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How do I relate to my Nephew?

Bismirch said:
he's 16
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15 thru 17, they go through a grunting stage. Be happy you got a whole sentence.

You don't know what his preferences are, he's not speaking about them. Don't rush to judgment, cause right now, you are Pita in his eyes.

My older son didn't speak with me for two years. All I heard was grunts and moans. He'd snarl at his sisters and younger brother. My considered herself lucky when she heard "what's to eat?"

Then we couldn't shut him up and wished he was still grunting. And a parade of hot young women through the house. No peace and quiet. We were thrilled when he decided to go to college out of town. Meanwhile we were going through the same crap with his brother. "Unh! was his favorite form of communication.
 
OldFatGuy said:
15 thru 17, they go through a grunting stage. Be happy you got a whole sentence.

You don't know what his preferences are, he's not speaking about them. Don't rush to judgment, cause right now, you are Pita in his eyes.

My older son didn't speak with me for two years. All I heard was grunts and moans. He'd snarl at his sisters and younger brother. My considered herself lucky when she heard "what's to eat?"

Then we couldn't shut him up and wished he was still grunting. And a parade of hot young women through the house. No peace and quiet. We were thrilled when he decided to go to college out of town. Meanwhile we were going through the same crap with his brother. "Unh! was his favorite form of communication.
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He's always been like this though. It's not some new thing. Outside of video games, I can't think of one thing that interests him at all. He's soft too. Both physically and mentally. I don't think he could fight his way out of a wet paper bag, and he's got a lot of quit in him. Always has. I feel bad for the kid if he's straight. He's going to be like kryptonite to the opposite sex if something doesn't change.
 
Bismirch said:
This is good advice I suppose

I just find it strange because I loved going to visit my aunts and uncles when I was a kid. My uncle Jack used to take me shooting. Let me watch R rated movies. He built me a go-kart. He would come to my football games and wrestling meets. He would even let me and my buddies drink at his place when I was in HS as long as we handed our keys over to him and it was just beer.

Maybe I just have all these great memories of that, and I wanted to be that guy for my nephew. Well, my nephew isn't me, and now that I'm thinking about it, my brother hated going over their when we were kids because my uncle was always trying to make a man out of him the same way our dad would. He would pay us to split woood, and my brother would quit within 10 minutes only to get roasted the rest of the weekend by a Vietnam vet tough guy that looked like he could have been Burt Reynolds stunt double.
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Yeah, you're right, he is not you. I personally didn't get close to any of my aunts or uncles...if my parents took us to visit, it was okay, but that was it. When I was in my teen years, I had no interest to hang out with any relatives, really. Glad you have such good memories, cherish them, but I think there's a saying ' you can never go home ', not sure it applies here, but it popped into my head.
 
Bismirch said:
He's always been like this though. It's not some new thing. Outside of video games, I can't think of one thing that interests him at all. He's soft too. Both physically and mentally. I don't think he could fight his way out of a wet paper bag, and he's got a lot of quit in him. Always has. I feel bad for the kid if he's straight. He's going to be like kryptonite to the opposite sex if something doesn't change.
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I think you meant the opposite sex will be like kryptonite to him, yes?
Agreed, I knew a similar geeky withdrawn kid in high school who suddenly met ONE GIRL who seemed to like him.
For almost three years he pretended not to be aware that she had feelings but one day she decided to be bold about it, and he was dead meat. He fell head over heels, and then a month or so later, she moved on and he was crushed.

I think he spent age 17 to age 30 ruminating about that, and then suddenly one day he married the next girl who paid any attention to him. Fortunately they are still married, and their weirdness meshes wonderfully, I guess.

Hey, there ARE girl gamers and...due to the almost spectacular cruelty of some male gamers of that age, these gals are extraordinarily tough and resilient. Your nephew might just make a love connection with a chick who is adept at not putting up with his **** while simultaneously making him feel special.
 
Bismirch said:
Kid has no interest in girls whatsoever. I'm starting to think that he might be gay. No big deal, but it would explain a lot.
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In all seriousness, if he likes video games, you should try and connect him with that. I think Microsoft has free video games camps, that way he is actually interacting with people face-to-face with liked interests.

You can try a coding camp as well, which is more career-oriented.

I think the key is to get him off the couch.
 
Checkerboard Strangler said:
I think you meant the opposite sex will be like kryptonite to him, yes?
Agreed, I knew a similar geeky withdrawn kid in high school who suddenly met ONE GIRL who seemed to like him.
For almost three years he pretended not to be aware that she had feelings but one day she decided to be bold about it, and he was dead meat. He fell head over heels, and then a month or so later, she moved on and he was crushed.

I think he spent age 17 to age 30 ruminating about that, and then suddenly one day he married the next girl who paid any attention to him. Fortunately they are still married, and their weirdness meshes wonderfully, I guess.

Hey, there ARE girl gamers and...due to the almost spectacular cruelty of some male gamers of that age, these gals are extraordinarily tough and resilient. Your nephew might just make a love connection with a chick who is adept at not putting up with his **** while simultaneously making him feel special.
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Send him to a video game camp. He probably will fit right in.
 
Bismirch said:
He's always been like this though. It's not some new thing. Outside of video games, I can't think of one thing that interests him at all. He's soft too. Both physically and mentally. I don't think he could fight his way out of a wet paper bag, and he's got a lot of quit in him. Always has. I feel bad for the kid if he's straight. He's going to be like kryptonite to the opposite sex if something doesn't change.
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Not every child needs to be a fighter. Sometimes kids grow into adults nothing like what we expect them to be. Take a good look around, you see some really wimpy soft fat ugly men with downright gorgeous women, and vice versa. Don't be so quick to judge.

When I was in college, many were convinced one fellow who was pear shaped, very effeminate, had to be gay. He ended up with some of the most gorgeous women on the campus. Today, after a long career in Hollywood, directing and producing movies, he's been married with children for more than 50 years to one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen personally, and real time sweet, peaches and cream. Chuck Conners who played The Rifleman, a former professional basketball and baseball player, was notoriously bisexual. The guy couldn't have been more macho. We just never know.
 
Sounds like something you would see on mumsnet... unclesnet?
It's difficult to know exactly what your nephew's like just hearing you talk about him. Perhaps he just doesn't like camping, fishing, etc. I mean, I never did as a kid. I wasn't even interested in learning how to drive, particularly. And not all kids like going to parties or hanging out with friends. Maybe he just didn't want to come over to see you, not because he didn't like you, but just because he had something else in mind he wanted to do. So maybe he's just fine, and you're overreacting a little.
On the other hand, you could be right - he could be selfish and brattish. It's true that a lot of kids nowadays are obsessed with playing video games (maybe have a go playing them with him? Even if you're not interested in playing video games, it's still a way to socialize and have fun).
(Plus, I'm not criticizing your life choices, but lots of people nowadays have kids in their early 40s, and end up seeing their kids leave home when they're in their late 50s. Maybe it's not too late???)
 
Bismirch said:
Kid has no interest in girls whatsoever. I'm starting to think that he might be gay. No big deal, but it would explain a lot.
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A friend of mine was telling me the other day about a cousin of his - he and his siblings always thought this cousin was rather weird, he never hung out with them, often seemed kind of weak and depressed, and it turned out he was having trouble coming out.
 
Bismirch said:
So I've recently gotten to the point that I've pretty much given up on trying to have a relationship with my nephew. It's a bit of a disappointment too because I have no children of my own. My ex wife did not want children, and when we separated a few years ago, I was entering my 40's. I would never say never, but the chances of meeting someone age appropriate that wants to have kids at this point seems pretty unlikely, and I'm not so crazy about the idea of having young kids in the house in my 50's.

Anyways, since I never had kids, I've been waiting for my nephew to grow up a bit to be able to do all those cool things that my uncles did with me while growing up. The only problem is that I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid. Over the last 10 years, I've taken him to go do stuff a few times a year, and he's just miserable when he comes to visit because all he wants to do is play video games. I wouldn't say that I'm against video games, but I feel like he should be able to break away from his routine for a day or two and enjoy some things that his parents don't do with him like camping, fishing, going to a theme park, trail riding etc. Well, to put it bluntly, he doesn't like any of that stuff. He doesn't really like anything other than gaming. I've asked him what he'd like to do many times, and he just shrugs his shoulders and has this look on his face like he's counting down the minutes until he can go home. I even offered to give him my old truck and teach him to drive if he got his learners permit a while back, and he responded with "I don't need to drive." Like he has no interest in owning a car and driving. He also has no interest in dating, partying, or even just meeting up with friends???

So a few weeks ago, I called his mom to ask if he wanted to come over and work with me for a few days (I'm a contractor) only to hear him in the background say "tell him I'm not hear." It actually broke my heart a bit that he didn't even want to talk to me.

A lot of this could be that he's a bit like his dad, who's my brother. Pretty much nobody in our entire family has ever been able to get along with his dad. He's not a jerk or anything, but he's one of the most selfish people you will ever meet. If it's not about him, he doesn't care. He's been that way his whole life. He's called me or either of our parents maybe a handful of times in the last 20 years, and every time it was because he needed something. The guy grew up in the same household that I did, so it's got to be at least partly genetic.

I just don't know what to do. It's like I've given up on the kid. Will he outgrow this? Is this common with kids that age? I wasn't anything like that, but some of my friends kids are a lot like my nephew with the whole zombie thing. It's like they have no interests, aspirations, or personality.

Any advice would be welcomed from people who have a bit more experience with this than myself. Obviously, I have no clue how to relate to a kid like this, but I would like to.
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His passion right now is into video games. You might want to meet him in that turf. You're the one who wants a relationship with him, right?
You can't force a kid to want the same thing that you do - I don't think they're into compromises at that stage.

Learn the kind of games that he's into, and learn to play them. That's the best way.
Embrace gaming.


You want to score big points with him - instead of taking him fishing, take him to video gaming events!
You might want to frequent forums for gamers, and learn from there. Gamefaqs is one site I got on...... and still do.


I ran a daycare, and that's how I built up my rapport with older school kids. Playing with them.
I used video games too, as a practical learning tool.

One of my daycare kids became a game programmer!
Maybe he will never outgrow his love for games - but there's nothing wrong with that (as long as he go responsibly about it in life).



You'll just have to accept him as he is, and try not to mould him into what you want him to be.
 
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Bismirch said:
He's a good kid in regards to behavior. He doesn't talk back. He's respectful. He's never been in any sort of trouble as well.

But they do let him play video games as much as he wants and don't force him to come out of his cage much. That xbox has raised him to be quite honest.
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At least....he's not into drugs and gangs, or running wild. That's something to be thankful for these days.

16. Must be shy around girls - or a late bloomer.
That's the problem with indoor activities like that - lack of interactions with the opposite sex.
Take him to gaming events - lots of girls are into gaming too.
 
Bismirch said:
He's a good kid in regards to behavior. He doesn't talk back. He's respectful. He's never been in any sort of trouble as well.

But they do let him play video games as much as he wants and don't force him to come out of his cage much. That xbox has raised him to be quite honest.
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Every generation says the same thing about the generations that follow them. One day he'll grow up and hopefully become a decent member of society. My buddy has an eighteen year old daughter who is reaching the stage of adulthood. Until last year she sounds the same as your nephew, glued to electronics and rarely coming out of her cage. Now she is working and just started buying her own car. Now she has a car and insurance payments. Welcome to the real world, it has a way of changing all of us.
 
Bucky said:
In all seriousness, if he likes video games, you should try and connect him with that. I think Microsoft has free video games camps, that way he is actually interacting with people face-to-face with liked interests.

You can try a coding camp as well, which is more career-oriented.

I think the key is to get him off the couch.
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I don't know.

I feel like that would be almost like doing drugs with a drug addict just to keep their friendship. If he had any other interests, that's what I would be using to bond with him. Like anything, but these games.

In moderation, I don't see a problem with video games but spending the amount of time he does on them obviously isn't a good thing. It's affected him in a negative way both physically and mentally. I just feel like encouraging such a thing would would be no different than encouraging him to eat junk food or to be high all day.
 
Bismirch said:
So I've recently gotten to the point that I've pretty much given up on trying to have a relationship with my nephew. It's a bit of a disappointment too because I have no children of my own. My ex wife did not want children, and when we separated a few years ago, I was entering my 40's. I would never say never, but the chances of meeting someone age appropriate that wants to have kids at this point seems pretty unlikely, and I'm not so crazy about the idea of having young kids in the house in my 50's.

Anyways, since I never had kids, I've been waiting for my nephew to grow up a bit to be able to do all those cool things that my uncles did with me while growing up. The only problem is that I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid. Over the last 10 years, I've taken him to go do stuff a few times a year, and he's just miserable when he comes to visit because all he wants to do is play video games. I wouldn't say that I'm against video games, but I feel like he should be able to break away from his routine for a day or two and enjoy some things that his parents don't do with him like camping, fishing, going to a theme park, trail riding etc. Well, to put it bluntly, he doesn't like any of that stuff. He doesn't really like anything other than gaming. I've asked him what he'd like to do many times, and he just shrugs his shoulders and has this look on his face like he's counting down the minutes until he can go home. I even offered to give him my old truck and teach him to drive if he got his learners permit a while back, and he responded with "I don't need to drive." Like he has no interest in owning a car and driving. He also has no interest in dating, partying, or even just meeting up with friends???

So a few weeks ago, I called his mom to ask if he wanted to come over and work with me for a few days (I'm a contractor) only to hear him in the background say "tell him I'm not hear." It actually broke my heart a bit that he didn't even want to talk to me.

A lot of this could be that he's a bit like his dad, who's my brother. Pretty much nobody in our entire family has ever been able to get along with his dad. He's not a jerk or anything, but he's one of the most selfish people you will ever meet. If it's not about him, he doesn't care. He's been that way his whole life. He's called me or either of our parents maybe a handful of times in the last 20 years, and every time it was because he needed something. The guy grew up in the same household that I did, so it's got to be at least partly genetic.

I just don't know what to do. It's like I've given up on the kid. Will he outgrow this? Is this common with kids that age? I wasn't anything like that, but some of my friends kids are a lot like my nephew with the whole zombie thing. It's like they have no interests, aspirations, or personality.

Any advice would be welcomed from people who have a bit more experience with this than myself. Obviously, I have no clue how to relate to a kid like this, but I would like to.
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Sounds like most kids, play video games and demand people serve them and of course pay for their gaming!
 
That's a hard one.

If you kept in touch with the kid, that would've made a difference, but just showing up and wanting to be part of his life now...


And being a teenager is about becoming independent. Maybe he'll be more willing to become part of your life in ten years time?
 
swing_voter said:
That's a hard one.

If you kept in touch with the kid, that would've made a difference, but just showing up and wanting to be part of his life now...


And being a teenager is about becoming independent. Maybe he'll be more willing to become part of your life in ten years time?
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I've been in touch with him since the say he was born. I didn't start taking him to do a lot of stuff until about 10 years ago because he was too young.
I don't know how you drew that conclusion???
 
Bismirch said:
I don't know.

I feel like that would be almost like doing drugs with a drug addict just to keep their friendship. If he had any other interests, that's what I would be using to bond with him. Like anything, but these games.

In moderation, I don't see a problem with video games but spending the amount of time he does on them obviously isn't a good thing. It's affected him in a negative way both physically and mentally. I just feel like encouraging such a thing would would be no different than encouraging him to eat junk food or to be high all day.
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Right or wrong as you may be about that, he's probably not very likely to warm up to you if he gets the impression that you want to try and be his parent rather than a friend (who happens to be an adult). How often he plays video games may be something best left up to him and his parents, as I'd suspect that he feels anyone else trying to impose their will onto him is out of line. Maybe his excessiveness is a mistaken impression on your part, or maybe it's just a phase he needs to get through. Either way, he obviously doesn't like it when you try and decide for him which recreational activities he should prefer, so maybe just hold your nose and embrace it? Pick up a copy of his favorite game for yourself and give it a try. Then have a funny story to tell about what a giant n00b you are, but also that you ended up kind-of liking some aspect of it. Then (hopefully) let him ramble on for 5 minutes about game stuff that makes no sense and enjoy the fact he's not trying to hide from you. Just my perspective anyway.
 
HennyBogan said:
Sounds like most kids, play video games and demand people serve them and of course pay for their gaming!
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I once was reading an article by a child psychologist about narcissism and teenagers. He said that some level of narcissism is Universal at that age and to be accepted. He says he never makes a diagnosis of narcissism in that age group. His advice to parents instead is just love them as much as you can and realize this is usually just a stage.
 
Bismirch said:
So I've recently gotten to the point that I've pretty much given up on trying to have a relationship with my nephew. It's a bit of a disappointment too because I have no children of my own. My ex wife did not want children, and when we separated a few years ago, I was entering my 40's. I would never say never, but the chances of meeting someone age appropriate that wants to have kids at this point seems pretty unlikely, and I'm not so crazy about the idea of having young kids in the house in my 50's.

Anyways, since I never had kids, I've been waiting for my nephew to grow up a bit to be able to do all those cool things that my uncles did with me while growing up. The only problem is that I have absolutely nothing in common with this kid. Over the last 10 years, I've taken him to go do stuff a few times a year, and he's just miserable when he comes to visit because all he wants to do is play video games. I wouldn't say that I'm against video games, but I feel like he should be able to break away from his routine for a day or two and enjoy some things that his parents don't do with him like camping, fishing, going to a theme park, trail riding etc. Well, to put it bluntly, he doesn't like any of that stuff. He doesn't really like anything other than gaming. I've asked him what he'd like to do many times, and he just shrugs his shoulders and has this look on his face like he's counting down the minutes until he can go home. I even offered to give him my old truck and teach him to drive if he got his learners permit a while back, and he responded with "I don't need to drive." Like he has no interest in owning a car and driving. He also has no interest in dating, partying, or even just meeting up with friends???

So a few weeks ago, I called his mom to ask if he wanted to come over and work with me for a few days (I'm a contractor) only to hear him in the background say "tell him I'm not hear." It actually broke my heart a bit that he didn't even want to talk to me.

A lot of this could be that he's a bit like his dad, who's my brother. Pretty much nobody in our entire family has ever been able to get along with his dad. He's not a jerk or anything, but he's one of the most selfish people you will ever meet. If it's not about him, he doesn't care. He's been that way his whole life. He's called me or either of our parents maybe a handful of times in the last 20 years, and every time it was because he needed something. The guy grew up in the same household that I did, so it's got to be at least partly genetic.

I just don't know what to do. It's like I've given up on the kid. Will he outgrow this? Is this common with kids that age? I wasn't anything like that, but some of my friends kids are a lot like my nephew with the whole zombie thing. It's like they have no interests, aspirations, or personality.

Any advice would be welcomed from people who have a bit more experience with this than myself. Obviously, I have no clue how to relate to a kid like this, but I would like to.
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You're mad he doesn't like the things you like to do and at him not putting in any effort to get to try those things while also not liking the things he likes to do and not putting in any effort to do those things.

Takes two to tango, you can't judge him for his interests while expecting him to be open minded to all yours. If you want to be the one to initiate a better relationship, show more of an interest in the things he does like even if you don't.
 
My own son is one of those gamer types who coops himself up a lot.
And he doesn't use his disability as the excuse either, he's quite certain that even if he was entirely able bodied, he's pretty sure he would be the same anyway.

When he was between twelve and oh...I guess maybe seventeen or eighteen, we didn't have much of a relationship either.
And, he was sullen and withdrawn, stubborn to the point of pure obstinance and moody all the time.

Now he's twenty-four and we have a pretty damn good relationship. He helps out a lot around the house, does the little part time work he has, he pays more attention to his diet and appearance, and seems to be working out a lot of the issues he used to struggle with a lot more in the past.

One of these days I suspect he's going to get involved with someone, and they will likely be as weird as he is, and I'll be delighted. As long as he's happy, that's all I care about. The kid has more than enough on his plate as it is.
 
Bismirch said:
I don't know.

I feel like that would be almost like doing drugs with a drug addict just to keep their friendship. If he had any other interests, that's what I would be using to bond with him. Like anything, but these games.

In moderation, I don't see a problem with video games but spending the amount of time he does on them obviously isn't a good thing. It's affected him in a negative way both physically and mentally. I just feel like encouraging such a thing would would be no different than encouraging him to eat junk food or to be high all day.
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I get you. But you know what? You've got to start at a footing that he'll be at least open to your attempt.

How about this for a start? Take him to a special gaming event (ideally out of town where you can spend a couple of days together).
Surely those two whole days won't be spent on gaming, and you can talk while you eat out and figure out what other things aside from gaming he's interested about. You can make plans around those for next time. Maybe, you can start bonding that way.

But be careful. If he knows how you feel about his gaming - he'd be on the defensive right off the bat!
So, don't be critical about gaming or games, or even remotely sound that you are.
 
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