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Spanking: Is it still an effective method of discipline?

Your attitudes about spanking


  • Total voters
    57
Adult neighbor


Why is assaulting a child acceptable while assaulting an adult not?

I reject the notion that a spanking is assault, so I can't answer the question.

Physical reinforcement is a tool to use when verbal approaches do not work. It should not be used to cause excessive pain, but rather to be understandable when words are not. You don't have to bloody a child to get their attention. I know one parent that accomplishes this by snapping her fingers near her child's ear, that works for them. I needed a more substantial level of physical correction. My son needed none. I think you may be broad brushing a little.
 
if your kid doesn’t listen to you about not running into the street, why do you keep putting them in situations where they can run into the street? You’re the adult, you control the environment and surroundings. And 🤷‍♀️ they literally make leashes, etc for kids that you can put in your child. Know your child, know their developmental stage, know the limitations of that and stop expecting them to think and reason like an adult.

🤷‍♀️

That’s a parenting failure, not a kid failure.

Putting a leash on a kid is success?

You talk about all these levels of reasoning and then treat them no better than a dog. How is that higher level thinking?


Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for and kids can be quickly trained with consistency and repetitive behavior.

Both kids AND dogs can be trained with consistency and repetitive behavior.

My ADHD non-verbal toddler knew he didn’t get out of the CAR without a life jacket on at the marina.

He knew he didn’t go out to crowded places without his “leash backpack”.

This isn't really understanding though. This is just that they've never been exposed to outside influences. Your world is the only world they know and honestly many helicopter parents have some success with this until their child gets out of their sphere of influence.

Because we were CONSISTENT about those things - every single time - and those were the rules. Because I knew those boundaries needed to be firm and consistent for safety.

So you never had children that challenged your boundaries. I find that exceedingly odd.

I never once had to spank him, because I never once strayed from firm boundaries and rules. And he didn’t give me a hard time about those things because those were rules we had before we even left the house.

I guess if a dog has been leashed to a tree their entire lives, at some point you don't need the leash. They just won't leave the tree. However from what you've described, I'm not certain I would call this better than spanking or call one abuse and the other enlightened.


Did I turn the car around or change plans often? Yup.

But that’s part of being consistent and firm.

And it doesn’t resort to violence and hitting my kid.

So now here is the follow up and I'm not trying to pick on you. You've shared so you've given more info for the discussion. I appreciate you for that sharing.

The world is full of violence. The world is full of inconsistency and misrepresentations and damaged people who lie and who might easily even hit your kid.

So how will your kid respond when all such things are foreign to them?

I'll give an analogy that you might even agree with and find helpful and hopefully others will too.

We've often heard lots of talk about how American and European cultures treat drinking. Americans age is 21 years old and up. We hide it in bars or homes. We make it largely forbidden and mysterious to youth.

In Europe adults often introduce it in a number of small ways to their children. No one thinks it abusive to have heard about a seven year old sampling some wine with their dinner at the prompting of their parents. In Europe you can get a beer in McDonalds. They have areas where openly drinking in public is completely acceptable.

I say all of this as someone who is not a big drinker myself.

But we read about the large and alarming rise in binge drinking among the youth. It's like once they get off the leash, to borrow an earlier phrase, they've built no internal mechanism for handling these things and they largely have zero experience with it.

Violence is part of reality. I'm not calling for lazy parenting or even as a primary tool but to deny it exists to me just sounds as dangerous as the overuse or casual use of it.

Why do we understand that if you make sex, alcohol and other things forbidden, dangerous and mysterious the kids will do it anyway and likely will do it wrong yet won't entertain this thought process for spanking or physical violence.

There has to be a middle ground.
 
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If you can’t spank your neighbor for bad behaviour, spanking your child shouldn’t be done

Now the follow up question. If your neighbor is engaged in dangerous and bad behavior, that is the mitigating factor that would absolutely excuse your physical defense of yourself.

Your drunk neighbor is in your space, your face, possibly accosting you or your spouse and ends up on their ass, that can and should be an option.
 
I remember my OWN Mother saying to HER peers - spanking a child is a sign that the adult has no ability to effectively discipline their child and has resorted to violence.

She was born in 1941 and grew up in the era where spanking/belting/whooping, etc was the norm.

The single most impactful discipline I ever received from her and my father was the one time they told me that they were disappointed in me and the choices I had made 🤷‍♀️

No. I don’t agree with spanking. I can see swatting the hand of a toddler that’s reaching for a hot stove, etc but that’s about the extent of it.

Otherwise, I think spanking shows a lack of control and a lack of critical thinking ability on the part of a parent.

Hitting your child because they’ve done something wrong doesn’t teach them anything other than Mom/Dad will hit them. 🤷‍♀️

You know, I think that you're speaking to an important point here, and that's everyone's experience and situation is going to dictate where they land on this one.

I grew up with spankings, given by a loving mother who explained every one, hugged me afterwards, and stopped as soon as I demonstrated that talking was sufficient. That's my lived experience, so naturally I see it as an effective tool that says nothing like what you are saying.

Someone who lived in an abusive home, or who's parents felt entitled to judge other parents for doing something they didn't agree with, would naturally land somewhere else.

Perhaps the best thing would be for there to be general limits established (there are), and that those limits be enforced (definite room for improvement there), educate people about the options, and let everyone parent the way their child responds to best.

Of course, there's nothing some parents love to do more than tell other parents how to parent, so this might be a stretch, but ultimately I think it's the most appropriate option, in terms of actually helping kids develop and learn. As you are well aware, what works for one parent won't for another, as kids, like adults, are individual and different.
 
Edit: sorry, I saw the proposed solution... leashes. Sorry, to me that's way more ****ed up than a spanking
How do you figure?

What’s the difference between holding their hand, strapping them in a stroller, putting them in a wagon with a seatbelt, and holding their hand while also having a leash as a “back up” to prevent a child from running off?

The point is to keep the kid from getting hurt and/or wandering off and getting lost. And you’re dealing with a toddler, etc that doesn’t understand the overall safety aspect.

I just put the extra safety precaution in place so that *if* my kid didn’t listen, he didn’t run into the street, wander off in a crowd, etc.


By the time he was 4 or so? No longer needed the leash backpack 🤷‍♀️

I also wasn’t the Mom pushing around a toddler in a stroller or dragging them around in a wagon with a kid having a fit. Our stroller days ended when my kid was like 2. From 2-around 4, he had his backpack with the little “leash” attached and off we went into the world with him carrying his own water bottle, spare diapers, wipes, snacks, etc instead of me being a human pack mule and having to cart around things AND stress about him running off.


Carry your stuff and walk with Mommy or 🤷‍♀️ we can go home. Simple as that.
 
Spanking teaches a kid that violence is an effective way to get what they want.
 
My wife spanked our daughters when they were younger.

These days, taking away phone privileges is far more effective. Verizon and Apple make it really easy to limit a phone’s use to talking to parents.
 
Interesting. A rare agreement across the board.
 
Because kids don't always listen and then can't always intellectualize what you're trying to say to them.

Is it better to give your 3 year old a spanking after telling them multiple times not to run into the street with no success, or is it better that they be hit by a car?
It is better to not give multiple warnings. The rules should be explained every single time the child might be in a position where s/he could reach the street by him/herself. Then, one strike and you're out: sent inside, not allowed out for rest of the day, and no tv or no favorite toy etc. Immediately. Then next time child goes outside, s/he has to recite the rules of conduct.

No intellectualizing necessary... they know, as sure as they know not to touch the hot stovetop more than once.
 
Putting a leash on a kid is success?

You talk about all these levels of reasoning and then treat them no better than a dog. How is that higher level thinking?




Both kids AND dogs can be trained with consistency and repetitive behavior.



This isn't really understanding though. This is just that they've never been exposed to outside influences. Your world is the only world they know and honestly many helicopter parents have some success with this until their child gets out of their sphere of influence.



So you never had children that challenged your boundaries. I find that exceedingly odd.



I guess if a dog has been leashed to a tree their entire lives, at some point you don't need the leash. They just won't leave the tree. However from what you've described, I'm not certain I would call this better than spanking or call one abuse and the other enlightened.




So now here is the follow up and I'm not trying to pick on you. You've shared so you've given more info for the discussion. I appreciate you for that sharing.

The world is full of violence. The world is full of inconsistency and misrepresentations and damaged people who lie and who might easily even hit your kid.

So how will your kid respond when all such things are foreign to them?

I'll give an analogy that you might even agree with and find helpful and hopefully others will too.

We've often heard lots of talk about how American and European cultures treat drinking. Americans age is 21 years old and up. We hide it in bars or homes. We make it largely forbidden and mysterious to youth.

In Europe adults often introduce it in a number of small ways to their children. No one thinks it abusive to have heard about a seven year old sampling some wine with their dinner at the prompting of their parents. In Europe you can get a beer in McDonalds. They have areas where openly drinking in public is completely acceptable.

I say all of this as someone who is not a big drinker myself.

But we read about the large and alarming rise in binge drinking among the youth. It's like once they get off the leash, to borrow an earlier phrase, they've built no internal mechanism for handling these things and they largely have zero experience with it.

Violence is part of reality. I'm not calling for lazy parenting or even as a primary tool but to deny it exists to me just sounds as dangerous as the overuse or casual use of it.

Why do we understand that if you make sex, alcohol and other things forbidden, dangerous and mysterious the kids will do it anyway and likely will do it wrong yet won't entertain this thought process for spanking or physical violence.

There has to be a middle ground.
My son is 9 and has been in wineries, bars, fancy restaurants, airplanes, trains, etc. He’s seen a LOT more of the world and experienced a lot more than I had at his age.

The “leash” days were from the time when he was a toddler and walking/running until he was about preK aged.

Where many people had their kids in strollers/wagons, etc as a toddler? We had a nifty little insulated backpack with a leash attached to it that clipped at his chest. He couldn’t wander off and get hurt - and he learned that Mom wasn’t a pack mule to carry his stuff around either 🤷‍♀️

Zoo, aquariums, festivals, boardwalks, etc - the kiddo and I went to all of them real simply with me wearing a backpack and him wearing his backpack and go see and do whatever.

He learned by walking right next to me and us constantly talking - even when he would just be babbling along because he didn’t have verbal expression at that point - or was using his communication device.

Wagons/strollers, etc couldn’t work for us because my son didn’t have expressive language. We relied on the ability to have constant eye contact/use sign language, use facial expressions and body language. He understood ME - and I understood him.

Every parent has to find what works for them.


But I’ll never understand spanking and hitting a kid. I just don’t get it.

There are literally countless other ways to parent and discipline. If you wouldn’t accept being hit by your partner or your boss, why is it acceptable to hit your kid? Under any circumstances?

What does it really TEACH them?
 
How do you figure?

What’s the difference between holding their hand, strapping them in a stroller, putting them in a wagon with a seatbelt, and holding their hand while also having a leash as a “back up” to prevent a child from running off?

The point is to keep the kid from getting hurt and/or wandering off and getting lost. And you’re dealing with a toddler, etc that doesn’t understand the overall safety aspect.

I just put the extra safety precaution in place so that *if* my kid didn’t listen, he didn’t run into the street, wander off in a crowd, etc.


By the time he was 4 or so? No longer needed the leash backpack 🤷‍♀️

I also wasn’t the Mom pushing around a toddler in a stroller or dragging them around in a wagon with a kid having a fit. Our stroller days ended when my kid was like 2. From 2-around 4, he had his backpack with the little “leash” attached and off we went into the world with him carrying his own water bottle, spare diapers, wipes, snacks, etc instead of me being a human pack mule and having to cart around things AND stress about him running off.


Carry your stuff and walk with Mommy or 🤷‍♀️ we can go home. Simple as that.

Sorry, you saw my first edit, but not my second. I fully retract that statement, it was insensitive to your particular situation and reflected my own bias, per post #30.
 
I have never believed in absolutes. Disciplining your children at certain times is necessary, and how one accomplishes the task can vary. As parents, it was ingrained on my wife and me not to ever spank or strike your child or children. Period. We lived up to that standard because we only had one daughter and we took the time to figure out how to deal with certain situations differently.

That said, one time in my life did my daughter ever get spanked. I’ve never forgotten it. It was about the same time she threw her one and only temper tantrum in Walmart where my wife picked her up, carried her out of the store, and left a cart full of groceries behind. She was around 4 or 5 and at home she was repeatingly doing something she was expressly forbidden from doing. In holding her arm while ushering her to the steps up to her room, I gave her one whack on the rear. After about an hour, I went in her room and we talked about the situation and why she got a spank. Then her mother did the same, and it never happened again.

I’m never going to conclude that the spank did the trick, but what it did do, is get her undivided attention at that moment and made her understand that she was not the boss in our house. That would have started going down the road to ruin. I never laid a hand on her ever from that point on. Today, she’s a 30-year-old, highly valued, highly respected RN who has an uncanny ability to care for people. She turned out just fine.

Honestly, in public today, I see unruly acting children with their parents quite often, with the parents seemingly oblivious to what’s going on around them, and I wonder if there’s any discipline at all in their household. Then I wonder how those children are going to turn out because I hold parents more accountable for their kid’s behavior than the kids themselves.
 
There's no reason for it.
Both my daughters turned out great
I know many parents who agreed early on never to spank their kids. The kids are adults now and and absolutely fantastic people.

Spanking is old fashioned and the go-to for parents who don't have the skills to use other effective methods.
 
Because kids don't always listen and then can't always intellectualize what you're trying to say to them.

Is it better to give your 3 year old a spanking after telling them multiple times not to run into the street with no success, or is it better that they be hit by a car?
Restraining a child from doing something stupid is different than hitting them.

Holding their hand, picking them up etc can all be used to stop them from doing stupid stuff
 
Are we talking about wives or kids?

😎😎😎😎
 
I remember my OWN Mother saying to HER peers - spanking a child is a sign that the adult has no ability to effectively discipline their child and has resorted to violence.

She was born in 1941 and grew up in the era where spanking/belting/whooping, etc was the norm.

The single most impactful discipline I ever received from her and my father was the one time they told me that they were disappointed in me and the choices I had made 🤷‍♀️

No. I don’t agree with spanking. I can see swatting the hand of a toddler that’s reaching for a hot stove, etc but that’s about the extent of it.

Otherwise, I think spanking shows a lack of control and a lack of critical thinking ability on the part of a parent.

Hitting your child because they’ve done something wrong doesn’t teach them anything other than Mom/Dad will hit them. 🤷‍♀️
I agree. I never raised a hand to my son, or any other child.
Spanking teaches a lesson about authority and humiliation that I thought my son didn't need to learn.
 
Hitting kids doesn’t reinforce any lessons at all. It just shows them that might makes right and that adults can be assholes. No kid ever needs to be hit by any adult in any circumstance.
 
I think there needs to be some doubt in this child’s mind……..
 
I had a stepfather that had anger control issues and was borderline abusive.
I seldom spanked my kids, but it did occur.
They both grew up to be fine adults and we have very good relationships with them and their SOs.
 
Restraining a child from doing something stupid is different than hitting them.

Holding their hand, picking them up etc can all be used to stop them from doing stupid stuff

Yup, and so can spanking. Different stuff works for different kids.

You did read where I said I don't spank my own kid, right? Not because I think it's wrong, but because it was unneccesary. I fully acknowledge that not all kids require physical reinforcement.
 
Hitting kids doesn’t reinforce any lessons at all. It just shows them that might makes right and that adults can be assholes. No kid ever needs to be hit by any adult in any circumstance.

I did, and those weren't my takeaways. 🤷‍♂️

I think generalization is dangerous when it comes to something as individual as parenting.
 
Putting a leash on a kid is success?

You talk about all these levels of reasoning and then treat them no better than a dog. How is that higher level

Leashing children is the epitome of lazy parenting.
 
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