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Qantas "Gripe Sheet"

Missouri Mule

DP Veteran
Jul 14, 2005
Reaction score
Hot Springs, Arkansas
Political Leaning
This is an old joke and I can't really vouch for its accuracy but I get a good laugh every time I read it. The last one might be construed as "politically incorrect" but I'll include it anyway.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And finally

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
I love it, and considering I the way the week's been going, I needed a good laugh, so thanks.
More airline humor :

Airline Anecdotes

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make
the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6
ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you
to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I
am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on
the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any
passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as
they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was
the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."

But Member Pic Thread is better.

Arch Enemy said:

But Member Pic Thread is better.


Damn skippy.

Hey what does <3 mean?
This is funny stuph!

Kelzie said:
Damn skippy.

Hey what does <3 mean?

It's a sideways heart.
vauge said:
This is funny stuph!

It's a sideways heart.

Suurre it is. With a big space in the middle...:mrgreen:
Arch Enemy said:

But Member Pic Thread is better.


omg recongize the originator sucka!
Last edited:
128shot said:
omg recongize the originator sucka!

It got ALOT better after the first disappointing post....:rofl
cnredd said:
It got ALOT better after the first disappointing post....:rofl

hater :thumbdown
yes, you are the bestest greaterest and awesomest at it.

That you are.
128shot said:
yes, you are the bestest greaterest and awesomest at it.

That you are.


You think someone can be a "prick" naturally? No!...It takes years of hard work and dedication.
I guess my training isn't yet complete :2razz:
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