Marriage, and the last name.

[stevenb]

So my girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot more lately. (We've been together almost 6 years now).

And she's on about not taking my last name and insisting that I take her's.


I don't really know how I feel about getting married to a girl that won't take my name like in a traditional sense.. and instead insists that I take her's or we just coexist with our own last names.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?

 

[Gardener]

So my girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot more lately. (We've been together almost 6 years now).

And she's on about not taking my last name and insisting that I take her's.


I don't really know how I feel about getting married to a girl that won't take my name like in a traditional sense.. and instead insists that I take her's or we just coexist with our own last names.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?

My thoughts are that neither of you should pressure the other to do something they don't want to do. Since you do not want to take her name, perhaps you can use this knowlege to help you understand how she might not want to take yours, and opt for for the option of neither changing your last name.

Remember, this is just a social convention and has little to do with how much you love each other.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Leslie isn't planning on taking my last name. It stings more than I let on, but I understand why she wants to keep the name she was given at birth. There is some issue over whose name our children will carry, but I find myself less concerned with it as time goes on.

Contrary to what my father had told me for years, it turns out that his father did have brothers, and they have had sons and grandsons.

But I think trying to insist that you take her name, contrary to tradition and your own desires, when she is not willing to take yours, is a profound disrespect-- and if I were you, I would question why she thinks this is an acceptable position to take.

 

[B L Zeebub]

I take it neither of your last names, when link with your first names, makes a daft name, if thats the case, I concur with Dr Lackers

 

[stevenb]

Leslie isn't planning on taking my last name. It stings more than I let on, but I understand why she wants to keep the name she was given at birth. There is some issue over whose name our children will carry, but I find myself less concerned with it as time goes on.

Contrary to what my father had told me for years, it turns out that his father did have brothers, and they have had sons and grandsons.

But I think trying to insist that you take her name, contrary to tradition and your own desires, when she is not willing to take yours, is a profound disrespect-- and if I were you, I would question why she thinks this is an acceptable position to take.

Kinda sums up how I feel.

blech

 

[windovervocalcords]

So my girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot more lately. (We've been together almost 6 years now).

And she's on about not taking my last name and insisting that I take her's.


I don't really know how I feel about getting married to a girl that won't take my name like in a traditional sense.. and instead insists that I take her's or we just coexist with our own last names.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?

Marriage used to be about property and the wives were considered the property of the husband.

Your finance may want to turn that past on its head by not taking YOUR name and either having the two of you keep your own names or having you take hers. Insisting that she take yours is a profound disrespect of her beliefs. I don't think she should insist you take hers, sounds like its a suggestion under consideration. Just goes to show you she wants a lot of consciousness in this marriage.

Another option is a composite of both names--that you both hyphenate your last names or make a new last name.

Are you planning to have children? That changes things too.

 

[rathi]

Isn't a bit hypocritical to be unhappy for someone insisting they take their name but then turn around and want them to take your name? If you think about it, you both want exactly the same thing, so it should be easy to understand their reasoning. Hopefully, you can use the shared empathy to work out some sort of compromise. Most people keep their maiden names or use hyphens, but you could radical and both change you last name to your spouses.

 

[stekim]

So my girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot more lately. (We've been together almost 6 years now).

And she's on about not taking my last name and insisting that I take her's.


I don't really know how I feel about getting married to a girl that won't take my name like in a traditional sense.. and instead insists that I take her's or we just coexist with our own last names.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?

It does not matter what my thoughts are. It's the two of you that need to deal with it. But know this: It will not affect your marriage regardless.

 

[StandUpChuck]

It does not matter what my thoughts are. It's the two of you that need to deal with it. But know this: It will not affect your marriage regardless.

Yeah, it will. I can understand why some women feel they don't want to take someone else's name, but the insistance that he take hers is a bit bratty IMO. I can't imagine house buying, making decisions about children ... etc w/someone like that. Marriage is about love and compromise. If it doesn't happen when you're still in the ga ga stage, it's going to be real difficult when times get tough.

 

[Goshin]

Steven, if she doesn't want to take your name, and you're ok with that, then ok.

(Personally, I probably wouldn't marry a woman with so little respect for the traditions, but that's me. I'd be concerned it was a sign of other liberal tendencies. :mrgreen: )

BUT, her wanting you to take her name instead... huh uh. No way. If she refuses to take your last name but wants you to take hers, that sounds like a power play to me. Look, it might sound like I'm being facetious or shallow, but I'm dead serious: if you take her last name, you can change your nickname to "PW'ed" for the rest of your marriage. If you give in on that, my guess is she will tell you when to get up, when to sit down, and when you can take a whizz. No offense bro...maybe I'm wrong, I don't know either of you personally...but that is my take on it.

IMO, at the very least you insist firmly on a compromise position... if she wants to hypenate her last name, fine...if she wants you both to keep your last names, I suppose that's ok, but hammer out NOW what you're going to name the children. Don't you want your kids to have your last name? Remember that sometimes kids come anyway no matter what precautions you take.

(With blindfold on and last cigarette lit, I await the volley of fire I am sure the feminazi contingent is prepared to deliver. You may fire when ready, Gridley. :mrgreen: )

 

[Arcana XV]

So my girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot more lately. (We've been together almost 6 years now).

And she's on about not taking my last name and insisting that I take her's.


I don't really know how I feel about getting married to a girl that won't take my name like in a traditional sense.. and instead insists that I take her's or we just coexist with our own last names.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?

What's her reason for insisting you take her last name?

 

[RightinNYC]

Is she a Kennedy or a Rockefeller?

(That's the only possible reason I can think of for a girl to insist on you taking her name)

 

[Goshin]

Is she a Kennedy or a Rockefeller?

(That's the only possible reason I can think of for a girl to insist on you taking her name)

If her Daddy can fork over a paid-off million-dollar house as a wedding gift, pass me the name-change form. :mrgreen:

Otherwise, no dice.

 

[stekim]

Yeah, it will. I can understand why some women feel they don't want to take someone else's name, but the insistance that he take hers is a bit bratty IMO. I can't imagine house buying, making decisions about children ... etc w/someone like that. Marriage is about love and compromise. If it doesn't happen when you're still in the ga ga stage, it's going to be real difficult when times get tough.

Ahhh, it's not the NAME thing that will affect the marriage. It's that she may be a controlling bitch. Now that he may need to worry about. But they are NOT in the ga ga phase. It's 5-6 years into it. So he should know now if she is a bitch.

 

[Goshin]

Ahhh, it's not the NAME thing that will affect the marriage. It's that she may be a controlling bitch. Now that he may need to worry about. But they are NOT in the ga ga phase. It's 5-6 years into it. So he should know now if she is a bitch.

Dunno. Some chicks, something happens to them when they get papers on you... that crazy glint in the eye... :mrgreen:

 

[1069]

I've kept my last name through two marriages.
I plan to die with the name I was born with.
My current husband seriously considered taking my last name when we married, because he feels closer to my family than his own, but in the end he kept his name, for whatever reason.
My children have their father's last name.
I think people should just do whatever they want, in that regard, although I would add that changing one's name involves dealing with a bureaucracy- several bureaucracies- at least to some extent, and for people like me who don't do that if they can possibly avoid it, it can be the tipping point.

But honestly I never would've changed my name even if it had been easy, even if they'd paid me to do it. I am very much a product of my family of origin.
I would feel like an imposter with any other name.

 

[The Baron]

"I don't really know how I feel about getting married to a girl that won't take my name like in a traditional sense.. and instead insists that I take her's or we just coexist with our own last names.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?" - stevenb

My personal opinion is twofold:

1. After six years it’s time to sh** or get off the pot.

2. Get off the pot. If she is not going to take your last name as is tradition then I would let her go. When you get married you join lives and the taking of the last name is a part of that. If she is refusing to do so then I think you have every reason to be suspicious as to just how committed she is going to be to your marriage.

There is a name for people like this. They are called “lonely”.

There is no reason for you to go through the misery and no reason for her to hold-on to those unreasonable long-term expectations of having someone to share her life with so just get off the pot.

 

[Oftencold]

I think that she should be willing to take your name, because it is a very well established social norm. But I certainly wouldn't let her refusal stop your marriage. (If I were speaking to just her, mind you I'd tell her that she was being childish and petty.)

If I was to re-invent the custom, I'd have the wife take the husband's surname, but the children take the mother's maiden name. Colorful, complicated and confusing, I love it.

Seriously though, I think the tradition is Roman, is I believe it showed the husband's faith in the wife. Modern's are quick to assert that it shows ownership, but really I believe it was meant to show that the husband had no doubt that he was the father of his wife's children.

In old Britain as I understand it for instance, children took the mother's name because it was thought to be absurd to assume that a woman was limiting her intimate affections to her husband.

 

[windovervocalcords]

I never took my husband's last name. Too confusing.

 

[ALiberalModerate]

My wife kept her last name. I don't see the big deal in that, but no way would I have taken her last name. The thing is, even if your wife were to keep her last name and you keep your last name, people will still commonly refer to her as having your last name.

A man should keep his last name (unless its Hitler or something along those lines).

 

[rivrrat]

If I ever do get married, I would never even consider taking my husband's last name. I would not be his property and as such, I have no inclination to take his name to indicate that I am his property. Likewise, he would not be my property and I would never consider asking him to take my last name.

It's really just up to the individuals involved, of course.

Personally, if a man I was about to marry insisted I sacrifice my family name for his, we would never marry. That's not a man I'd want anything to do with.

 

[celticlord]

So my girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot more lately. (We've been together almost 6 years now).

And she's on about not taking my last name and insisting that I take her's.


I don't really know how I feel about getting married to a girl that won't take my name like in a traditional sense.. and instead insists that I take her's or we just coexist with our own last names.

What are your guy's thoughts on this?

If you are at odds over something like names, you two are not ready to get married.

 

[Oftencold]

I have read of an exception to this once, and I thought it beautiful. A man took his wife's surname so that her family name would not go extinct, as she and her parents were the last of their line.

What a lovely gift to a man's new In-laws!

 

[Goshin]

If I ever do get married, I would never even consider taking my husband's last name. I would not be his property and as such, I have no inclination to take his name to indicate that I am his property. Likewise, he would not be my property and I would never consider asking him to take my last name.

It's really just up to the individuals involved, of course.

Personally, if a man I was about to marry insisted I sacrifice my family name for his, we would never marry. That's not a man I'd want anything to do with.

Alas, there go my secret dreams of a happy honeymoon with Riverrat. Woe is me, I am forelorn again. :boom


Oops...I didn't say that out loud, did I?

 

[celticlord]

Alas, there go my secret dreams of a happy honeymoon with Riverrat. Woe is me, I am forelorn again.

No worries....I'm sure she's still up for that abduction fantasy.