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Woman Desperately Seeking Excuse To Assault Retail Workers

Gateman_Wen

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Now that mask mandates have been lifted.

ALBANY, NY—Staring down the store’s staff as she wracked her brain, local woman Monica Hadwin was reportedly desperately seeking an excuse to assault retail workers Tuesday now that the state’s mask mandate had been lifted. “I walked in without a mask and all I got was a ‘Hi, how are you today?’—what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” said Hadwin, who flexed her hands achingly as she surveyed the shop’s maskless staff and customers, longing for the perceived slight that would allow her to justify lunging across a counter to claw at a teenager’s face. “I guess no one offered me a free sample when I walked in, I could run with that. Or I could step out of the dressing room in a new outfit and then start screaming if nobody compliments me? No, that’s stupid. Even a ‘Masks Recommended’ sign or a bottle of hand sanitizer would be enough, but Jesus Christ. They just have to make this difficult.” At press time, Hadwin perked up immediately upon overhearing a worker speaking Spanish.

 

armycowboy

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Now that mask mandates have been lifted.



Um, the Onion is a satire site. None of this happened.
 

Callen

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Hoot! I have been pleasantly surprised with the amount of mask wearing where I am in Fl. Nobody outdoors, which includes me, but inside retail spaces I would say between 50 % and 75% in most places I frequent. Walmart is probably the worst. One thing that I do notice is a significant reduction in out of State plates.
 

HIP56948

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I and most of my friends are pretty damn pissed about how they treat customers now. Some sorry whore-female even told me to have a pleasant day.
I berated that piece of trash until she was crying like a child with a 3rd degree burn. Even when she apologized, I threw my coffee on her. and laughed.
Hey, screw with me..I'll come at you like a pissed-off werewolf. (Ok..maybe a little bit over the top)
 
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