Is there anyone with advice?

[11Bravo]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

 

[11Bravo]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

Advice from a female would be helpful, to get a lady's side of the story. But all advice welcome!!

 

[ReverendHellh0und]

I'd eject, fast, quickly, with great haste!

 

[CanadaJohn]

Oh, Thank Christ I'm old and getting older by the minute.

Best of luck.

 

[americanwoman]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

First you shouldn't have told her you lied, especially if you didn't. If it's created trust issues, that's huge and can be extremely hard to get over, and she may not believe a lot of things in the future. You need to come clean with her and what I would do is get her and her friend together and confront the issue. If she believes him over you, that tells you where you stand to her. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, if it goes that far, having to prove you didn't lie because of this stupid episode?

Second, she needs to learn to take what she dishes out. If she is calling you an idiot then she either needs to stop being abusive, yes that is a form of it, or take it right back without blowing up. So what if she regrets the episodes, she needs to stop doing it to begin with. Again, do you really want to spend your time with someone who yells and insults you but goes out of sorts if someone does it back? If that is cool with you, then I guess you found a match.

 

[lizzie]

Advice from a female would be helpful, to get a lady's side of the story. But all advice welcome!!

Hmmmmm, without knowing you, or knowing her, my red flags would be waving briskly and on high alert, if she can't have a rational argument without getting crazy. Imo, that's a huge warning sign, and one that you would probably be wise to heed. Saying someone is a great girl except that she gets crazy, doesn't seem too great to me. But that's just my opinion, and I have nothing to base it on besides my own mental images. Proceed with caution.

 

[joko104]

She's not a great GF. She's a control freak. She's got you in hiding, manipulating yourself and lying to placate her. It will only get worse, never better. You'll increasingly be walking on egg shells and you'll increasingly fear whether you are acting and speaking right or not - as she brow beats you down with her carrot and stick routine. This is particularly so since she never let's things go. The only conflict resolution system between you two is that you completely submit. In the long run you'll be miserable. You can't make her be what she's not.

 

[brothern]

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

The "lie" whether it is true or not, means nothing. Who cares if you did or not? That's meaningless argumentative tit for tat. If you're wrongly accused, the only thing that is hurt is your pride. You'll live.

What I think is more important is the "she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words." That's something that needs to be addressed. Every normal couple fights, but those that are actually happy know how to fight fairly. And that's something that you should communicate to her. "When we argue, which every normal couple does, I feel as if you do not fight fairly. I feel attacked, humiliated and worthless because you are reduced to flinging insane insults and hurtful words at me. This is why I lost it a couple months back."

If neither of you can't get into an argument without resorting to insulting the other one's integrity, you need to get out of the relationship.

 

[11Bravo]

First you shouldn't have told her you lied, especially if you didn't. If it's created trust issues, that's huge and can be extremely hard to get over, and she may not believe a lot of things in the future. You need to come clean with her and what I would do is get her and her friend together and confront the issue. If she believes him over you, that tells you where you stand to her. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, if it goes that far, having to prove you didn't lie because of this stupid episode?

Second, she needs to learn to take what she dishes out. If she is calling you an idiot then she either needs to stop being abusive, yes that is a form of it, or take it right back without blowing up. So what if she regrets the episodes, she needs to stop doing it to begin with. Again, do you really want to spend your time with someone who yells and insults you but goes out of sorts if someone does it back? If that is cool with you, then I guess you found a match.

1st: Yea I think I need to get him and her together and do that. It's been something I've thought about for a while now, because I think I can catch him in a lie in front of her. He's not going to admit it unless I poke the holes in his story.

2nd: That's true, it is kind of abusive. I guess that coming from the military it never really bothered me too much, but it did that time. It's not like we fight like that regularly, we actually have a great relationship, very caring/loving most of the time. And you are right, she should be able to take what she dishes out. I need to have a talk with her about that.

Thank you for your input

 

[11Bravo]

She's not a great GF. She's a control freak. She's got you in hiding, manipulating yourself and lying to placate her. It will only get worse, never better. You'll increasingly be walking on egg shells and you'll increasingly fear whether you are acting and speaking right or not - as she brow beats you down with her carrot and stick routine. This is particularly so since she never let's things go. The only conflict resolution system between you two is that you completely submit. In the long run you'll be miserable. You can't make her be what she's not.

This is what my cousin just told me. I think you're right. You worded it perfectly, I feel like I am only walking on egg shells. I'm such a happy person, I am very appreciative of everything I have! Right now I feel like I'm just upset all the time because I may or may not make her angry.

 

[joko104]

To the extent you want to save the relationship, you'll have to go the power route - which has a small chance of working. She may not respect you because she sees you as weak, believes she is totally in control, and that you are powerless to leave her or mouth her down. If you want to save the relationship (bad idea because by your message this isn't your nature or what you want in a relationship) the only outside chance is if you become more forceful in voice and insistence (WITHOUT INSULTS) at her.

There is an outside chance she sees you as WEAK and her "insane insults and hurtful words" reflect she doesn't respect you for that reason. Being "dominant" does not mean being insulting. Tell her that you are tired of her pettiness and insults in a strong, certain voice. No arguing it, just insistence on your part. Don't walk out. Don't give ultimatums. Nor insults. No tantrum, just forceful, certain, absolute "you will stop acting this way." Ignore ANY reasoning of her bitching. The details are irrelevant to you.

There is a small chance she needs to be dominated and you aren't doing it. There is a 1 in 10 chance that will work. But, then, do you WANT that kind of relationship and do you WANT to be that man, even if you can be? Again, there is only a small chance of success and for how you worded your message this woman isn't for you nor are you right for her. The only man that will work for her is a mouse or a tiger. Ultimately, that is who she will be with - whether you or someone else. A man who is submissive to her - or highly controlling of her. No middle ground. What is not possible is a 50/50 balance of power and relationship.

 

[Quag]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

Bolded is the relevant part IMHO.
If a GF said something like that to me I'd say there's the door.
Emotional blackmail will only lead to unhappiness for both of you.
Caving on this will only encourage her to use the ploy again and you will be faced with the same dilemma.

I had a GF who constantly tried such things. I repeatedly told her not to play head games but she couldn't help herself. Final straw was on night walking home from the bar (about 3 blocks) she demanded the apt keys because she was going to walk home alone. I gave them to her, she stormed off then came back when she saw I wasn't following and proceeded to give me grief for not chasing after her. And that was the end of that relationship.

 

[11Bravo]

Bolded is the relevant part IMHO.
If a GF said something like that to me I'd say there's the door.
Emotional blackmail will only lead to unhappiness for both of you.
Caving on this will only encourage her to use the ploy again and you will be faced with the same dilemma.

I had a GF who constantly tried such things. I repeatedly told her not to play head games but she couldn't help herself. Final straw was on night walking home from the bar (about 3 blocks) she demanded the apt keys because she was going to walk home alone. I gave them to her, she stormed off then came back when she saw I wasn't following and proceeded to give me grief for not chasing after her. And that was the end of that relationship.

Thank you for being frank with me. I don't know what my problem is!!!! I had no problem saying goodbye to my family many times in the Army and leaving home, but right now I'm scared to lose her, when I should be leaving her. How did she gain so much control over me? Is there a way to break this "grip" she has on me? I am thinking that I need to spend more time with friends and my cousin (who is my best friend-lives right up the road) because they see that I am not happy.

Thanks again for answering, I admire your "will", and hope get on your level.

 

[Risky Thicket]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

It's hard to say. Age, how long you all have been living together, how life plans are working out at this point for both of you, money, how committed you both are to each other, there are so many factors. Alcohol can be an issue.

If you really love her and if she really loves you then sit down and talk about it as an US problem, not a YOU problem. In short, if you are both convinced that the other is THE one you be with and you love each other above all things then stay with it.

Often times we argue about things we don't want to admit to ourselves. Anger is based in fear. If the anger reaches a point when hurl words in hopes that they will inflict pain something has made/is making us fearful. For example when your lady is arguing with you about a television show, it doesn't make sense to you. The anger seems unwarranted, not connected. That's because the argument - her fear - is not about the television show. She may not want to know that. She may not want to address that fear so she becomes angry about television.

We all have fears and we all get angry. We can learn to identify our fears and control our angry. We can learn to avoid argument and we can learn how to argue properly. It takes commitment and work, but it is worth it in my opinion.

She may be madly, crazy in love with you and she may very well be fighting those feelings. She may be very afraid of becoming hurt if it doesn't work out. She may have been treated very badly in the past. The same could be happening to you.

At any rate, work on your fears and explain to her that you are. That requires trust and it makes you vulnerable, but fortune favors the brave. In doing so and as she see's your honest commitment to the relationship it may be that she will be encouraged to begin to identify some of her own fears, at least to herself. When she trusts you and herself more she will tell you. Not all at once but over time. You set the pace. You lead the way. You be her rock. Do not tell her you are trying to help her. Do not in essence give her the impression that you are saying "see this is how you are doing it wrong".

Change yourself, man. If in the end all you have done doesn't work out you'll be a better man for it in your next relationship.

Good on you for not smoking. It is tough to do. Smoking never tastes as good as it did the first time. Everything after that is just an expensive addiction with very little satisfaction involved.

 

[joG]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

My advice then is: Don't do it again.

 

[Quag]

Thank you for being frank with me. I don't know what my problem is!!!! I had no problem saying goodbye to my family many times in the Army and leaving home, but right now I'm scared to lose her, when I should be leaving her. How did she gain so much control over me? Is there a way to break this "grip" she has on me? I am thinking that I need to spend more time with friends and my cousin (who is my best friend-lives right up the road) because they see that I am not happy.

Thanks again for answering, I admire your "will", and hope get on your level.

Just remember you cannot have an adult relationship with someone who acts like a child.
Sure we can all have our moments but when that is the norm.....
As for getting out. I know lots of people in similar or far worse situations. Some realize what's going on and make the hard choices others keep hoping that it will get better. The former are inevitably happier than the latter.
Another anecdote for you. This was a friend I worked with decades ago. He was dating a real B***H one day he came to work and said he was engaged. Both me and the guy next to me both said WHY? it kinda slipped out before either of us could stop it.(Seriously the correct response should have been congrats but even he knew what she was) He said and I quote:
Well is was either get engaged or break up with her.
Again in unison we both said WRONG CHOICE!
He fortunately didn't really get too upset with us. End of story: He was divorced 3 months after the wedding.

 

[Risky Thicket]

Hmmmmm, without knowing you, or knowing her, my red flags would be waving briskly and on high alert, if she can't have a rational argument without getting crazy. Imo, that's a huge warning sign, and one that you would probably be wise to heed. Saying someone is a great girl except that she gets crazy, doesn't seem too great to me. But that's just my opinion, and I have nothing to base it on besides my own mental images. Proceed with caution.

Fiery, redhead, you think? Beautiful and passionate but difficult on a full rein.

 

[11Bravo]

Just remember you cannot have an adult relationship with someone who acts like a child.
Sure we can all have our moments but when that is the norm.....
As for getting out. I know lots of people in similar or far worse situations. Some realize what's going on and make the hard choices others keep hoping that it will get better. The former are inevitably happier than the latter.
Another anecdote for you. This was a friend I worked with decades ago. He was dating a real B***H one day he came to work and said he was engaged. Both me and the guy next to me both said WHY? it kinda slipped out before either of us could stop it.(Seriously the correct response should have been congrats but even he knew what she was) He said and I quote:
Well is was either get engaged or break up with her.
Again in unison we both said WRONG CHOICE!
He fortunately didn't really get too upset with us. End of story: He was divorced 3 months after the wedding.

That's my fear! I'm pretty sure I'm that guy. I think my friends are all saying, "dude, 11Bravo has got to leave that girl. She's messing him up". Meanwhile, I'm bragging about how nice she can be, sometimes.

 

[americanwoman]

Fiery, redhead, you think? Beautiful and passionate but difficult on a full rein.

That is a vicious stereotype.

 

[Quag]

That's my fear! I'm pretty sure I'm that guy. I think my friends are all saying, "dude, 11Bravo has got to leave that girl. She's messing him up". Meanwhile, I'm bragging about how nice she can be, sometimes.

If your friends are telling you to bail I would take some time to ponder that. Either they are genuinely concerned for you ie. true friends or they are jerkwads.
Seriously I cant see how you can stay friends with people telling you to dump the B***H AND stay with her. One of these really has to go. Possibly both, but that I something you have to figure out for yourself.

 

[dogtowner]

Move on. There are better girls out there.
But all of them are.subject to UMS (ugly mood swings) and none will argue in the manner you would have them do.
Just going to have to accept that.
Choose your battles carefully. Life is too short for that so be sure its worth the blood pressure.
And get a dog. Dogs always love you. Always.

 

[Risky Thicket]

That is a vicious stereotype.

You'd prefer butt ugly and meek. :mrgreen:

 

[americanwoman]

You'd prefer butt ugly and meek. :mrgreen:

Well when you put it that way, I'll take your unjustified and outrageously inaccurate stereotype.

 

[Lutherf]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

This may sound kind of off the wall but sometimes those hyper-emotional outbursts can be the result of sexual frustration. You might want to try turning her over your knee and spanking her the next time she gets out of control. I'm not saying it's a 100% solution but sometimes her compulsion to control is really a desire to be controlled.

 

[GottaGo]

First off, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on this forum in advance. I have been here a very short time and already feel like I am a part of the Debate Politics family.

SOOoooooo here's the deal.

I live with my girlfriend in a one bedroom apt, we share a lease in the DC metro area. About a month ago, two things happened. One, I told her I was going to quit smoking. The second thing is different in nature. Backstory:

Two years ago on Halloween, her guy friend told me that she can be kind of a "B-word" when she argues. What he meant was, she can't rationally argue without flinging insane insults and hurtful words.

So back on track, we're arguing last month and she's insulting me rather than arguing so finally I snap and yell out "well you're no angel, honey, even your friends think you're a "b*$&". Biiiiggggg mistake on my part. Dumbest thing I've ever said. She was just constantly calling me an idiot, and yelling at the top of her lungs, over a stupid argument about the show Criminal Minds!!!

So the problem with this is, the guy that told me that has been best friends with her since elementary school. I knew right as I said it, she was going to confront him. I then realized, he's 100% going to deny it (the guy has no morals and I can't stand him). So the next morning she gives me the "do or die" scenario. She says "tell me you lied about this and I won't break up with you". I bit the bullet and said I lied. To this day, it's created a trust issue. She even asked him randomly at the bar a couple weeks ago to verify if I "lied" and of course he denied it. Either he denied it because it happened over 2 years ago and forgot about it, or he denied it because he is a jerk...either way, I look like a huge liar, when I in fact did not lie.

Is there anyone here who could throw a few words of advice my way? I have since stopped smoking, and just want our normal relationship back. She really is a great person, and when she has those episodes of insults, she always regrets it the next day. Help

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

If she cannot 'heatedly discuss' something rationally without going into scream and yell nasty things mode, then it will only get worse. As someone else mentioned, it's a control thing. IMO she's trying to make you hush up so she doesn't have to hear it right from the get go, which means she will continue to use that method and likely escalate it.

Good luck!