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- Sep 3, 2011
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- Centrist
Dear Amy: A while back, an heirloom necklace of mine went missing.
The only person to visit me recently had been my adult niece. I asked my niece why she took my necklace and told her to return it immediately.
My niece kept denying she had even seen my necklace. I was furious with her for lying to me.
I went to the police and pressed charges against her for stealing. A few weeks later I found my necklace in the pocket of a coat I had forgotten about.
I had wrongfully accused my niece of stealing from me and had pressed charges against her!
I’m ashamed to admit that I also insulted her as a parent, her young children and blasted her on several social media sites during those weeks.
We live in a small tight-knit community, so word traveled quickly. I was told by another family member that my niece told them she could not even go to the store now without getting dirty looks.
I have, of course, dropped all charges against her and told her I made a mistake. I said, “Let’s put this ugly incident behind us and forget it happened.”
My niece will not speak to me! Her husband told me that my accusations have caused my niece a great deal of anxiety and she’s been sleeping poorly, and having migraines because of what happened.
I just want everything back to how it was before all of this. A close friend suggested that since I publicly humiliated my niece, a public apology would be a good place to start.
I’m ready to drop the whole incident and forget it ever happened, and see no need in continuing to refer back to it.
Older but Not Wiser
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
I just want everything back to how it was before all of this. A close friend suggested that since I publicly humiliated my niece, a public apology would be a good place to start.
I’m ready to drop the whole incident and forget it ever happened, and see no need in continuing to refer back to it.
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
And as an aside, the first thing I thought about when reading the story was that the aunt should package up the heirloom necklace and send it off to her niece as a gift and tell her even if she never wants to speak with her or visit her again, she wants her to keep it and pass it down in her family as a reminder that family is precious and should be respected and nurtured.
yes that would be the balanced thing to do
however like we were talking about in the other thread...balanced would never have landed here to begin with
the niece should run and never look back, family be damned, family is who supports us when we have need
Get the feeling this Aunt has had family problems previously?? And she was the cause
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
I've got no respect for people who make a public scene but then come to you behind closed doors to make a private apology. It's gutless and meaningless.
You must apologize in front of at least as many people you screwed up in front of. And the apology should happen in front of as many of the same people the screw up happened in front of as possible.
If you humiliated someone with witnesses and your apology didn't reach those witnesses, then those unknowing witnesses could do further damage by spreading untrue rumors that inhibit the person further.
Small community eh? Then repost apologies on all sites she condemned her in and a letter to the editor in that small community's local paper would be a good start.
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
I noticed this in the paper today and I agree with your take. Even taking into account that older people (I'm in that category or on the express bus getting there) can be forgetful and absent minded, so misplacing the necklace is reasonable. What isn't reasonable, and speaks to the character of the aunt, is her immediate accusation against the niece and escalating it to a police report. And small town, my ass - the only way it became known would have been word of mouth from the aunt and everyone she told.
I hate to see an older person isolated, but she deserves all the scorn and she shouldn't expect her niece ever again to want a relationship with her.
And as an aside, the first thing I thought about when reading the story was that the aunt should package up the heirloom necklace and send it off to her niece as a gift and tell her even if she never wants to speak with her or visit her again, she wants her to keep it and pass it down in her family as a reminder that family is precious and should be respected and nurtured.
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
Exactly- a public and well distributed apology- face to face, newspaper adds, to calling family member and apologizing. The niece was publicly humiliated, she must have a very public apology.
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
I will play devils advocate for a second.
Since no one actually known this family on this forum (or if they do they won't ID them) let's flip it around, does the aunt blame the niece because the aunt is a bad-itch or because the niece had previously stolen or committed an act of moral turptitude?
that is rub, if it came out that niece had stolen in the past it makes the aunt's actions more objectively reasonable.
regardless though I would agree with the niece, since this was a false accusation, involving the police no less, I would stay away from such a person. and good thing her husband is keeping aunt's communications at the gate.
I had thought about the niece suing for libel/slander, but I wonder how far that would go. At the time the aunt defamed the niece the aunt honestly believed it to be true. I'm pretty sure that libel/slander requires intent to defame for things that are known (or should be known) to not be true.I'd sue her in small claims court, if only to air it out in a public forum and make it a matter of public record that I had not stolen the necklace, and the aunt is a mean, vindictive witch. The charges filed are a matter of public record, and there is no public record to counter that.
It sounds harsh, but what the aunt did was very harsh. She didn't just accuse, she filed charges. THEN she also sullied the niece's name on social media. There's no excuse for that. There was no evidence of the niece stealing the necklace. And the niece needs to make it public that she definitely did not steal the necklace. A mere statement by the aunt to a few people that she found the necklace won't suffice. Some people will think the niece gave the necklace back in return for the aunt saying she found it.
Then I would erase the aunt from my memory. I would want nothing to do with a person like that. It wasn't that the aunt assumed the niece had done it. It was what the aunt did about it...the social media thing, especially. There is no rolling back the clock to get one's reputation totally back. Like when a man is accused of rape, but cleared of the charges. There will always be those who think he did it.
This forms the basis of a lawsuit, because there was no evidence whatsoever.
I get your point, but every instance should stand on it's own.I will play devils advocate for a second.
Since no one actually known this family on this forum (or if they do they won't ID them) let's flip it around, does the aunt blame the niece because the aunt is a bad-itch or because the niece had previously stolen or committed an act of moral turptitude?
that is rub, if it came out that niece had stolen in the past it makes the aunt's actions more objectively reasonable.
regardless though I would agree with the niece, since this was a false accusation, involving the police no less, I would stay away from such a person. and good thing her husband is keeping aunt's communications at the gate.
I had thought about the niece suing for libel/slander, but I wonder how far that would go. At the time the aunt defamed the niece the aunt honestly believed it to be true. I'm pretty sure that libel/slander requires intent to defame for things that are known (or should be known) to not be true.
Unfortunately, for the niece, there is no law against being a selfish arrogant bitch after-the-fact, so nothing to sue for there.
I get your point, but every instance should stand on it's own.
Ask Amy: After a false accusation, aunt now wants to move on
~~~How would you answer this?
I'm amazed at the gall of the aunt. "Oh, I ruined your reputation, but let's act like it never happened, ok?"
Really?
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