"Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

[MrWonka]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

my wife flat out told me that she wasn't going to give me sex until I did something for her.

Right, see she's pissed off at you for being worthless and unhelpful. That's a turn-off. It's not like she's saying to herself, "boy, I'd really like to have sex with my amazing husband, but I'm going to be a bitch and see if I can get him to make him do my chores for me first."

 

[Wan]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Right, see she's pissed off at you for being worthless and unhelpful. That's a turn-off. It's not like she's saying to herself, "boy, I'd really like to have sex with my amazing husband, but I'm going to be a bitch and see if I can get him to make him do my chores for me first."

But she did not say, "I am not going to have sex with you because you are being unhelpful". She said, "I will only have sex with if you do _____ for me". She was literally dangling sex in front of him to get him to do what she wanted.

 

[MrWonka]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

I feel this to be sort of like a form of coercion.

There's a difference between punishment and coercion. Punishment is what you get when you do something wrong. Coercion is used to make you do something wrong.

 

[MrWonka]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

But she did not say, "I am not going to have sex with you because you are being unhelpful". She said, "I will only have sex with if you do _____ for me". She was literally dangling sex in front of him to get him to do what she wanted.

But what did she want him to do? Was it something that a loving spouse should be doing anyway, or wasn't it something ridiculous that goes above and beyond that? Obviously, we can't expect him to answer that question honestly, but I know what I would bet on.

 

[Wan]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

There's a difference between punishment and coercion. Punishment is what you get when you do something wrong. Coercion is used to make you do something wrong.

No, I think coercion is persuading someone to do something they don't want to do using high-pressure, unfair tactics.

 

[Wan]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

But what did she want him to do? Was it something that a loving spouse should be doing anyway, or wasn't it something ridiculous that goes above and beyond that? Obviously, we can't expect him to answer that question honestly, but I know what I would bet on.

Then we should ask KalStang to tell us exactly what his wife asked him to do (if he wants to tell us). Was it something unreasonable?

 

[MrWonka]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

No, I think coercion is persuading someone to do something they don't want to do using high-pressure, unfair tactics.

But that depends heavily on whether what they don't want to do is something that they're supposed to do.

If I don't want to drive 70 in a 55 am I being coerced by police into going slower than I want by threat of a fine? Or does obtaining a drivers license and having free access to our nation's roads come with a stipulation that you will do certain things while on it. One of which is to follow the speed limit.

While there may not be a legal contract specifying what is required of a spouse in a marriage there are certain things that reasonable people should be able to expect it. Generally, if a spouse wants you to do something above and beyond the call of duty a reward is what they would offer. A refusal of sex generally indicates that you're not fullfilling your regularly expected duties.

 

[Wan]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

A refusal of sex generally indicates that you're not fullfilling your regularly expected duties.

We don't know this. This is why I said we should wait for more input from Kal.

Also, you mentioned there are things "reasonable people should be able to expect it". Who determines this? What if a wife thinks that it is reasonable to ask her husband give her a back-rub when she is tired, but he doesnt feel the same way?

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

I don't normally see eye to eye with Mr. Wonka on several major issues but he is spot on here.
Your wife or girlfriend isn't going to be in the mood to play if she's really angry with you.
You might lure her if she's just mildly annoyed, most women are a pretty forgiving lot.
But if there's an issue that just burns her ass, that's it...forget any fun that night or any other until you get to the bottom of it and resolve the problem. You might have to really work at this, I mean really work at it.

A lot of women SAY (to others) what they think turns them on, but when you get right down to it, there's the unsaid stuff as well.
Maybe they think it's silly to admit to it, or maybe they overlooked it, but a lot of women like to bed down guys that they ADMIRE, too. If they admire who you are, or admire how you carry yourself, or admire what you do, that's going to make them feel all warm inside, and open.

My wife has this special kind of smile sometimes, she doesn't even always seem to know she's doing it, but it's a particular kind of smile, really it's a grin, and it shows her dimples more than when she's just openly smiling ear to ear.
I absolutely LIVE for that little dimply special smile, it means she's beaming at me.
Who knows, could be something I said or did, could be almost anything, could just be she's having nice thoughts about me, or it could be she thinks I have a cute butt.
I don't question it but I live for it.
I just look over sometimes and there she is, her little dimples and all. Hoo boy, I musta done something right.

If you aren't getting those special little smiles very often, the kind where the girl is beaming at you, that may explain why you're not getting much or any fun time between the sheets.
Happy wife, happy life. Works for me!

 

[Kal'Stang]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Right, see she's pissed off at you for being worthless and unhelpful. That's a turn-off. It's not like she's saying to herself, "boy, I'd really like to have sex with my amazing husband, but I'm going to be a bitch and see if I can get him to make him do my chores for me first."

:roll: Is that really all you have? Attack the man because by god he MUST have done SOMETHING wrong. God forbid that women ever be considered as being in the wrong.

 

[MrWonka]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

:roll: Is that really all you have? Attack the man because by god he MUST have done SOMETHING wrong. God forbid that women ever be considered as being in the wrong.

Why not? You're attacking your wife because god forbid you ever be considered as doing something wrong. Yet, you won't tell us what she was actually asking you to do because you're afraid we might have a point.

 

[Wan]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Why not? You're attacking your wife because god forbid you ever be considered as doing something wrong. Yet, you won't tell us what she was actually asking you to do because you're afraid we might have a point.

Or maybe he doesn't want to share the details of his personal life on a public forum.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

But what did she want him to do? Was it something that a loving spouse should be doing anyway, or wasn't it something ridiculous that goes above and beyond that? Obviously, we can't expect him to answer that question honestly, but I know what I would bet on.

You've already labeled me as being dishonest if I told you what it was she wanted me to do, without even having said what it was. So why should I answer?

In anycase I don't remember what it was she wanted me to do. This was 17 years ago at the start of our relationship. And yet we got married 6 months later and we're still married. I must not be that bad of a husband.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Why not? You're attacking your wife because god forbid you ever be considered as doing something wrong. Yet, you won't tell us what she was actually asking you to do because you're afraid we might have a point.

So stating facts is attacking my wife? Here's a hint for you MrWonka. My wife openly admits that she tried to use sex to get me to do stuff and then proceeds to say "he wasn't having that". You know why she admits that? Because others have told her to withhold sex from me to get me to do things. Right in front of me even.

 

[ecofarm]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

So stating facts is attacking my wife? Here's a hint for you MrWonka. My wife openly admits that she tried to use sex to get me to do stuff and then proceeds to say "he wasn't having that". You know why she admits that? Because others have told her to withhold sex from me to get me to do things. Right in front of me even.

Why aren't you doing things?

 

[OldFatGuy]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

:roll: Love how you know every single woman out there and can tell me exactly why they do or don't do something. I've seen it happen both to other men and, like I said, at the beginning of my relationship where my wife flat out told me that she wasn't going to give me sex until I did something for her. I told her "OK" as I shrugged my shoulders, turned away and didn't do what she wanted me to do. You can consider me a misogynist all that you want. But that is not going to affect the truth of things.

When sex is something for trade during marriage, or in any other loving relationship, it is unhealthy for the long run.

Denial can happen for many reasons, but when it is a tool for non related behavioral manipulation, it is unhealthy for the relationship.

I recall when a friend publicly threatened to cut his wife off from sex because he wanted her to do something else that didn't interest her. I couldn't stop laughing at him. A month later he was still keeping a local florist very busy. :doh

 

[OldFatGuy]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Why not? You're attacking your wife because god forbid you ever be considered as doing something wrong. Yet, you won't tell us what she was actually asking you to do because you're afraid we might have a point.

I don't think you have a point. You're making assumptions all over the place. And Kal does not have to fully explain himself, he's not obligated to play your game.

 

[Sampson Simpson]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Because they let their animal instinct win out over their brain, they have no self control. After all, we are animals, regardless of what religious people want to claim.

Men are attracted to younger women based on this biology. these young features and other things men tend to be attracted to are signs of good genes. After all, the biological purpose of sex is to reproduce. So for many, they simply are not attracted to their partner, yet they still have sexual desires.

its' kind of cruel men and women age differently and their reproductive peaks and ends are not the same. Men become more attractive to many women with age, while as women age they become less attractive to men. Women have a finite window to reproduce, men can pretty much impregnante women in their 70s.

 

[Kal'Stang]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Why aren't you doing things?

Who say's I'm not? Believe it or not neither side in a marriage has to do every little thing that the other side asks them to do. I do however do lots of things. I cook, clean, do laundry, drive her around whenever and wherever she wants, buy her flowers and candy just because, and many many other small things as I'm of the mind that its the small things that make up the big things.

 

[ecofarm]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Who say's I'm not? Believe it or not neither side in a marriage has to do every little thing that the other side asks them to do. I do however do lots of things. I cook, clean, do laundry, drive her around whenever and wherever she wants, buy her flowers and candy just because, and many many other small things as I'm of the mind that its the small things that make up the big things.

This seems about power not sex. She and her friends, or whomever is confronting you directly, feel you are derelict. The sex talk is merely a distraction, a lightening of the mood, from whatever the issues are. You've, defensively, taken the side chuckle as the issue.

 

[holbritter]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Who say's I'm not? Believe it or not neither side in a marriage has to do every little thing that the other side asks them to do. I do however do lots of things. I cook, clean, do laundry, drive her around whenever and wherever she wants, buy her flowers and candy just because, and many many other small things as I'm of the mind that its the small things that make up the big things.

Right there is something to admire! Not many of my friends have husbands that do that. Mine does and it is appreciated. We do a lot of that together.

 

[Wan]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

Right there is something to admire! Not many of my friends have husbands that do that. Mine does and it is appreciated. We do a lot of that together.

Aye. Men who help out around the house and do chores like those are so sexy.

 

[OldFatGuy]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

My wife often says the best thing I do for her, is to stop singing as I play my guitar, and take a nap.

 

[SDET]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

This article backs up what I've always thought. When someone cheats, it's almost always because they are getting something out of the cheating that they want or need and that their spouse isn't providing.

If that thing is youth, then it's absolutely wrong to assign blame to her. It just happens. It's generally not enough to divorce for most Latin couples. The woman's mentality is "I gave it up to married men when I was young, now it's my turn to be on the receiving end"

 

[maquiscat]

Re: "Decent men have affairs all the time. I’m going to tell you why." - A woman's point of view

This is actually one reason I do believe that prostitution should be legal in the US. It can allow for men to have some place to go.

I have always loved the quote from the old lady in the movie "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas",
Dora : My Frank, when he was alive, used to go up there every Saturday. I took it as a blessin'. Of course, things were different then. Nowadays women enjoy doin' that sort of thing themselves. At least, so I've been told.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083642/characters/nm0458560?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t68

I would say given the age of this movie/play that the idea that men could seek out a prostitute, approved by his wife, is not that new or farfetched. I would actually prefer this if it came to the point where I could not fulfill my husband's sexual needs, and just would hope that I could still fulfill his emotional/companionship needs. Of course, this would only be if prostitution were actually legal.

That all being said, I do think it is wrong to say that sex for all men or even most is a need like food or expelling waste that has to be met (and talking full sex here) every month or similar time frame. Sailors go months out to sea, many not having sex for that whole time, whether 1 month or 10 months. Soldiers and Marines can spend a year or longer on deployments. Some few will have sex, whether with women on the ship or base with them or in ports. Of course, some ships do not have women on them nor do they enter ports for up to 6 months. It really is a matter of self control. While it is important for a person's spouse to recognize their emotional and sexual needs, it is also important to discuss why and ways that you might be able to help the other if they are never in the mood (which could indicate a problem in itself). It is also important to recognize that it really isn't right to put your spouse at risk or risk hurting them emotionally to fulfill your sexual and/or emotional needs. If you love them, seriously sit down with them and have a serious conversation with them about your feelings and open up. Either they will eventually listen to you or they will leave you, but there would be a lot less hurt if you talk to them about it and tell them how you feel. Maybe even tell them that you are thinking about having an affair with someone else, because it has reached that level.

Love this. Of course, for all that I support legalizing prostitution, it is not a necessary step for what you are thinking. This is where the principles of ethical non-monogamy come in. I can already hear all the posters who will try to claim that non-monogamy can't be ethical. Them aside, being able to go out there for other needs, be it through an open marriage or by polyamory, can be a good thing, as long as those involved are aware and communicating.

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