Am I sexist?

[Catz Part Deux]

well, actually, i think that part is true. :3oops:

Go get your dick and balls right now before she puts lace on them or something similarly ghey. You march right in there and take them back.

 

[misterman]

go get your dick and balls right now before she puts lace on them or something ghey.

Too late! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

[Objective Voice]

But he said he was the ultimate decider - or at least that a household must have one of those. I use "boss" as a term for that, it's quicker to type.

But OV says ultimately you have to have one person in charge.

That is correct, but you're misinterpreting what I mean when I say "one leader/head of household".

I'm not saying a couple shouldn't discuss matters and try to come to a consensus in their decision making process. Nor am I saying that the wife can't make decisions on her own. What I am saying is when the chips are down and someone has to make that critical decision, there should be only one to make that call. Otherwise, you all you have is chaos and the like. And no household wants that.

I don't rule with an iron fist in my house. And honestly, I wouldn't want that. But I do want the respect of my wife and children and part of that is ensuring that they know who's ultimately in charge. So, when the chips are down and it comes time for someone to make that ultimate decision, they all look towards me. And hopefully after careful consideration and an open dialog with my wife (and/or my child or children as the case may be), I'll make the right call and do right by my family because that's my job as the head of my house.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

I'm not saying a couple shouldn't discuss matters and try to come to a consensus in their decision making process. Nor am I saying that the wife can't make decisions on her own. What I am saying is when the chips are down and someone has to make that critical decision, there should be only one to make that call. Otherwise, you all you have is chaos and the like. And no household wants that.

In marriages between adults who respect one another and have each other's best interests at heart, it would never come down to one person dictating to the other one what should be done. To presume otherwise is simply ridiculous (and a false dichotomy).

I understand that you are regurgitating what you've been taught here. The problem is that what you've been taught is illogical. It is based upon a false dichotomy.

 

[rivrrat]

That is correct, but you're misinterpreting what I mean when I say "one leader/head of household".

I'm not saying a couple shouldn't discuss matters and try to come to a consensus in their decision making process. Nor am I saying that the wife can't make decisions on her own. What I am saying is when the chips are down and someone has to make that critical decision, there should be only one to make that call. Otherwise, you all you have is chaos and the like. And no household wants that.

I don't rule with an iron fist in my house. And honestly, I wouldn't want that. But I do want the respect of my wife and children and part of that is ensuring that they know who's ultimately in charge. So, when the chips are down and it comes time for someone to make that ultimate decision, they all look towards me. And hopefully after careful consideration and an open dialog with my wife (and/or my child or children as the case may be), I'll make the right call and do right by my family because that's my job as the head of my house.

This just makes no sense. The "critical" decision, by it's name alone, should warrant a joint decision and most certainly NOT a solo one.

 

[misterman]

That is correct, but you're misinterpreting what I mean when I say "one leader/head of household".

I'm not saying a couple shouldn't discuss matters and try to come to a consensus in their decision making process. Nor am I saying that the wife can't make decisions on her own. What I am saying is when the chips are down and someone has to make that critical decision, there should be only one to make that call. Otherwise, you all you have is chaos and the like. And no household wants that.

1. Not all decisions are "critical" in the sense of time or importance.
2. You aren't just saying one person should make the call in those cases, you're saying the MAN should always be that one person. Not one or the other.
3. YOU may have a relationship that is not developed or mature enough to share "critical" decisionmaking without chaos, but I don't, and neither do lots of people. Don't go assuming your way is the only possible way.

I don't rule with an iron fist in my house. And honestly, I wouldn't want that. But I do want the respect of my wife and children and part of that is ensuring that they know who's ultimately in charge.

I have the respect of my wife and children too. And I don't earn it by "being in charge" all the time. I like to think I earn it for even better things.

So, when the chips are down and it comes time for someone to make that ultimate decision, they all look towards me. And hopefully after careful consideration and an open dialog with my wife (and/or my child or children as the case may be), I'll make the right call and do right by my family because that's my job as the head of my house.

Good for you.

 

[Objective Voice]

Your post is a logical fallacy called a false dichotomy. There are many other forms of decision-making besides a hierarchical one, including consensus, taking turns, or compromising.

Agreed. However, I've never said that "1-rule" works. What I have said is conpromise and joint-decision making is just fine. Every marriage should have that mutual respect and compromise in it. However, where urgent, emergent or critical decisions need to be made, there can only be one head of your house. You may run it together, but there can be only one ruler.

 

[rivrrat]

Agreed. However, I've never said that "1-rule" works. What I have said is conpromise and joint-decision making is just fine. Every marriage should have that mutual respect and compromise in it. However, where urgent, emergent or critical decisions need to be made, there can only be one head of your house. You may run it together, but there can be only one ruler.

No, there can be a joint command. And most often, there IS.

 

[missypea]

That is correct, but you're misinterpreting what I mean when I say "one leader/head of household".

I'm not saying a couple shouldn't discuss matters and try to come to a consensus in their decision making process. Nor am I saying that the wife can't make decisions on her own. What I am saying is when the chips are down and someone has to make that critical decision, there should be only one to make that call. Otherwise, you all you have is chaos and the like. And no household wants that.

I don't rule with an iron fist in my house. And honestly, I wouldn't want that. But I do want the respect of my wife and children and part of that is ensuring that they know who's ultimately in charge. So, when the chips are down and it comes time for someone to make that ultimate decision, they all look towards me. And hopefully after careful consideration and an open dialog with my wife (and/or my child or children as the case may be), I'll make the right call and do right by my family because that's my job as the head of my house.

OV--I don't think you're grasping the concept that MM and Catz and I are talking about.


No-one has to be the boss.



In a relationship there is always room for compromise, for stepping back or for standing your ground.


:2wave:

 

[misterman]

Agreed. However, I've never said that "1-rule" works. What I have said is conpromise and joint-decision making is just fine. Every marriage should have that mutual respect and compromise in it. However, where urgent, emergent or critical decisions need to be made, there can only be one head of your house. You may run it together, but there can be only one ruler.

Sure, when urgent, emergency, or critical decisions happen, sometimes one person must lead. It can be either one. But that's an exception, and it's already obvious to everyone. 99.9% of the time, decisions aren't urgent, emergency, or critical.

 

[Objective Voice]

This just makes no sense. The "critical" decision, by it's name alone, should warrant a joint decision and most certainly NOT a solo one.

It should, but it doesn't always lead itself to such. But again, should my wife have to make such a critical decision without me because she couldn't reach me beforehand, she knows she has my full support to do so and that we'd iron out the details later. But when I am present and we are able to discuss matters of a critical nature, you'd best believe that it is my voice that his heard. Not that I run rough-shot over her, but because she respects my decision and believes that after giving the issue it's due diligence I am making what I believe to be the best decision for my household.

 

[misterman]

OV--I don't think you're grasping the concept that MM and Catz and I are talking about.


No-one has to be the boss.

Kind of ironic - he keeps saying you can have mutual decisionmaking, but you have to have one person in charge.

Make up your mind, OV! All by yourself. :lol:

 

[misterman]

It should, but it doesn't always lead itself to such. But again, should my wife have to make such a critical decision without me because she couldn't reach me beforehand, she knows she has my full support to do so and that we'd iron out the details later. But when I am present and we are able to discuss matters of a critical nature, you'd best believe that it is my voice that his heard. Not that I run rough-shot over her, but because she respects my decision and believes that after giving the issue it's due diligence I am making what I believe to be the best decision for my household.

You're the boss. Just admit it. Your a sexist too. Only thing worse than a sexist dominant male is one who won't come out and say it.

 

[missypea]

Agreed. However, I've never said that "1-rule" works. What I have said is conpromise and joint-decision making is just fine. Every marriage should have that mutual respect and compromise in it. However, where urgent, emergent or critical decisions need to be made, there can only be one head of your house. You may run it together, but there can be only one ruler.

OV--I'm curious. What if you weren't home when an urgent, emergent or critical decision had to be made?


:thinking

 

[rivrrat]

OV--I'm curious. What if you weren't home when an urgent, emergent or critical decision had to be made?


:thinking

He said she had his permission to make such a decision but then they'd iron out details later.

I can only assume that he has her permission to make such a decision on his own too, should she not be available for consult.

 

[misterman]

He said she had his permission to make such a decision but then they'd iron out details later.

I can only assume that he has her permission to make such a decision on his own too, should she not be available for consult.

I think he's the boss only when:

a. he's around, and

b. he wants his way.

 

[missypea]

He said she had his permission to make such a decision but then they'd iron out details later.

I can only assume that he has her permission to make such a decision on his own too, should she not be available for consult.

Then he said this:

But when I am present and we are able to discuss matters of a critical nature, you'd best believe that it is my voice that is heard.

What a guy

:doh

 

[misterman]

The world is full of divorced men who thought this was a great way to run a marriage.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Agreed. However, I've never said that "1-rule" works. What I have said is conpromise and joint-decision making is just fine. Every marriage should have that mutual respect and compromise in it. However, where urgent, emergent or critical decisions need to be made, there can only be one head of your house. You may run it together, but there can be only one ruler.

As stated, this is a false dichotomy. There are many ways to "rule" a household, just like there are many ways to rule a nation.

Your position is as idiotic as the monarchists back in ancient times who believed that the only way to run a country was a monarchy.

I suppose that after 250 years, the U.S. has proved that assumption wrong.

In fact, if history has taught us anything, it's that monarchies DON'T WORK.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

The world is full of divorced men who thought this was a great way to run a marriage.

You've met my ex-husband, haven't you? My personal experience is that men who insist that because god gave them a penis, they're in charge--such men usually have "issues."

 

[missypea]

The world is full of divorced men who thought this was a great way to run a marriage.

Early on in our marriage we were having a heated discussion. I picked up the phone to make a call and he said...

I forbid you to use the phone.


I stared at him :shock:.
He stared at me :shock:.





.........and I started laughing and laughing and laughing. We both laughed so hard we had tears running down our faces.

It was a good lesson for us to learn early on in our marriage and thankfully it didn't hurt a bit.

We still laugh about it......and we both bring it up if one of us gets too bossy. :mrgreen:

 

[misterman]

Early on in our marriage we were having a heated discussion. I picked up the phone to make a call and he said...

I forbid you to use the phone.


I stared at him :shock:.
He stared at me :shock:.





.........and I started laughing and laughing and laughing. We both laughed so hard we had tears running down our faces.

It was a good lesson for us to learn early on in our marriage and thankfully it didn't hurt a bit.

We still laugh about it......and we both bring it up if one of us gets too bossy. :mrgreen:

Yes, a relationship is a process. Thanks for the funny story.

I wonder if Objective Voice is still working on his. I wonder if he's ever said something like that.

 

[Objective Voice]

The world is full of divorced men who thought this was a great way to run a marriage.

Again, I don't rule with an iron fist in my home. Anyone who got that impression is wrong.

My wife and I talk all the time. We've hit a few snags here and there, but we discussion issues about each other, our children and our household regularly. She knows she has my support to make day-to-day decisions of routine nature on her own because we've discussed this well before we married. Likewise, I have her support to do the same. But when it comes to those really critical issues, we try to talk them out and reach a compromise and hopefully we can see eye-to-eye in such situations, but even if we don't, we both know that as the head of my house I have the final say.

Now, some of you may see that as me being "the boss", but you're not fully understanding my meaning. It's not so much what I've been taught either from my parents or via my church, but rather what my wife and I have read and studied through Scripture for ourselves. And it works for US. Believe me when I say I'm in no way a "Do as I say, not as I do" kind of person even after 16-years military service. I give my wife a wide breath of authority to run our household in such a way that she doesn't need to call me for every decision that needs to be made. Perhaps I didn't make that clear enough before. But if you've followed the discussion, you'd know this because I've said as much a number of times. Unfortunately, some folks ping on certain key words, i.e., "leader, commander, ruler, head of house" and think that I mean "what I say goes and there's no two ways about it." NO!!! She (BamaBrat) has already said as much. I'm not her boss; I am her partner in this marriage. But we both know that when the chips are down and that all important decision must be made, it is I who makes it. I make no bones about that nor will I apologize for it. If that gives me the label of being sexist, then so be it. I don't view myself as such because I don't see women as being beneath me. However, I can certainly see how after reading snippets of this thread/my posts how some my get that impression.

I do believe that in a marriage the husband and wife have specific roles to fill. Some traditional, some not so much, but in all things my wife and I try to place a Biblical foundation on it. This may work for some, may not work for others. Regardless, for me and my house it works. And that's all I've been really trying to say here. If it doesn't work for you yet you still have a successful, loving relatioship then that's great! I'm just trying to share what works for me and mine in our home. And I'll leave it at that.

 

[BamaBrat]

I can tell you that he and I both work on our relationship on a daily basis. I can tell you that I'm a happy healthy confident capable woman who makes decisions daily with and without her husband. I can tell you that we make every decision jointly..together...as a couple (decisions other than, hey whats for dinner or gee, should i let my kid go to so and sos house to play). I can tell you that not once in our life has he ever TOLD me to do something. Beyond that....can't tell you much. If push comes to shove and a really critical decision needs to be made...and I am hesitating at the right thing to do or whatever, he does have the final say, not because hes the MAN OF THE HOUSE or RULER OF THE HOUSE, but because he is my partner, I love him and I trust him to help me make the right decision that is best for us and our family....just that simple. You've made up your minds about something, without really knowing all the details or understanding exactly what he meant by the things he has said. But that's ok. Because I know...

 

[Objective Voice]

Yes, a relationship is a process. Thanks for the funny story.

I wonder if Objective Voice is still working on his. I wonder if he's ever said something like that.

Sure I have!

"Lillian, you may not use the phone! I'm writing a note and putting it up on the refigerator."

:mrgreen:

And my wife just looks at me and says, "You must be out of your damned mind!" :lol:

No. I'd never presume to control my wife in such a way and she knows that. But she also knows that if there's something I 100% am firm about not to do it. The same goes for me to her. It's about mutual respect. It's about communicating. It's about knowing who has what role to fill in a marriage. If yours are different from that which I (and my wife) have tried to convey and it's working for you, then by all means keep doing what you're doing. I'm just sharing what works for me and mine. Like it, hate it, agree or disagree...I just gave my opinion based on my experiences.

And life goes on...