MaggieD
DP Veteran
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2010
- Messages
- 43,244
- Reaction score
- 44,664
- Location
- Chicago Area
- Gender
- Female
- Political Leaning
- Moderate
Okay, so John.
Apologies for being behind the curve but -- who is John? Your brother?
So, Maggie, what are your options, and how capable is she of making her own decisions? Do you have POA for her?
A couple of years ago, after dad died, I had a talk with mom that I really didn't want to have, but I felt like I needed to. She was only 71 at the time, and I had no idea how she would react to losing my dad- if she would freak out and remarry on the rebound, or if she was okay with being alone. I approached the subject, and told her that if she wanted to remarry, I would have no problem with it, but that I would prefer she wait for at least a year, when her decision-making ability would be more rational. She pleasantly surprised me, when she said, in no uncertain terms, that remarriage was the last thing she was interested in, because nobody could replace my dad, and she meant it. She has done quite well, and adjusted to living alone, and I'm proud of her. I don't look forward to the day when she may become unable to make sound decisions, and I sometimes wonder how I will handle that, assuming that I live longer than she does. It's hard watching our parents go through these changes in life.
Does Illinois have common law marriage? You may want to check around and see where John really stands on the food chain. Always better to be armed with the info in case you do decide to take your Mom into your home and sell hers. John's supposed oral agreement isn't worth the paper it isn't printed on. Besides, if your Mom does owe him by Illinois law, he wouldn't get it until after the house was sold, not before. He has no standing to make that a condirtion even if it were true.
Gotta say, he's 85 and he will have sympathy on his side even if the law isn't. Feel for you being in the middle of this and having to go through this hassle when you're trying to help your Mom.
Okay, so John. As some of you may know, Mom's just out of the hospital and needs physical therapy, occupational therapy (help with dressing), 2X a week blood draws by a visiting nurse, etc. Trying hard to build up her strength. She's staying with me right now. And hoped to have her back home by a week from tomorrow.
John came over to visit today, and, as we talked about Mom's condition, I explained to him that he was going to have to exercise patience with her as she got stronger . . . remembered to remind her about walking about the house with her walker . . . helping her for about 15 minutes a day with her exercises. As he rolled his eyes, I said, "Well, John, you've got to find the same compassion for Mom that you have for Mandy (their dog) if she was sick." He said, "It's different. I love the dog."
That escalated me over the moon. Mom was sitting right there. And I said something like, "Make no mistake, John, if it's too much for you -- if you can't find patience -- then I'll take Mom to live with me and sell the house. "No, you won't," he said. Not until you pay me back the $36,000 I've given her in the last 9 years." (When he'd win at the boat, he'd come home and say, "Here, honey, this is for you." He paid no rent. Paid no bills. He carries a sheet of paper around in his wallet with everything he's supposedly given her.
He says that that's the agreement he and Mom had when he came to live with her nine years ago. "If you ever sell the house and I have to move..." he says, Mom promised to give him all his money back. She, of course, says that's bull****.
In fact, when he sold his family home two years ago, I had a conversation with him that included his having to find another place to live some day -- I wanted him to face reality before he sold his own home. (A home that he, his brother and sister had lived in forever and split everything three ways.)
He pointed out to me that "his services" were worth $5000 a month -- the amount of money he paid for one month for his brother who's in an assisted living facility when he had a knee replacement and couldn't live alone at the facility.
I finally threw the $200 he'd given mom from "boat winnings" today. Called him a ****ing asshole. Told him he was the luckiest guy on planet earth for the last 50 years when he's lived with mom rent-free. And he left the house. Smart because I think I might have killed him. He's 85 years old and his brain is practically fried, I think, from 50 years of alcoholism. He hasn't had a drink in 9 years.
Thanks for listening. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Order him out? It'll be a civil matter with him making the claim he's making. I pay for their cable . . . cut that off right this second? Make the decision to keep Mom with me permanently? I just don't know.
But what I know right now is that I need to cool down. Mom's like, "Whatever." She's what they call cognitively disabled now so . . .
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?