have a good basis talking about our past relationships and their shortcomings.
 
samsmart said:
But, then again, I don't believe in marriage to begin with.

People are creatures of change. We change all the time. Some people change more than others. Some people are looking for different things all the time.
Click to expand...

Isn't the constant "change" of people prized in in the promise of marriage already? When I give this promise, it is supposed to mean that I stay with my spouse although I change, while I change and while she changes, or that I at least do my best to do so, even if it's hard work. When someone marries and divorces often, it's a sign that they can't handle their constant changing process in a manner that counts in their spouse.

I don't think this change we're constantly subjected to is a process we have no control over. Some people don't, and that's exactly the kind of people who are probably not well suited for a committed relationship as I picture it.

All that said, I don't mean to judge anybody as a person. Whatever floats their boat. I just don't want to marry such a woman. ;)
 
It would depend on the situation and the reasons. IF... the current spouses biggest mistake is being naive then eventually they will find the right one. Sometimes people change and digress over time. One thing I have talked about with my fiance is that we should always strive to get better and to make our relationship better. One thing I feel that has worked so well for us is that neither of us need each other. We are together simply because we enjoy being together.
 
Aunt Spiker said:
I'll say 4 - for all the murdering spouses that have made their way into the history pages they became suspect around #3's untimely demise - or well, the unstitching of the marital-gown underpinnings.

My uncle has been married 5 times - they didn't die but it was obvious by #3 that he was just a bad apple.
My other other - 6 times . . . just a bad apple.
My grandfather - 8 . . . bad apple.

Not just 'bad apple' as in 'bad husband' but truly failures as decent people - possessive, abusive, just downright wrong.
Click to expand...

Is Zsa-Zsa Gabor a member of your family?
 
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