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Checking on a cheater...

In looking over Tom's cell phone call logs, I have found much truth. It has been a cathartic process as well as enlightening, maddening and, most of all, sad.

Tom's cell phone records show that every month for the last eight (as far back as the online records go) Tom made an average of 140 calls a month to his girlfriend. She rarely called him, and when she did? It was always a minute after he'd called her. I've extrapolated that she didn't call him out of the blue because it might be awkward for him if I were there. So he always called her.

Since I keep a date book, that gave me some helpful information as well. When I was at girl's night out, for example. One two minute call to her just after I left. No more calls. That would be because they were together.

The few times I went to Florida with my cousin for three or four days? Hardly any calls. Because they were together. Same when I went to Michigan overnight. He made calls when he was out walking the dog, after I was asleep. Such a liar. I cannot believe I was deceived for so long.

When we got back together, Tom said, I won't ever contact her again. You can even have my phone if you want it. Now, of course, I read, "I now have a burner phone." He told me that I could do anything that would help me trust him again, including his wearing an ankle monitor. (Kidding, of course.)

But I took him up on his "anything" offer and put a GPS tracker on his car. I was gone for the day the first day I had it attached. My cousin and I went to Michigan.

I asked Tom if he had a nice day...if he watched the Iditerod live feed, etc. and then said, so I know you drove by her house today. He swore up and down. NOT TRUE. DID NOT. I swear! "Why do you think That???" "Women's intuition," I said.

When I told him Sue and I had driven by her house just before we came home, he was shocked. I thought it was because he didn't think I knew where she lived. What he was shocked about was that Sue dropped me off at 5:30. Anyhow, a little while later, he admitted he'd driven by.

When I checked the tracker later, it all became clear. it showed him driving by her house four times that day. Never stopped, I assume he could tell she wasn't home. But quite obviously, it's not over. His last drive-by was at 5:20 PM just before we got home. He thought we'd seen him there. We hadn't.

I know those reading this think I've gone loony, but that is the life of a woman who's been cheated on and wants to forgive him. Everything becomes trust but verify.

i don't know what I'm going to do. I've spoken with an animal rescue group for rehoming my dog and three cats. I'm trying to give myself options as I start my final journey. I have another scan in two weeks to see if they will continue chemo. I had always thought Tom would be with me when I entered hospice. Eighteen years is a long time. But I doubt I'll want him here.

There is nothing much lower than betraying a dying woman. Why would I want him?

Oh, and for those who wonder, the GPS tracker cost $425. The online maps, live feed, reports, etc., etc. costs $30 a month.

I'm so glad I have this blog.
 

ocean515

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MaggieD, I don't know how much time you have invested together, nor do I know how old each other are. I say that because it is relevant. Clearly, something has derailed along the way. I told my son once that trust is something that you can put in the bank. It pays remarkable dividends. Violate that trust, and the deposits will never be as large, and the dividends will never be as large.

I've been married almost 40 years. That's a lot of water under the bridge. Both my wife and I have been through much over those years. I have not always been the husband I should have been. We've worked through that. It was not pleasant. However, it is possible to get to the other side. It is not reasonable for Tom to demand he be trusted again. Actions speak louder than words.

Keep this one thing firmly in mind. It most likely has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. It's been my experience age, and the inevitable reality the years are adding up faster than one can imagine, can lead someone to see if they still have "it". They don't, but it doesn't stop the hope that this reality isn't true.

If it's worth the effort, getting through to the other side, objectively, and with compassion, can lead to a remarkable understanding and bond.

I'm sorry for the grief and doubt I assume this has brought to your life. People have no right to subject their loved ones to such emotional darkness. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It just might be worth the slog to get to it.
 

americanwoman

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Maggie,

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. You are such a good person and this is not fair to you. I can totally understand you wanting to work everything out but the first chance you gave him, he betrayed you and lied about it again. Do what's best for you and if you need anyone, I am here.
 

MaggieD

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Thank you both for your posts. They mean a great deal to me. They really do.
 

TheGoverness

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I'm so sorry Maggie. That really sucks.

I can't imagine what you're going through right now. As bad as this situation is, I hope you'll get past this.
 

Hawkeye10

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Well Maggie, When you said you are thorough you weren't kidding.

GPS....."well you did say anything".......

You sure are fair.

+1 2 U
 

tres borrachos

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I "liked" your blog, Mags, and that isn't because I like the content or what you're going through. I liked it because you never cease to amaze me with how strong you can be in the face of adversity.

I have to agree with Americanwoman. The sad reality is he betrayed you, but I don't think I need to emphasize that because I think you already know it.

If you need help or advice with the animal rehoming, let me know. If you need a sympathetic ear from someone who deeply cares about you, let me know that too. You're in my thoughts and I really do hope this gets better.
 

haymarket

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ocean515;bt3902 said:
MaggieD, I don't know how much time you have invested together, nor do I know how old each other are. I say that because it is relevant. Clearly, something has derailed along the way. I told my son once that trust is something that you can put in the bank. It pays remarkable dividends. Violate that trust, and the deposits will never be as large, and the dividends will never be as large.

I've been married almost 40 years. That's a lot of water under the bridge. Both my wife and I have been through much over those years. I have not always been the husband I should have been. We've worked through that. It was not pleasant. However, it is possible to get to the other side. It is not reasonable for Tom to demand he be trusted again. Actions speak louder than words.

Keep this one thing firmly in mind. It most likely has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. It's been my experience age, and the inevitable reality the years are adding up faster than one can imagine, can lead someone to see if they still have "it". They don't, but it doesn't stop the hope that this reality isn't true.

If it's worth the effort, getting through to the other side, objectively, and with compassion, can lead to a remarkable understanding and bond.

I'm sorry for the grief and doubt I assume this has brought to your life. People have no right to subject their loved ones to such emotional darkness. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It just might be worth the slog to get to it.

You give excellent advice. I have a whole new respect for you after reading that and seeing some of my own experience reflected in your post.
 

haymarket

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Maggie

just know that whatever you decide you have lots of folks cheering for you here.

btw - I think your actions and conclusions are 100% accurate.
 

reinoe

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I say this as someone who doesn't come with decades of experience in marriage...but it sounds like your lifeblood, sweat, tears, and hard work are worth more than what he has to offer. You talk about this final journey and how it should be travelled. Do you have family that you can go through this with? Because his emphasis on "TRUST ME" and then betraying that trust so quickly is more chilling to me than anything.
 

grip

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MaggieD you went unappreciated. I can relate. It seems sometimes the harder we try to get/stay close the more people want to take advantage. I've chalked it up to human nature. You have to forgive for your own sake but the trust must be rebuilt and a sincere repentance be offered.
 

Chomsky

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Wow!

Oh wow, oh wow!

I'm a bit speechless here. Even if I had lost my feelings for my wife, I would stay by her side at this time. It's the right thing to do. I'm a strong believer in doing what's right, and sometimes ya' just got to do what's right regardless.

Wish I had something better to say.
 

Mach

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MaggieD you're so awesome, the idea that anything bad can happen to you is just cosmically wrong. And real. And I'm sorry for it.
If our collective effort could right all the wrongs you're dealing with, I'd be focusing good thoughts your way every chance I get.
I'm glad you find some relief in being open about this. Stay strong MaggieD, big hugs.
 
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