After nine years on this site, this is my first blog. For most this will be tl;dr, but some of you I have known for over a dozen years,and have noted that the past two years have wrought some significant changes to me, and my posts. For those who actually care, you deserve an explanation. For those looking for mud to drag me through, screw you, I care nothing for your opinions.
The past two years have been incredibly difficult for me. A quick run-down: My second husband and I married, found ourselves with 5 children traumatized by divorce, both facing financial ruin, and when it became clear that we had married each other for the wrong reasons, me to stabilize my children's lives and him to have help paying his debts and replacing a handy scapegoat, each of us had to make a decision. I chose to stay because I was strong, independent, able to handle his controlling, bullying behavior because he knew I had the financial ability (I made more money than he did) and the will to walk out any time he went too far, taking not only my own children,but his as well.
Fast forward a few decades. Children grown, gone and spread across the country, and about 12 years ago, I became very ill. It was chronic, incurable, and as I became physical weaker and frail, losing muscle mass until I was less than 90 pounds,he become more confident in his ability to cut me off from outside contact and bully me into submission with threats. Yeah, I know, pity party, poor me, yada-yada, lol. I never told my children or my stepchildren,because they had their own lives, I didn't want to worry them, and fear of going to prison kept my increasingly abusive husband from going "toofar."
In the past two years, things have changed. My husband,who is 12 years older than me, was diagnosed with "normal pressure hydrocephalus ", also known as"water on the brain". Symptoms include difficulty walking, frequent falls, incontinence, and symptoms of dementia. He has them all. Although he's been under the care of a neurologist, with frequent MRI's, cat scans, lumbar punctures and therapies, he has dismissed all the potential cures, including a surgical procedure that could eliminate his symptoms. If he doesn't have control of something, he wants nothing to do with it.
Over the past two years, he's gone from being a difficult, negative , belittling, blame mongering, control-freak bully to a full-blown hot-and-cold psychopath, one day "normal" ,then suddenly becoming irrational,erratic, volatile and violently abusive, threatening everything from killing our pets to killing me to burning the house down with me in it. Some days I wonder if he will kill me in my sleep; other days I'm so stressed and anxious that I wish he would so I'd never wake up. Suicide would destroy my children or stepchildren, whom I dearly love, but who I dare not tell what is really going on lest my problem ends up on them.
I realize that he is not completely responsible for his irrational tantrums/violent behavior,the magnification of his own bullying narcissistic personality disorder, and his inability to make a decision on his own treatment is simply the indecisive,fearful person he is magnified by 1000. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I have no close family, no support network…he has destroyed the relationships with all our friends by his explosive,irrational attacks on them… so I have tried to keep myself sane with the only friendships I have, you people (you know who you are) that I have grown to respect and trust over the past decade or more.
I'm telling those who care all this because yes, I know I'm less tolerant, more easily annoyed and angered, and not the same person I was a few years back. I probably never will be. I don't blame anyone who writes me off as a lost cause. Nevertheless, the people I have interacted with for years online have been a lifeline to me, and I want you to know it.
I love being a staff member of DP, and hope to continue my DM duties for as long as I am able, anda lthough I've made certain that CaptainCourtesy and RedAkston have my home phone number, there's no guarantee there will be anyone here to answer that call. If I disappear for a significant amount of time, it would sadden me to know that so many people that I have cared about over the years did not realize what a supportive, positive influence they have had on my life. Thank you all, bless you all, and with that,please don't make me fling a flaming head at you in the Basement, because I really don't get any enjoyment from it!
Luv to all,
Di
The past two years have been incredibly difficult for me. A quick run-down: My second husband and I married, found ourselves with 5 children traumatized by divorce, both facing financial ruin, and when it became clear that we had married each other for the wrong reasons, me to stabilize my children's lives and him to have help paying his debts and replacing a handy scapegoat, each of us had to make a decision. I chose to stay because I was strong, independent, able to handle his controlling, bullying behavior because he knew I had the financial ability (I made more money than he did) and the will to walk out any time he went too far, taking not only my own children,but his as well.
Fast forward a few decades. Children grown, gone and spread across the country, and about 12 years ago, I became very ill. It was chronic, incurable, and as I became physical weaker and frail, losing muscle mass until I was less than 90 pounds,he become more confident in his ability to cut me off from outside contact and bully me into submission with threats. Yeah, I know, pity party, poor me, yada-yada, lol. I never told my children or my stepchildren,because they had their own lives, I didn't want to worry them, and fear of going to prison kept my increasingly abusive husband from going "toofar."
In the past two years, things have changed. My husband,who is 12 years older than me, was diagnosed with "normal pressure hydrocephalus ", also known as"water on the brain". Symptoms include difficulty walking, frequent falls, incontinence, and symptoms of dementia. He has them all. Although he's been under the care of a neurologist, with frequent MRI's, cat scans, lumbar punctures and therapies, he has dismissed all the potential cures, including a surgical procedure that could eliminate his symptoms. If he doesn't have control of something, he wants nothing to do with it.
Over the past two years, he's gone from being a difficult, negative , belittling, blame mongering, control-freak bully to a full-blown hot-and-cold psychopath, one day "normal" ,then suddenly becoming irrational,erratic, volatile and violently abusive, threatening everything from killing our pets to killing me to burning the house down with me in it. Some days I wonder if he will kill me in my sleep; other days I'm so stressed and anxious that I wish he would so I'd never wake up. Suicide would destroy my children or stepchildren, whom I dearly love, but who I dare not tell what is really going on lest my problem ends up on them.
I realize that he is not completely responsible for his irrational tantrums/violent behavior,the magnification of his own bullying narcissistic personality disorder, and his inability to make a decision on his own treatment is simply the indecisive,fearful person he is magnified by 1000. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I have no close family, no support network…he has destroyed the relationships with all our friends by his explosive,irrational attacks on them… so I have tried to keep myself sane with the only friendships I have, you people (you know who you are) that I have grown to respect and trust over the past decade or more.
I'm telling those who care all this because yes, I know I'm less tolerant, more easily annoyed and angered, and not the same person I was a few years back. I probably never will be. I don't blame anyone who writes me off as a lost cause. Nevertheless, the people I have interacted with for years online have been a lifeline to me, and I want you to know it.
I love being a staff member of DP, and hope to continue my DM duties for as long as I am able, anda lthough I've made certain that CaptainCourtesy and RedAkston have my home phone number, there's no guarantee there will be anyone here to answer that call. If I disappear for a significant amount of time, it would sadden me to know that so many people that I have cared about over the years did not realize what a supportive, positive influence they have had on my life. Thank you all, bless you all, and with that,please don't make me fling a flaming head at you in the Basement, because I really don't get any enjoyment from it!
Luv to all,
Di