How do you LEARN to love someone?

[ab9924]

What would you do to start loving your GF/BF/wife/husband in an arranged relationship/marriage? And if you are already in an arranged relationship/marriage, how did you learn the love?

My family decided to go like an Indian tradition, even though we are western Europeans by descent. They found her and she picked me, and we had our 1st skype video call, before she flies over to live with me in November. She seems to love me a lot, BUT I am not attracted to her at all.

Normally when a girl picks me and I am not attracted to her, I just go with the short term relationship idea, which then gives us both time to move on. Now however I have no such choice, I must love her and be her BF long term. I am cracking my head with this problem now, and I really don't know what to do, I can't disappoint her, any coupled form of life becomes bad quickly if there isn't a strong love holding it together, I think. Also I didn't have the chance to figure if I can live with myself if I disappoint someone's long term vested time in me.

There is many of you guys at DebatePolitics, and you all have given me many essential pieces of understanding of many things, many times. Please throw your ideas here, I really appreciate all, and thanks in advance.

 

[Lutherf]

Considering some of the issues with women you have mentioned around here I'm reasonably sure that your SOL on this one. Seriously, if you can't call this thing off then, for her sake, please just skip town w/o a forwarding address...maybe change your name too.

Good luck!

 

[MaggieD]

What would you do to start loving your GF/BF/wife/husband in an arranged relationship/marriage? And if you are already in an arranged relationship/marriage, how did you learn the love?

My family decided to go like an Indian tradition, even though we are western Europeans by descent. They found her and she picked me, and we had our 1st skype video call, before she flies over to live with me in November. She seems to love me a lot, BUT I am not attracted to her at all.

Normally when a girl picks me and I am not attracted to her, I just go with the short term relationship idea, which then gives us both time to move on. Now however I have no such choice, I must love her and be her BF long term. I am cracking my head with this problem now, and I really don't know what to do, I can't disappoint her, any coupled form of life becomes bad quickly if there isn't a strong love holding it together, I think. Also I didn't have the chance to figure if I can live with myself if I disappoint someone's long term vested time in me.

There is many of you guys at DebatePolitics, and you all have given me many essential pieces of understanding of many things, many times. Please throw your ideas here, I really appreciate all, and thanks in advance.

I'm going to assume that you don't want to do the obvious and refuse to move forward. Given that's the case, then, the following are my thoughts:

You can't tell how you're going to "feel" about someone from a Skype, for heaven's sake. You can look at her and see if you're immediately physically attracted, but I'd say that's about it. She wasn't herself. You weren't yourself. Give both of you a chance. You don't have to love her. Love is much over-rated. What you must do is respect her, be kind to her, and treat her like a good friend. The rest will come naturally.

I can't imagine living with a man for a year who respects me, is kind and thoughtful to me, lets me know he has my back -- and NOT loving him on some level in a year. You may not even be physically attracted to her. That may also change.

Surely you have some friends who've entered into arranged marriages. There's probably where your best advice is going to come from. Ask around.

 

[RabidAlpaca]

What would you do to start loving your GF/BF/wife/husband in an arranged relationship/marriage? And if you are already in an arranged relationship/marriage, how did you learn the love?

My family decided to go like an Indian tradition, even though we are western Europeans by descent. They found her and she picked me, and we had our 1st skype video call, before she flies over to live with me in November. She seems to love me a lot, BUT I am not attracted to her at all.

Normally when a girl picks me and I am not attracted to her, I just go with the short term relationship idea, which then gives us both time to move on. Now however I have no such choice, I must love her and be her BF long term. I am cracking my head with this problem now, and I really don't know what to do, I can't disappoint her, any coupled form of life becomes bad quickly if there isn't a strong love holding it together, I think. Also I didn't have the chance to figure if I can live with myself if I disappoint someone's long term vested time in me.

There is many of you guys at DebatePolitics, and you all have given me many essential pieces of understanding of many things, many times. Please throw your ideas here, I really appreciate all, and thanks in advance.

Honestly, bro, you've got ONE life to live. Don't waste it on a woman that's not your soulmate. Your family may be disappointed, but it's your life, not theirs. Getting married should be the easiest decision in the world, I know for me it was.

 

[solletica]

What would you do to start loving your GF/BF/wife/husband in an arranged relationship/marriage? And if you are already in an arranged relationship/marriage, how did you learn the love?

My family decided to go like an Indian tradition, even though we are western Europeans by descent. They found her and she picked me, and we had our 1st skype video call, before she flies over to live with me in November. She seems to love me a lot, BUT I am not attracted to her at all.

Normally when a girl picks me and I am not attracted to her, I just go with the short term relationship idea, which then gives us both time to move on. Now however I have no such choice, I must love her and be her BF long term. I am cracking my head with this problem now, and I really don't know what to do, I can't disappoint her, any coupled form of life becomes bad quickly if there isn't a strong love holding it together, I think. Also I didn't have the chance to figure if I can live with myself if I disappoint someone's long term vested time in me.

There is many of you guys at DebatePolitics, and you all have given me many essential pieces of understanding of many things, many times. Please throw your ideas here, I really appreciate all, and thanks in advance.

This post has nothing to do with the title of the thread. Should be called "How to do the Impossible."

Likelihood of forming a bonding relationship in an arranged marriage is close to zero. Break up and start over is the only solution.

 

[joko104]

If you are going to do this, resolve yourself to no complaints. I believe to some degree, people can psychologically condition themselves. The arrangement concept is, in some ways, the antithesis of romantic love, so you may need to redefine what marriage is to you - since you would be accepting that subservience to family authority and tradition circumvents "love" anyway.

How old are both of you?

 

[tessaesque]

Why do you have no choice? Are you dependent upon your parents for financial solvency? If not, refuse the arranged relationship/marriage and do your own thing.

 

[ChrisL]

Good God!!! Are you your own person or not? :doh I am skeptical to say the least.

 

[lizzie]

What would you do to start loving your GF/BF/wife/husband in an arranged relationship/marriage? And if you are already in an arranged relationship/marriage, how did you learn the love?

My family decided to go like an Indian tradition, even though we are western Europeans by descent. They found her and she picked me, and we had our 1st skype video call, before she flies over to live with me in November. She seems to love me a lot, BUT I am not attracted to her at all.

Normally when a girl picks me and I am not attracted to her, I just go with the short term relationship idea, which then gives us both time to move on. Now however I have no such choice, I must love her and be her BF long term. I am cracking my head with this problem now, and I really don't know what to do, I can't disappoint her, any coupled form of life becomes bad quickly if there isn't a strong love holding it together, I think. Also I didn't have the chance to figure if I can live with myself if I disappoint someone's long term vested time in me.

There is many of you guys at DebatePolitics, and you all have given me many essential pieces of understanding of many things, many times. Please throw your ideas here, I really appreciate all, and thanks in advance.

Okay man- are you yanking our chains, or are you being serious? Seriously.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

Love is a habit. Act like you love her, consistently, and tell her you love her, consistently, and one day you will wake up and realize you couldn't live without her.

 

[MaggieD]

Okay man- are you yanking our chains, or are you being serious? Seriously.

That's actually a good point, but the discussion is interesting.

I'll put my money on most arranged marriages work out. Passionate love has been highly over-rated, in my opinion. As wonderful as that feeling is? It doesn't last. Too many young ladies have proven they don't have the smarts to pick a mate well. Or maybe it's that their hormones over-ride their common sense.

Why would a beautiful intelligent young woman marry a guy without a job? Who can't keep a job? A drug addict? A guy who beats and berates her? A lazy bum that's never going to amount to anything without a sound thrashing every day for the next ten years? Most of the time, these guys didn't "turn in" those bums. They were bums on the day they met.

Now I know I'm way out in left field here, but truth be told? If parents had some say over who their children married? In many cases, our children would be better off.

 

[lizzie]

That's actually a good point, but the discussion is interesting.

I'll put my money on most arranged marriages work out. Passionate love has been highly over-rated, in my opinion. As wonderful as that feeling is? It doesn't last. Too many young ladies have proven they don't have the smarts to pick a mate well. Or maybe it's that their hormones over-ride their common sense.

Why would a beautiful intelligent young woman marry a guy without a job? Who can't keep a job? A drug addict? A guy who beats and berates her? A lazy bum that's never going to amount to anything without a sound thrashing every day for the next ten years? Most of the time, these guys didn't "turn in" those bums. They were bums on the day they met.

Now I know I'm way out in left field here, but truth be told? If parents had some say over who their children married? In many cases, our children would be better off.

I agree totally, but am compelled to question the OP, as I find him to be an imaginative poster at all times, and I like to know if I am discussing a real situation, or a hypothetical one. Since *love* is such a huge umbrella, it's a very difficult question to answer. Based on my own experience, if I could have chosen the woman that my son married, it would have been essentially about a 180 degree departure from the woman he did marry, because I could see through her, and he could not. I liked her because he loved her so, and she made him happy. He was enthralled with her intellectualism, but was unable to look at her character and her heart. That being said, we seem to often be attracted to what and whom is not good for us in the long term, and I only have the advantage of age and experience- something that I could not endow him with if I so wished.

 

[lizzie]

Love is a habit. Act like you love her, consistently, and tell her you love her, consistently, and one day you will wake up and realize you couldn't live without her.

Honestly, I believe there is much merit to that idea. So much of what we define as happiness is attitude.

 

[MaggieD]

I agree totally, but am compelled to question the OP, as I find him to be an imaginative poster at all times, and I like to know if I am discussing a real situation, or a hypothetical one. Since *love* is such a huge umbrella, it's a very difficult question to answer. Based on my own experience, if I could have chosen the woman that my son married, it would have been essentially about a 180 degree departure from the woman he did marry, because I could see through her, and he could not. I liked her because he loved her so, and she made him happy. He was enthralled with her intellectualism, but was unable to look at her character and her heart. That being said, we seem to often be attracted to what and whom is not good for us in the long term, and I only have the advantage of age and experience- something that I could not endow him with if I so wished.

There are a few ladies on DP that I think are my sisters by a different mother. Ha!

You're one of those.

 

[lizzie]

There are a few ladies on DP that I think are my sisters by a different mother. Ha!

You're one of those.

:kissy:

You are cordially invited to accompany me to the family reunion this weekend. :mrgreen:

 

[Risky Thicket]

What would you do to start loving your GF/BF/wife/husband in an arranged relationship/marriage? And if you are already in an arranged relationship/marriage, how did you learn the love?

My family decided to go like an Indian tradition, even though we are western Europeans by descent. They found her and she picked me, and we had our 1st skype video call, before she flies over to live with me in November. She seems to love me a lot, BUT I am not attracted to her at all.

Normally when a girl picks me and I am not attracted to her, I just go with the short term relationship idea, which then gives us both time to move on. Now however I have no such choice, I must love her and be her BF long term. I am cracking my head with this problem now, and I really don't know what to do, I can't disappoint her, any coupled form of life becomes bad quickly if there isn't a strong love holding it together, I think. Also I didn't have the chance to figure if I can live with myself if I disappoint someone's long term vested time in me.

There is many of you guys at DebatePolitics, and you all have given me many essential pieces of understanding of many things, many times. Please throw your ideas here, I really appreciate all, and thanks in advance.

You have only one option as I see it. Do it now!

 

[Risky Thicket]

On a serious note, marriage is a crap shoot. Getting out of a marriage is no day at the beach. You don't just marry the woman you marry the family and all that comes with it. Family issues overflow into your marriage and yada yada. That's the way it works. IF you have a strong marriage and IF both of you work at making the marriage work and IF you can put her wants and needs above your family and she can do the same for you, then you have a chance.

If your families are so involved that they pick a spouse for their children AND their children consider obeying, well that's a different culture altogether.

I had a great childhood. (Ms. Thicket says I'm still having one) My family and extended family are/were all anyone could ask for. With a head full of play and an ass full of nonsense I left home at 18 and never looked back. The world was waiting and I needed to see it. The idea my parents would have selected a woman for me to marry is laughable. They were just praying I wouldn't get anyone pregnant. I cannot imagine having someone selected for me.

On the other side of the argument, one hell of a lot of marriages are loveless. We all know that. When I was getting divorced from my first wife I was surprised by the number of people who would, in confidence, tell me that they wished they had the balls to get divorced. I had thought some of those people were happily married. Who knew?

Finally, something has to click between the two of you to even give marriage a chance. It can become otherwise, most complicated. As Richard Pryor once said, "There's nothing worse than being in love with a bitch you can't stand."

David Allen Coe really nailed it in Lately I've Been Thinking Too Much Lately, when he said, "Even though we're lying here together in this bed, I believe we're laying here alone." Whew! That's powerful, especially if you've been there. There is nothing lonelier than that.

 

[Muddy Creek]

What would you do to start loving your GF/BF/wife/husband in an arranged relationship/marriage? And if you are already in an arranged relationship/marriage, how did you learn the love?

My family decided to go like an Indian tradition, even though we are western Europeans by descent. They found her and she picked me, and we had our 1st skype video call, before she flies over to live with me in November. She seems to love me a lot, BUT I am not attracted to her at all.

Normally when a girl picks me and I am not attracted to her, I just go with the short term relationship idea, which then gives us both time to move on. Now however I have no such choice, I must love her and be her BF long term. I am cracking my head with this problem now, and I really don't know what to do, I can't disappoint her, any coupled form of life becomes bad quickly if there isn't a strong love holding it together, I think. Also I didn't have the chance to figure if I can live with myself if I disappoint someone's long term vested time in me.

There is many of you guys at DebatePolitics, and you all have given me many essential pieces of understanding of many things, many times. Please throw your ideas here, I really appreciate all, and thanks in advance.

You learn to love someone with time, with noticing their assets and overlooking their faults and by not being selfish.

 

[ab9924]

If you are going to do this, resolve yourself to no complaints. I believe to some degree, people can psychologically condition themselves. The arrangement concept is, in some ways, the antithesis of romantic love, so you may need to redefine what marriage is to you - since you would be accepting that subservience to family authority and tradition circumvents "love" anyway.

How old are both of you?

Thanks, this is a very interesting concept. She is older than I, by the way she is 18, I was told. (Sorry I think I am not allowed to disclose my own age in an exact fashion.) Maybe they are "training(?)" me for something, I don't have a clue.

Why do you have no choice? Are you dependent upon your parents for financial solvency? If not, refuse the arranged relationship/marriage and do your own thing.

Yes, I am dependent on the trustees that run my accounts until I get 18, so I have ZERO decision power about what I do. I can negotiate though (to some degree).

Good God!!! Are you your own person or not? :doh I am skeptical to say the least.

I think I am not my own person, to be realistic. What do you mean by "sceptical"?

 

[ab9924]

Okay man- are you yanking our chains, or are you being serious? Seriously.

No, not yanking chains! If anyone, I have more chains than all of you put together here, so I would not be wise to throw stones in a glass house, right?

But your post here cuts into the essence of asking a forum question. Every post/thread exists for a need. A poster can hide his sensitivities and sentiments, but it is easier to convey a situation if I just write it as is, and I bet it is easier to interpret it too when you are a reader. What is more important than judging the poster though is that all the replies have essential information that save an UNLIMITED number of other readers unlimited times.

The imaginative part of my thread here is that I mixed the word "marriage" into it, because in my (dilusional?) mind this is unlike other relationships. I think this may not have been her idea initially either, and so the easter type arranged marriages came to my mind first.

 

[ab9924]

Thanks all for the replies. I have REALLY learnt a lot from them. I think it is great that I can count on such a good knowledge base of everyone here. Thanks again to you all.

 

[lizzie]

The imaginative part of my thread here is that I mixed the word "marriage" into it, because in my (dilusional?) mind this is unlike other relationships. I think this may not have been her idea initially either, and so the easter type arranged marriages came to my mind first.

So, are you saying that your family has arranged to set you up with this girl, and that it isn't actually an arranged marriage? I don't mean to sound obtuse, but am just trying to fish out what the real situation is.

 

[ChrisL]

I think I am not my own person, to be realistic. What do you mean by "sceptical"?

Well that is really sad then. You should not feel obligated to marry or have a relationship with a person because of what someone else wants.

I am skeptical because if someone is forcing you to marry someone against your will, that would be illegal here in the US. Since it isn't clear where you live by your profile data, I guess you could live anywhere for all I know.

To be completely honest with you, I find some of your stories to be a bit far-fetched, so I am skeptical because of that too.

 

[ChrisL]

That's actually a good point, but the discussion is interesting.

I'll put my money on most arranged marriages work out. Passionate love has been highly over-rated, in my opinion. As wonderful as that feeling is? It doesn't last. Too many young ladies have proven they don't have the smarts to pick a mate well. Or maybe it's that their hormones over-ride their common sense.

Why would a beautiful intelligent young woman marry a guy without a job? Who can't keep a job? A drug addict? A guy who beats and berates her? A lazy bum that's never going to amount to anything without a sound thrashing every day for the next ten years? Most of the time, these guys didn't "turn in" those bums. They were bums on the day they met.

Now I know I'm way out in left field here, but truth be told? If parents had some say over who their children married? In many cases, our children would be better off.

I've read that an arranged marriage is only as good as the people who arranged it. Makes sense.

 

[ab9924]

So, are you saying that your family has arranged to set you up with this girl, and that it isn't actually an arranged marriage? I don't mean to sound obtuse, but am just trying to fish out what the real situation is.

Okay, I am guessing now too, to a good degree, but here is what I think I know. The trustees didn't use the word "marriage" and neither did she, but I am not totally stupid, so I worked out that they are simply carrying on their program that was given to them by my parents. I am not entitled to have full visibility of it, but a few things I could obtain, and one of them is that they are in control of where I am and what I do in every aspect, even friends, until 18. I think their decision about her is logical, and somewhat of my own making, because last year, when I had an American GF, she was 18, and I was the one who invented the idea that she be put on my flight papers and a whole bunch of documents as a "legal adult" for me, because I learnt that in the US the age 18 is the legal adult age, and then I wouldn't have to meet the church guys that much. I was very proud of myself that I sold this idea to them at that time. But I guess achievements are always just waiting to turn and bite back, and now that I am not in a relationship any more, plus I am not as good with the church guys here as I was in France, the trustees just re-used my idea and arranged this. So I think that if I am not faithful to her completely after she arrives, then she will feel very uncomfortable and weird, maybe even betrayed. So, like a marriage, there is no backing-out saving clause in this agreement. None of the trustees spends time here in The Netherlands plus my weak relationship with my friends at church, I think they see her a perfect solution.