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Would you STOP being friends with someone if they revealed

Dragonfly

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Slightly different take on the "would you be friends with a transgender" thread.

Suppose one of your friends, somebody you'd been pretty good friends with for at least 5 years or more, "came out" to you.

Maybe they came out as gay, and you had no idea they were gay.
Maybe they came out as transgender, and you had had no idea because their transition happened before you knew them at all.

Whatever it is, it's something that takes you completely by surprise.
Up until they told you, you were just assuming something else was the case.

Again, this is a person you've know for years, and been good friends with for quite some time.

Also, this is purely a gender/sexual identity/sexual attraction question.
This is not having a friend tell you they've raped multiple women/children/animals kinda thing.


Five minutes before they say: " ___________." , you've been good friends with them for years.

"You may not know this about me, but I'm gay." Would you end the friendship?
"You may not know this about me, but 15 years ago I transitioned from ______ to __________. My birth name was ______." Would you end the friendship?
 

To clarify, are we talking just in sexuality terms?

For instance if a friend came out as a serial killer, yeah, that would change things.

As far as sexually other than someone coming out as someone who wishes to have sex with an underage kid or an animal really doesn't affect anything. I am already friends with gays, a transgender, and someone who identifies as bi-gender so for the most part it's no big deal.
 
I'm not sure why it would make a difference... I think most people know someone who is gay. I grew up with a gay nephew almost my whole life(he's 5 years younger than me). Wouldn't make a difference.

Only people that would care are probably ACTUAL homophobes, which are getting rarer and rarer by the day...
 

Interesting, not the question per se, but the idea it might be interesting to ask.
 

Well, of course I wouldn't stop being friends with someone if they revealed that.
 

No. My friendship is not dependent upon anybody's sexuality.
 

Wouldn’t make a hill of beans difference to me unless the gay person expressed a sexual interest in me. I would then distance myself. It wouldn’t be because they were gay. It would be because I would not be interested in reciprocating the feelings.
 

If they married and collected the subsidies for marriage I might not like that at all, sort of like collecting welfare and working outside the taxsystem. But otherwise? Why give a tinker's damn.
 

Well, you could still try and be friends with them. Remember the guy that kissed me a few weeks back? I'm still friends with him.
 
TheGoverness said:
Well, you could still try and be friends with them. Remember the guy that kissed me a few weeks back? I'm still friends with him.
Click to expand...

I remember. Everyone is different. In my case, in this particular scenario, I would consider it an inappropriate reveal. I wouldn’t shun the person. I don’t care that she’s gay. I care that a supposed friend put me in a very awkward situation. Remember, you’re, what? Nineteen? I’m 137 years old. I’m done with drama. Yours is just beginning.
 

I'm not nineteen just yet, but in about 6 days I will be.
 

What about if it was a guy Maggie? Would you react the same way?


On the OP question no it wouldn't make a difference. And it's actually happened to me. I was playing in a band for about 6 months and had become friendly with the guitar player. We were going to rehearse for the first time at his home and when I showed up he introduced me to his husband. Up until then I had no inkling that he was gay. After a second of confusion I was like "well okay." 10 years later both he and his husband are still close friends.
 

No. If it was a guy, I would have no thoughts about it at all. If it was a gal I would have no thoughts at all about it. Only if a gal friend expressed a sexual interest in me. If a guy did the same thing, my reaction would be different. We’d have very meaningful conversations about, “Just how gay are you?” But if he began to give me creepy-crawlies, I’d distance myself from him as well.
 
joG said:
If they married and collected the subsidies for marriage I might not like that at all, sort of like collecting welfare and working outside the taxsystem. But otherwise? Why give a tinker's damn.
Click to expand...

It's odd you'd hold it against someone for taking advantage of "subsidies" that are open and legal, and that presumably you claim (or would claim) without a second thought - a "good for me but not for thee" thing. And it's not like collecting welfare and working 'outside' the system. It would be like taking the charitable contribution deduction, in complete accordance with with law and regulations and court cases.

Essentially your position is you have no problem with someone being gay, so long as they voluntarily pay a special 'gay tax' every year. :roll:

I shouldn't complain too much - we as society are making progress. The kids are way ahead of old people like me and in a generation we'll all wonder what the hell we were fighting about.
 

And the hypothetical assumes you've been friends for years with this person, she knows your straight, and then claims a sexual attraction. If I have the facts right, that's highly inappropriate on the other person's part IMO. It might be honest, and in general it's a good thing in a relationship, but I'd find being alone with the person going forward very uncomfortable.

Sort of like one of my wife's good friends hitting on me. I know that happens all the time and the two get together, but I'm not interested and I'd not want to be alone with that person going forward, and I'd lose a lot of respect for her.
 
Praxas said:
To clarify, are we talking just in sexuality terms?

For instance if a friend came out as a serial killer, yeah, that would change things.
Click to expand...


From the OP:

Dragonfly said:
Also, this is purely a gender/sexual identity/sexual attraction question.
This is not having a friend tell you they've raped multiple women/children/animals kinda thing.
Click to expand...
 

Exactly.
 
Dragonfly said:
Slightly different take on the "would you be friends with a transgender" thread.

Suppose one of your friends, somebody you'd been pretty good friends with for at least 5 years or more, "came out" to you.
Click to expand...

It might damage our friendship on some level. Not because I care if anyone is gay or transgender, but if we've been "pretty good friends" for "at least 5 years," I might feel as though he/she didn't think enough of me to tell me before this. I would hope my good friends know me well enough to share things like that, so I might feel a bit left out of the loop. Also, if my friend had been deceptive up to this point, it might damage a bit of my trust in our relationship.

Now, if we're just getting to be friends and he/she tells me -- it would make no difference at all. Or if he/she said that he/she just found out for themselves, then it'd be fine. I just don't like thinking someone purposefully lied to me for years.
 

No. There are also all kinds of perfectly legit reasons people don't say anything, even for very long periods of time. A late coming out is actually more common than people think. Straight-up not knowing for a long period is also more common than people think. And for trans people, it's very common for them to keep their transition very, very quiet. Trans people often wind up being run out of town when someone finds out, having to re-start their life over and over again.

But either way, I don't see any reason to stop being friends with someone who's been perfectly nice to me.
 

This. I would be hurt that they didn't feel like they could share something like that with me, especially if I revealed intimate things about my life.
 
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