What would you do?

[Superfly]

My husband's adult son is in trouble. He has moved from one girlfriend (and later a wife) who took care of him to the next, and now he's divorced, with no job, no prospects and he's about to be homeless.

He got lots and lots of tattoos (full sleeves, both arms), even though we advised him against it. We told him how it'd affect his ability to get jobs later on in life, and he didn't listen. Now it's affecting his ability to get a decent job. Duh. He swears that the tattoos are not affecting his ability to get or keep a job, because he's actually worked with people who even have prison tattoos, on their faces, necks and so on.

He also has mental issues, and in a rage, has threatened to kill my husband twice via email. My husband doesn't think he'd go through with it, but either way, you know, there are issues there.

My husband just doesn't know what to do. He has 5 adult children, and I have always told him that we'd do anything we need to do to help his kids out if they got in trouble. I told him this morning that if he wanted to fly his son down, with an open-ended ticket, we could do so. We have a guest room, and also a very large upstairs bonus room that we are just using as an office, so he could stay there, too. We have enough money to help him out, feed him, take him to look for jobs, and so on. I even have a car that he can buy off of me, because I don't need it. I don't mind helping. My husband, though, has serious doubts.

I told him that if he is mentally unstable enough, he might try to take his life if he's truly that distraught. My husband doesn't think he's telling the truth - he just says things like this to get attention, and he has done it for years. I told my husband that if he's not saying it to get attention, and he really does it, will he be able to live with it, knowing that there's something that could have been done - something we could have done to help.

He got quiet and said he didn't know what to do.

In this situation, what would you do?

 

[Superfly]

Also, there is another son who lives in the same city who refuses to have anything to do with him. He's basically washed his hands of him. He wanted to help at first, but after E didn't even bother to show up at his grandmother's funeral, he just said he's finished with him. The other son, S, has everything going on for him. Has a great job, been on his own since he was 18. He has his own apartment, pays all his bills on time, is working on paying off a new car. Just a normal adult. E, though, is 31 years old and has absolutely nothing.

 

[tessaesque]

Make him the offer with several stipulations.

Stipulation #1:
- The help is limited and the timeline is X.

Stipulation #2:
- In order to continue receiving help until X time, you must consistently and regularly attend counselling for anger management and/or any other issues.

Stipulation #3:
- In order to continue receiving help until X time, you must consistently and regularly attend continuing education programs to develop job skills (unless he's already well skilled).

Stipulation #4:
- He must actively seek employment with a requirement of X applications a week.

Stipulation #5:
- He must respect the house and rules you and your husband agree upon (I'd include something about controlling his temper and words).

 

[hikari]

Tell him to go drive a tractor-trailer, they certainly need more drivers in North Dakota and he doesn't really need a house and tattoos are usually a non issue there. Of course that solution would only work if he was willing to help himself so to speak and if he were I kinda doubt he would be where he is.

My brother is a similar character, I love him but, I wouldn't give him any financial or housing support unless he was serious, last time my brother was homeless he got a job, and would have offered help, but before I could contact him he quit that job. I found the most effective thing was to stop even thinking about offering help, because his track record makes him too poor of an investment to consider.

 

[joko104]

Think "tough love" - which means do absolutely nothing and by all means ABSOLUTELY do not let him move back in. Are you really even CONSIDERING feeding and rewarding his failures and threats?

Write him off, completely, totally. He sinks or swims. If he sinks it was going to happen anyway. Some people MUST hit starvation, homelessness abandoned by all until they figure it out.

You left much out, like he's a druggie. Do you doubt that?

Explain your theory of how you get him out after you let him in?

And there is the question of do you REALLY WANT him living with you in your house? I mean really? Is it going to be pleasant? Are you going to have to lock up all valuables? Will the home be harmonious?

If you take him - at age 31 - back in like a dependent and spoiled child, you do not help him. You hurt him. You let him hurt everyone in your family too. He will irreparably harm your family overall. He can go live in a shelter where he's at. If you must do something, send him $20 a week to the shelter address to with it as he pleases. Nothing more.

It doesn't take a car to find or have a job where he's at. You would not be selling him a car, you would be giving it and he would trash it and wreck it. Its your car, not his. Keep it.

He's an adult. He should be an independent adult. Continuing to treat him like a dependent child helps no one, not even himself. He's an adult. He has to live like one. Living in a room at your house is returning him to childhood and his spoiled child ways.

Once he threatened his/your/anyone's life, allowing him to move back home is so out-of-the-question I can not imagine it. Or repeatedly extorting by threatening suicide over and again? You REALLY are even considering REWARDING HIM for that behavior by providing him housing, food and the rest? Are you out of your ....... minds?

When he turned 18, the father's obligation and his to each other ended. You have NO obligation whatsoever. STOP MAKING THE FATHER FEEL GUILTY OVER HIS BUM, TRASH, DRUGGIE ADULT SON. His father wants to write him off. That is what you should support for your, his and everyone's sake.

 

[MaggieD]

Make him the offer with several stipulations.

Stipulation #1:
- The help is limited and the timeline is X.

Stipulation #2:
- In order to continue receiving help until X time, you must consistently and regularly attend counselling for anger management and/or any other issues.

Stipulation #3:
- In order to continue receiving help until X time, you must consistently and regularly attend continuing education programs to develop job skills (unless he's already well skilled).

Stipulation #4:
- He must actively seek employment with a requirement of X applications a week.

Stipulation #5:
- He must respect the house and rules you and your husband agree upon (I'd include something about controlling his temper and words).

Bingo!! Excellent advice. Terrific plan. It's the only way I'd let that guy in my life. He's Trouble with a Capital T.

I'd add one thing. A complete thorough (whatever that is) drug test before he moves in. If he's on drugs? All bets would be off because then I wouldn't rule out even one of his threats.

You'd both have to agree to these rules. And break them? He's out on his ass with a police escort.

God bless you for caring. Most second wives would not.

If your husband does not agree and really doesn't want to help him, I think you need to respect his decision.

 

[joko104]

Some problems with the plan (which I overall disagree with).

First, USUALLY if you voluntarily allow someone to move in, it takes formal eviction procedures to get them out.

Second, once he is on your turf, even if not in the house now all his fury and focus is on you. We learned long ago the more you help someone if they are bums, the more they see you as obligated to them.

You bring him back and he will be fixated on your husband, you and your home. You got money and valuables. You/he give in to his threats and reward his misconduct. He will know that. It will be almost impossible to get rid of him and it only how much chaos and lose happens along this way.

Why do you possibly think having him move into your house will change anything? Because you set stipulations?

Set stipulations where he is at FIRST and see if he is following those. If he won't, he certainly won't when he's in your house.

 

[MaggieD]

Some problems with the plan (which I overall disagree with).

First, USUALLY if you voluntarily allow someone to move in, it takes formal eviction procedures to get them out.

Second, once he is on your turf, even if not in the house now all his fury and focus is on you. We learned long ago the more you help someone if they are bums, the more they see you as obligated to them.

You bring him back and he will be fixated on your husband, you and your home. You got money and valuables. You/he give in to his threats and reward his misconduct. He will know that. It will be almost impossible to get rid of him and it only how much chaos and lose happens along this way.

Why do you possibly think having him move into your house will change anything? Because you set stipulations?

Set stipulations where he is at FIRST and see if he is following those. If he won't, he certainly won't when he's in your house.

Yeah, I also agree with most of this. There's no doubt your entire family will be taking a big risk. Can't overlook that reality.

As for him having tenant's rights? Give an attorney a call. I don't think that's true. If he's not paying rent? He's nothing more than a house guest.

Personally, I think once your husband would email all of those stipulations to him, including the drug testing, I doubt he'll take you up on your offer. The important thing (should you choose to do so) is that you made the offer -- not whether or not he accepts it.

 

[joko104]

Bingo!! Excellent advice. Terrific plan. It's the only way I'd let that guy in my life. He's Trouble with a Capital T.

I'd add one thing. A complete thorough (whatever that is) drug test before he moves in. If he's on drugs? All bets would be off because then I wouldn't rule out even one of his threats.

You'd both have to agree to these rules. And break them? He's out on his ass with a police escort.

God bless you for caring. Most second wives would not.

If your husband does not agree and really doesn't want to help him, I think you need to respect his decision.

My wife looks as young or younger than my/our adopted daughter - now first year college on scholarship. They are only 5 years apart in age (I got her when I was 15, I am not the biofather - both parents dead). My wife was absolute in her rules, but never hatefully - just absolutely. No exceptions. Ever. If she was to clean her room and did not do so correctly, then she had to immediately return - no delay - do it right AND do one more thing now too. From grades to curfew, to telling of her day to being exactly where and with who she says she is with - no exceptions.

No friends she was away with unless we first met the friend and the friends parent(s) too. Very rare, but we would sometimes veto a friend - and inform that kids parent(s) we had done so. This did not always get a nice response from those parents of course. We didn't care about them, only about her.

And the "punishment" too. Break curfew - ever - or any other rule of being aways from home - she would lose her car. A bad grade? Absolute certain grounding. One time she asked my wife what if she just wouldn't do what she said. My wife's response? "You won't live here anymore." My/our adopted daughter knew she 100% meant it. But I also had been a "strict" parent - in more mutual survivial ways - so this all engrained from the start.

But her and I both spend hours and hours with her too, moreso my wife. Being home for dinner a 100% requirement. Every school day and life event had to be reported and discusses. Yet our daughter came to expect that and like it. She expected the calls of "where are you?" and even to sometimes see one of driving by to see if it was truthful. It always was. "Trust but verify." We cared. She knew it.

Curiously, over time our rules towards her became her rules about herself and towards others. Its even contagious. She is in a relationship. That person went from an unemployed C student to an employed A student - with her explaining she is "mentoring" the way we mentored her. LOL Require and reward successful behavior and dislike failure behavior.

Now as she enters adult life she is proving incredibly successful from the git-go by every measure. She has been molded that way from the start of her life.

The 31 year old son has - who knows why - been molded and is what he is in very different and opposite ways.

I guess where I disagree is that I don't think the father and step-mother have any chance of reforming that 31 year old. I think they are only going to reward the misconduct and irresponsibility - and bring more trouble into their life than they think the possible worse. And that chaos is going to bleed off on other family members, certainly the quality of their home and possible destroy their marriage. I've seen it go that way for other parents taking in bum adult children too many times.

The father and her should spend their time and efforts towards the "good" other 4 children rewarding their good conduct, rather than diverting attention to the bad one and even making it so the good ones don't even want to come over - nor hear about it anymore.

Sorry to be so negative, but that's how a see it and a well intended warning seemed the thing then to do - even if seemingly hard and cruel.

 

[MaggieD]

I guess where I disagree is that I don't think the father and step-mother have any chance of reforming that 31 year old. I think they are only going to reward the misconduct and irresponsibility - and bring more trouble into their life than they think the possible worse. And that chaos is going to bleed of on other family members, certainly the quality of their home and possible destroy their marriage. I've seen it go that way for other parents taking in bum adult children too many times.

Regretfully, I agree. It's highly doubtful anything they do will have a positive effect. The chances of it going horribly wrong? Well, it's probably a bet I'd take...

 

[joko104]

Yeah, I also agree with most of this. There's no doubt your entire family will be taking a big risk. Can't overlook that reality.

As for him having tenant's rights? Give an attorney a call. I don't think that's true. If he's not paying rent? He's nothing more than a house guest.

Personally, I think once your husband would email all of those stipulations to him, including the drug testing, I doubt he'll take you up on your offer. The important thing (should you choose to do so) is that you made the offer -- not whether or not he accepts it.

I agree with you on what you wrote too. Very good advice!

1. Talk to a lawyer to find out what it would take to get him out.
2. Require a drug test result first - INCLUDING HAIR (that is very hard to defeat) - and the stipulation then a surprise drug test each month. Do not even allow/pay for him to get to their city until he takes and passes a drug test FIRST.

I'd bet about anything he'd want to get there before the first test with endless excuses. I'd put my money on meth. Yet that might be a way for the parents to know and give them a dose of reality and a way out - nicely. It would end with him raging about how they don't trust him - for which their answer should be that they don't.

I do feel for their situation and I would guess the step-mom is trying very hard to let the father know she is willing to sacrificially be a mother to his children. Maybe too hard.

 

[justabubba]

Some problems with the plan (which I overall disagree with).

First, USUALLY if you voluntarily allow someone to move in, it takes formal eviction procedures to get them out.

Second, once he is on your turf, even if not in the house now all his fury and focus is on you. We learned long ago the more you help someone if they are bums, the more they see you as obligated to them.

You bring him back and he will be fixated on your husband, you and your home. You got money and valuables. You/he give in to his threats and reward his misconduct. He will know that. It will be almost impossible to get rid of him and it only how much chaos and lose happens along this way.

Why do you possibly think having him move into your house will change anything? Because you set stipulations?

Set stipulations where he is at FIRST and see if he is following those. If he won't, he certainly won't when he's in your house.

so wish i had seen this post before taking in a family member a few years back
had to pay off the authorities and arrange an escape so that he did not spend a lifetime in mexican prison. he had no where else to go ... at least that was what i told myself
be EVERY statement you made in that post is spot on accurate, based on my personal - and awful - experience


the OP alluded to suicide but never stated that these were actual threats/statements communicated by the son. did he threaten to kill himself?

 

[Gipper]

Point him to the nearest shelter who will help him.

Then again, I detest stupidity, and am generally apathetic to it. If you typically do the right thing and catch bad luck, I can sympathize. If you intentionally screw yourself over, you lay in the bed you made.

 

[jambalaya]

Got to agree with Joko. Bring him into your house and he is likely to bring your house down on you. If you have a guilty conscious and can afford it, send him a few bucks or better yet if he can get some reasonble shelter somewhere send money to them directly.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

He's threatened to kill your husband and your husband is prepared to wash his hands of him. I would be advising you to kill the son of a bitch before I'd even consider inviting him into your home. Family is family, but those bonds can be broken.

 

[Thorgasm]

Your husband knows E better than you do. If his knowledge of E tells him to not take E in, then that is probably the right decision. Even E's siblings know he isn't worth the effort.

Threats of suicide don't sway me. They are usually done as a way of manipulating people. It's basically saying, "If you don't do what I want you to do, I'll kill myself." People who are serious about suicide don't advertise it.

He's threatened to kill your husband twice, in writing? You are a better person than I am. I'd report it to the authorities. Then he wouldn't have to worry about being homeless. He'd have three square meals and a cot courtesy of the Department of Corrections.

The way I see it, the only thing you can do for E is help him check into a mental health institution.

 

[Superfly]

Tess, those are good stipulations, but after reading the rest of the thread, I’m leery of doing that. Thanks, though, hon.

Hikari, that’s exactly what my husband suggested. Get a job as a truck driver, and it will solve all of your problems, and you’ll make a lot of money doing it. His response? “Well, I don’t really like driving much, sooo……” Honestly, the guy doesn’t want to work. He’s gone through 10 jobs in 6 months. His track record is crap. He keeps blaming everything on his tattoos, or a work shortage, but they wouldn’t hire him and fire him a week later if there was a work shortage. They would have known about the shortage before they hired him. It’s only a week,for crying out loud.

Think "tough love" - which means do absolutely nothing and by all means ABSOLUTELY do not let him move back in. Are you really even CONSIDERING feeding and rewarding his failures and threats?

We were thinking of that, too, Joko. Just cutting him off. Completely. Not even answering the phone when he calls.

Write him off, completely, totally. He sinks or swims. If he sinks it was going to happen anyway. Some people MUST hit starvation, homelessness abandoned by all until they figure it out.

This isn’t the first time he’s been in this situation. He didn’t learn then. He just found another girl to shack up with, and once she got tired of his crap, she kicked him out and he moved on to another girl.

You left much out, like he's a druggie. Do you doubt that?

Well, I doubted it, but my husband didn’t. He used to tell me he was “straight edge” and didn’t do drugs. Lost like 200 pounds, competes MMA now, wins tournaments. I just assumed that he was drug tested before being allowed to compete.

Explain your theory of how you get him out after you let him in?

Well his behavior before has made us ask him to leave, but that was like 10 years ago, so we just thought it’d be a matter of, “You have to go. Here’s a ticket. Go Greyhound.” It worked before.

And there is the question of do you REALLY WANT him living with you in your house? I mean really? Is it going to be pleasant? Are you going to have to lock up all valuables? Will the home be harmonious?

No, I absolutely do not want him in my house. It’s the last thing I want. I just want my husband to be happy, and not feel guilty. My husband is getting on up in the years, and is a heart patient. I am afraid that if something happens to E, he’ll never get over it. On the other side of the coin, though – the fact that he moves in with us could exacerbate the heart problem, so we definitely don’t need that.

If you take him - at age 31 - back in like a dependent and spoiled child, you do not help him. You hurt him. You let him hurt everyone in your family too. He will irreparably harm your family overall. He can go live in a shelter where he's at. If you must do something, send him $20 a week to the shelter address to with it as he pleases. Nothing more.

Yeah, we talked about that, too. He has issues with his car, and we talked about telling him to take it to a garage and get it fixed, and then have the garage call us with the bill, and we’d give them our debit card number. That way we don’t send him $1,000 to fix a car that never gets fixed.

Once he threatened his/your/anyone's life, allowing him to move back home is so out-of-the-question I can not imagine it. Or repeatedly extorting by threatening suicide over and again? You REALLY are even considering REWARDING HIM for that behavior by providing him housing, food and the rest? Are you out of your ....... minds?

I guess so :lol: :lol: .

When he turned 18, the father's obligation and his to each other ended. You have NO obligation whatsoever. STOP MAKING THE FATHER FEEL GUILTY OVER HIS BUM, TRASH, DRUGGIE ADULT SON. His father wants to write him off. That is what you should support for your, his and everyone's sake.

My husband likes you and said he’d like to drink a beer or 10 with you. He said you were reading his mind.

 

[Superfly]

Maggie – thanks, luv. I’m trying to respect his decision – I just want him to be happy, and right now, he doesn’t know what to do to get that way.

Joko – never thought about the formal eviction problem. YIKES.

 

[Pinkie]

Superfly, I am very impressed by your compassion for this stepson and your willingness to share your home, but.....................

Although it's relevant whether or not you and your hubs can afford to take him in, this isn't the deciding factor. You two can feel good about the life you've built even if you choose not to impoverish yourselves to help another adult.

The person in question is not your son, it's your hubs'. You don't say whether or not you know this man, but certainly, not as well as your hubs does. If he doesn't want to extend the offer, that should be a decision point.

I disagree that the stepson must be on drugs, although I acknowledge this is likely. It might be that he's mentally ill or has a severe personality defect -- but none of these are great options when you consider opening your home to someone. MOST people could not live with the tension and turmoil, and I doubt you'll be able to, either.

In my extended family, there are two adult men who are living with parents who have never been successful living on their own. One is severely mentally ill, the other probably has a personality disorder. Both situations are permanent -- in fact, the mentally ill son lost his parents and is now supported by his brother, per his parents' wishes (and inheritance).

I understand the desire to help, and I applaud you for it. But what if you knew that once this stepson moves in and adjusts, he would never leave? Are you prepared to sacrifice the peace and privacy of the rest of your lives?

I'd suggest helping him as best you can long-distance first, at the very least. Is this stepson willing to get career counseling but needs busfare to attend? Can you find him a shelter with plenty of transitional support? I'd even consider paying for his room at the YMCA for a few weeks as an alternative to having him move in.

One last thought: 31 is not too old to enlist in the military (I don't think). I wish you and your family all the good luck in the world.

 

[Superfly]

My wife looks as young or younger than my/our adopted daughter - now first year college on scholarship. They are only 5 years apart in age (I got her when I was 15, I am not the biofather - both parents dead). My wife was absolute in her rules, but never hatefully - just absolutely. No exceptions. Ever. If she was to clean her room and did not do so correctly, then she had to immediately return - no delay - do it right AND do one more thing now too. From grades to curfew, to telling of her day to being exactly where and with who she says she is with - no exceptions.

No friends she was away with unless we first met the friend and the friends parent(s) too. Very rare, but we would sometimes veto a friend - and inform that kids parent(s) we had done so. This did not always get a nice response from those parents of course. We didn't care about them, only about her.

And the "punishment" too. Break curfew - ever - or any other rule of being aways from home - she would lose her car. A bad grade? Absolute certain grounding. One time she asked my wife what if she just wouldn't do what she said. My wife's response? "You won't live here anymore." My/our adopted daughter knew she 100% meant it. But I also had been a "strict" parent - in more mutual survivial ways - so this all engrained from the start.

But her and I both spend hours and hours with her too, moreso my wife. Being home for dinner a 100% requirement. Every school day and life event had to be reported and discusses. Yet our daughter came to expect that and like it. She expected the calls of "where are you?" and even to sometimes see one of driving by to see if it was truthful. It always was. "Trust but verify." We cared. She knew it.

Curiously, over time our rules towards her became her rules about herself and towards others. Its even contagious. She is in a relationship. That person went from an unemployed C student to an employed A student - with her explaining she is "mentoring" the way we mentored her. LOL Require and reward successful behavior and dislike failure behavior.

Now as she enters adult life she is proving incredibly successful from the git-go by every measure. She has been molded that way from the start of her life.

The 31 year old son has - who knows why - been molded and is what he is in very different and opposite ways.

I guess where I disagree is that I don't think the father and step-mother have any chance of reforming that 31 year old. I think they are only going to reward the misconduct and irresponsibility - and bring more trouble into their life than they think the possible worse. And that chaos is going to bleed off on other family members, certainly the quality of their home and possible destroy their marriage. I've seen it go that way for other parents taking in bum adult children too many times.

The father and her should spend their time and efforts towards the "good" other 4 children rewarding their good conduct, rather than diverting attention to the bad one and even making it so the good ones don't even want to come over - nor hear about it anymore.

Sorry to be so negative, but that's how a see it and a well intended warning seemed the thing then to do - even if seemingly hard and cruel.

What a great story, Joko. Seriously, I read it aloud to my husband and he smiled. He espescially loved the part where you had to approve her friends. We are that way with our girls.

As far as the rest of this post - I have 2 teenage daughters that I have to worry about as well. I don't really want them around this kind of behavior. He's also been a mess, though. He was a fat kid, and his brother was not. His mother used to badger and berate him all the time for being overweight, tell him he'd never get a girl because he was fat. She used to tell him when she bathed him as a little boy that he had a small penis, and would never satisfy a woman. We had to kick him out twice because he was having sex in his room with his girlfriend in the middle of the day, while we had small kids in the house. He has issues. I don't know where they came from, but when his Dad and I got together, he was already 14, and had already been abandoned by his mother. He was getting out of control, staying out all night long, etc. Hubs tried to control the situation, and E would calm down for a while, and then go right back to his foolishness. I know he's insanely jealous of his younger brother, because his younger brother was the baby, and was strongly favored by his mother.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

I don't agree that a parent's moral obligation to their children ends when they turn eighteen. But I will say that any such obligation is broken when the child betrays the parent's trust-- if the child has no loyalty to the father, how can the father owe any loyalty to the child?

edit: Od's blood... you have children of your own to consider. Protect them, and if you would help your husband's son... find a way to help him that does not endanger them.

 

[Pinkie]

Maggie – thanks, luv. I’m trying to respect his decision – I just want him to be happy, and right now, he doesn’t know what to do to get that way.

Joko – never thought about the formal eviction problem. YIKES.

A parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child, Superfly. Your hubs will need your support regardless of what choice the two of you makes.

 

[Superfly]

the OP alluded to suicide but never stated that these were actual threats/statements communicated by the son. did he threaten to kill himself?

Regularly, Bubba. He throws it around like cheap wine. He told his mother a few months ago if she didn't send him $2,000, he was going to kill himself. He'd never said that to her before and she flipped out and started crying and freaking out, and sent him the money. He threatens it any time he doesn't get his way, but we never know if it's an empty threat, or what if just this time, he follows through.

 

[Superfly]

Gipper and Jambalaya --

We suggested he go to the YMCA or the Rescue Mission, but he won't go. He said, "I'm 31 years old, Dad. Why should I have to go to the Y?"

Makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

 

[Connery]

There are a couple of variables that have not been mentioned. Are there are any substances: alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs that are in the picture that he may be abusing. My experience with anyone who is in this situation whether it be mental illness or substance abuse is:

1. I watch their past conduct and if there is any suggestion that there may be physical harm my primary responsibility is to protect my well being and that of my son first;

2. I treat people with patience, kindness, tolerance and love, but, I do not enable the mental illness or substance abuse;

3. I can never be as effective in dealing with a family member as someone who is not emotionally involved.

I have had to make some drastic and serious decisions regarding a situation similar to yours. Including an intervention and ultimately keeping a part of my family away from my son and myself as they are either enabling or causing a very sick and dangerous situation where there was violence. I had to essentially walk away from people that I loved very much as I am not the cure nor am I an emotional or physical punching bag. I had the foresight to leave the situation and take my little boy out of harm's way. Therefore nothing actually happened with my boy around. No one needs to be subjected to a horror which they have no control over.

The last thing and best thing I could do was get some professionals involved and let go. I am emotionally exhausted from the situation and the people who enable this to go for year after year. Most of all do not get enmeshed in the illness; find and go to a support group be with people who are dealing with this type of situation. There is a wealth strength, hope and experience in those types of support groups.

Detach with Love.