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The Queen of Great Britain

jujuman13

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The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.


"Please send Gordon Brown in here, would you?"

Gordon Brown walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Gordon, your mother
and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister.


Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Gordon Brown answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same
question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"



"I'm not sure," said Joe. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went
to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's
shoes in the next stall. Joe asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this
for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or
your sister. Who is it?"



Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Joe smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Colin Powell!"



Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! YOU IDIOT! It's Gordon Brown!"

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.
 

Goshin

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:lamo :lamo :lamo


That was funny, even tho I think I've heard it before.
 

Manc Skipper

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You did hear it before, with the current president's predecessor in the starring role. I heard American conservatives were against recycling. ;)
 

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You did hear it before, with the current president's predecessor in the starring role. I heard American conservatives were against recycling. ;)
I just post them, someone else thinks them up.
 

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The Brothel and the smart man

"The Brothel"



The madam opened the brothel door in Chigwell and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Colchester ."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Colchester ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
Hey! Obama used to be a lawyer!
 

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Satan ( No NOT Obama) the real thing

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.



Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
 

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The Four Goldberg Brothers.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram,
and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in
Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him
that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting
innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to
the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and
cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back
to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the
patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2
million, but they wanted the recognition by having a
label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard
of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-
Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the
Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and
finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first
names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show –
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
 

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Instructions on using the ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
 

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The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
 

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Arizona's problem!

The owner of the Phoenix Suns basketball team, Robert Sarver, opposes AZ's new immigration laws.

Arizona's Governor, Jan Brewer, released the following statement in response to Sarver's criticism of the new law:

"What if the owners of the Suns discovered that hordes of people were sneaking

into games without paying?

What if they had a good idea who the gate-crashers are, but the ushers and security personnel were not allowed to ask these folks to produce their ticket stubs, thus non-paying attendees couldn't be ejected.

Furthermore, what if Suns' ownership was expected to provide those who sneaked in with complimentary eats and drink?

And what if, on those days when a gate-crasher became ill or injured, the Suns had to provide free medical care and shelter?"
 

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The bottle of red wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish

you were married, or wish you weren't married, this

is something to smile about the next time you see a

bottle of wine:



Stella was driving home from one of her business

trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly

Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.



As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped

the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.



With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.



Resuming the journey, Stella tried in vain to make

a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old

woman just sat silently, looking intently at

everything she saw, studying every little detail,

until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Stella.



'What in bag?' asked the old woman.



Stella looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's

a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.


Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.'
 

Wiseone

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Re: Arizona's problem!

Sorry my state can be childish sometimes.
 

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Re: Arizona's problem!

The owner of the Phoenix Suns basketball team, Robert Sarver, opposes AZ's new immigration laws.

Arizona's Governor, Jan Brewer, released the following statement in response to Sarver's criticism of the new law:

"What if the owners of the Suns discovered that hordes of people were sneaking

into games without paying?

What if they had a good idea who the gate-crashers are, but the ushers and security personnel were not allowed to ask these folks to produce their ticket stubs, thus non-paying attendees couldn't be ejected.

Furthermore, what if Suns' ownership was expected to provide those who sneaked in with complimentary eats and drink?

And what if, on those days when a gate-crasher became ill or injured, the Suns had to provide free medical care and shelter?"
What if those gate crashers cleaned the building after the games for a lower wage the the people previously employeed to do so, what if they operated the food stands for half the money and were better at it. What if those gate crashers increased the owners profit drastically because of the lower operating costs they created
 

spud_meister

Veni, vidi, dormivi!
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Re: Arizona's problem!

What if those gate crashers cleaned the building after the games for a lower wage the the people previously employeed to do so, what if they operated the food stands for half the money and were better at it. What if those gate crashers increased the owners profit drastically because of the lower operating costs they created
what if i murdered someone, cut out all their organs, and then gave them to an organ bank, would the fact that i donate these organs excuse me from murder?

they're still breaking the law, and as such are criminals.
 

Wiseone

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Re: Arizona's problem!

What if this problem is not in fact a basketball game, a ticket stand or a murderer... and what if the issue can't be explained in ridiculous analogies.

Or what if illegal immigrants are ticket stand vendors at a basketball game, the fans will represent the people who can't get job as ticket vendors because illegal immigrants are taking them, so no one can go to the game because no one can afford a ticket or a TV to watch it on. The basketball players are the politicians and the basketball itself is the issue of illegal immigration, and like a real political issue it goes back and forth, back and forth between the two basketball teams which are the different sides of the issue, the basketball game is the debate. Well since no one can watch the game on TV or in person no one knows whats going on with the game, ie the debate, so the players on the teams realize this and so they start cheating which ruins the whole game which is not only the debate but also AMERICA because no one is watching because no one can get a ticket or afford a TV because the ticket vendors took their jobs!

Its all quite clear if you look at from that perspective that illegal immigration will destroy America!!!
 

TBone

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Re: Arizona's problem!

Its all quite clear if you look at from that perspective that illegal immigration will destroy America!!!
Just an opinion, not a jab at you, but what will destroy America will be lack of leadership. Good leadership will find a way to everyone to compromise to fix things.
 

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Holistic Medicine

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'




The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.
 

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Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
 

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It's Public Housing

The problem with public housing is that the residents are not the owners.
The people that live in the house did not earn the house, but were loaned the property from the true owners, the taxpayers. Because of this, the residents do not have the "pride of ownership" that comes with the hard work necessary.
In fact, the opposite happens and the residents resent their benefactors because the very house is a constant reminder that they themselves did not earn the right to live in the house. They do not appreciate the value of the property and see no need to maintain or respect it in any way.

The result is the same whether you are talking about a studio apartment or a magnificent mansion full of priceless antiques. If the people who live there do not feel they earned the privilege, they will make this known through their actions. The picture below illustrates the point…

The picture shows President Obama with his feet up on this antique desk.



The Resolute Desk was built from the timbers of the HMS Resolute and was a gift from Queen Victoria to President Rutherford B. Hayes.

It is considered a national treasure and icon of the presidency.

Mr. Obama, with all due respect, get your @#$% feet off our desk!

As a matter of fact, get the hell out of the peoples house and take your arrogant staff with you.

The worst thing about
being lied to is
knowing you weren't
worth the truth..
 
Last edited:

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Re: It's Public Housing

I have a solution. Let's just let the families be homeless.

Problem solved.
 

Orion

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Re: Pancakes

Please... stop...
 

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Re: It's Public Housing

I have a solution. Let's just let the families be homeless.

Problem solved.
That just moves them to the street, blocking my car, a better idea is to send them to a meat packing plant to make animal feed. An efficient society does not let people go to waste
 

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Re: Arizona's problem!

Moderator's Warning:
Threads merged. Each joke doesn't need it's own thread.
 

Lord Tammerlain

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Re: Arizona's problem!

what if i murdered someone, cut out all their organs, and then gave them to an organ bank, would the fact that i donate these organs excuse me from murder?

they're still breaking the law, and as such are criminals.
Yeah but they are productive criminals, and they are helping not harming the owner of the team
 

digsbe

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Re: Arizona's problem!

Yeah but they are productive criminals, and they are helping not harming the owner of the team
Instead they are harming the owner of the organs, and still breaking the law. I can "help" someone in a nasty divorce situation by killing their spouse so they can inherit life insurance and other benefits. That doesn't make it right though, and it would still be illegal and I would be charged and guilty of crime (and rightfully so). Do you support abusing employees? Because that's essentially what happens to illegals. Do you support them coming over because they do illegally underpaid labor? What about those who are on the legal waiting list to become citizens? It's not fair to them, and they are the law abiding people too.
 
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