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Correct way to come home drunk

Schweddy

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, WHO'S HORNY? ? ?" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!
 

Squawker

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That's a good one. :2funny:
 

LaMidRighter

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A man gets pulled over for speeding one night while his wife is in the car.
The officer asks the man "Do you know why I pulled you over?" so the man replies, "why no officer, I sure don't. Is there a problem?" and his wife says "Honey, you know that isn't true, you said yourself that when you saw the lights you knew why you were being pulled over." the officer begins to write the ticket and notices that the man is flustered so he asks for insurance and the man hands him his card.
While the officer is checking out the information his wife asks "did you remember to put the new card in the car?" the officer checks the card out and notices it's expired, he then proceeds to inform the driver that he is in violation and is getting a second fine. The man turns to his wife, furious now and screams at her "G%^damnit woman, can't you keep your f#$%king mouth shut!" the officer looks at the wife and asks "does he talk to you like this all the time?" to which the wife replies "Only when he's been drinking."
 

Schweddy

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:rofl thats funny
 

LaMidRighter

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A man gets pulled over by a police officer after pulling out of a bar parking lot. The officer asks if he would mind getting out of the vehicle and walking a straight line, the man replies "I'm sorry officer, but I have an inner ear infection and that won't work" so the officer tells him that's okay, why not do a pen test, the man replies "officer, I also have a nervous condition and my eye control isn't that great, so it would throw off that test too." The officer says that will be fine and please take a breathalyzer test, so the man says "I would rather not officer" when the officer asks why he doesn't want to take the test the man says "simple.....because I'm drunk."

*The police were watching a bar parking lot one night and noticed a college age kid stumbling out of the bar, after about 20 minutes of bumping into vehicles and stumbling around, he finally finds his car, after about five minutes of stabbing his door, he finally gets the car unlocked and starts the engine, then proceeds to spin tires out of the lot, when the police pull him over he blows a 0.0 on the breathalyzer and the cops start to ask him how the hell he blew zero after they watched his behavior over that amount of time and he says "simple, I'm the designated decoy".

* Five things to never say when getting pulled over for suspision of DWI:
1- officer, thank god you pulled me over, I'm drunk as hell and could've killed someone.
2- Well, the reason I was speeding officer is that I just got done with a bottle of Tequila and was trying to beat the buzz home.
3- occifer, I drink I'm thunk.
4- You don't have the balls to arrest me, do you know who I am.
5- do you think that 24 shooters would fall under the legal BAC officer?
 
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