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What would you do if a friend had told you they had cancer and they did not ...

Turin

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Well … what would you do if you met someone and became friends and they told you they had to file bankruptcy for cancer and had details of this experience including struggling to pay off these bills. What would you do it this information made a difference in how you interacted and even what you were willing to do for them as a friend?

You really like the person and yet you learn this after 6 years and it changes up almost everything they had told you of themselves and ten years of their life?
 

Captain Adverse

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Well … what would you do if you met someone and became friends and they told you they had to file bankruptcy for cancer and had details of this experience including struggling to pay off these bills. What would you do it this information made a difference in how you interacted and even what you were willing to do for them as a friend?

You really like the person and yet you learn this after 6 years and it changes up almost everything they had told you of themselves and ten years of their life?

That would depend on whether they had been diagnosed with cancer and had a good faith belief this diagnosis was true, or if they simply made the whole story up in order to gain sympathetic attention.

If the first instance I would find no guilt and be happy for them.

In the second instance I would feel sorry for their neediness and re-valuate the dynamics of the friendship. By that I mean determine whether or not their other attributes outweighed this attention-seeking need for deception.
 
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Turin

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That would depend on whether they had been diagnosed with cancer and had a good faith belief this diagnosis was true, or if they simply made the whole story up in order to gain sympathetic attention.

If the first instance I would find no guilt and be happy for them.

In the second instance I would feel sorry for their neediness and re-valuate the dynamics of the friendship. By that I mean determine whether or not their other attributes outweighed this attention-seeking need for deception.

Oh they were never diagnosed nor did they have cancer or go bankrupt because of it. I am not sure of all the reasons they went into this detail of this to me yet it did impact me greatly and I wanted to help them.
 

Helix

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i'm fairly sure that one of my friends has done this. for the most part, i just played along. part of the way through, i became fairly convinced that she was making it up, but whatever. this was years ago, and she's fine now, so i'll just consider that the best possible outcome whether she was making it up or not.
 

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Well … what would you do if you met someone and became friends and they told you they had to file bankruptcy for cancer and had details of this experience including struggling to pay off these bills. What would you do it this information made a difference in how you interacted and even what you were willing to do for them as a friend?

You really like the person and yet you learn this after 6 years and it changes up almost everything they had told you of themselves and ten years of their life?

I'd want to know why but, obviously, even that answer would be suspect. Sure, the lie changes the relationship but there are a lot of other factors along the way (or at least should be) that would influence whether the deceit is a killer or not.
 

Turin

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i'm fairly sure that one of my friends has done this. for the most part, i just played along. part of the way through, i became fairly convinced that she was making it up, but whatever. this was years ago, and she's fine now, so i'll just consider that the best possible outcome whether she was making it up or not.


Yea that is a good approach.

I did the same thing for a long time - yet I agree I am relieved it was not true at all.
 

Helix

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Yea that is a good approach.

I did the same thing for a long time - yet I agree I am relieved it was not true at all.

yeah, me too.
 

RetiredUSN

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There are forms of depression that a person can go through that cannot be explained.

Normal, hard working, and honest people who slip into various forms of behavior brought on by the illness.
 

_Sal

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this whole thread confuses me...they said they had cancer but didn't and now claim they are cured....wtf

if so they are mentally unbalanced

life is too short to waste on people elucidating on things which are untrue

I hate when people lie to me for emotional support ... it is time consuming and irritating...real life can be horrible enough to wonderful people why spend it with those who make their world up as they go

this is one of the few things I have zero patience for
 

CanadaJohn

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this whole thread confuses me...they said they had cancer but didn't and now claim they are cured....wtf

if so they are mentally unbalanced

life is too short to waste on people elucidating on things which are untrue

I hate when people lie to me for emotional support ... it is time consuming and irritating...real life can be horrible enough to wonderful people why spend it with those who make their world up as they go

this is one of the few things I have zero patience for

I totally agree.

For me, friendships are a lot like marriage without the piece of paper. They are built on mutual respect, trust and honesty and when you break those rules of engagement, you break the friendship and it's usually irreparable. A simple acquaintance or work colleague would be another story - that's an artificial or limited/conditional relationship and far less open ended.
 

Aunt Spiker

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Well … what would you do if you met someone and became friends and they told you they had to file bankruptcy for cancer and had details of this experience including struggling to pay off these bills. What would you do it this information made a difference in how you interacted and even what you were willing to do for them as a friend?

You really like the person and yet you learn this after 6 years and it changes up almost everything they had told you of themselves and ten years of their life?

Why would someone having cancer (now or then) or having filed for bankruptcy alter your friendship at all?

Having to file bankruptcy because mother nature is a bitch is a harsh hand in life to deal with. . . .And if they're telling me now, it means they're strong enough to make it through it.
 

Turin

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Why would someone having cancer (now or then) or having filed for bankruptcy alter your friendship at all?

Having to file bankruptcy because mother nature is a bitch is a harsh hand in life to deal with. . . .And if they're telling me now, it means they're strong enough to make it through it.

They were lying - they never had cancer and never filed bankruptcy as a result.

Of course it would not matter if it were accurate yet they let me believe it and make decisions to help them based on this.
 

_Sal

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I totally agree.

For me, friendships are a lot like marriage without the piece of paper. They are built on mutual respect, trust and honesty and when you break those rules of engagement, you break the friendship and it's usually irreparable. A simple acquaintance or work colleague would be another story - that's an artificial or limited/conditional relationship and far less open ended.
explained beautifully...there is a huge divide between aquaintance and friend. Now if you were my friend and I was aware you had a mental illness that would again change the scenario to one of understanding but it would also change the dynamics of the friendship too.

thus I would know what was going on

lying about a killer disease would have to be fairly rare

there was some woman in the news who lied in order to fund herself
there was also another woman in the news who had lied to her husband about their pregnancy because of course when it came time for the arrival she had to go and steal another couples' baby

either way, there is something large lacking
 

joG

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Well … what would you do if you met someone and became friends and they told you they had to file bankruptcy for cancer and had details of this experience including struggling to pay off these bills. What would you do it this information made a difference in how you interacted and even what you were willing to do for them as a friend?

You really like the person and yet you learn this after 6 years and it changes up almost everything they had told you of themselves and ten years of their life?

Add it to the collection of odd behavior I have seen.
 

brothern

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You really like the person and yet you learn this after 6 years and it changes up almost everything they had told you of themselves and ten years of their life?
Seriously question that person's mental health.
 

Aunt Spiker

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They were lying - they never had cancer and never filed bankruptcy as a result.

Of course it would not matter if it were accurate yet they let me believe it and make decisions to help them based on this.

Thanks for clarifying - your OP didn't touch on 'lying about it'.
 

Gaztopian

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Unless I believed there was a contingency resulting in such pathological behavior, I don't think I can tolerate that level of mental instability.
 

radcen

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I'm going to suggest another possibility: Extreme inner shame over filing for bankruptcy (BK) that they felt the need to make up the cancer story to justify it to others so that (in their mind) others would understand and accept it. BK, for many, is a feeling of absolute failure, and our society is being conditioned to accept medical reasons for BK, but not other reasons.

Now, if you were to come back and say that's extreme and/or illogical... yes, it is. The human species is often extreme and/or illogical.
 

Turin

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I'm going to suggest another possibility: Extreme inner shame over filing for bankruptcy (BK) that they felt the need to make up the cancer story to justify it to others so that (in their mind) others would understand and accept it. BK, for many, is a feeling of absolute failure, and our society is being conditioned to accept medical reasons for BK, but not other reasons.

Now, if you were to come back and say that's extreme and/or illogical... yes, it is. The human species is often extreme and/or illogical.

Very good point!
 

Mason66

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Well … what would you do if you met someone and became friends and they told you they had to file bankruptcy for cancer and had details of this experience including struggling to pay off these bills. What would you do it this information made a difference in how you interacted and even what you were willing to do for them as a friend?

You really like the person and yet you learn this after 6 years and it changes up almost everything they had told you of themselves and ten years of their life?

Do you have a problem with the cancer or the bankruptcy?
 

Turin

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Do you have a problem with the cancer or the bankruptcy?

I do not have a problem with either - in fact I am inordinately empathetic to both conditions and human struggles.

I guess I was not clear in my initial post - the cancer was not a true story.
 

MaggieD

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Oh they were never diagnosed nor did they have cancer or go bankrupt because of it. I am not sure of all the reasons they went into this detail of this to me yet it did impact me greatly and I wanted to help them.

I would close that chapter of my life with that person. Probably would just distance myself rather than confront them. I do not abide liars or drama. That person's affliction is WAY above my pay grade for me to help them in any way.

And, believe me when I say, life is way too short.
 

Turin

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so how did you handle it?

and where is the relationship today?

I guess I viewed it the person had unresolved issues and they had just met me and were trying to compensate for challenges they had in a socially acceptable way.


Well I care for the person and close yet for many reasons i censor myself in interactions with this person. This event happened and others issues that I all never let my guard down yet I forgive and moved forward.
 
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