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Need advice from parents

Superfly

Salty, defiant, and completely non-compliant.
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From Tucson to Tucumcari, Tehachapi to Tonopah
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OK my daughter likes this guy who we feel is not the best match for her. He's a pretty rough customer, and also older than her. Not by much - only 2 years, but she's 15 and he's 17, and that's illegal here. We refuse to allow her to date him because first of all, we told her no dating until she's 16 (and we have to meet him and approve) but also because he's just not what we want for her.

We found out about him by chance, when a friend told me, "You know your daughter has bad taste in men." She went on to explain what she meant. She then told me that she had allowed her to call him on her cell phone. She said taht she didn't know that my daughter wasnt' allowed to speak to him. Personally, that made me wonder, because why would a teenager come over and ask to use your phone all the time, and something not be untoward, right? OK so I told her that I didnt' want my daughter using her phone anymore, and she agreed.

We sat my daughter down adn talked to her about this situation, at length. She told us, "I love him and want to run away and be with him." :roll: :roll: Young love. Sheesh. So we asked her where they were going to live, and she said they were going to live together, with his mother. I wanted his phone number so we could call his mother and let her in on this. Felt she needed to know that she was about to take in another boarder. We had no intention, of course, of letting her go. We just wanted the mother to know that her son would be placed in jail if he tried to steal our daughter away. Well, she said she didn't know his number, and I believed her because she hasn't called him, that we know of, since all this happened. My husband and I agreed to at least let her talk to him on the phone from time to time, while we all sat around the living room and I listened to every word. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I acquiesced and told her she could talk to him, but no dating, no going anywhere and no being alone together.

I called my friend, and asked her to give us his number off of her cell phone. She said, "My phone only goes back 5 days." I call BS on that, and told my husband as much.

I felt like she was helping my daughter talk to this guy. What didn't make sense was that she told me about what my daughter was doing. So anyway, my husband went for a walk to talk to her and let her know how we felt, and that it wasn't to happen again. I didn't want to speak to her. I was still too angry.

Well my husband, being the calm, collected one, eventually talked me down from teh sniper tower, and I started talking to her again. So she texts me this morning, and says, "I found that guy's phone number."
"How?" I said, "I thought your phone didnt' go back far enough."
"Well, I just messaged him on Facebook and told him ***** missed him and wanted to talk to him."
"OK what's his number."

Well she gave me the number. I thought the whole "I messaged him on FB" sounded really weird, but wanted the number, so I went along with it.

Later on tonight, everybody was outside playing basketball, the friend included. When my daughter came in, the first thing she asked was could she borrow my cell phone. "Why?" I asked her. "Because I want to play a game on your phone."

Right. So I told her no, and immediately texted the friend and asked her if she gave my daughter that number. She said, "No, I just told her I gave you the number."

Well that really made me angry. I hadn't decided if I was even going to let her know I had the number, because both her Dad and I messaged this guy and said, "***** misses you and wants to talk to you but doesn't remember your number." He never answered which just reinforced my belief that he only wanted one thing, and when he found out Mom and Dad were watching her like a hawk, he ran scared.

So I let her know I was angry because she took that choice out of my hands.

I swear, I feel like she is trying to help them get together. I don't know. I am cynical and this is what I see. I think she was wrong the first time, and even moreso this time, because she KNOWS how upset I was before.

**********************************************************************************

I'd like input from parents with teenagers, and please no ugliness here. I'm just trying to protect my daughter, but at the same time, I want to see her happy. I just want to do the right thing for her, without any outside input from this person.

Do I have a right to be angry?
 
this person who is the go between is playing a dumb game. You might want to discuss with them the reality that they are potentially aiding in a felony and that may carry some jail time for them if they continue to do so. Are you sure you want this friend around your daughter? this all seems very strange. How do you know your friend gave you the real number? Why has it not dawned on you yet that your friend is probably the one who brought the two together in the first place? There are so many lies here swirling around and you have probably only caught the tip of the iceburg. Are you even sure he is 17? This sounds like some internet/non-local dating thing. Are you sure this is not some much older guy pretending to be a teen to suck her in? Can you rely on your friend to tell you the truth?

There are things you need to do.
Find out this guy's real name and contact information. It should not be too hard with a few lies of your own to your supposed friend who is helping her. pretend you are thinking about changing your mind, but you need to actually know who he is. if you can get his real cell phone number, which i doubt the one you have is, then you should be able to easily look up the information including his billing address. if he has one of those joint accounts with his parents you can find out where they live pretty easily with a few dirt cheap internet look up tools. Also, be sure to check your friend's friends list on FB. There is a possibility you might find this guy there. Find out exactly how your daughter met him, where she hangs out (especially online), and anything else that can help you to track him down. She is talking to him somehow, so figure out how.

once you have that info let your friend know any future contact will be reported to the police, and that your friend will also be reported along with it. Then get rid of your friend. You are a parent, and people who would introduce your kid to people who they think are not good people need to be removed from your life for your kid's sake. even if you have some out there friends they should know not to endanger your kids, and when things go way too far.

have a little conversation with your daughter and let her know you are the family she is going to keep going back to. It is great her little pen pal has a mom that will supposedly let her stay, but that person is not going to be there for her. See if you cannot get her to lay off until she is legal. Chances are bonehead will get bored and go find someone else if she decides to wait a few months to be able to legally talk to him. oh, and don't be the bad guy here and tell her you will come down on them. Let her know the police don't need you to arrest him. tell her just being with him on a date could get him a felony conviction and then have to deal with registering as a sex offender. Play to her feelings, and if you feel a little guilty about lying to your kid to get some information, stop feeling guilty. really, she is lying to you, feel free to do your job as a parent.

i don't know what other advice to give. She is a teenager and you are her parents. She is going to rebel. You are in the same place as many parents wondering how to keep their kid from making a mistake with a complete idiot. You will probably fail at that because kids screw up. You have to find out who exactly this guy is. Have you checked your state's local sex offender registry list for this guy's name? your state should have a free to access sex offender's list, but you need to have a good idea who he is first. if he does happen to be on that list your problem is easily solved.

you know she is lying, and you know your friend is lying too. now you need to know what the truth is. Without that it is very hard to do much but wonder.
 
Thanks, Tere. You bring up some valid points. Alot of them, we have already approached with her, like how he would go on the registered sex offender list, etc. I'm not even sure he wants to talk to her, honestly. I think maybe he wanted to talk to her when he thought she would be easy pickings.

This is what I think. I think that my "friend" had his number all along, and didn't give it up because she didn't want any trouble from anybody. Now she feels sorry for my daughter and mysteriously, the number is found.

As far as how she knows him, she knows him from school (she said). He isn't on my friends list because I have about 50 people on my friends list, all family and very close friends.

I started homeschooling my daughter in November, because of her behavior at school, and her grades. I know she's lonely, and I know she's rebelling because she's lonely. She's a very social girl, which is one of the problems we had at school. She'd laugh and talk and goof off all day, and it would be disruptive to class and disruptive to her grades. So I know she's lonely, but I don't know what more I can do. She has friends here in the neighborhood, and we go out often. I won't let her spend the night away from home because, quite honestly, I don't trust her. But I will let friends stay the night here, she just never asks anyone.
 

As your daughter sounds to be a bit of a ''free spirit''

The more you object to this boy..the more she will find him attractive...

Invite him to dinner..get into his head..at least if they are in your home...they can't get up to anything..

And he might lose his attractive ''wild'' persona...when he's got gravy dribbling down his chin!!
 
LOL we thought of that, wolfie, and thanks. We just didn't have his number up until yesterday. She is a free spirit, and a rebellious one. She's a very sweet girl, but every now and then she just gets this rebellious streak fired up, and puts us through the ringer. It usually lasts for a day or two and then things level off.
 

I only gave birth to boys...

They are more devious than girls..

Because ''they don't bring their trouble home''as my mom would say...
 
You're doing fine. It is well she has someone who cares about her enough to try to keep her between the guard rails.

I'd put restrictions on her interaction w/ the neighbor-friend, who sounds like an irresponsible enabler.
 
Thanks, Goshin. I had told her she couldn't go inside her house anymore, because I didn't trust either of them. My daughter, I could understand, because they are going to keep pushing the limits as long as we let them. The "friend" has no excuse. I have told her how I feel, and it's like she's adopting this, "Oh, I didn't know, and I'm sorry" attitude. My daughter is 15, but she looks 20. She's very statuesque and very pretty, and also funny and generally a fun person to be around. The problem, I think, is that the "friend" is having a hard time realizing that my daughter is 15, and not an adult. She doesn't look 15, and doesn't act 15.
 
Let her run away with him. I give it 3 weeks. Guys like this tend to lose their luster once girls find out who they really are.

And the easiest way to find out who someone really is...is to share the same space daily.

Remind her that eventually she'll have to get a very well-paying job to support him while he stays home all day and plays Wii.
 
Thanks, Gip. You know, I just don't understand. We know 2 young girls who are doing exactly that - out working their butts off all day long, while the men stay home and either play Xbox or screw around on them. We have asked her, "You don't want to end up like so-and-so, do you?" She has no response. The problem is that she can't really use them as an example for getting tired of the BS and kicking them out, because one has allowed her boyfriend to play Xbox while she worked for 8 years, and the other has allowed her husband to lay up and screw around on her for 5 years. *shaking my head*
 

Well, if you tell her that he's not welcome around there (she is, for visiting, but not him) and essentially give her an ultimatum without actually giving her an ultimatum, she'll see firsthand what she wants. If she's really that smart, she'll eventually see him as an anchor that's weighing her down. That's what happened to my cousin. She actually married a leech, under the guise that she would "change" him. It lasted about a year. She's incredibly smart, but sometimes they need to actually let the head and the heart duke it out to see where the most sense comes from. If she deserves the credit you give her, she'll figure it out sooner or later. It won't take a long time, but it may take some time. It only takes one thing to finally give them the "aha!" moment. One time she'll have a terribly hard day at work and she'll come home to the boyfriend playing HALO one too many times, and that will be the final straw. Then bam - you have your daughter back, and better than before.
 

If she's a free spirit, she'll find a way to see this guy. You may need to plan for that. I'd get her on birth control. Just sayin...
 

I just checked my phone. It only goes back five days.

I sorta' think you put your neighbor in the middle when you asked for the guy's number. IMO, all conversation with her ought to have stopped when you asked her not to let your daughter use her phone anymore. When I was a teen, my parents put a neighbor in the middle on something sort of similar. I ended up hating the neighbor and sneaking around.

You're mad at the situation. The neighbor probably just thought she was helping. Let it go.

As to your daughter, just keep an eye on her. I like that you said she could continue talking to him. Don't make too big a deal out of it. You know how teen girls are . . . at least I know how I was. Ha!

I'm just looking at Tererun's answer. I think this poster's "location" (listed in the Avatar) is probably right.
 
This is a tough one.

I was a "free spirit" myself, although I had decent taste in men even then. My dad tended to take the route of encouraging me to talk by making himself seem non-judgmental (always wear a calm face even if you're freaking out), rather than explicitly telling me I couldn't do things. It ensured he knew more about what was going on. And I was smart enough to figure out how to do things anyway if he tried to stop me, which was the problem.

I think the most important thing you can do is make sure she understands the importance of her own self-esteem, as well as protecting her body from both abuse and the pitfalls of sex. Taking the focus off the boy (the thing she wants) and putting it onto her own needs and the things she deserves (the thing that will stop her from getting too involved with crappy men).

Just my .02, as a bull-headed person since birth.
 
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Super, the story you are telling was Lina and I to a T. Her parents split us up, she ended up with another guy, married very young, two kids and divorced. 8 years from when they broke us up to back together. Been 15 years since then. Thing is at this point too much intrusion on your part is going to cause problems between the two of you in the short term (like the next few years) but that is likely inevitable anyway. Thing is we're pretty sure looking back if they had not split us up we would not likely still be together. We both had things we needed to learn first.

And "Patience" is still our song
 
Thanks to everyone for the advice. Maggie, I'm glad you told me your phone only goes back 5 days. I thought that was BS. Glad to know it's not.
 
wolfie said:
I only gave birth to boys...

They are more devious than girls..

Because ''they don't bring their trouble home''as my mom would say...
Click to expand...

I disagree. Girls are sneakier than boys....I have one if each and she is MUCH MORE talented in sneak than he is.

SF.... I really have no advice although my daughter will be 15 in a couple of weeks and has had a couple of boyfriends, I haven't run across this situation yet.

I will say though...that I'd take the go between friend out of the equation entirely. I wouldn't talk yo her and I wouldn't allow my daughter to, either.

I think you're doing all you can at this point. I agree with giving in on a couple things with this boy because to forbid contact all together will surely being some rebellion go behind your back business.
 
That's exactly why I gave in and let her talk to him. I certainly didn't want to, but you have to pick your battles, and I, too, felt like if I didn't let her talk to him, she'd find a way to do it.

So I'm just watching her closer.
 
Hopefully, your 15 year old doesn't end up like your oldest daughter. But people will do what they think is right, and trying to force her to not see someone she believes she cares about won't end well. Like i said, plenty of birth control. And if she's smart, she'll figure out before it's too late that this guy's a douche nozzle who only cares about getting his dick wet and/or being supported financially. Thing is, she has to figure that out for herself. Also, not to get too personal, but people tend to repeat their parent's mistakes and they also lose their virginity around the same time. If you were 15 or 16, statistically she will be as well. Good luck with that.
 
You "friend" doesn't sound like she really is one.


As to letting the 15-year-old girl date a 17-yr-old loser living with his mom. Hell No!

Keep up the good fight, and good luck.
 

I wasn't. I was older than that, and my oldest daughter was also older than that. We were both out of high school when we lost our virginity.
 
ok OP, you may want to ignore the rest of my post












first, have a safe sex discussion with your daughter. explain ALL of the possible down sides of not ALWAYS engaging in safe sex
explain that you are not encouraging her to have sex at this age but that you know you cannot always be there to prevent it, and that you expect her to have SAFE sex IF she chooses to become sexually active
my fear is that you will avoid this discussion under the false belief that if you don't, she will not have sex
and we all know that is far from true

second, make sure she has access to essential birth control devices; condoms at a minimum - and that she knows what to do with them (don't assume that is intuitive). because what good does having the safe sex talk do if you do not prove you mean it by also providing safe sex devices

three. trust her to do what is best for herself. she is a mature (physically, anyway) 15 year old young woman. you will not always be there to make sure she makes good/safe decisions. if you do not trust her, she will not see a reason to trust you - and your advice

four. make sure she knows she can come to you and her father and discuss ANYTHING. that unconditional love that we all insist we have for our kids. well, this is one of the ways we show it. and here is where i am concerned about you. your daughter is in a position to choose to continue to see this (or any other 'bad') boy, yet who is it you want to blame? the neighbor. the 17 year old boy with hormones surging. you tell her she can't see this guy yet you allow her to chat on the phone with him. hell of a mixed message. was that worth the intel you got eavesdropping on her call? i strongly doubt it

five. why is 16 an acceptable age for her to begin dating but not at 15? have you discussed curfew? having to first meet the boy before the date as well as knowing how to get in touch with his parents? what would be gained at age 16 that does not exist now? you indicated she does not invite her friends to stay with her at night when you are away; what keeps him from coming over now, when you are away at night?

six. heed the advice you were already given. invite the prospective boyfriend into your home. go on family outings with him aboard. you may find he is a good kid. you may also find that he is unwilling to pay this 'price' to be able to date your daughter. he might not then seem so desirable by her. teens tend to seek out that forbidden fruit; the more you insist she cannot do something the more she will want to do exactly that
when my daughter began seeing guys alone rather than among a group, her date had to come inside and meet me. it was always a good time to proudly show him my gun collection, all the while smiling. it was THE opportunity to ask him if he was a good shot. never needed to threaten any of them but they all got my message

seven. unless your daughter is very lucky and very wise, she is going to make some mistakes along the way. neither of you can prevent that; it's part of the process

eight. remain diligent about her health and safety AND her happiness. two out of three will never be enough. and sometimes her happiness is going to make you unhappy. be prepared to make that sacrifice. as a parent your obligation is to the protection of your child. make sure that is what drives your decision making process and not that you do not like who she chooses or that she does not accept your authority. then it becomes about you and is no longer about what is best for her. and for me, this was one of the most difficult things about being a parent

nine. if you can make it until she turns 23, you will be amazed at how wonderful she has become and how the tension of your relationship has all but disappeared. (for guys, this age is about 27-28)

ten. what you are experiencing has been experienced by many; but no two situations are exactly the same. you will get thru this. with luck and work you will both become the better for it

eleven. that's just my lucky number. i'm all out of suggestions. but wish you all good luck
 
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